The Practice of Freedom with Oneika Mays
Tricycle Talks - Tricycle: The Buddhist Review
In this episode of Tricycle Talks, Onika Mays, former mindfulness coach at Rikers Island and author of 'Sit With Me,' shares her transformative journey from corporate retail to teaching
Key takeaways
- Loving-kindness (metta) practice is not about excusing harm but releasing the emotional burden tied to it, enabling true freedom and healing.
Main topics
- Loving-kindness (metta) meditation
- Trauma-informed mindfulness in prison settings
Notable quotes
"It's not letting people off the hook, I think. I think it's letting go of the energy around whatever happened, which is really stepping into freedom."
Conclusion
Onika Mays' journey from personal struggle to becoming a transformative mindfulness guide at Rikers Island reveals
Transcript preview
Speaker 5 (0:04) It's not letting people off the hook, I think. I think it's letting go of the energy around whatever happened, which is really stepping into freedom. Because we're not trapped by what someone did. We're not trapped by the story. We're not trapped by the energy around that. And it gives us a chance to... to relax and to open up into this idea of healing, which is so important. And these were some of the wonderful conversations that I had with folks at Rikers. I spent most of my time at Rikers in the women's facility where so much harm had happened to so many of the women that I talked to and the stories that they were holding onto and the conversations that they could end up having with themselves about realizing it's not letting people off the hook, but it's about being able to be whole. and to step into healing. And it's freedom. It's really, it's about liberation when we let that go. Speaker 1 (1:01) Hello, I'm James Shaheen, and this is Life As It Is. I'm here with my co-host, Sharon Salzberg, and you just heard Onika Mays. Onika is a yoga and meditation teacher and former mindfulness coach at Rikers Island Correctional Facility, where she taught for more than a decade. In her new book, Sit With Me, A No BS Journey to Mindfulness and Meditation, she draws from her experience at Rikers to lay out a clear and accessible guide to metta. or loving-kindness practice. In our conversation with Onika, we talk about how she came to be Rikers Island's first meditation coach, how metta can be a practice of internal freedom, even when external freedom is not a possibility, what she's learned from bell hooks about love, and how we can remain whole in a world that breaks us apart. Plus, Onika leads us in a guided meditation. So here's my conversation with Onika Mays. Speaker 1 (2:00) Okay, so I'm here with Onika Mays and my co-host Sharon Salzberg. Hi, Onika. Hi, Sharon. It's great to be with you both. Speaker 5 (2:07) I'm so happy to be here with both of you. And Sharon, again, nice to chat with you. This is Speaker 2 (2:12) so great. Speaker 1 (2:14) So, Anika, we're here to talk about your new book, Sit With Me, A No BS Journey to Mindfulness and Meditation. I especially like the no BS part. So to start, can you tell us a bit about the book and what inspired you to write it? Speaker 5 (2:27) Yeah, thanks so much. The book was, I think, a long time in the making for a bunch of different reasons. I used to volunteer at Rikers for a while. So the book itself is, I think, like a field guide to meta and bits of mindfulness. And it also describes my experiences working at Rikers Highland as the Jail's First Mindfulness Coach. And I worked there full time for about five years. I volunteered there for over six years. And when I was volunteering, I used to write these posts, these Instagram posts about what the class was like and what it was like to teach trauma-informed mindfulness and yoga inside. And so many people are like, you've got to put these things together in a book. And I said, yeah, yeah, sure. And then a friend of mine said, you know, you were this person who worked in corporate retail for like 20 years, and now you're a meditation and yoga teacher. And you've got to tell that story. So I put the two things together and you've got sit with me. Speaker 1 (3:28) Okay. So to back up a little bit here, how did you come to meditation and what led you to Rikers Island? Speaker 5 (3:35) I came to meditation because my life kind of fell apart. And I had practiced yoga for a little while, just like a smidge in the late 90s. I was introduced to it through a friend, even though my parents had practiced for years when, you know, they were doing yoga on PBS. But I wasn't really into the practice then. And then when I found the practice in the 90s, it like cracked me open. And it's like I was meeting myself. I like to say that yoga found me. And I appreciated the physical part of the practice. And I felt like this huge dopamine rush going to all of these classes. My introduction was hot yoga. And, you know, a lot of people who practice hot yoga talk about like how juicy you feel. But I was starting to chase that high and I got injured because I was just practicing class after class. So I wanted to stay engaged with a practice. So I started to sit more. And I was like, oh, this is what it's all about. It's about being with myself. And I think that's when I really dove first into mindfulness. And I studied mindfulness. And then I did a really wonderful course on MBSR with Emily Hersland at the Interdependence Project. And that got me really into a lot of the teachers there. And I studied more. And then I discovered Metta, which completely changed my life. Speaker 1 (4:54) There's someone else here who discovered Metta. Speaker 5 (4:56) That's Speaker 2 (4:57) what Speaker 5 (4:57) I discovered Sharon too. I discovered Sharon and I discovered Metta. My teacher, Kim Brown, is a student of Sharon's. And it was just, it made me realize that I was okay. And, you know, in this world that it was okay to be who I was and love the parts of myself that I didn't even like so much. And I just engaged with my life just so differently after that. And it was really like a revelation to be like, oh, you know what? I'm not as terrible as I've Speaker 4 (5:30) spent all of this time thinking. Speaker 5 (5:32) And I was already studying a lot of yoga. I was also, you know, became a massage therapist because, you know, you can't pay your rent just being a yoga teacher. Speaker 5 (5:41) I started volunteering at Rikers Island. I had a conversation with my cousin. My grandfather was an activist and my grandmother was politically active and my parents were too. So in a conversation after I started teaching yoga, she's like, why aren't you teaching in jail? And I was like, I don't know. I don't know why I'm not teaching in jail. So I went to Google and found a wonderful nonprofit. And that was my introduction. And the first time I walked into Rikers, I just. I had never appreciated what a calling was until I went there for the first time. And I walked inside the women's jail. It's called the Rosem Singer Center. A lot of people call it Rosie's for short. And I remember just thinking like, I'm supposed to be here for myself as much as, you know, to teach. Speaker 2 (6:25) It's beautiful. Yeah. Just in case anybody doesn't know the word meta with two T's, M-E-T-T-A means loving kindness. And we're going to. go much more into that in a minute. So you begin the book with a question, how do we remain whole in a world that too often breaks us apart? So I wonder if you can say a little bit more about that question and how it's guided you. Speaker 5 (6:50) You know, I grew up in predominantly white spaces and being black in those spaces, I felt like I was always on the edge of something. And I wasn't ostracized. You know, I think when I talk about like feeling on the edges, it gives this idea that maybe I was actually on the edge of things. And I wasn't. I had like a really full life and lots of friends. But I grew up with like lots of little microaggressions and some overt racism. And that and navigating my sexuality and being queer, I kind of felt like I didn't fit in. And lots of ways externally society told me I didn't fit in. And so I found myself trying to manipulate and change myself to be in different spaces. So I felt comfortable not realizing that that comfort was going to come from inside me and that comfort was going to come. That safety, I think I was always reaching for. was what I wanted to find inside myself. And I ultimately found when I discovered a loving kindness practice. I think mindfulness and things like therapy, like saved my life in a lot of ways, because I struggled with mental illness for a little while. But when I discovered loving kindness, like I started to really enjoy my life instead, instead of just feeling like I was trying to survive day to day. Speaker 2 (8:09) So let's talk some more about metta or loving kindness. And as many people know, I've often with what the translation should be. And sometimes I had a big wish that the word metta, M-E-T-T-A, would enter the culture, but it hasn't quite. So loving kindness is the common conventional kind of translation. And I sometimes say like connection, just feeling connected to oneself. others rather than disconnected. So that's been something, as you know, that's been so central to my own life and teaching and practice. And I'm wondering how you first began doing that practice or expressing that practice as you worked on Rikers Island and how was it received? Speaker 5 (9:00) I was Speaker 2 (9:01) reluctant Speaker 5 (9:01) to actually teach metta at Rikers. And my struggle was around the difficult person. I felt like if I was going to bring in this idea of a difficult person to people, would that be like triggering for them? And I realized as I was thinking about it, like, why don't I want to do this? What's my reluctance? That I was kind of being my own difficult person and being afraid that I'd be rejected if people got upset with the difficult person and realizing that connection that you mentioned. isn't just about being liked. It's this idea that I can feel whole in a space and present something. And if people embraced it, they embrace it. And if they didn't, that wasn't about me. And that was, I think, a really important shift in how I started to teach. So I just started to bring the practice in first when I was volunteering. And then it became central to how I maintained my own. sanity inside Rikers, but also working with folks one-on-one when I was there. And people, a lot of people loved it. I mean, truly loved it. You know, there were people who said that they felt like, especially moms, that it was a way to mother from afar. Moms who were incarcerated and away from their kids and feeling so helpless, like they couldn't do the things that they were used to doing. And being able to do a loving kindness practice and then even embody that, knowing that they were sending love to their loved ones, sending love to themselves over difficult situations was really powerful. And I'm glad that I got over myself. Speaker 2 (10:45) Well, they do say that the Buddha taught loving kindness is the antidote to fear. So that's an interesting reflection as well. And metta, as you know, is the first of the four Brahma Viharas or divine abidings is one translation of that. And you link this idea of where we can find a sense of home and safety. So can you talk about metta as a home or a dwelling place and abiding? Speaker 5 (11:11) Yeah. I mentioned before how I used to feel disconnected growing up. And I appreciated when I started to practice metta, that the safe place that I was looking for was me. And when I was at Rikers, you know, there's a lot of teachers, you know, especially like in the yoga world who talk about creating like a safe space, especially when trauma-informed practices became really popular. And I realized that there aren't really any safe places, even when you're with people who you think are supposed to be safe. But the safety that I was seeking, I think the safety that we seek is inside ourselves. And that comes with learning how to love ourselves. And that home can be located again and again when we remember our own connection to our own hearts. And it carried me through, I think, being in a place like Rikers. And Rikers became... a home in some ways for me to sit with that and to sit with myself. Speaker 2 (12:08) So you use the framework of metta as a form of welcoming, welcoming difficult parts of body, heart, and mind home and making space for it all. And when you say Rikers became a kind of home, I think the environment, I've never been there, but I've been to other prisons teaching and it's not a great feeling, you know, in terms of an environment. And can you talk about Meta as an act of welcoming or hospitality. Rikers is Speaker 5 (12:37) truly one of the saddest places I've ever been. I think it is really like a hell realm. And when I was there, there's so much you have to give up. even as someone who's working there. Like you give up your own sense of safety and freedom once you walk inside because you are there all day and anything can happen. And that's something that you just have to start to accept. And then you're working with people that you wouldn't necessarily break bread with. Speaker 2 (13:10) Yeah. Speaker 5 (13:11) I say that gently. Day to day, from staff to people that you're working with who are incarcerated. And it's not about liking anyone. And I think that's what Meta did for me, realizing I didn't have to like people in order to love them. I didn't have to like that place. And there was a battle that I went through, particularly working there full time. It was one thing to go in as a volunteer, like once a week or twice a week and be there for a few hours and then leave. You're there, you engage with it, and then you go home. But when you're there eight hours a day, five days a week, the relationship changes and you have to settle in. You have to become a part of the environment, which ultimately also made me leave. But in order to be there, you have to engage with it. And you can only do that. I could only do that. Let me say that. I could only do that with love and with connection because I would only cause so much grief for myself if. I found myself constantly battling against it or constantly listing all of the reasons that it was terrible. Speaker 1 (14:18) Anika, you point out that there's a tendency to make meta harder than it is. For instance, you thought you had to like everybody. I found that, you know, I liked a lot more people when I did the practice, but still there was that pressure. Sharon kind of pushed me into a meta-retreat once, but I won't go into that now. Oh no, it's Speaker 2 (14:39) the best story in the world. Speaker 1 (14:41) I was feeling a deep resentment towards somebody and I vented and Sharon responded with the dates of her meditation retreat, but no commentary. So that's how I ended up there. And