287: Nail Biting Updates Ft. Taylor Tomlinson

Two Hot Takes

Comedian Taylor Tomlinson joins Morgan on 'Two Hot Takes' for a gripping episode packed with nail-biting Reddit story updates. From a boyfri

Key takeaways

• Closure is rare in real life, but this episode proves it's possible—and deeply rewarding when it arrives.
• Writing a memoir requires emotional courage and a shift from comedic brevity to vulnerable depth.

Main topics

• Reddit story updates
• Emotional closure in relationships

Notable quotes

"You're supposed to expand on all of this." – Taylor Tomlinson on writing prose versus jokes.

Conclusion

This episode delivers emotional payoff through satisfying updates and

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) We're rolling right now. We're rolling right now? Great. Speaker 2 (0:02) Every time I do this podcast, I always want to start a podcast. I'm like, this is how it's done. It's cozy. It's cool. I swear to God. It's like when you go to other podcasts, it's a whole thing. It's kind of scary. It's really scary. It's like a whole TV show. And you're like, well, I could never do this. I don't have time. And then I come to yours and it's like, I feel like I'd have to learn a lot more. About technology, though. I think you're pretty knowledgeable about how everything works and I don't have that. But I Speaker 1 (0:29) started from nothing. Really? Speaker 2 (0:30) I Speaker 1 (0:31) went healthcare and then like couldn't get a job. So started this thing. I was like recording on an iPhone 8. Really? Make it till you make it, girl. Okay. Speaker 2 (0:38) See, that's helpful. You can do it. Speaker 1 (0:39) You wrote a whole damn book. That's true. And I do feel great about that. Speaker 2 (0:44) The hardest thing about writing a book is you are so proud of yourself for writing it Speaker 1 (0:49) that Speaker 2 (0:50) it actually makes it difficult to... quality control it because you're just so like well done you for even doing it little pat it might be garbage but it's done isn't it and most people can't even write that much garbage i Speaker 1 (1:06) i'm not really Speaker 2 (1:07) promoting this no Speaker 1 (1:08) no but i will so actually never mind taylor's book comes out september 22nd i read your intro because i just got it like sent over to me oh good and i read your intro and i was like i was trying to explain how even good your writing is because it's like you're so profound but then like I'm on the brink of tears because you say this profound thing and then like you crack a joke at the end and I'm like okay I'm literally laughing out loud and I'm like that's just the intro that's Speaker 2 (1:36) so nice of you to say because I am terrified because like everyone's like well you can write you're a comedian you're always writing I'm like yeah but I'm writing jokes it's a totally different type of writing you know like the the analogy I keep using is like Yeah, being really good at writing jokes is not the same as like being really good at writing prose. Like it's the difference of like, oh, yeah, I make amazing smoothies. That doesn't mean I can roast a chicken. Speaker 1 (2:03) You know, it's just it's an entirely different thing. Like I suppose they're all food, but it's Speaker 2 (2:08) just it's completely different skill sets. And like to go from trying to write every idea I have and everything I want to communicate and every joke I have in like the shortest possible way, which is what jokes are, is like. saying things in the most concise way possible to then writing about all of those subjects long form and getting my head wrapped around that of like, no, yeah, you're supposed to, you're supposed to expand on all of this. Speaker 1 (2:38) Like Speaker 2 (2:39) you're, I'm great at editing. It was the getting it all out was the hardest part. But then once they were like, yeah, let's cut some stuff. I'm like, easy. I was going to say, Speaker 1 (2:49) did you feel like you were able to expand on things a lot more? Speaker 2 (2:52) Yes, definitely. Because like Speaker 1 (2:53) a joke, obviously, it's, you know, it's got to be quick. It's got to be punchy. Otherwise you lose people. This, similar. You don't want to lose people, but you have more room. Speaker 2 (3:02) Yeah, absolutely. I mean, the book's like, I think the book's witty. It's not like hilarious. No, I mean, you're Speaker 1 (3:10) also touching on like looking at your chapter titles, like you're touching on some big stuff. Speaker 2 (3:14) Yeah, it's like a much more. Speaker 2 (3:18) honest account of a lot of things that I've talked about in my standup. When you're doing a standup joke about something, it's not, it's not going to be all the details and it's not going to be how you really feel. Like your feelings are kind of wedged in between the jokes. It's almost like read between the lines and you know how I feel to the point where sometimes I talk about things on stage and I go, Ooh, I'm making this sound like I'm over it. Or I'm really making light of this really painful thing that happened to me. And I'm proud of that ability, but yeah, to. to fully explain experiences I've had in like their totality in the book was like, I mean, very scary and cathartic and interesting. And, and so many, it brought up so much for me. Like I cried a lot writing the book. A lot from just like Speaker 1 (4:03) deadline. But you're also processing a lot too. And like, I think I said to you the last time you were here, I was like, God, you're giving like healed. Like you're, you. are just so therapized. And that's like literally one of your chapters too. But I... I know last time I came here, I don't Speaker 2 (4:22) know what was going on. Why? But I was really like looking for the best in people on Speaker 1 (4:26) Reddit, Speaker 2 (4:27) which was crazy. I'm not in that headspace today. Not today? Today, I think everyone's up to something. Okay. And I... Because last time I felt so silly. Just believing. Well, maybe there was that one with the photos in the box. Yeah. And I thought, oh, well, maybe he's taking a photography class. Who the fuck am I? Maybe he's taking a photography class and keeping it a secret. What? What man who's ever hidden photos? It was revealed it was just a creative project. Like, I literally don't know what I was thinking that day. I must have been. You were Speaker 1 (5:02) hopeful. I was really hopeful that day. You Speaker 2 (5:05) were so Speaker 1 (5:05) hopeful. Like glass. way more than half full like 75 for sure oh my god two full glasses yeah in each hand now i'm like Speaker 2 (5:13) i really i don't know i don't even know what we're gonna talk about and i'm already like i don't know about that well Speaker 1 (5:18) i think you are really gonna enjoy today's vibe today's theme because there was a moment last time and i think i gave you an update you know kind of off the bat and then you might have gotten a little greedy because then a story came without an update you were like there's no update Speaker 2 (5:34) So many of them did not have updates. You were like, Speaker 1 (5:36) I don't want to be here anymore. Whatever you said, it was so funny. I left very different. I left exhausted. No. Speaker 2 (5:45) Exhausted and confused. Speaker 1 (5:47) But that's how my listeners feel. They're like, Morgan, more updates, more updates. Like, why are you doing this to us? Why are you even picking stories that don't have updates? Well, Speaker 2 (5:54) here's what I like about this podcast. It trains you to be okay to living without closure. And I think that's a really important part of being alive is just accepting you will not have closure in most things. Speaker 1 (6:06) Today you are going to get a lot of closure. Every single story has an update. Speaker 2 (6:10) Really? Yeah. Speaker 1 (6:11) Oh Speaker 2 (6:11) my God. what I said thank God okay great closure's the best every Speaker 1 (6:17) single one has an update will there be closure at the end of that update though okay Speaker 2 (6:22) you'll Speaker 1 (6:23) see okay you'll decide oh my god Speaker 2 (6:25) I felt just I can feel the familiar twist in my gut of anxiety oh Speaker 1 (6:32) it's gonna be so Speaker 2 (6:32) good the lack of information is already stressing me out I know I'm not gonna get all the answers I need But I'm ready. I'm okay. I can do it. Speaker 1 (6:42) Okay. Just deep breath. Deep breath. Speaker 2 (6:44) In through Speaker 1 (6:44) your nose, out through your mouth. It's okay. Okay. You got it. Let's dive in. Speaker 1 (7:24) Okay, this first one. Coming from AITA Relationships, titled, Would I be the asshole if I broke up with my boyfriend because his friends got him a me-shaped pinata? Speaker 2 (7:37) Is it stupid that my first question is for his birthday or for no reason? Speaker 1 (7:43) I, 22 female, and my boyfriend, Matt, 22 male, have been together for a year and eight months. Matt and I go to different universities in neighboring cities. about a 45-minute drive from each other. Matt is in a fraternity, important for later. It was Matt's birthday on Friday, and him and I went out to dinner to celebrate. After dinner, I went back to my university since I live on campus. The next evening, I was on Instagram, and I clicked on one of our mutual friends' private stories, and I saw Matt and a bunch of his friends hitting and stomping on a pinata. By clicking through more of the stories, I figured that it must have been a surprise party for Matt since he had told me his only birthday plans were dinner with me. On the last slide of the Instagram story, I got a close-up of the pinata, and it looked exactly like me. From the hair color to the skin color, even down to my septum piercing. Speaker 2 (8:43) Okay. There Speaker 1 (8:44) was no doubt that it was me. I was really confused and I screen recorded the stories and then I sent a message to the friend who posted the story. I asked her if it was me as the piñata and she left me on read and then removed me from her close friend's story. This just confirmed my suspicions. The next day, I texted him, and I asked how his party went, and he acted confused and said that he never had a party. I was confused as to why he was lying to me. I told him I saw it on mutual friend's private story, and then he completely stopped answering. An hour later, he answered and said, quote, yeah, the guys threw me a surprise party. It's frat tradition not to talk about it, though. That's when I asked him about the me-shaped pinata, and I sent him the video of him and his friends destroying it. He told me that it was not me, it was just a random pinata the guys had found. I told him to stop lying to me. It was obviously me. I told him how hurt I was that he would allow his friends to do something like that, and all he could answer was that they would kick him out of the frat if he didn't accept it. I also brought up if his frat had thrown him a surprise party. Why wasn't I invited? I was only 45 minutes away. I knew it wasn't because it was only guys, because the mutual friend who had posted on the story was a girl who goes to his university. And I saw in the story there were multiple girls there. He stopped answering me and hasn't responded since. It's been a day with no contact. I'm honestly considering breaking up with him over this. I've caught him in lies before, but this is just too much. The video of him and his friends stomping the pinata was just so disturbing, and to find out that my face was on it? We were planning on moving in together after graduation, but honestly, I don't know anymore. Speaker 2 (10:41) You're considering breaking up with him? Speaker 1 (10:44) Considering? Would I be the asshole if I broke up with him over this? Girl, are Speaker 2 (10:50) you serious? Would I be the asshole being a woman as hell? This is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. Even if that pinata wasn't her, a pinata of any woman is not okay. Pinatas should only be things that don't exist, like dragons and shit. I appreciate that. Yes, that's crazy. For him to be like, it's just some random girl pinata is just as bad. Also, if this were me, I would not be on Reddit going, am I an asshole if I broke up with him? I'd be setting that frat house on fire. This is the craziest story I've ever heard in my life. She's being too cool about it. I would completely agree. I'm Speaker 1 (11:27) so upset. I really appreciate that take, though, with pinatas should only be fake because it is kind of crazy to beat the shit out of this thing that is potentially real or a character that's, I don't know. It's just weird. Like, I've had a pinata that I thought was so cute, I felt bad hitting it. Speaker 2 (11:45) That's what I'm saying. Speaker 1 (11:46) Like, and then this is looking like your girlfriend. Yes. And you're stomping on it. Also, where did you go that Speaker 2 (11:55) makes pinatas that look like a photo of your girlfriend? You bring in a photo of your girlfriend and you say, can you turn this into a pinata? And someone goes, right away, sir. Speaker 1 (12:06) So they do do it. They do? They do do it on Etsy. There are a bunch of accounts that will make custom pinatas. Etsy's supposed to be a safe space. $200 for a custom pinata. Oh, for Speaker 2 (12:18) celebrities, I do get that. Speaker 1 (12:19) Yeah. Speaker 2 (12:20) You know, some celebrities deserve to be pinatas. Yeah. Speaker 1 (12:23) I mean, that kind of looks like Guy Fieri. Flavortown. I Speaker 2 (12:26) cannot tell. That's not well made. A lot of them are just printed photos. A lot Speaker 1 (12:32) of them, like that little, like the little girl. What? They made? little Speaker 2 (12:37) girl I guess if it's you and it's your party that's okay but that feels like something that you would maybe think was funny and then once some people were hitting the pinata version of you you might actually feel bad like I feel that way sometimes when I post old pictures of me as a little kid and then people comment on it and they go like, oh, I see why you're funny now. You weren't that cute. And it's, here's the thing. It's okay when I say it. Well, it's okay when I say it. Maybe it's in the caption. But then when other people say it, I'm like, I actually don't like that. I actually don't like that other people are doing it. You, Speaker 1 (13:11) I can say that about me, but you can't. That's what I Speaker 2 (13:13) mean. But it's, but in the moment, it feels like your idea to be like, yeah, everyone hit me. And then when they're doing it, you're like, I don't like this. This feels Speaker 1 (13:21) weird. Like, Becky, why are you hitting me so hard? Yes. Like, do Speaker 2 (13:26) you Speaker 1 (13:26) hate me? Yeah. I wouldn't be okay with this. And to be clear, like, these are all custom pinatas. There's no pinatas on any website that are just blank with septum piercing. Like, these all are custom. This took time. I don't know if you've ever had to make something custom on Etsy. The Speaker 2 (13:44) septum piercing, I mean, she was like, it looks like me, like my piercings on it. And I was like, yeah, that's you. Speaker 1 (13:50) Because if Speaker 2 (13:50) it was just like, Oh, they have brown hair. They could be like, oh, it's your celebrity lookalike, but like a specific. Like it has my septum piercing and the tattoo of my grandma's birthday. Like he's like, ah, it's just a random Speaker 1 (14:05) one. We just found that. Well, and the way he keeps lying. You keep lying. You keep doubling down. I've Speaker 2 (14:11) caught him Speaker 1 (14:11) in Speaker 2 (14:11) lies before, but this really feels like the last. I'm like, you have. photos to prove it and he's still lying to you. Yeah. No one should be dating a 22 year old man in a frat. That's just not a thing that should be happening. Those men should be single. Speaker 1 (14:24) Well and he's like I'd get kicked out of my frat if I didn't kick the shit out of a pinata that looked like you. Are those people you want to be friends with? Is that who you want to be around? Also what have you been telling them about me? Where if they throw a surprise party for you they get you a pinata that looks like me. What are you telling them? Speaker 2 (14:44) That would be my first thought, too. Speaker 1 (14:46) I'm scared. Yeah. Speaker 2 (14:48) But also, you know what? Sometimes guys are just like, it's your girlfriend. Of course you hate her. So, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you've said or haven't said. Speaker 1 (14:57) Yeah. You got this pin in your yada. You hit it. You lied. You lied again. I hate him. Yeah. Everyone is on board. You Speaker 2 (15:05) said 22 frat and I said breakup. Speaker 1 (15:08) Immediately no. I said Speaker 2 (15:09) immediately no. And Speaker 1 (15:11) the comments do too. Why would you stay with him? He's lied to you before and is lying now. You're so young. Go live a wonderful life without somebody who doesn't seem to value you. Next comment. Oh, fuck no. Dump him. If his friends have a tradition of beating and stomping on effigies of their girlfriends, then the whole group is garbage. Plus he lied and he's lied before. Ma'am, your man is a woman-hating loser. Trust me, there are better men out there. Speaker 2 (15:42) Yep. Go to the library, babe. Yeah. Stop looking at the frats. Speaker 1 (15:46) Bye-bye. Bye-bye, boy. I mean, so many people are like, why even bother talking to him? Just ghost him. Speaker 2 (15:51) Literally just ghost him. He's kind Speaker 1 (15:53) of ghosting you right now. Yeah. Is there an update to this one? Uno reverse. Of course there is. It better be Speaker 2 (15:58) she broke up with him. Of course there is. If Speaker 1 (16:00) it's Speaker 2 (16:00) not, I will crash my car on the way home. Are you kidding me? No, sorry. Read it. Read it. Sorry. Speaker 1 (16:07) Hi, everyone. Thank you for all the comments and messages. I've read each and every one of them, and I'm truly grateful for all the advice. Oh, no. Update. So Matt texted me back after a full day of incognito. He finally admitted that, yes, the pinata was supposed to be me. He said it was just a joke and it was meant to be funny. I told him how disrespectful and disturbing that was. I ended up breaking up with him. And Speaker 2 (16:30) I Speaker 1 (16:31) told him I wasn't going to stay with a man child who was going to disrespect me for the fun of him and his friends. He completely lost it and begged me to stay. He was apologizing and saying he didn't want to lose me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. After I made it clear I wasn't going to take him back, he literally sent me a video of him. making out with that mutual friend. I don't even know what the point of that was. Speaker 2 (17:02) I Speaker 1 (17:03) feel sick to my Speaker 2 (17:03) stomach. Do you ever read something and you're like, am I in college? That's the worst story I've ever heard. Are you having war flashbacks? I feel sweaty. I want to cry. That makes me so upset. Speaker 2 (17:19) That's crazy. Speaker 1 (17:22) What? OP does go on to say, maybe it was just a final F you, but I honestly couldn't care at this point. I now realized how immature he was. So I just blocked him. This Speaker 2 (17:33) didn't even happen to me and I feel nauseous. I don't even know what they look like. I can't even picture them, but Speaker 1 (17:40) I feel like I can see them, you know? Speaker 1 (17:44) So, yeah, most of you were right. He was cheating on me. At least she left. Thank God. I know. I know. And, like, just goes on to say he's a jerk. He's an immature man child. Yes, I'm going to be sending the video to the university, though I doubt they'll do anything. But, yeah, this is the update. What would the university do Speaker 2 (18:02) with that? Speaker 1 (18:03) I don't know. They could reprimand the frat. Oh, of the pinata. I thought she Speaker 2 (18:08) meant of him making out with that girl. And I was like. Speaker 1 (18:12) I Speaker 2 (18:12) think they were both of age. Like, I didn't, I was confused for a second. No, yeah, send the pinata picture for sure. Which, Speaker 1 (18:18) that is very disturbing. Yes. Watching a group of frat guys. Speaker 2 (18:23) Do anything, really, but. Speaker 1 (18:25) But that, like, just like, the visual of, like, beating a woman pinata, stomping on it, like, it's disturbing. It's not your Speaker 2 (18:34) bachelor party where that would be fine. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. Speaker 1 (18:38) You Speaker 2 (18:39) thought I was kidding. Seriously. Just off the rails. No, no. I'm like, no. And if he had proposed, like, of course, hit the pinata. But this is just a casual relationship. Speaker 1 (18:47) I know. Do people do pinatas for bachelor? I've never heard of this in my life. No, usually it's like pin the tail on the hunk or like, have you seen those? I Speaker 2 (18:55) don't know. Speaker 1 (18:57) Oh, yeah, yeah. Or penis. Penis stars too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Speaker 2 (19:00) Yeah. No, I've never heard of this getting a pinata that looks like someone you know type of thing. Speaker 1 (19:05) I'm like, I'm shocked there was like multiple Etsy listings. Like this is a big business. I thought Speaker 2 (19:09) you could get a pinata of like three things. I thought it was like Garfield, Dora the Explorer. Bluey. Bluey, yeah. That's what I thought you could pick from. I didn't know there was more than that. I Speaker 1 (19:19) kind of want to get you one now just so like not for you to break, but like just to have. Just to take care of. Because you would take care of pinata you. Speaker 2 (19:27) Yeah. There's a little door on the back to take the candy out. Yeah. Speaker 1 (19:32) I know. Where do they place the doors? Because a lot of times it would probably be the crotch, which could be in a... Is it? It's usually like a crotch. It's usually in the crotch? It's Speaker 2 (19:40) like on Speaker 1 (19:40) the bottom. Speaker 2 (19:40) How many Speaker 1 (19:40) piñatas have you smashed? Not many, but the unicorn, it's like kind of like underneath. Oh, yeah. I feel like it's always a unicorn. Always a unicorn. See, a Speaker 2 (19:47) unicorn you could hit and feel no guilt about. Speaker 1 (19:50) I still felt bad. Really? I'm an empath. Oh, we Speaker 2 (19:52) don't... Speaker 2 (19:56) Empaths can't be anywhere near a pinata. Speaker 1 (19:58) No, wait. I did tear up a little. Oh. Was that cute, huh? Yeah, that and, like, some little five-year-old stole my Twix. Yeah. Like, it was devastating. Speaker 1 (20:09) Okay, let's get you on to this next one. Maybe it'll be better. Speaker 2 (20:14) Maybe. I don't think so, though. Speaker 1 (20:16) So this is titled, Me, 25 Female, With My Boyfriend, 26 Male, of 6 Months. I'm about to break up with him over a backpack, but I need to know if I'm overreacting. Speaker 2 (20:29) Okay. My Speaker 1 (20:31) boyfriend Jacob and I have been together for a year and a half now. We met through mutual friends about two years ago. Jacob is a very laid-back guy, and maybe, since I have a lot of anxiety, that attracted me to him. The past six months have been fun and without incident until now. I thought Jacob was a caring and thoughtful person, and I really saw a future with him. But now, I'm really reconsidering. Background info. I have a backpack that is covered with patches. Before this happened, I had about 35 patches sewn onto it. This is a project that I started when I was 14, and I needed a backpack for high school. Over the years, I collected patches from all the shows, concerts, and plays I've gone to, when I studied abroad and visited new cities and museums, gifts from friends and family, etc. When I was 20, the bottom of my backpack ripped out, so I got a new one and carefully removed and reattached the patches. I don't carry a purse. I carry this backpack literally every day. What the Speaker 2 (21:32) fuck did he do? Speaker 1 (21:33) It might seem silly, but a lot of my personal history and favorite memories are tied, sewn, into this backpack. I would die for this backpack. On Wednesday, Jacob and I were hanging out at my place watching Netflix with two mutual friends. My apartment has a larger living room than his does, so we tend to hang out at my place. I had to go to work early Thursday morning, so I went to bed a little earlier and just told Jacob to lock up. before he came to bed. The next morning, I go about getting ready for work and go to put some things in my backpack. That's when I notice it's missing patches. Eleven, to be precise. I immediately woke Jacob up, basically panicking, asking what happened. He told me that he had invited three of his friends over after I'd gone to sleep. Apparently, they texted him because they were bar hopping nearby and he told them to come over. At some point, one of them saw my backpack sitting in the living room and said it was cool and they wanted one like it. And Jacob told them that they could have some of the patches if they wanted. So they cut, they cut 11 patches off of my bag. I was livid. I still am. I can't really describe how betrayed I feel. A few of my patches were gifts from my father who passed away last year. He always loved helping me find new patches and bought me three limited release patches that are now very expensive and difficult to find. Those are all gone. I had one patch that my dad bought in 1994 and let me have. It's gone as well. Speaker 2 (23:08) Wait, does he know these people, these friends? He can get them back from these friends? Speaker 1 (23:13) I don't know why I'm about to cry with this fucking story. This is the worst thing I've Speaker