Knock, Knock
Wisecrack
Comedian Ed Hedges performs a storytelling set in Scotland, weaving together humorous and deeply unsettling tales from his upbringing in Saf
Key takeaways
- Ed Hedges was relentlessly bullied by Ryan Goddard from kindergarten through his school years.
- A local newspaper editor, David Hedge, published an embarrassing article about Ed's weight following a cricket award ceremony.
Main topics
- Stand-up comedy storytelling
- Childhood bullying and trauma
Notable quotes
There are three lies in this story.
Conclusion
A gripping narrative that uses the structure of a comedy set to reveal
Transcript preview
Speaker 4 (0:00) Wisecrack is released weekly and brought to you absolutely free. But if you want to hear the whole season right now, it's available ad-free on Tenderfoot+. For more information, check out the show notes. Enjoy the episode. Speaker 3 (0:17) The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are solely those of the podcast author or individuals participating in the podcast and do not represent those of iHeartRadio, Tenderfoot TV or their employees. This podcast also contains subject matter which may not be suitable for everyone. Listener discretion is advised. Speaker 1 (0:55) Please welcome to the stage, Ed Hedges. Speaker 6 (1:10) Hello. Speaker 6 (1:12) My name's Ed. I woke up to that noise coming from my front door on the 22nd of July, 2015. And we're going to talk about that in a minute. But first... Hello. How are you? You well? Yeah, good. You seem lovely. I've seen you've fucked up the bar, which is nice. Very British of you, I feel, at home. This is already my favorite city on the face of the earth. It Speaker 4 (1:42) was pouring in Scotland. One of those surprise summer storms that barges in like an uninvited guest, sending all the tourists running for cover. I was just trying to make the best of my vacation, so I slipped into a makeshift comedy club off of Southbridge Street. It smelled of mildew and beer, but the mood was warm, all thanks to a man on stage. Speaker 6 (2:05) I just normally do straight stand-up, but this is a bit different. Just be calm. It's going to be fine. I'm not one of those comedians that picks on people at all, you know? There's some comedians that come out on stage and they're like, hey, what's that in your drink? Come? I'm not that guy. Speaker 6 (2:23) I'm going to tell you a story, right? And it's going to be one story all the way through. There's a few things I need you to know about this story before we kick off. It's true. Everything I'm going to tell you is completely true, apart from three things. There are three lies in this story. I'm going to tell three lies. It just helps it move a little bit better. Is that okay with you? Cool. Okay. And what I'm going to do is when I tell a lie, I'm instantly going to say, that was a lie. And no one needs to believe a lie for long. Speaker 4 (2:52) The thing is, I walked in the show that night seeking a brief escape, a quick laugh while the rain passed. But what I found was a story, one that would shape my life for the next nine years. Speaker 5 (3:21) And this story, Speaker 4 (3:27) it wasn't a joke. It definitely was not a joke. From Tenderfoot TV, I'm Jodi Tovey, and this is Wisecrack. Speaker 4 (4:02) Episode 1. Knock Knock. Speaker 7 (4:07) Hello, Edinburgh. How you doing? Speaker 7 (4:12) The Speaker 4 (4:13) Edinburgh Fringe is the largest performing arts festival in the world, attracting some three million people to Scotland's capital each year. Speaker 7 (4:20) One time I was at a bar that closed early because a guy got in a fistfight with his mom. That's how it's going down. Speaker 4 (4:31) For a few weeks each August, every spare pantry and broom closet in town is turned into a performing arts venue. Anyone with a dream of becoming famous rushes to get their turn in front of the mic. I was in town to enjoy the festival, a Scottish vacation to beat the Atlanta heat, and to take a breather from my job. I'm a freelance television producer. Most of my career is focused on true crime stories, and week after week of studying the complex criminal minds of murderers, well, it can wear you down. I needed a break. When the storm hit, I ducked into this 1830s drapery warehouse that had been temporarily transformed into a comedy club. And that's where I saw Ed Hedges perform for the first time. Speaker 6 (5:20) I think before we crack on with the show properly, I should talk about me a little bit. So I'm not just a weirdo on stage telling you a story. My name is Ed. Everyone say hello, Ed. Speaker 6 (5:29) Hello, I'm a comedian. I'm from the UK. I'm from a little village, a very small village, just outside of London. You wouldn't have heard of it. It's called Saffron Mall. There's not a lot there, like 4,000, 5,000 people there. I'm from a very rural background myself. My dad is a farmer and my mum is a cousin. So it's not like, not loads going on. It's not a super jumping place. I spent my whole life until I was 18 in this little village. And I was the most popular kid in the school. And that is the first lie of the show. See? See how it's going to work? It's going to be fine. You're going to be fine. I sat Speaker 4 (6:04) in the back of the room, blotting my wet hair with a cocktail napkin. The seats were about half full, I'd say 30 or 40 people. I remember thinking to myself two things. This kid has this tired, soaked audience eating out of his hand, confident in his comic timing. And the second thing I remember thinking is, Why did he tell us he was going to lie? Comedy at its roots is about exaggerating reality, distorting the truth so you can laugh at it. I mean, no one comes to a comedy show expecting the unvarnished truth. So why does this comedian feel the need to tell us that? Speaker 6 (6:54) I wasn't the most popular kid in the school. I was bullied relentlessly in school. I had ADHD, dyslexia and asthma, so I was into shaking stuff and wheezing, right? It was awful. And I love that we just got a woo for asthma. I can only imagine that woo took every ounce of air you had. Thank you. Speaker 6 (7:18) And also another thing on top of that is I was a really chubby kid. I was a proper chubby kid. I was this little chubby ball of energy. When I was 15, just to put it in context, I was 250 pounds. So yeah, correct response, just... Your mum didn't do a good job, did she? Speaker 4 (7:39) Ed is anything but 250 pounds. He's actually quite fit, with these soft brown eyes and a mop of curls. Like many young comedians, he's got a bit of a mischievous aura, but there's an undeniable charm about him, the kind that when he grins, you can't help but smile back. Speaker 6 (7:57) The weird thing about it was I was bullied my entire childhood in the village by one guy. I had one bully from like kindergarten to the end of my school career. The same guy, which a lot of people think is quite sad. I think it's sweet. I think that's so nice. Like he saw me and he was like, it's you. You're the one. I'm going to make your life hell for like 10 years. His name was Ryan Goddard. Just like a manly name, Goddard. He was perfect. Ryan Goddard was perfect. He was the perfect, he was like alpha, like specimen. He was pretty. He had like long blonde hair. He was in great shape. Girls loved him. He was charismatic. He was the nicest guy in the world, unless you were me. He was athletic. He was pretty. He always had a tan, even in winter in the UK. It's unheard of. He was brilliant at most things. And I simply wasn't. I just wasn't. The worst thing about it was he lived like four doors down from me for my entire childhood. So what he would do, he'd wait at the end of his garden for when I was walking to the school bus and he would just bully me. One time, there was like a three-week period where he'd go to the local bakery before school, which is like a 6 a.m. commitment. He'd buy donuts and he'd pelt me with them from the bridge. But here's the thing, I'm ashamed to say it. He got them so early, they were really fresh and good. And every time they'd hit me, I'd be like, oh,