Judge Jenny & Pandora Hack

We're Here to Help

Hosts Jake and Gareth navigate a series of chaotic listener dilemmas, ranging from church-based social politics to dental office music fatig

Key takeaways

• Ed from North Alabama seeks to reunite a golf group disrupted by a past fling between David and Lillian.
• The hosts suggest using a 'surprise party' for David's birthday to bridge the gap with his girlfriend, Jenny.

Main topics

• Church social dynamics
• Dental office playlists

Notable quotes

Anything free, we're both like, I'll put it on my body and in my mouth hole.

Conclusion

A chaotic but helpful guide to managing interpersonal drama and techno

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:01) This is a HeadGum Podcast. Speaker 6 (0:10) Sometimes we have the urge to reach into the past and grab onto the regrets or lost connections that will stay with us. These moments have a way of making us wonder, what if things had gone differently? The acclaimed podcast Heavyweight explores that question and tries to make things right. In a single episode, you can laugh, cry, and reflect on your own defining moments and maybe even find the closure you might be searching for. Listen to Heavyweight wherever you get your podcasts. Speaker 2 (0:57) And I'm back. It looks like we're both wearing Quinn shirts. Say yes. That's what happens when you get a sponsor. You Speaker 6 (1:08) start wearing a uniform, brother. How about this? There was no small talk. We jumped right on. We're Speaker 2 (1:14) both Speaker 6 (1:14) wearing sponsored shirts. Speaker 2 (1:16) Because we're clowns. That's what clowns do. Speaker 6 (1:21) I'm going to bring respect. I'm going to make you respect this at some point. Speaker 2 (1:26) Here's the thing. Anything free, we're both like, I'll put it on my body and in my mouth hole. Anything free, anything. It's disgusting. Speaker 6 (1:34) Kyle was on the road with me, you know, because we were taking the movie around. So he was in the van for Pam calls. And Pam's. Speaker 2 (1:45) Could he hear me in the background in the bed? Go on. Speaker 2 (1:52) It's Speaker 6 (1:52) when you say go on. It's dismissive to what I'm going. Speaker 2 (1:56) No, because it's an old, you know what? Yeah, Pam and I have sex. It's also disgusting. They're like, I'm driving to work. I don't Speaker 6 (2:04) need Speaker 2 (2:04) to hear about Pam and Jake's 69. Stop. Speaker 2 (2:08) Not that Speaker 6 (2:09) one. Tell Speaker 2 (2:10) everybody in this great audience how your movie's going. What's happening? Speaker 6 (2:13) It was great. It was honestly better than I thought. A lot of our fans came out, and it was awesome. I signed some Dick Tracy dolls, which is totally a normal thing to explain to other people when they're near you, when you're like, I'm associated with Dick Tracy now. But it was great. But my mother was talking. about the Wheel of Fortune experience. Oh. And she was saying, oh, I don't think I took that much. And Kyle was like, Pam, you stole a lot from the show. And she was like, oh, I didn't think so. And he was like, yeah, you took tons. He's like, you were shoving goldfish into my pockets, which I don't want you to jump on for a youth Speaker 2 (2:58) program. Speaker 6 (2:58) You Speaker 2 (2:58) know what I Speaker 6 (2:58) got to Speaker 2 (2:59) say to you and Kyle? Let us live. What are you talking about? Pam, you do this. Pam, you do this. Jake, you do this. Jake, you do this. I get it. You're a bratty little teenage boy. You don't like that your mother's sexually satisfied. Let me Speaker 6 (3:13) talk to you about Speaker 2 (3:13) something Speaker 6 (3:14) real Speaker 2 (3:14) quick. Speaker 6 (3:14) God, let us live, brother. Let me talk to you about something very quickly. Because when I refer to myself as a younger age on this show, oh, it's laughed at. Oh, yeah, what a dumb bit. And yet, when you want to talk about being intimate. Agreed. Don't say agreed yet, because listen to me. That's dismissive. That's dismissive language. Agreed. Stop. When I say... Hold on one second. Speaker 2 (3:42) Pam, he's just having a little tween blow up. Hormones. I think he's going through puberty. Go on. Okay. Speaker 6 (3:51) I don't... Speaker 2 (3:52) Hold on one second. Pam, he's just showing off for his we're here to help friends. Go on. I'm Speaker 6 (3:58) showing off for my we're here to help friends. That's what you think. Speaker 2 (4:03) Pam, he's just showing off for a bunch of people listening in their cars while going to work or doing chores around the house. Go on, bud. Nope. Hey, how's everything? Speaker 6 (4:12) There's no need. There's no need. There's no... Wanted to tell a simple little story and I can't even... By the way, I'm not... Speaker 6 (4:23) I'm not happy because I'm not going to lie to you, Jake. I have an intro for our session today. Do it. No. We've still got a Speaker 2 (4:31) couple more minutes. Speaker 6 (4:32) No. It's a Pam video. Speaker 2 (4:35) Please, I'll stop talking and go. My mother Speaker 6 (4:37) has been stressing me out. Okay. Because she has a favor she wants. Now, I'm going to say a couple things, and I don't want you to go dirty, okay? Speaker 2 (4:50) Okay. Speaker 6 (4:51) I'm nervous because even the way you just said okay is troubling. My mother has... Speaker 6 (5:02) has been asking me to ask you for something. There it is. And I'm careful. And I was like, I don't know. It's not a big deal. You're always very accommodating. But this was very specific. And so I said, well, why don't you get on a Zoom and you can be on the show? But it was timing-wise, it might not work. So I had her make a two-camera video. Two-camera? Stop. Speaker 6 (5:34) So I just want, this is a. Natalie, just play the goddamn video. I'm sorry. Jake's taking it in such a filthy way. I could just... I see... Stop. Stop that. I see the gears working. Here we go. And by the way, Jake... Hello, Jake. It's Speaker 1 (5:49) Pam. I'm wondering if you can do me an absolutely huge favor. I think I've told you before that you have fans in London and they're part of my ex-in-law family. And my in-law niece, Hannah... is going to be 30 on the 13th of September. And her mum would love it if she could have a message from you for her birthday, just to wish her a happy day. You don't have to say anything more. And I also want you to know, it's rather funny actually, but this flower, I've been up to my old stealing tricks, gleaning, and I took these flowers off the path and I thought how pretty they were. Anyway, I hope you're all right. And if you could just wish... Panera birthday, happy birthday. I would be so grateful. And I'll buy you a present from England in exchange. I'll try to find you something with a monkey on. I've been looking already. But the only thing, one thing I saw, I think it was a plush monkey, but it had something very suggestive on it. And I didn't think that was appropriate. I thought you were far too conservative for me to do that. And I hope everything's going well with you. And it is me. And I'll see you soon. Bye bye, Jake. Thanks a lot. Bye bye. Speaker 6 (7:11) So she sent it and I was like, great. And then the ending obviously is not great. But that's a request. So you don't need to do it now. But off air, if you could, what? Say something. Speaker 2 (7:28) Every time I talk, you tell me to stop talking. Talk. Go ahead. No, go ahead. No, go ahead. Go ahead. Speaker 6 (7:36) It's just a request. So there you go. Speaker 2 (7:41) Hey, Hannah, I just want to say happy 30th birthday. I got a little video from my sweet Pam where she asked me to make this for you. I hear that you're a fan. I hope you listen to our podcast. We're here to help. Pam and I are very close. We care about each other a lot. Speaker 6 (8:03) Okay, come on. Speaker 2 (8:06) So I want to say to you on this unbelievable birthday, you're 30 years old, to celebrate this great day, to enjoy this great day. And Pam has promised me a little monkey, a little gift, a little furry little monkey. Yeah? Speaker 2 (8:30) Hannah, this is a Speaker 6 (8:33) birthday message. Speaker 2 (8:38) Happy birthday from me, sweet Pam, and our little bratty, my little bratty stepson, Gareth. Gareth, you want to say something, you little teenage brat? No, Speaker 6 (8:51) I'm not a teenage brat, okay? You've taken it there. Thank you for doing that, Jake. Say something to Speaker 2 (8:58) Hannah. Happy birthday, Hannah. You don't want me to say happy birthday, but happy birthday to you. Now say something to Hannah about Pam. Speaker 6 (9:09) Hannah, Pam was very, very, very involved and invested in getting this to happen. So happy birthday and you should thank Pam. Speaker 2 (9:17) Hannah, happy birthday. Speaker 6 (9:19) I thought that was going one further. Thank you, Jake. Enjoy the show. Enjoy Speaker 2 (9:28) the ass. Speaker 2 (9:34) This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Kachava. Speaker 6 (9:37) It's the best, the best protein. You cannot beat the protein. You know what I do with it? Is I put Speaker 2 (9:42) it in my overnight oats. I do the chocolate almost exclusively. I have tried the new salted caramel. It is good. Speaker 6 (9:49) Caramel is salt's perfect little sidekick. Caramel to me is Batman. 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I don't even need ad copy when it comes to Squarespace because let me tell you, first of all, they're hanging in there with the promo code. They're still doing the Gil sent me and we love them for it. But Squarespace is a place where you can go and design your own website. Could not be more user-friendly, looks so professional, all-in-one website platform. You're going to stand out and succeed online with Squarespace. My website is Squarespace. We've made tons of websites on the show with Squarespace. It's just different ways to scale up your business. You look professional. If you even want to be considered in the game, you have to have a Squarespace site. We've got SEO tools. They're going to make you go higher, make sure your search engine features are optimized. There's videos. There's contributions. There's merch. all these things. You're just going to be like, well, I actually have one of those websites. So if you're in the game, you have a small business, you're trying to promote yourself, or let's say you want to do a, like a wigs and swords party or something like that, like we did on the show and you want to make it look real, use Squarespace. So go to squarespace.com slash Gil sent me for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10 % off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's it. Get involved. Speaker 6 (12:01) Hello. Speaker 5 (12:02) Hey, Speaker 6 (12:02) how's it going? Speaker 5 (12:03) Good, how are you? How you Speaker 2 (12:04) doing? Speaker 5 (12:06) I'm doing Speaker 2 (12:07) great today. Can we get your name, please? I'm Ed. Ed, you here with the girls, me and Gareth? What's up, girl? Where are you calling from, Eddie? Calling Speaker 5 (12:21) from North Alabama today. Speaker 2 (12:23) Cool as fuck. How old are you, Ed? Speaker 5 (12:28) I'm 24. Speaker 2 (12:30) Oh, you're just a kid. What are you doing in North Alabama? You're just a young girl. Speaker 6 (12:33) I'm Speaker 2 (12:34) just Speaker 6 (12:34) a young girl, man. Speaker 2 (12:37) You're just starting your beautiful life. Speaker 6 (12:39) All Speaker 2 (12:39) right, sweetheart, you're 24. Your name is Eddie. You're from North Alabama. Good looking. What can we do for you? Go Speaker 5 (12:46) ahead, darling. All right, I've got a little bit of a situation over here. It's going to take some explaining, so I'll try to get it Speaker 2 (12:53) done Speaker 5 (12:54) pretty quick. Honey, don't rush yourself. Jake's right. Don't worry about this lady. Speaker 5 (13:00) All right. I work at a church in North Alabama. It's an Episcopal church. And I work in a department with three people. It's myself, my boss, Jeff, and my coworker, Lillian. And we work pretty close together and we're pretty tight. We're good friends. And then there's a fourth guy who we work with at the church. He's in a different department. And he flies kind of solo with his stuff. And so he hangs out with us a lot. And his name's David. And what the four of us do is that we golf a lot. We have a lot of weird hours and long weekends working at the church. And so it's not out of the ordinary for us to golf on like a Monday morning or a Thursday, which is a little hard for people in other industries to do. And so it's been the four of us. We golf a lot. Up until recently, David told me that golf with the four of us was off the table. because his girlfriend said that he couldn't do it. And she said that it's because him and Lillian kind of had a fling a little bit ago. And it's been over now. It's been over for about a year. Speaker 6 (14:13) Not a fling while David was with his current girlfriend, a previous fling. Speaker 5 (14:17) No, no, no. This was before they were dating. This happened. They'd broken up, and then he started dating this girl. Her name's Jenny. And so... And they've been dating for, you know, a good while now, about eight months or so. And so she's often Speaker 3 (14:33) all along, no problems Speaker 5 (14:35) up until Speaker 3 (14:36) recently. Speaker 5 (14:37) She said, no, you can't go golfing with them anymore. And it's because of Lillian. So my question today is how can I get the four of us back out on the golf course? Kind of without screwing up what David has going with Jenny. Speaker 2 (14:51) First of all, Ed, I want to give you a compliment. Speaker 2 (14:56) The way you did that setup was perfect. You were so clean. I fully get it. I think all of our listeners do. It is a significant problem, but we don't have to ask a lot of follow-ups because you did such a good fucking job. Speaker 5 (15:12) Yep. Go for it. Thank you. A lot of characters, too. Speaker 2 (15:16) Yeah, well done. Way to take your time. Speaker 5 (15:19) Be Speaker 2 (15:19) organized. Speaker 5 (15:20) It's a lot of drama. It's all layered. But the way you did Speaker 2 (15:25) it, Eddie, is you explained it in a way that if I'm at the bar, I get it. Just for the 4 % of the audience who are just dull, brain dead. Speaker 2 (15:39) We've got a situation. You got four buddies. You guys all golf. The new girlfriend, Jenny, has gotten jealous and said, I don't want you golfing if Lillian is there. Even though you've been around, David and Lillian, they're not crossing lines because we all know what those lines look like when they're crossed with friends, where you go, nothing's happening. But Lillian and David are weird. Like, why is he carrying her bag? Speaker 2 (16:08) Why is she bringing him another soft drink? I Speaker 5 (16:12) think I Speaker 2 (16:12) had Speaker 5 (16:12) a Speaker 2 (16:12) lot of... Speaker 5 (16:14) The, this fling, I don't even really know how it started or how it ended. It is kind of a thing where I don't know if that door has fully been closed by David and that has led to some mixed. Well, uh, well that changes back and forth. Yeah. Right. But I'll say that from my perspective, especially when we're out on the golf course, there's not a ton of interaction between the two of them. It's typically David and myself in a cart. And then Lillian and Jeff, because we do a little 2v2 scramble, and that's just kind of how the teams have shooken out. Speaker 2 (16:51) Right, but Ed, you just threw some weird ingredients into the jumbo. Because into the gumbo. Speaker 6 (17:02) Well, into the jambalaya gumbo, I think. Into the Speaker 2 (17:06) jumbo gumbo. The Speaker 6 (17:08) big gumbo. The big gumbo. Speaker 2 (17:10) And I'm going to tell you why. And I think our audience is going to agree. Speaker 2 (17:17) David's still a little bit weird about Lily, and I'm kind of with Jenny. Yeah. Speaker 5 (17:24) Yeah, no, I get it. It's definitely a thing. It is, okay. I just don't think it's that big of a deal. Let Speaker 6 (17:35) me ask you this. It's not like they're, all right. After golf, what are we doing? Anything? Is there the 19th hole? Are we going our separate ways? Is there an additional hang? Speaker 6 (17:47) It depends on the day. It depends on what Speaker 5 (17:49) we've got going on. Sometimes a few of us will go out to drinks, but rarely is it David and Lillian, just like the two of them. Or if it's all four of us, there's not really a ton of weird stuff going on between them. Can I ask a Speaker 2 (18:07) question that feels not great? This feels very Melrose Place vibes for a bunch of people working at a church. Are people who work at a church, you guys living a little scandalous, like golfing in the afternoon, flings, jealous girlfriends after golf drinks? Speaker 2 (18:29) It's not how I would have judged this when this call started. I think I could be Speaker 6 (18:32) religious. Speaker 2 (18:34) All of Speaker 6 (18:35) a Speaker 2 (18:35) sudden I'm like, oh, we're going to church. Sounds fun as hell. Speaker 5 (18:38) We have a long retreat or a long week of planning a retreat, and there's a lot of ups and downs. And when you're working at the church, you kind of need to be all buttoned up. Sure. And not necessarily act a certain way, but you need to. Yeah. Keep it tight. And then out on the golf course, you can just kind of be yourself and just kind of let it loose and just be like a normal person almost that sometimes you don't get that in the church. And that's why it's kind of a cherished thing between the four of us is because we go through these hard weekends where there's a lot of work, effort, and emotion put in. And golf is kind of that release that we get of like relaxing, like, yeah, we kind of earned this now. Speaker 2 (19:20) This makes sense to me. Speaker 6 (19:22) It does to me too. And I think, you know, we're on Ed's team here. Just quickly, Ed, do you think that David and Lillian, how long was this thing going on? Speaker 2 (19:36) It Speaker 5 (19:37) is the right question. Maybe two or three months. I mean, that's not super long. It was super Speaker 2 (19:43) short. Speaker 5 (19:44) It was, I mean, Jake, I'm going to just come out with a question. Speaker 2 (19:48) Gareth, jump in. Speaker 6 (19:51) Were they together? Like, did they, did they do it? Speaker 5 (19:57) No, they never did. Speaker 6 (19:58) No. There Speaker 5 (20:00) was a kiss in the rain that seemed a little romantic, but I think that's kind of all that happened. That's Speaker 6 (20:06) a notebook. That's nothing. Speaker 2 (20:07) Not necessarily. Eddie, Speaker 6 (20:09) how do Speaker 2 (20:10) you know there was a kiss? Not