S6 EP3: Paul Foot

What Did You Do Yesterday? with Max Rushden & David O'Doherty

In this episode, comedian Paul Foot joins hosts Max Rushden and David O'Doherty to recount the bizarre and chaotic events of his previous da

Key takeaways

• Paul Foot describes a ritualistic 4:00 AM breakfast consisting of Marks & Spencer prawn cocktails.
• A major portion of the day was consumed by administrative struggles with Vodafone regarding 5G SIM card activation.

Main topics

• 4 AM prawn cocktail routines
• Vodafone SIM card technical issues

Notable quotes

I consider myself to be primarily an administrative person who does things like VAT returns, who occasionally walks on stage.

Conclusion

A surreal and highly entertaining episode that showcases Paul Foot's u

Transcript preview

Speaker 3 (0:06) Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many. I have one already. I don't have any because there are enough. Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all. Why is that? Are they scared? Speaker 2 (0:26) Too afraid of being censored by the man? Speaker 3 (0:30) Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters. We try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday? Speaker 2 (0:37) What did Speaker 3 (0:37) you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday. Nothing more. Day Speaker 2 (0:45) before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life? Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. Speaker 3 (0:52) I'm Max Rushton. Speaker 2 (0:53) And I'm David O'Doherty. Speaker 3 (0:55) Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Speaker 3 (1:10) Hello and welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? My name is Max Rushner. Alongside me, the Irish finding man, David O'Doherty. Welcome, David. Wow. You see, what I love about Speaker 2 (1:21) this podcast is variety, Max, in that, you know, recently Chris Lintott has changed the game. And in a way, we're changing it again today with one of the most unpredictable people that we know. There was a line years ago that Dimitri Martin said about Eugene Merman, another friend of ours, and said that he's the only man in the world who wouldn't change your idea of him if he started wearing a cape. And I would say Paul Foot is another of those people. The start of his day is absolutely sensational. Speaker 3 (2:00) Yes. I mean, there are parts of this day that are mundane. Yeah. But the start of the day is absolutely marvellous. Speaker 2 (2:09) Eight minute opening. I think that's how long the incredible start is. I think so. We've just finished recording. You Speaker 3 (2:17) know, it's one of those where I feel it may be the best ever, but I can't work it out. Speaker 2 (2:27) is an extraordinary man of such incredible intelligence that creates such unusual and idiosyncratic comedy. You simply must check him out. He's on tour at the moment. It's paulfoot.tv and the show is called The Future. I mean, I think it is the greatest intro to Yesterday We've Ever Had. And I don't think there's much else to say about it, Max. No, I think we should get straight into Speaker 3 (2:57) it and we will debrief afterwards. But this is what Paul Foot did yesterday. Speaker 3 (3:12) Paul Speaker 1 (3:12) Foot, Speaker 3 (3:12) welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Speaker 1 (3:14) Oh, thank you very much for having me on. Speaker 2 (3:17) Normally, I have an idea what a day is going to be like. So when we talk to the astronomer who hosts the Sky at Night about what he did yesterday, generally it's going to involve stars, planets, whatnot. But the thing about having Paul Foot on is we have no idea, not even an inkling, what he could have got up to yesterday. And that's why I'm excited for this, Max. Speaker 1 (3:41) Oh, sorry. Speaker 3 (3:44) To the listeners, it's a screen went completely black. Maybe this is the first abduction we've ever had. live on the podcast. He's returned. Speaker 1 (3:53) Yes, well, you did say you had no idea what would happen. Speaker 3 (3:56) We didn't. This is an exciting turn of events. We have some spoilers that there are some technological things that happened to hardware belonging to Paul, but I want Paul to tell us those stories. So let's start at the beginning. Oh, Speaker 1 (4:08) yes, because we have to talk about what happened yesterday. That's the dream. And of course, what happened yesterday was quite relevant to all the technical problems I'm having. In fact, yesterday was a day of... I achieved nothing in the field of comedy or in the endeavor of trying to create better jokes or anything at all that might in any way improve me as a comedian or as a person. All I did yesterday was literally get embroiled in a load of administrative technical rubbish. involving Vodafone and other companies getting absolutely nowhere. In that way, when I've literally spent five hours of my time finally getting Vodafone to admit, actually, yes, your phone doesn't work. Speaker 3 (5:00) Well, I want to drill down into the details. We must begin at the start, Paul, which is what time did you wake up yesterday? Speaker 1 (5:07) Well, that's Speaker 3 (5:08) a Speaker 1 (5:08) difficult question to answer because... I'm not normal. You know, I don't sort of just get up and then that's the day. I sort of get up, do a few things and go back to bed and then it's all a bit disrupted, you know. So I think I got up about, maybe about four. Wow. Speaker 2 (5:26) Yeah, Speaker 1 (5:26) I think I had a prawn cocktail and I had a plan that I'd stay up all morning and do a lot of administrative things and get a lot of administrative things done because I don't know about... I'd reveal, you'd understand this, DOD, that, you know, I don't consider myself really to be a comedian. I consider myself to be primarily an administrative person who does things like VAT returns, who occasionally walks on stage. Because most of my life is admin. Speaker 3 (5:58) Hang on. We have to get back to the 4am Speaker 2 (6:01) prawn Speaker 3 (6:01) cocktail. Speaker 2 (6:02) Are we talking... Prawns in a large goblet with Thousand Island dressing on it or some sort of mayonnaise? Speaker 1 (6:10) Well, it was actually Miles and Spencer's. It started because I was on tour on Sunday and I went with my supporter, Sam Ely, Basil Crumwick, and we went for a roast lunch. and I made two mistakes. One, never order starter if you're having roast lunch because you can never eat the roast lunch then. Of Speaker 2 (6:33) course, sure. Speaker 1 (6:34) Second, I got there one minute too late and they'd run out of the prawn cocktails. So I then became obsessed with the idea of a prawn cocktail. So the next day, I bought the Marks & Spencer's ultimate prawn cocktail sandwich. Okay. Plus two ultimate... Prawn cocktails, like the very, very top of the range, Marks & Spencer's prawn cocktails, king prawn cocktails in a Mary Rose dressing with avocado underneath. This is a far cry from the sort of prawn cocktail I am used to is what I call a proper pub prawn cocktail, Speaker 3 (7:13) which Speaker 1 (7:14) is, if it's done properly, it should be done like it used to be in the 70s, and it should be done with... Frozen prawns that haven't quite defrosted. Speaker 3 (7:24) That's at the bottom. And Speaker 1 (7:26) then it should have iceberg lettuce that is well past its prime and all brown around the edges. And then it should have the sauce squeezed on from a squeezy catering-sized thing, squeezed on. Speaker 3 (7:39) And Speaker 1 (7:40) then it should have a squeeze of lemon, but the lemon should be put into the sauce so there's no way of getting the lemon out without getting the sauce all over your hands. That's how you do a proper prawn cocktail of my youth. But nowadays, there's this trend towards fresh ingredients and all this stuff, you know. Speaker 2 (8:00) Anyway, Speaker 1 (8:00) so I got the very finest prawn cocktail from Marks and Spencer's. I was very generous because I bought one for me and one for my support act. I wanted to show my love for my support act. But later on in the journey... I withdrew the gift and said that I would have it myself. So in the end, I ended up having one prawn cocktail sandwich and two prawn cocktails. Speaker 3 (8:27) Now Speaker 1 (8:28) I've actually had enough prawn cocktail for at least a week. Speaker 3 (8:31) You've satisfied the lust. So my question is, between getting out of bed at 4am, how quickly are we into the... eating the prawn cocktail. Speaker 2 (8:40) There could be a world record of sorts here, Paul. The closest to waking up anyone has ever eaten a prawn cocktail. And Speaker 3 (8:47) the earliest ever prawn cocktail. Speaker 2 (8:48) Yeah. I Speaker 1 (8:49) would say one to two minutes after waking up. Wow. I just came out of my room and I darted down. And then I just got straight into the prawn cocktail. And I didn't even have a glass of water. Sometimes I can literally... be in my dining room with a glass of water, but I can't even be bothered to walk just a few yards into the kitchen to get more water. I just think, oh, well, there's no point. I just go back to bed. I'll have one later. I couldn't even be bothered with that. I just got straight into the prawn cocktail. Speaker 2 (9:22) Interruption here. Paul, I've run the numbers. So the prawn cocktail is, you bought it on Sunday. Yesterday was a Wednesday. Is it the case that the prawn cocktail was possibly slightly on the turn or were you happy that it was still in the land of the living? Speaker 1 (9:39) You picked up on a good point there, David. Well, I ordered the prawn cocktail on a Sunday but was refused because there were no prawn cocktails. Very generous prawn cocktail. I mean, I saw another couple having the amazing. Amazing. Huge. Anyway, that was refused. My request for a prawn cocktail on Sunday was refused. On Monday was the day I bought the prawn cocktails. Got it. But I had so much prawn cocktail that I had to finish some on Tuesday and some was still, yeah, so it was on the turn. Speaker 3 (10:14) Got it. So can I just check, this prawn cocktail that you've consumed, you didn't have two prawn cocktails and a prawn cocktail sandwich. In this sitting, you just had one of the ultimate prawn cocktails. Speaker 1 (10:25) Yes, because on the Monday, I'd eaten half of the ultimate prawn cocktail. On Tuesday morning at about 3am, I had the second half of the ultimate prawn cocktail. Later that day, I had the first of the prawn cocktails. Then on the Wednesday morning, I ate the second prawn cocktail, the one that had started off as a gift to my support act, but which ended up as Speaker 3 (10:52) my own. Speaker 1 (10:54) And obviously I had to explain to him that it was a gift, but that I'd withdrawn the gift. But he's very understanding. He totally understood my reasons. Right. Speaker 3 (11:05) Which were? That Speaker 1 (11:06) I had decided I wanted to have it instead. Okay. Speaker 3 (11:12) How long does it take to consume an ultimate prawn cocktail at 4.02am? Speaker 1 (11:18) I would say around five to six minutes to really enjoy the flavours. Yeah. Speaker 3 (11:25) And Speaker 1 (11:25) of course, I don't just sit there and eating it, scoffing it down. I also combine it with watching my favourite programme, which is Air Crash Investigation. Speaker 3 (11:35) Oh, yeah. Okay. Right. Now we're talking. Speaker 1 (11:39) What I love about it is all the things that go wrong, like 10 different things that all went wrong. If one of those things hadn't gone wrong, the accident wouldn't have happened. You know, it was all about air traffic control and they may have said something wrong. I find that fascinating. I think the same applies to like a stand-up comedy gig. You know, Speaker 2 (11:59) at Speaker 1 (12:00) least 10 things have to go wrong before it completely goes wrong. It might be, for example, that there's someone really aggressive in the audience and also... that my microphone doesn't work, and also that I'm a bit hungry because I haven't had a prawn cocktail that day. Like a whole series of things will happen. Sure. And then at the end of it, like a plane crash, the gig will go down really badly. Speaker 2 (12:27) Yeah, but Paul, 300 people don't die if you have a mediocre gig. Speaker 1 (12:33) No, I die. Okay, Speaker 2 (12:34) a death Speaker 1 (12:35) of Speaker 2 (12:35) one. Speaker 1 (12:35) A death of one. But yes, they don't die unless things go really wrong. I did actually have someone who almost died in an audience. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. It was two years ago now. I was doing a show, and then suddenly... The audience started, they weren't laughing as much. And I thought, well, you know why? Because my timing was impeccable. Speaker 2 (12:59) Yeah, sure. Speaker 1 (13:00) And then they were facing away from me. I thought, that's not good. That's when I realized someone had collapsed. Speaker 2 (13:07) Shit. I Speaker 1 (13:08) had to sort of kind of stop the show, but then kind of come back on. It's that very delicate balance where I had to sort of make the audience feel at ease and say, it's all fine. It's a medical emergency. But I had to kind of... be a bit serious in case it was really, really serious, but not too serious in case it wasn't too serious. But anyway, it turns out it wasn't too serious. He had had a seizure. And according to his doctor, it was a seizure due to too much laughter that caused a seizure. Speaker 3 (13:41) It's a Speaker 2 (13:42) compliment in a way. That is a compliment. It's Speaker 3 (13:44) a bit like how you can joke about the name for a storm, because they're always called like, you know, Storm Dave, until somebody is seriously injured by the storm. And then you have to take Storm Dave incredibly seriously. How long do we watch air traffic control investigates? Speaker 1 (14:00) Well, I only watch it during the food, so about five to six minutes. I Speaker 3 (14:06) have Speaker 1 (14:06) to pick that one up later. Speaker 3 (14:08) Okay, so it's five or six minutes past four. What are we going to do now? Speaker 1 (14:12) Then I decided that I couldn't be bothered to do administrative tasks, so I went back to bed immediately. Speaker 3 (14:19) Okay. Speaker 1 (14:21) It's a curious... Speaker 2 (14:23) snack to have eaten. I mean, in fairness, Lou Sanders wakes up at 4am and has a mayonnaise sandwich. But I don't think she went back to sleep immediately. Is it easy to go back to sleep on a prawn cocktail? Speaker 1 (14:37) Yes, because I immediately felt all that food. It kind of goes to the stomach, doesn't it? And it just makes you fall asleep straight away. Speaker 2 (14:46) It's very decadent food, certainly. So you nod straight off? I Speaker 1 (14:51) might have done a little bit of a cryptic crossword just for a couple of minutes before nodding off. I would do a bit of a cryptic crossword before bed. Speaker 3 (14:59) It's Speaker 1 (14:59) a Speaker 3 (14:59) sensational eight minutes we've just had. Well, hang on. We've had one to two minutes of getting to the dining room, five, six minutes of prawn cocktail, two minutes of cryptic crossword, and back to bed. It's an absolutely fantastic start. Perhaps the greatest start to a day we've had, Paul. Speaker 2 (15:16) Yeah. Yes. Where is this going next? What time next do your little eyelids bob open again? Speaker 3 (15:25) About 11. Wow. Wow. That prawn cocktail has really sent you to sleep. That's extraordinary. Okay, 11 o'clock. Please tell me you do the same again. Eight minutes, prawn cocktail, air-trimmed cocktail, back to bed. Speaker 1 (15:37) I think I did wake up to a couple of emails, and then I think I decided to nod off. just for a few minutes until around 20 past 12. Okay. And that's when the day really got going. There we go. Speaker 3 (15:52) Okay, we've been messing around for this time, but now we're on it. Speaker 2 (15:57) That's Speaker 1 (15:58) when I decided to do administrative tasks. Speaker 2 (16:01) Okay. And Speaker 1 (16:02) that's when it all went wrong. That was my day yesterday, really. It started because my phone's perfectly all right. It's a perfectly all right phone that works perfectly well. Speaker 3 (16:13) But Speaker 1 (16:14) I was advised, oh, I don't have the latest SIM card in it. It doesn't work with 5G standalone. So I must get a new SIM card. Speaker 2 (16:26) Paul, how old is the phone? Because it does seem like 5G standalone has been with us for a few years now. The Speaker 1 (16:34) phone is maybe four months old. But it's the SIM card that's the old part. Right, Speaker 3 (16:42) I see. Okay, so do we have the new SIM card or is the task to get the new SIM card? Speaker 1 (16:48) Yes, we have the new SIM card. It's in the post. What they didn't tell me is that in the meantime, I would have no working phone. Speaker 3 (16:56) Ah, so they've cancelled the working SIM card. Yeah, cancelled it. Right. So how do you contact them if you don't have a working SIM card? Great Speaker 2 (17:05) question. Speaker 1 (17:05) Over Wi-Fi. Got Speaker 3 (17:07) it. Speaker 2 (17:07) Yes, yes. Speaker 1 (17:09) It was not straightforward. It went on and on and on. Talked to various different people with all different theories. And then saying, oh, no, there's nothing wrong with your existing sim. It's all fine. Anyway, that went on for many, many hours, involving other people in my family, also helping in a quite long, protracted evening session. Speaker 3 (17:32) Right. Speaker 1 (17:33) And at the end of it, I finally received acknowledgement. This morning, 30 minutes before coming on to this programme, yes, they had actually turned it off. Speaker 3 (17:44) Right. So if we could just go back a few steps, we call Vodafone, and presumably there is a selection of, you know, buttons to press to get through to the right people. Speaker 1 (17:57) Are you chat? Chat. No one speaks, you know, so chat. Are you Speaker 3 (18:01) on chatbot? You're with a chatbot? Speaker 1 (18:03) Start with talking to the chatbot. Mm-hmm. and then escalate to telling the chatbot to make me speak to a human. Because the chatbots are so hopeless. It'd be like their Vodafone chat thing. Like, I use AI, and it's pretty sophisticated. You can ask it all sorts of sophisticated things. I don't understand. These companies have AI. It's so basic. You ask a really basic thing, and it just doesn't understand the most basic question. It's completely pointless. Speaker 2 (18:36) So normally it's multiple choice for the first while. And then it keeps, in my experience of these things, it keeps saying, thank you so much. This is a wonderful thing you've just written. You know, the AI is saying this to you almost as it tries to buy time for its computer brain to think about the response. Are you able to type in, let me speak to a human in which... Case, how do you phrase that when you write it into the little box? Speaker 1 (19:07) I just say... Speak to a human. Speaker 2 (19:12) Got it. I Speaker 1 (19:14) mean, there's no point writing like a nice thing saying, oh, would you be so kind to let me speak to a human? It's not a real person. Yes, yes. You just need to get past it. It's not real. It doesn't have emotions. It doesn't matter if you're a bit sort of terse with it. It doesn't care. Speaker 3 (19:31) Yeah. Jared Kimber, who's a cricket journalist, who played at the HSBC... playing grounds and I used to play football there and it's a beautiful playing grounds. And I think they've just sold it for property or whatever. And so he went on Twitter and he just said, you know, at HSBC, I've just lost my cricket club and I'm devastated. And then the HSBC AI replied, do you remember where you last saw it? Or something Speaker 2 (19:54) like Speaker 3 (19:56) that. Where did you last see five acres of land sitting there? Okay. So what family members do you? Is it a bit like sort of phone a friend on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Do you go for your sort of most basic family help when you sort of progress to the real expert at the end? What's your family Speaker 1 (20:15) root? Speaker 3 (20:16) Who are you going Speaker 1 (20:16) to Speaker 3 (20:16) first? Speaker 1 (20:17) Well, the family root is I have a nephew, not a real nephew, a kind of stolen one. Speaker 2 (20:25) Got it. Yeah, stolen nephew. But Speaker 1 (20:27) kind of a nephew. So I sort of go around because my parents live around the corner with my nephew and niece. But not real nephew and niece. But they kind of are. Right, okay. Anyway, so the nephew is the one who's the sort of brains behind it all. He's the one telling me, you need to get a new SIM card, all this stuff. And then my stepfather chips in by kind of... saying sort of passive-aggressive comments that always boil down to it doesn't really approve of my life and things that I've sort of wrecked my life with my career choices and it's all a bit of a disaster. Everything's sort of, you know, like for example, you know, it's all, oh, so you're not connected to the network. Now, that's right, I'm not connected to the network because my SIM card doesn't work. Oh, so you won't be able to... contact anyone, will you, about your gigs and stuff? Well, no, well, I could do with Wi-Fi. Oh, but, so don't use Wi-Fi. If it's someone who runs a comedy show, but they only use SMS, you won't be able to contact them, will you? Or a bit like that. Got it, yeah. Speaker 3 (21:46) Right. So you've got the helpful nephew and the sort of unhelpful stepfather. Is anyone else in the scene? Speaker 1 (21:53) There's a sort of a niece. Yeah. And she just does silly things like kicks me. Right, okay. Speaker 3 (21:59) What age is she? Speaker 1 (22:00) 14. Hang Speaker 2 (22:01) on, you've actually called over there now. So sorry, I had imagined that this was over the phone, but you have left your home and travelled to the place with the fake nephew and niece. Speaker 1 (22:14) Yeah, I've travelled to that place. It's only six minutes walk away, so it's not far to go. Speaker 2 (22:19) Okay, great. I'm Speaker 1 (22:20) now there with the people, with my stepfather barking things out about... Speaker 1 (22:28) You didn't think to make a backup and things like that, which don't mean anything. If you hadn't been so busy doing your... I know that you went to Edinburgh recently and you won an award, but perhaps if you'd been concentrating on doing a backup, now you'd have a backup. I don't even know what it means, anyway. Speaker 2 (22:47) Paul, not wishing to delve too much, is there tension in the family between the real people and the fake nephew and niece? Is there ever any tension there? Speaker 1 (22:58) Oh, no, there's no tension because they're very welcomed. Speaker 2 (23:03) Great. Yeah, yeah. In Speaker 1 (23:04) fact, they're from Ukraine. Oh, right. Oh, Speaker 2 (23:07) wonderful. In Speaker 1 (23:08) fact, they are. Because when you have people coming from Ukraine, I think they say you're supposed to host them for a minimum of six months. Speaker 3 (23:17) Okay. Yeah. Anyway, Speaker 1 (23:18) they've been there four and a half years, so I think everyone gets on pretty well. Speaker 3 (23:22) Okay. Speaker 1 (23:22) This worked out quite well. Speaker 3 (23:24) Really? Yeah, it has. And with your father-in-law sort of making these slightly pointed comments to you over the hours that you're trying to fix your SIM card, do you maintain the cool exterior or is it riling you inside? Speaker 1 (23:37) It doesn't rile me, but I am faced with a number of unhelpful... Speaker 1 (23:43) Yes. Both from him and