The Most Delusional Man In Comedy

2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer catch up while Bert is on tour in Cleveland, discussing the physical and mental demands of modern stand-up comedy. The

Key takeaways

Bert Kreischer details a rigorous workout routine including running a mile in 7:30, doing 100 push-ups, and benching 265 lbs for multiple rounds after losing 50 pounds.
Tom Segura and Bert joke about aging by comparing themselves to actors like Robert Redford, Wilford Brimley, and Henry Cavill at similar ages, with Bert insisting he looks phenomenal despite Tom's teasing.

Main topics

Touring fatigue and physical fitness
Aging, appearance, and self-perception

Notable quotes

You're the most delusional person in standup though. You know that, right?

Conclusion

The episode balances lighthearted roasting and fitness bragging with genuine

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) 100 % Speaker 3 (0:04) Hey guys, brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Let's see that fucking head of hair, Tommy. Speaker 4 (0:09) Let's see it. I'm Speaker 3 (0:10) dying Speaker 4 (0:10) to see this thing. Speaker 3 (0:12) I love it. I love it. So it's obvious you've been celibate since the separation. Speaker 4 (0:19) Yeah. Yeah. It's going well. And the beard too. There were so many people that were like, chin strap. This is what you're going for. Oh, it's hysterical. I love it. And I was like, I think we said I'm doing a movie on Speaker 5 (0:34) the Speaker 4 (0:34) last one. Okay. Yeah, I'm still doing the movie. People, Speaker 3 (0:38) actually, I was in the comments. I wasn't in the comments. I have someone read the comments. Just the positive ones. And they were like, I like Tom's facial hair. It looks Speaker 4 (0:47) good. I like bold choices. It's jet black in the movie, too. I saw the picture John Stamos sent Speaker 3 (0:55) out. He said, I'm just putting this out there, and then we'll change subjects immediately. Speaker 4 (1:00) Okay. Speaker 3 (1:01) Giving off hangover Speaker 4 (1:02) vibes. Is that what he said? That's what he said. It's a fun movie, dude. It's really fun. Don't talk Speaker 3 (1:09) about it ever again. We'll never talk about it again. We'll talk about it when it comes out. We'll talk about it when it comes out. Don't want to spoil it. Speaker 4 (1:15) Where are you right now? I am Speaker 3 (1:17) in Cleveland, Ohio. Rocket Center Mortgage Speaker 4 (1:21) Arena. Speaker 3 (1:22) Rocket... You know what I am. Speaker 4 (1:25) Yeah, those names are so inspiring, man, that the arenas go with now. It's crazy. It used to be like Leia Coca Arena. Speaker 3 (1:35) Now Speaker 4 (1:36) it's like FedEx Field. And you're like, Jesus Christ. Speaker 3 (1:40) I liked like Three River Stadium, you know? Yeah. The big sombrero in Tampa. Speaker 4 (1:47) How long have you been back on tour? Speaker 3 (1:48) I'm on tour for the next, I'm gone for a straight month. And then I stay out. Most of November, most of December. And then I got a crazy tour. I'm announcing, I don't know when I'm going to do it, but I have a crazy tour idea that I'm doing. You told me about it. Yeah, yeah. That is going to be fucking insane. And then I'm going to shoot a movie and then go back out on tour and get ready to shoot this special. Hey, you just announced a tour. Congratulations. Speaker 4 (2:14) I did. I announced a tour. Platypus? What's Speaker 3 (2:17) it Speaker 4 (2:17) called? Speaker 4 (2:19) Preposterous? Speaker 3 (2:19) Preposterous. I'm sorry. I didn't have my readers on. Speaker 4 (2:23) It's the same thing, by the way. This is nothing new. Every time you announce the leg of a tour, people are like, how come you're not coming to this city? And you're like, I am. It's just not yet. So I'm sure you're in the middle of that right now. I wonder when this lighting is going to change because I'm Speaker 3 (2:40) sure everyone's getting a stroke having fucking epilepsy Speaker 4 (2:42) in the back. That is crazy. Hey Speaker 3 (2:45) Kyle, can you get them to fix the lighting so it's not fucking thunderstorms? Speaker 4 (2:50) It looks nuts. It looks insane. So wait, what were Speaker 3 (2:52) you going to say about your tour? Speaker 4 (2:53) No, no, it's just that the first leg is up. So right now I've announced January through May, and then sometime in the spring I'll announce the second leg and so on and so forth. So it'll go on for a couple years, as they always do. Speaker 3 (3:06) Yeah, they go on forever. Do you remember when we were kids and you didn't have a tour? Yeah, I miss it a little bit Speaker 4 (3:13) Yeah, I'm having to keep doing this man. Speaker 3 (3:16) I'm having I'm having weird depression with this with touring cuz it's changed it's changed so much and like It's I'm not saying like it's a job, but like man my first theater tour. I was so excited my first arena tour I was so excited and now I'm just like I'm still excited for the material stuff But I missed the I missed the like the newness of it, you know Yeah Speaker 4 (3:43) Well, you've been doing it a long time, dude. Yeah. You've been doing it a long time. How many shows are you doing a week right now? Speaker 3 (3:49) I'm doing Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And then I fly to Dallas Monday. I fly to London on another Monday. I'm doing the New York Food and Wine Festival. And I'm kind of packed with my schedule, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then fly in and do the show Thursday, Friday, Saturday. It's like old school when we used to do Two Bears in Austin. Speaker 4 (4:10) Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, are you doing shows in London or a festival? I'm going Speaker 3 (4:14) to the NFL game. It's kind of complicated, but I have a thing that I'm going over for that. Speaker 4 (4:20) To promote? Speaker 3 (4:21) No. It's a long story. Speaker 4 (4:24) Okay. Speaker 3 (4:24) Yeah, but I'm going to the NFL game in London. I'm kind of excited. Speaker 4 (4:29) That should be fun. Who's playing? Speaker 3 (4:31) Jacksonville Jaguars and the Texans. Have you seen, did you see the Ravens game that came down to a field goal? I saw bits and pieces of it. What's crazy to me, Tom, is that. I like that we're broadening out with the NFL going to different countries. I like that. I kind of hope that we get a London team, you know? We get an Australia team. That would be a fucking nightmare. But like a Mexico City team. Or at least send the Raiders to Mexico City. Speaker 4 (5:00) You have to. Send them home. Part of me says like I kind of. Speaker 3 (5:05) It's kind of weird watching a game that comes down to the end of the line where it's decided by a field goal and no one in this audience is invested. Speaker 4 (5:16) No one in the stands? No one Speaker 3 (5:19) cheered. Speaker 4 (5:20) They didn't? Speaker 3 (5:21) No, they just were like, all right, it's Speaker 4 (5:24) time Speaker 3 (5:24) to get a point. I thought they were crazy. Speaker 4 (5:26) They didn't go crazy? No, it was just like, oh, all right. Was that the Aussie one or the Brazil one? I thought that was in Brazil. It was the one that just was. Kyle, where did the Speaker 3 (5:36) Ravens play? It was in Brazil. It was in Brazil, and they were like, all right, footy. Speaker 4 (5:41) Foot in Speaker 3 (5:41) Brazil? They got footy. Speaker 4 (5:43) They had a bunch of Aussies there. Man, you don't know geography. It's amazing. Brazil. Brazil. Brazil, Brazil, Brazil. Yeah, Speaker 3 (5:51) I Speaker 4 (5:51) think that game was in Rio. Was it? They were so excited about the field goal. They were like, finally. Finally he's using his foot. Speaker 5 (5:58) Yeah. Speaker 4 (5:59) Finally we get it, dude. Finally. They've been using their hands. What the fuck is wrong with these animals? Everyone hates that we call it football outside of our country. They hate it. It's kind of crazy when you Speaker 3 (6:12) think of the old, there's only like two places in the world that still use the metric system the way we do. And I think it's like, it's like fucking. Sierra Leone and us. That don't use the metric system the only people that use the metric system like us is us and like Sierra Leone What is the other place Cameroon? Speaker 4 (6:36) Hmm. What does that Speaker 3 (6:37) say? Speaker 4 (6:37) Can you see that? It says only the United States, Liberia, and Myanmar are widely cited as the primary countries that have not adopted the metric system. Speaker 3 (6:48) Yeah. By the way, two places that are pretty prone for a revolution. Speaker 4 (6:53) Well, three. Yeah. I think we're on our way to one, so it kind of makes sense. Speaker 3 (6:59) Liberia is a great place to vacation, I think. Really? I'm joking. Okay. And what, Miramar? Miramar had, I think they had like an ethnic cleansing. Speaker 4 (7:13) Dude, we are due for it. It's about to happen. You think so? Don't you feel like things are tipping in this country? I don't know. I don't see. Speaker 3 (7:22) Does the road feel normal? No, the road feels normal to me. Really? Yeah. Speaker 3 (7:29) I mean, it's Speaker 4 (7:30) sense anything different. Speaker 3 (7:31) I don't but I don't talk about politics or ads are the same. Speaker 4 (7:35) What's that? Crowds are the same. Yeah, I mean they look like me they take their shirts off like with me Okay. Yeah, I Speaker 3 (7:43) mean I don't I catch I caught I catch some snares here and like what flares sweat. What is it called when? Flares? What's it called when you get hit by a shrapnel? Speaker 3 (7:54) Strays? Strays. I catch some strays every now and then. Like some comic was like, I was just literally on threads because I clicked on the link to see something about Jon Stewart. And then the first comics was like, would Burt Kreischer please put his fucking shirt back on? And I was like, I don't need that in my life. That was the Speaker 4 (8:12) first comic? That was Speaker 3 (8:13) the first fucking thing. And I was like, Jesus Christ. I was like, fuck you. I didn't know the guy. Some comic. I wish I could give him a shout out. It's the best. So I catch some strays here and there. And I see strays like, okay. I'm trying to get what you're going at. Like they're attacking Pete Davidson for something I couldn't really wrap my head around. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you explain that to me? Speaker 4 (8:39) I guess he did an interview where he was talking about influencers. That's really what I got. And he was like, they get paid all this money to just fucking. Speaker 4 (8:50) Essentially do nothing and I guess a lot of people got mad at that. I don't know I don't get mad about a lot. I just kind of let people do their thing, don't care. Yeah, Speaker 3 (9:00) that would have never jumped on my radar. Also, I mean, not to, I mean, I'm sure I'll get in Speaker 4 (9:07) trouble for, is that Pete Davidson? Yeah, but that's, I think, an old photo. Speaker 3 (9:12) Wow. That's what his hair looks like when he grows it out? Speaker 4 (9:16) It's a nice mop. Speaker 3 (9:17) He's got blue eyes. Speaker 4 (9:20) Are you sure that's Speaker 3 (9:21) not Speaker 4 (9:21) AI? I'm growing it out, Bert. I think you should, and put it in a ponytail. Speaker 3 (9:25) Now that I got Speaker 4 (9:25) this start, yeah. Speaker 3 (9:28) There was a link I sent to Annie or to Zolo about how... Speaker 3 (9:35) Today's stars at 35 look so much younger than yesterday's stars at 35 and you're quite the opposite You look so much like an a throwback like a Kelsey Graham or a Brian Dennehy Because you look old as shit at what are you 49 47 47 you look like 59 you look like you could be in cocoon Like Speaker 4 (9:55) look at this. This is Speaker 3 (9:56) Betty Davis at 55 57 and that's Dua Lipa or not Dua Lipa Jennifer Lopez Speaker 4 (10:03) Yep, Speaker 3 (10:04) look at that. Yeah, look at that Debbie Reynolds at 59 Nicole Kidman at 50 and I mean it's not even didn't even look like the same fucking creature How Speaker 4 (10:14) do you think you do you think you look great buddy? I'm I look incredible I look Speaker 3 (10:18) phenomenal. You've heard that from someone? Speaker 4 (10:19) What's that? You've actually heard another person say Speaker 3 (10:22) that? Everyone says, everyone always says to me, you're 53? Holy shit, how old is Tom? And I go, he's like 49. And they're like, he looks so much older. He's like 365. Look at this. Betty Davis at 37. Emma Stone. Speaker 4 (10:41) That's the same age. Same age, I know. It's mind-blowing. And Speaker 3 (10:45) you're the only one. We're like, go to Brian Dennehy, keep scrolling, find a guy in here. Look at that. Yeah, Brian Denny at 43 and you actually look your age like you don't look anything like Henry Cavill I Speaker 4 (10:58) think I do look a lot like him actually Speaker 4 (11:03) I think in the face we look a lot alike. Speaker 4 (11:07) We do. We don't have the same hair, but other than that, it's pretty much a match. Speaker 3 (11:11) Find, find, find the cast of Cocoon, okay? Speaker 4 (11:17) Cast of Cocoon? Find the cast of Cocoon. Speaker 3 (11:23) Look at Wilford Brimley in Cocoon. Find them in Cocoon. They're like 47 years old. They're Speaker 4 (11:29) like 41. I know, and you look like Speaker 3 (11:31) you could have been in Cocoon. Speaker 4 (11:32) I like how you separate yourself. Dude, I look incredible. This is all your delusion. You always thought you looked incredible. There's never been a time where you don't think you look incredible, and you're the only one who says that. There's no one who's repeating what you're saying. Not one person. This is so you. Speaker 3 (11:51) You could play this part tomorrow. Buddy, Speaker 4 (11:54) you look like 10 pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. Look, is that a picture of you Speaker 3 (11:59) and Julian? Or that's him in the movie. I'm sorry. Speaker 4 (12:03) That's, yeah. Speaker 3 (12:04) I Speaker 4 (12:05) love that you're separating yourself as if, like, you're a vision of health. Speaker 1 (12:10) You look like Wilford Brimley. Speaker 4 (12:12) You're a bloated carcass. You look like Wilford. Speaker 3 (12:17) What are you talking about? Speaker 4 (12:19) Oh my God. You don't look good, Bert. Speaker 5 (12:22) There's no one who looks Speaker 3 (12:23) at you. Pull Speaker 5 (12:23) up Speaker 3 (12:23) Robert Redford at 55 and I'll see what I look like. That Speaker 4 (12:26) guy looks Speaker 3 (12:26) good. Bro. Robert Redford at 55. This is Speaker 4 (12:30) me. You look at someone like they're at their end of their life. God damn Speaker 3 (12:33) it. I swear to God I thought that was me. Speaker 4 (12:36) You did. I know. Dude, look at my forearms. But people look at you and they think of hospice care. Like they don't look at you and go, that guy looks good. Look at this slim Speaker 3 (12:44) face. Speaker 4 (12:44) They look at you and they go, this is what happens when you don't take care of yourself. Jawline right Speaker 3 (12:48) there. Speaker 4 (12:48) I know you're darkening your stuff there. Look at that. That's helping. Look at that good looking guy. Speaker 3 (12:52) Look at this body. Are you fucking serious? And then if I push it out really hard. Listen, I'm not going to lie to you. I've had some times where I don't look good. Okay? Okay, let's stop scrolling. Speaker 4 (13:02) And you think Speaker 3 (13:02) now's Speaker 4 (13:02) the Speaker 3 (13:02) time that you do. Stop scrolling on me. No, no, no, no, no. We're good. We're good. Speaker 4 (13:06) Go down, down, down. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa. That one. Hit that Speaker 3 (13:12) one. That one's good. I've had some moments. That's me at 275. Yeah. I fluctuate. Speaker 3 (13:20) I still look good. I Speaker 4 (13:23) still look good. Speaker 3 (13:26) Look at that full head of hair. Santa. Dark beard. Fucking Santa Claus, man. Fucking barrel-chested like an athlete. Uh-huh. Holy Speaker 4 (13:34) shit, man. Fucking Speaker 3 (13:36) that Speaker 4 (13:36) guy benched 325 pounds. Isn't that crazy? If you showed most people this photo, there's no way they would think he's alive. There's no way they'd be like, that guy's still alive. If you're like, that was a year ago. And then was that his memorial service? No one thinks that guy's alive. Do Speaker 3 (13:52) you know there's Speaker 4 (13:52) people fatter? A handful, but not a lot. Speaker 2 (13:58) Not a lot. Speaker 4 (13:59) Yeah. They're also all dead. You are delusional. I'm delusional. Speaker 3 (14:07) You should, wait, it's because you've had your hair dyed too long in this movie. You got to check out, like, go to Tom's, when you, oh, look at that guy. Speaker 4 (14:18) Yeah. Yeah, man. Speaker 3 (14:20) Fucking jacked. I am so jacked right now. Right now? Dude, I just ran a mile in one. Two. Speaker 3 (14:31) in, we did a mile in seven minutes and 30 seconds. Look Speaker 4 (14:34) at that fucking guy. Yeah. Speaker 3 (14:36) Yeah. I mean. Speaker 3 (14:40) I've got like what it's, I think what I have is like range. Range in appearance? In appearance. Like I can go, I'm like Mark Wahlberg. I can be like the big barrel chested bouncer like Guido guy. And then I can go skinny waif like Henry Cavill model superhero. Speaker 4 (14:59) No one's ever, ever. You are the most delusional person in standup though. You know that, right? Speaker 3 (15:05) I'm not. Speaker 4 (15:06) You're the most delusional. Speaker 3 (15:08) Well, first of all, let's preface this. All comedians need to be a little delusional to believe they can do it, correct? Speaker 4 (15:14) Yes, you take it to a whole other level. Speaker 3 (15:16) I may take it further than, say, fucking Chris DiStefano, right? Uh-huh. But I'm trying to think of someone who's pretty delusional, but... Speaker 4 (15:28) Wait, you think there's a stand-up more delusional than Speaker 3 (15:30) you? Speaker 4 (15:30) Oh, yeah. About what? You're delusional about everything. No. Speaker 3 (15:35) I'm very based Speaker 4 (15:36) in reality. Speaker 3 (15:36) That's Speaker 4 (15:36) your Speaker 3 (15:36) superpower. I'm very based in reality. Speaker 4 (15:40) Brody, as your friend who cares a lot about you, I've never seen somebody more delusional. Look at you. And you're delusional about... Look Speaker 3 (15:48) at you. In this picture, that's Kurt Metzger. Oh, my God. Kurt Speaker 4 (15:52) Metzger looks younger. How old is Kurt Metzger? He's older. Is he really? Yeah, I think so. He looks good compared Speaker 3 (15:58) to you. Speaker 4 (15:59) He's 49? Yeah. Speaker 4 (16:03) Yeah. Speaker 3 (16:05) Young Kurt Metzger. Are you still smoking cigarettes? No. Speaker 4 (16:10) No. Speaker 3 (16:13) What's your health regimen look like? Hey, Speaker 4 (16:15) are you Speaker 3 (16:15) still Speaker 4 (16:15) drinking a half a gallon of vodka Speaker 3 (16:17) a day? No, I don't, Tom. I don't. You said you're back to drinking. I'm very measured. I was just telling Annie. I can have a drink or two, but that's it. That's it? That's all I drink, really. One or two? Maybe. If I have two, I have to go to bed. So two's Speaker 4 (16:35) your max? Pretty much. Speaker 4 (16:38) Pretty much. Yeah, Speaker 3 (16:39) I know as a matter of fact. I just talked about in therapy I'm gonna stop telling the people hey, did you notice how little I drank? Because I don't need to say that anymore. I've already proved it to myself Speaker 3 (16:50) Because you've been saying it a lot. I've been saying a lot anytime I like I go the other day I did a podcast and some in the part lady doing the pocket was