Trade wars, what are they good for?

Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!

This week's episode of Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! features comedian and magician Carisa Hendrix (Lucy Darling), along with panelists Peter Grosz

Key takeaways

• Trade wars are portrayed as absurd diplomatic theater with exaggerated threats and retaliatory gestures like renaming lakes and calling Canadian geese 'America geese'.

Main topics

• Trade wars between the U.S. and Canada

Notable quotes

He can kiss my ass.

If that's what it takes, I'm willing to make any sacrifice.

Conclusion

The episode ends with a humorous look at how absurd modern trade confl

Transcript preview

Speaker 4 (0:00) Country singer and rapper Shaboosie wants us to remember our history accurately. The Speaker 6 (0:04) cowboy image, you know, we tend to think that was just a white man, you know, on a horse with a cowboy hat. But, you know, one in every four cowboys were Black. Speaker 4 (0:13) On the Sunday Story from Up First, Shaboosie talks about his latest album and the Black roots of country music. Listen to the Sunday Story in the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts. Speaker 6 (0:28) From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm the number one pick in your fantasy NPR draft, Alzo Slade. And here's your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Speaker 1 (0:44) Thank you, Alzo. Thank you, everybody. Great to be back with you. Great to see you. Thank you so much. Hey, but before we get started, Speaker 8 (0:54) we just want to pay tribute to the great Dolly Parton, who we lost this week, all week. Yeah, we feel Speaker 1 (1:02) the same. And as I'm sure you've seen, all week people have been coming forward with stories we didn't know about her Speaker 8 (1:09) incredible generosity. She gave to disaster relief. She started literacy campaigns. In fact, when you put on your winter coat for the first time in a month or so and find $20 in the pocket, turns out she put that there. Later on, we're going to be talking to magician Carissa Hendricks, better known as her alter ego, Lucy Darling. But right now, it's your turn to call in and play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, everyone. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Speaker 4 (1:39) Hello, Speaker 1 (1:40) Peter. My name is Francis, and I am from Troutdale, Oregon. Troutdale, Oregon? Yeah. We have people who presume to know Troutdale. I myself don't believe them. What do you do in Troutdale? Right now, I help take care of people that need help. Speaker 4 (2:03) Basically, as my manager describes it, I take a bunch of old men on bad dates just to make sure that they Speaker 1 (2:10) get out of the house. Oh, wow. So you pick up old men in their... Wait a minute. Hold on. All right. You pick them up in your car and you transport them, is what I'm trying to say. Well, welcome to the show, Francis. Let me introduce you to Speaker 8 (2:27) our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian whose album, Yell Joy, is available on Blonde Medicine. It's Joelle Nicole Johnson. Hello. Oh, hello. Speaker 8 (2:38) Next, an actor and writer who can be seen in the acclaimed improv show Two Square at UCB New York on September 23rd. It's Peter Gross. Hi. Hi, Peter. And her podcast is Handsome. And you can see her perform in Rochester, New York on August 29th and up in Calgary, Canada on August 30th. It's Tig Notaro. Speaker 8 (3:01) Hello, Tate. Speaker 7 (3:03) Hello, sir. Speaker 8 (3:04) So, Francis, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Alzo? This time, Alzo Slade is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from the show you might choose for your voicemail. Are you ready to go? I am ready. All right, here's your first quote. It's Canadian politician Doug Ford reacting to someone who put a 50 % tariff on everything his country exports. Speaker 1 (3:26) He can kiss my ass. Who started a trade war with Canada this week? I believe it's Donald Trump. Yes, Donald Trump. President Trump did that. Speaker 1 (3:42) After the U.S. launched massive tariffs Speaker 8 (3:45) against Canada last week, Canada fought back with massive tariffs of their own. It looks to be a prolonged fight. But it was a nice moment of diplomacy when Trump repeated all his dumb threats in French for the Quebecois community. Are you going to rally to the cause, guys, and get domestic maple syrup? Speaker 7 (4:03) If that's what it takes. Really? Speaker 8 (4:06) You're willing to make any Speaker 5 (4:07) sacrifice? Speaker 7 (4:08) Absolutely. It might Speaker 5 (4:09) be a nice time for bootlegging again, though. It'd be nice to see that come back. That was really fun during Prohibition. No offense to people in Vermont or other places where there's maple syrup. I'm just in it for the smuggling. I don't really care what I'm smuggling. Speaker 7 (4:22) You're going to get angry emails for sure. We've talked about those. Speaker 8 (4:25) We joke, but Americans are about to find out how much stuff is made in Canada when the price skyrockets. Cars, dishwashers, Speaker 1 (4:34) toilet paper. What? And that's bad because without toilet paper, my backup plan was the dishwasher. Speaker 5 (4:47) It's almost the NHL season, too. Are there, like, hockey players not allowed to come down to the United States? Terrible. They have to leave them at Speaker 1 (4:53) the border. I don't know. I mean, and it doesn't make any sense because Trump first Speaker 8 (4:57) said the tariffs were about Canada's discriminatory trade practices, and then it was about their unfair labor laws. Now he says it's about stopping Canada from getting a nuclear weapon. Speaker 3 (5:09) It's weird because I can't imagine maple syrup being any more expensive. Like, has anybody purchased fresh maple syrup? It costs as much as a car. It's true. What kind of car are you buying? Speaker 5 (5:22) She buys expensive syrup in cheap cars. Right in the middle. Speaker 1 (5:27) Now, Canada, as you heard, that was Doug Ford, the Premier of Ontario. And as you heard, they're being rather defiant. So Trump got mad. This week issued an executive order to rename Lake Ontario, Lake America. Oh, yeah. No, wait a minute. No, guys, to be honest, to be fair, Lake America sounds like a great place to get on your pontoon boat and drink about 50 beers. Speaker 1 (5:57) It also sounds like a place you go to die. Lake America. Speaker 3 (6:02) Yeah, because there's a lake. What's that lake, Alzo, in Georgia that everybody keep dying in? Lake America? It's Lake Lanier. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every year, a bunch of white people go to Lake Lanier. You never hear from them again. And black people keep telling y'all to stop going to Lake Lanier. So I'm not going to Lake Lanier or Lake America. Speaker 8 (6:24) I mean, it was a little bit of a low blow, and Canada decided to get back at us by calling that thing that poops all over your local park an America goose. Speaker 8 (6:36) All right, your next quote is Speaker 1 (6:37) a customer watching her Amazon package get delivered. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. She was watching as the package was dropped into a swimming pool by a what? Speaker 4 (6:50) I think I'm going to need a hint. Speaker 8 (6:52) Well, if it's dropped from a height, it has to be being delivered by something in the Speaker 1 (6:57) air. What would that be? Oh, a drone. A drone, yes. Amazon announced. Give it up for Francis. Speaker 1 (7:05) Amazon announced that Speaker 8 (7:07) it is expanding its drone aerial delivery service to 500 American cities. And America's new favorite pastime is watching videos of the drones completely screwing it up. They're dropping packages in pools, in ponds, in the middle of the street. So far, nobody has been hurt. But you can always order a bowling ball for your enemy and hope for the best. Speaker 5 (7:34) Yeah, what about all the delivery people who are people who usually deliver the packages? They're going to do what now? Just job-wise, what are they going to do now? Imagine, though, probably the way Speaker 8 (7:44) these things work is they Speaker 1 (7:45) have Speaker 8 (7:45) to follow the drones around and pick up the packages from the stream Speaker 1 (7:48) and Speaker 6 (7:48) the pool Speaker 1 (7:49) and the gutter. Speaker 6 (7:50) Well, you know somebody's going to jailbreak one of the drones, and it's like, yo, I got three drones. For sale. They're going to be going to the barbershop and the beauty shop. You want a drone? Is that an Amazon? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, this is a Damazon Speaker 1 (8:05) drone. Can you buy Speaker 7 (8:07) a drone from Amazon? Speaker 1 (8:09) That would be funny if a drone brought a drone. Speaker 7 (8:11) That's what I was just thinking. Speaker 1 (8:13) It would be impossible, I guess. Speaker 7 (8:14) Yeah. Why Speaker 1 (8:15) not? And then while it's flying, it's like saying to the other drone, this is so weird. Speaker 5 (8:21) All Speaker 1 (8:21) right, Francis, here is your last quote. It's good for the planet if I skip the salad. That Speaker 8 (8:27) was a commenter in the Washington Post talking about their opinion that what common food might not actually be good for us. Speaker 4 (8:35) Oh, I mean, first I Speaker 1 (8:37) want to go for lettuce. Yes, it's lettuce, yes. We've been talking about lettuce and why we shouldn't eat it, apparently. Speaker 8 (8:46) Even when it's not diseased, we shouldn't eat it. The Washington Post says it's time for us to stop eating lettuce because it's wasteful and actually has no nutritional value. Experts claim that most of the time, lettuce is just a delivery method for dressing. That's obviously not true. Sometimes there's bacon. Speaker 8 (9:05) And the nutritionist says the problem with lettuce is that it's mostly water. Meanwhile, Taylor Farms is like, yeah, water. That's the problem with lettuce. Speaker 5 (9:15) It's mostly water and the rest is poop. But a lot of things are mostly water. Celery is mostly water. Right. Like a cucumber is mostly water. Humans are mostly water. Speaker 1 (9:26) And I eat humans all the time. Speaker 5 (9:29) Is there going to be another way that people can ingest ranch dressing? Just chug it Speaker 8 (9:35) from the bottle, I guess. I mean, the nutritionist who's making this case says the solution is simple. Just swap lettuce, which has no nutritional value, for lentils. What? Lentils. Speaker 1 (9:47) It's not the same thing. Nobody wants a Speaker 5 (9:49) BLT where the L is Speaker 1 (9:50) a lentil. Was he just doing this Speaker 5 (9:52) alphabetically? Speaker 1 (9:53) Pretty much. Lentils apparently are good for you. Yeah. They have a lot of fiber, so Speaker 8 (9:57) you'll still spend an hour in the toilet, but for a good reason. Speaker 7 (10:00) High protein. Speaker 8 (10:01) High protein? Speaker 7 (10:02) Yeah. You Speaker 1 (10:02) like your lentils? Speaker 7 (10:03) I love my lentils. Speaker 1 (10:05) You're a vegan, right? Speaker 7 (10:07) I am, but I didn't want to announce it publicly. Speaker 1 (10:10) I like Speaker 7 (10:12) to choose when I corner people and tell them all about it. Speaker 6 (10:17) Also, how did Frances do on her quiz? Perfect score, three out of three. Well done, Speaker 1 (10:22) Frances. Thank you. Thanks for calling, and thanks for that good work you do. Speaker 8 (10:36) Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Joyelle, when Universal Studios in Southern California built a new state-of-the-art roller coaster, they promised all the people who live nearby that it was engineered to be nearly silent. And it is. But the neighbors say the park did not account for what specific noise? People screaming? Speaker 3 (10:58) Exactly Speaker 8 (10:58) right. The engineers who built the new Fast and Furious coaster at Universal Studios eliminated the clatter of the wheels and the whining of the motor, but they forgot about the... of Speaker 1 (11:15) the customers. So now every 30 seconds, neighbors say the air is filled with people screaming in terror. With no context. With no rollercoaster sound to make it make sense. And Universal Studios is getting nowhere with the sign they put up saying keep your hands inside the car and your emotions inside Speaker 8 (11:34) your body. Speaker 8 (11:37) They're going to need other solutions, like Speaker 1 (11:40) gag the passengers or every car comes equipped with a stern librarian. Now Speaker 5 (11:49) all I hear is shushing. This neighborhood sucks. First it was screaming, now it's shushing. Speaker 7 (11:57) That's even worse. Speaker 8 (12:03) Coming up, power corrupts, but power also needs a friend. In our Bluff the Listener game, call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Speaker 5 (12:14) This season on Planet Money Summer School, we have drilled for oil in Norway, we've smuggled products into North Korea, and now we make it to our seventh continent, Antarctica. Speaker 4 (12:25) That's right. Speak for me. Mr. Penguin, speak for me. Who is that? That's another sound Speaker 5 (12:28) of Antarctica. That's a reporter trying to interview a penguin. We'll explain on Planet Money Summer School. Listen on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts. Speaker 4 (12:38) Tanya? I think you did the best interview that I've done. Seriously. Oh, that's a great question. I think I'm going to think about that question for the rest of my life. Oh, good question. This is Tanya