Stephan Speaks: Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong Person, and How to Stop

We're Out of Time

In this episode, Stefan Speaks discusses why people repeatedly choose incompatible partners, emphasizing that unresolved emotional wounds an

Key takeaways

• People often choose the wrong partner because they haven't healed from past hurts and are acting out of protection rather than authenticity.
• True relationship success requires deep alignment with one's authentic self and genuine emotional connection.

Main topics

• Self-acceptance and emotional healing
• Choosing partners based on past trauma vs. authentic desire

Notable quotes

"When you're not healed, you're looking at life through broken glasses."

"You can't suppress your true self forever—it's going to come out at some point."

Conclusion

True relationship fulfillment begins with self-healing and authentic self-acceptance. By

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) Because so many people are not healed themselves consciously or subconsciously they give a pass to other individuals for their lack of healing, all right. As well as because they haven't healed they can't as efficiently recognize those issues in others or see it for what it is. As I always say when you're not healed you're looking at life through broken glasses, all right. So, you cannot see as straight as you could had you gone through the healing process. Speaker 3 (0:46) If someone has a problem with substance use disorder, please call One Call Placement. That's 888-831-1581. And if we can't help you, we'll make a referral to someone who can. Please, we're out of time. One Call Placement is affiliated with Carrera Treatment Wellness and Spa and One Method Treatment Centers. Speaker 4 (1:07) Before we start the conversation today, I want to deliver a personal message. Every day, families across America lose someone they love to an overdose. Many of those deaths are preventable when communities have the right education, resources, and support. That's why I've partnered with the CDC Foundation through their COPE, Community Overdose Prevention Efforts campaign, and committed to matching every donation dollar for dollar up to $25,000. I've spent my life helping people recover from addiction, but if we can get to the place of prevention first, this would help save so many more lives. I hope you'll join me in supporting the CDC Foundation's overdose prevention work. at cdcfoundation.org slash cope. You can also visit the link below in the show notes to donate. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Today's guest is one of the most influential voices in relationships today. Known to millions as Stefan Speaks, he is a best-selling author, certified relationship coach, and speaker whose advice reaches people around the world every day. Through his videos, coaching, and best-selling book, The Man God Has For You, Stefan has helped countless people to better understand dating, communication, emotional healing, self-worth, and healthy relationships. He has become one of the most trusted voices helping people navigate love, relationships, and personal growth. Stefan, welcome. Man, I am so grateful. I've been watching your videos and they're beyond good. What I like about it is you sit there and you give basic common sense information that people can apply in their lives. Speaker 4 (3:11) We would think it was basic, right? But for the masses, some of this is like a spiritual experience, right? They don't even, they're like, good to know, right? Speaker 3 (3:24) And Speaker 4 (3:25) it's like when I was starting out on this, working with kids, and they were in the underground rap scene, right? And, you know, they're making all this money and they're spending it faster than they make it. And I was like giving them financial literacy and saying, no, no, no, no. This is how we're going to do it. Okay. This ain't going to last forever. Okay. Let's take care of ourselves here. And, you know, that was kind of basic too. But for them, it was a God shot. Speaker 1 (3:59) Yeah. Speaker 4 (4:00) Right. And some of them really took it in. And so it made me feel really good about it. I know this makes you feel good about it because I talk about, you know, sobriety isn't enough. Speaker 1 (4:11) It's Speaker 4 (4:12) about building your best life, right? And you can't have a best life if you're not engaged with humanity. And we're hardwired to love, right, each other. And so you need it. And that's your lane, man. And you're doing God's work. Thank Speaker 1 (4:31) you. Speaker 4 (4:33) You weren't always a relationship expert. What first drew you into this work? Speaker 1 (4:39) So it was all God. I got my degree in management information systems. So I was an IT guy. All right. And even before then, I was an accounting major. So I was math. I was numbers. I was logic. I wasn't into any of this stuff. And though I was always someone that people came to for advice, I never viewed it as I would make this a career. It was really just going through a spiritual journey. And even before that, I was into real estate investment. I'm like 25 years old, I have 15 properties, I'm throwing parties, I'm living a completely different life. But God took me through this journey and... It wasn't like I knew I was going to be a relationship coach or a speaker. I was just asking God what do I do next? And the first step was writing a book and then from a book it went to a blog and then from a blog getting certified as a coach and speaking. And it just... I just kept asking what's the next step? What's the next step? Kept doing it and then here I am. Speaker 4 (5:47) You know what's great about that? You are an accountant and an IT guy. And those guys are typically socially not perfect. They don't have the ability. They're not orators. Speaker 1 (6:05) And Speaker 4 (6:06) the message you convey is. easily palatable to the masses. And that's not typically the case. So I love the fact that you, that you talk about God. I always, I, the way I do it is I feel the pull. Speaker 1 (6:25) Yeah. And Speaker 4 (6:26) when I feel the pull, I go in that direction. So I, I just, I love that. After helping millions of people, what's the biggest lesson you've learned about relationships? Speaker 1 (6:37) Ooh, the big. Okay, I don't know if it's the biggest lesson, but one of the biggest lessons is that... I always say what comes to mind first and what's coming to mind first is that people don't really know themselves. And what I think is a more accurate thing to say is people haven't really accepted themselves. I think a lot of people they understand certain aspects about them, but society, family, friends, whatever tells them you're not supposed to be that way or that's not good or whatever the case may be. And so, they suppress those things or they fight against it and they try to fit their life into this box that doesn't work. And because they're not being true to themselves they end up choosing a partner who doesn't fit into their life and who they really are. And they can keep it going initially but you know, I always say you can't suppress your true self forever it's going to come out at some point. And when that true self comes out it's not a lot of times it doesn't like the person you chose to be with, all right. And now that's when everything starts to fall apart but it all started with a lack of accepting who we are, what is important to us, what we need, and what kind of life we truly want to live. Speaker 4 (8:01) You know, my friends, when I start back in the day, when I started dating someone, they're like, did you show them your ass or are you just behaving right? Right. And I remember the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I met her like 20 years ago and I kissed her and it was so. I was so dizzy after it, I fell through a doorway. And she thought it was the coolest thing ever. And then for three weeks, I'm like, you like pancakes? She's like, yeah. So we drove to Solvang for pancakes, like two hours to get there, just so I could be in the car with her, right? And I planned everything perfectly for three weeks and I had nothing left. It was over. Speaker 4 (8:53) And the relationship ended three weeks later, right? Because she's, you know, we had self-esteem and, you know, I wasn't that guy yet. Speaker 1 (9:01) Yeah. Speaker 4 (9:02) That's, that's so funny. You're so right. You're so right. You are right. All right. Why do so many people keep choosing the wrong partner? And I, I know you just touched on that, but you got to give me a little more. Speaker 1 (9:17) Yeah. So I'll go in a different direction with this one. people keep choosing the wrong partner because people don't heal from their past hurts and disappointments. And so, people are choosing out of a protective mindset not out of a flourishing mindset, right. So, it's like okay, for example, men or women you know most people experience someone that they really try to give their heart to and things don't work out for whatever reason, right. And they get hurt And now whether consciously or subconsciously they tell themselves okay, I'm not going to put myself in that position again. So, for some people that might look like choosing someone who's less attractive. For someone else that might be choosing someone who has a certain family dynamic or choosing someone that they're not really in love with but they like enough to want to be with, right. There's all these little controls they try to put in place all for the purpose of I don't want to be hurt like I was before. But all those things do is set them up for failure because they're choosing someone that they again, don't truly align with, not truly into and relationships more than ever need two people who are deeply into each other. There's so much distractions, there's so much more pulling us away from each other. That if you don't have that strong foundation of deeply being into each other, it's just not going to work. And it's definitely not going to work over a long period of time. Speaker 4 (10:51) That's so true. And I've never been in a relationship ever where one person didn't like or love the other person more. Okay. And how do you get to even? Speaker 1 (11:11) So, you get to even one, like I said you got to heal because you got to get past all this fear or release all that negative energy, hurt, disappointment that's causing you to again, navigate this dating space in this protective mode. It's almost like being a defensive driver versus an offensive driver. Defensive driver always waiting to get hit, all right. That's what causes you to drive a lot slower, not be as efficient. but the offensive driver understands okay, I'm trying to get to my destination but I'm still aware of danger when it comes, all right. You got to be willing to really be vulnerable and give yourself fully. And by doing that again, still keeping your eyes open to all right, you know what maybe this person isn't for me. Maybe we don't want the same things. There are still foundational principles we have to check off to make sure that they are in place to have success but love fully, give fully. Because in that one, if I'm being honest here, we deep inside our spirit, our intuition, our gut, whatever you want to call it, tends to know when we've met that person that is like this is the one, okay. Or at least we know they're at that level or potentially are. But again, it's our fears and our logic and our over-analyzation that pulls us away from that. we got to learn to just embrace it. And then if it shows itself to not be good for us all right, then let it go. But by embracing it fully now it can be nurtured, now it can flourish, now it can become that amazing relationship. And when you speak to two people who are deeply in love with each other. So, it's not about analyzing how the other person feels as much as much as it is first analyzing how do you feel. If you're not truly deeply in love with them Trust me, they're not deeply in love with you. They may be infatuated, they may have an unhealthy attachment, there's something else driving them. But I'm a firm believer that true love is a two-way experience. You can't have one feeling it and the other's not. It just does not work that way. When you dive deeper into those situations you find there's other things at play. But so, we start with you. Are you even in love? Genuinely. Right, and again, that's part of knowing yourself and understanding your own feelings about things, recognizing if you're operating off an attachment or truly a spiritual connection with this individual. And then from there, it's never even about like when you find two people who are truly in love, no one can say that the other loves the other more. Because here's the amazing thing, when you're deeply in love you will always feel like... I must love them more because you can only experience your feelings. You're not in their body. So there's always going to be things to make you question, okay, well, maybe they don't love me as much as I do because I know I'm just so into them. But both parties feel that way. And as long as both parties are showing up, pouring into each other, and you are experiencing that connection, you're good to go. Speaker 4 (14:20) Best answer Speaker 1 (14:21) ever. Speaker 4 (14:21) All right. Speaker 1 (14:22) It Speaker 4 (14:23) was. Hey, man, when it's not, I'll tell you, okay? Speaker 1 (14:27) This Speaker 4 (14:27) is it. You're on it. So I was watching a video before we got on and you were talking about women needing safety. That is their primary thing. Okay. And you're like, I'm going to paraphrase. These women don't unlock. They can't until they feel completely safe with their man. And then they can give you, they can be their best selves back. Okay, talk about that. Speaker 1 (15:00) So, absolutely women need that safety but I think when women hear me say that and even when men hear me say that that safety starts within them first because here's the tricky thing about safety. if that woman has been hurt before and she has not healed there's nothing a man can do that will completely make her feel safe, all right. And what's crazy is or let me not use the word crazy. What's unfortunate is that if that man is doing everything right he is Mr. Perfect let's say they've been dating for two, three months. But again, she's been hurt before she's been let down she hasn't healed. in many cases she will start to think he's too good to be true. Something has to be wrong. So, now it becomes even scarier for her to move forward with that guy. So, a lot of women this is why and it happens to men too you'll see women run from this amazing man and run to men who are beneath them not the quality that they need or deserve because it's more comfortable. It's almost like and excuse my language it feels safer when you're dealing with the asshole you know. But when you're dealing with this guy who's coming across so amazing but your history has told you he must have an asshole somewhere in him and I'm just waiting for the pin to drop. Now, that makes you so nervous and you're waiting for something to happen and it drives a woman crazy. So, that's why it will always begin with one, she has to create that safety within herself by healing, right. And by understanding that there is no... None of us are perfect. So, no one is going to give you 100 % safety meaning if you be with someone long enough they're going to make some mistakes. That's just life, okay. You have to be able to understand the difference between... There's a quote I always use, learn the difference between a man who isn't perfect and a man who isn't worth it, all right. So, some men even if he's great, amazing, loves you to death, he might do some stupid things. He probably will do some stupid things, all right. That's just the function of us being human beings and men. Speaker 4 (17:20) Do you know how I get through that? Go Speaker 1 (17:22) ahead. Speaker 4 (17:23) Being extremely soft, right? And you know about the energy and the delivery, right? So it's a connection. It's soft with a combination of intellectual, intellectual, genuine curiosity about the other person. Right. And I have found the more space I give them. to have to listen and actually talk because it usually goes the other way. The guy gets nervous and he's like, right. It just, and then, you know, but when you get soft and you make that connection and you really want to know about that person, especially on the first date, because first impressions are everything. I found that even women who you're exactly right, came to the relationship with the trauma, right, of being hurt before and all that other stuff. I feel like it helps. Now, you're right, it's never going to be perfect. But then it's about consistency over time, right? And eventually they lean into it. Is that your experience? Speaker 1 (18:45) Yes, and so that would be the other side of it to where you know, the role the woman plays is she has to create it within herself through healing. And then the role the man plays is as you stated allowing her to express herself, okay. Like, one of the things that creates a lot of problems for women in relationships is that if they can't get their questions answered, if they can't get things off their chest, you put them in a situation that they now have to start over analyzing and overthinking for themselves. And that leads to a lot of negative assumptions and her possibly freaking out also her allowing someone else's input to now make her think something very negative. Whereas if you just gave her the space to come to you, talk, open up, listen to her, you eliminate all