Todd McGuire: From Undercover Cop to Hope ,Suicide, PTSD, and Healing After Loss

Tony Mantor: Why Not Me ?

In this powerful episode of 'Why Not Me?', host Tony Mantor speaks with retired Australian Detective Sergeant Todd McGuire about his 27-year

Key takeaways

• Undercover work involves complete identity transformation and emotional detachment, which can exacerbate existing mental health struggles.
• Grief from losing a loved one to suicide can lead to deep psychological distress, including suicidal ideation and survivor's guilt.

Main topics

• Undercover policing and identity fragmentation
• Grief and suicide loss

Notable quotes

"I was essentially flipping the switch of suicide by a cop. I was trying to get myself killed on duty so it wouldn't look that bad."

Conclusion

Todd McGuire's story illustrates how even those in positions of authority and control are

Transcript preview

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Join me and an all-star cast of experts for everything you need to know from around the league. Get new episodes of the NFL Report Monday through Friday all season long. Listen to the NFL Report podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Speaker 4 (1:03) new NFL season is here and you should be listening to NFL Daily as we march along to Super Bowl 61. It is in the name NFL Daily. You'll have fresh content in your feed every day, all season long. That game winning drive. Maybe it's Herbert. Maybe it's Gino. Maybe it's Mahomes. We'll have the highlights. If Fernando Mendoza or any of the rookies are balling out, we'll break down the tape. Join me, Greg Rosenthal, and an all-star cast of co-hosts as we preview and recap every game. Listen to NFL Daily. on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Speaker 8 (1:37) I'm Brett Coleman. And I'm Trevor Sykema. If you love football and want to understand what's really happening on the field, check out our show, NFL Pro. Every week, we break down the biggest plays, trends, and matchups using exclusive next-gen stats insights and NFL content you will not find anywhere else. Speaker 1 (1:53) Whether you're new to football, a fantasy football fanatic, or a diehard fan, NFL Pro will help you analyze the game like a pro. Listen to NFL Pro on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Speaker 6 (2:10) Hey, it's Bobby Bones. Join me and former NFL quarterback Matt Castle every Wednesday on our podcast, Lots to Say, with me, Bobby Bones, and Matt Castle. You're in training camp, and the rookie quarterback has one good throwing session in front of the media. Suddenly, everybody online says he should start over you week one. How do you handle this? You just go back out to practice the next day and wait for him to mess up. Listen to Lots to Say with Bobby Bones and Matt Castle on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Speaker 3 (2:40) What if everything you thought you knew about autism and mental health wasn't the full story? Today's conversation might change the way you see it. Welcome to Why Not Me? Embracing Autism and Mental Health Worldwide. Where real conversations and lived experiences inspire understanding and hope. I'm Tony Mantor. This is where understanding begins. If this kind of conversation matters to you, then follow the show. So you don't miss what comes next. Today I'm joined by retired Australian detective Sergeant Todd McGuire. For 27 years, he investigated serious and organized crime, including two years undercover living under a completely different identity. But behind the badge was a man quietly battling unimaginable grief after losing the woman he loved to suicide, a loss that nearly cost him his own life. In this powerful conversation, he shares how trauma led him down a dangerous path, why writing his book Donnie, an undercover cop with a death wish, became part of his healing, and why vulnerability, not silence, is the greatest strength any of us can have. Whether you're a first responder, someone grieving a loss, supported by a loved one, or simply looking for hope, this episode is one you won't want to miss. I know his openness is going to encourage and inspire so many people who are listening. Thanks for joining us today. Speaker 2 (4:12) Yeah, thank you for inviting me. It's great. Speaker 3 (4:14) For listeners meeting you for the first time, who is Todd McGuire and who is Donnie? Speaker 2 (4:20) Yeah, well, Todd McGuire. He's a 53-year-old retired detective sergeant. Did 27 years in the police and spent most of his time investigating serious and organised crime. I happily retired and I've just recently written a book called Donnie, an undercover cop with a death wish. So Donnie was my alter ego, my undercover pseudonym. that I used for two years in 2001 and 2002. And Donnie was a bit of a reckless unit. He was quite successful in bringing down some of the bigwigs because of his reckless behaviour. It's a bit of a sad story that the reason why he came to that was because only 12 months earlier, I was being tied, was living with a girl and we were establishing a wonderful life together. But unfortunately, she took a life on January the 1st in 2000. And myself and her four-year-old son from a previous marriage found her in the garage and that basically was the start of a bit of a, you know, spiral in my life. I certainly didn't handle grief and the trauma well. And what I did was, you know, because of the way that I saw my future after that is that within 12 months I decided I'm going to be an undercover cop. You know, I didn't realise I was doing it at the time, but I've assessed it now and I've sort of spoken about it and, you know, I was essentially flipping the switch of... suicide by a cop. I was essentially trying to get myself killed on duty so it wouldn't look that bad. And I'm just thankful that I got through it. Speaker 3 (5:45) As an undercover cop with a death wish, how personal and painful was this story to write? Speaker 2 (5:51) Yeah, it was very painful. But it was probably the best thing I've ever done in terms of, in terms of, you know, sitting down, talking to psychologists and doing different treatments and so forth. I found the writing part of it very cathartic. And what's made it even better now is the book. appears to be a bit of a conversation starter especially between blokes and you know i tell them about my book and i give them a copy or something and you know next thing you know they're you know they're pouring their heart out to me and talking about the troubles that they are either going through or have that is still causing them distress and i've found it um you know initially i wrote the book selfishly for myself to help help myself to get over things and Speaker 3 (6:28) what Speaker 2 (6:29) i've noticed now is that uh it's actually helping all these other people and it's just making me even feel better than what i ever thought it could Speaker 3 (6:36) Good. Now, when you look over the 27 years or so of policing, what would surprise most people about the undercover work that you did? Speaker 2 (6:44) Yeah, a lot of people have misconceptions about undercover work. A lot of people think that undercover are just, you know, detectives that wear normal clothes. But, you know, we as undercover, we basically had to change our whole identity, our whole look, Speaker 3 (6:59) move Speaker 2 (7:00) to a different city and live under another. you know, identity basically. And what Speaker 3 (7:05) I Speaker 2 (7:06) found the hardest, which is probably what most people would find hard to do, and it would be a misconception that they would have, is that you really have to befriend people and betray them. Speaker 3 (7:15) Right. Speaker 2 (7:16) It really is hard to do that. Speaker 3 (7:18) Yeah. Yeah. Now you mentioned that becoming undercover, you change your identity. Was there a point when Donnie stopped being a role and started becoming part of who you were? Speaker 2 (7:30) Yeah, I really lived it at that time. I really wanted to escape. I didn't want to deal with the problems that Todd had. Donnie didn't have any problems. Right. He was so reckless. He was actually fun to be around. Speaker 3 (7:40) So Speaker 2 (7:40) it was so much better being Donnie because he did everything illegal. He did everything fun, everything dangerous, everything stupid. Speaker 3 (7:48) Right. Speaker 2 (7:48) Which was fun at the time as a 26, 27-year-old. When I look back now as a 53-year-old, I can't, I shake my head and I can't believe I did what I did. Speaker 3 (7:56) Right. Speaker 2 (7:58) At least it tells good stories, doesn't it? Yeah. However, I sort of became Donnie and I became intrinsic into the criminal world and I basically lived and breathed it. And I didn't know how to come back to being a normal person or even a normal copper. It took me a long time to work out how to make that transition back. Speaker 3 (8:17) Yeah. Now, living a double life, I mean, that can be very emotional, you know. So how did you separate work from a real identity when... your life at that point depending upon convincing other people that you were Donnie. Speaker 2 (8:32) Yeah, I think it was, I think when I really analysed it, I wanted, I loved being Donnie so much that it just became easier for me to be Donnie and stay Donnie. Speaker 3 (8:44) Okay. Speaker 2 (8:45) Even when I sort of went back every couple of months, I'd go back and check in with the family and stuff like that. I'd still say, you know. People still call me Donnie, you know, like still got to have that recognition of I can't get used to being called Todd again, you know. Right. Yeah, it's got to be Donnie. Stick with it. Speaker 3 (9:00) When you look at the real life of what you live and then you see the movies and TV, how they create all these undercover people, what does that look like to you when it comes to actual real policing? Speaker 2 (9:12) Yeah, just in general, police shows are usually nothing. Nothing like the real world is and I suppose undercover cops are very, you know, that's very similar as well because, you know, the majority of police work is, you know, 95 % boredom, typing, paperwork. Right. And it's 5%, you know, enjoyment and, you know, high rush and all that sort of stuff. And I think that's where the movies focus on that 5%. Right. If they really did a full movie on full day of a cop. It would be, I don't think it would sell too many.