Ryan Has Been Banned From Touring

Toni and Ryan

The episode features hosts Toni and Ryan sharing personal anecdotes, beginning with Dr. Tony Lodge's recent experience with a medical pap sm

Key takeaways

• Dr. Tony Lodge describes the discomfort and invasive nature of using a medical speculum, which he refers to as a 'duck bill'.
• Ryan confesses to returning food scraps from the sink strainer back into his housemate's meal prep containers.

Main topics

• Medical procedures
• Kitchen hygiene confessions

Notable quotes

The duck is not currently quacking.

Conclusion

A humorous and irreverent exploration of the messy realities of health

Transcript preview

Speaker 4 (0:00) Contiki in Vietnam. Are we past that? There's age limit. Is Speaker 1 (0:03) there actually Speaker 4 (0:03) age limit? Yeah, it's 35. Speaker 3 (0:05) Okay, well, I'm fine then, Charles. Thank you very much. And Speaker 1 (0:08) I'll get a fake ID. Hi, I am Randy from Chico, California, USA. Speaker 2 (0:14) Hi, I'm Samantha from Lake Mundy, Australia. Hi, I'm Julia from New Jersey in the US. And I approve this podcast. Speaker 4 (0:35) Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. Captain of the ship. Vice Captain. I'm Vice Captain. Your Captain and Dr. Throat. Speaker 3 (0:46) Which we have rediscovered on LinkedIn. Have you sent Speaker 4 (0:49) that email? I Speaker 3 (0:50) have. I emailed Cynthia from Stemway. Yeah. Speaker 4 (0:53) And Speaker 3 (0:53) I said, we're in. What's the next stage? Like, what's the next thing that we need to do? Have not heard back. Speaker 4 (0:58) Okay, great. Speaker 3 (1:00) But as I am now large in the doctor community, not a fat joke, by the way, just that I am like a big deal in the doctor community, I've actually gotten some news from... Okay, sorry. Nah. Speaker 4 (1:10) Pause. You've just come out real hot for a Tuesday and I'm just going to need a moment to say... Speaker 3 (1:15) I love coming to work. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, Speaker 4 (1:17) so true. First of all, this company sent us a letter offering us medical equipment for our medical practice. Speaker 3 (1:24) Yeah. Dear Dr. Tony Lodge. Speaker 4 (1:26) Second of all, can you please discuss... Why it is that you are big in the doctor's world. Yes. Speaker 3 (1:32) Okay. So this is not only, this might be a combination of all our favorite areas. Me being a doctor. Yep. Medical comedy. Maybe. And also on a fucking Monday. Okay. Because last Monday I get a text from the Doctors Association of Australia or fucking whatever, as I am a board member saying, you need to get a pap smear. Speaker 4 (1:57) The board said that, didn't it? Speaker 3 (1:58) Yeah, they do. It's like a national registry. Right. Speaker 4 (2:01) So Speaker 3 (2:01) it's like every time you get a pap smear, they go, great, set up the reminder text for five years from now or two years from now, whatever it is. Great. Speaker 4 (2:09) Doesn't that get you a week off to a good start? On a Speaker 3 (2:11) fucking Monday, I get a text being like, girlfriend, you do need to have a pap smear. Speaker 4 (2:15) Yeah. Speaker 3 (2:16) I go, okay, I'll book in. I find this new doctor and she doesn't have an appointment for like three months. Or. She had an appointment yesterday. So not only did I get told I had to have a pap smear on a fucking Monday, yesterday I had a pap smear on a fucking Monday. Speaker 4 (2:38) Don't you traditionally. First Speaker 3 (2:40) of all, congratulations. Thank you. Speaker 4 (2:42) Traditionally, would that be something you would need a put off? Yeah, but like need five to six business days to like get your head around that this is how. Remember that time I got a wax on a whim? Speaker 3 (2:55) Yes, that was crazy. Yeah, so my wife Speaker 4 (2:57) had a waxing appointment. I went to cancel and they said, sorry, it's too late. And I said, well, how much did she pay? And they said 80 bucks. I'm like, well, what can I get? Speaker 3 (3:05) Yeah. And that thus was the beginning of your waxing journey. My beautiful Speaker 4 (3:09) back. My sexy, slippery, silky dolphin back. Speaker 3 (3:14) But Speaker 4 (3:15) I'm guessing, like if someone goes, you're getting a pap smear today, you're like, oh, hang on, I need. You need to Speaker 3 (3:19) mentally prepare for sure. It's very invasive. Sure. Like it's. Speaker 4 (3:23) The invasive. You know, Speaker 3 (3:25) like it's up your full clacker. Do you know what I mean? So, yeah. Speaker 4 (3:30) The medical industry. As a doctor. Yeah. Speaker 3 (3:32) You can listen to me. Okay. But so not only did I get told I had to have a pap smear on a Monday, on a fucking Monday, I had a pap smear the following fucking Monday. Speaker 4 (3:41) Thank Speaker 3 (3:41) you. I was really proud of Speaker 4 (3:43) myself. How do you Speaker 3 (3:43) feel? Invaded. Yeah. Yeah. Personally invaded. Yeah. No, and you should do it. Don't put it off. It's very important. Speaker 4 (3:51) Charles, what's one question? Because I've got one. Speaker 3 (3:54) Okay. Here we go. Well, Charles only found out what a pap smear was like two weeks ago. I told him in the car. Yeah, Speaker 4 (3:59) so I Speaker 3 (3:59) feel Speaker 4 (3:59) like what's a question that you want to ask but you wouldn't because. Speaker 3 (4:03) Oh, this is like an episode of the ABC show like you can't ask that. You absolutely can. Yeah. Ask me whatever you want. Is Speaker 1 (4:08) there Speaker 3 (4:08) something Speaker 4 (4:08) you're curious about? I did completely forget what the pap smear was even though you did explain to Speaker 3 (4:12) me. Scrapes. Yeah, Speaker 4 (4:14) that's Kate Heslop's medical term. Good? Oh, Charles. Speaker 3 (4:20) Good question, Mark. Are you Speaker 4 (4:22) aware that you've had that procedure done like the next day? Speaker 3 (4:26) You Speaker 4 (4:27) know what I'm asking? It's not Speaker 3 (4:29) really like sore. Is that what you're asking? Speaker 4 (4:32) Kind of, yeah. It's not like the second it finishes, you're like. Speaker 3 (4:36) Nah, but I would say having it in the morning for the rest of the day, you are a bit like, you Speaker 4 (4:43) know. Speaker 3 (4:45) Because a Speaker 4 (4:45) friend of mine, female. It's Speaker 3 (4:46) uncomfortable. Speaker 4 (4:47) Oh, yeah. Like it Speaker 3 (4:49) doesn't hurt, but it's uncomfortable and like I guess it depends on the way that your body is laid out because you've got a short cervix. You know, that can obviously affect how it hurts you because they put the like duck bill thing in. They fucking wrench open like old car. Do Speaker 4 (5:08) they call it a duck bill? Speaker 3 (5:09) They do. Speaker 4 (5:11) Really? They Speaker 3 (5:12) do. It's called like. Something, but that's what they... Yeah. Speaker 4 (5:16) It is a duck bill. Thank you, Speaker 3 (5:17) Charles. Speaker 4 (5:18) That is a duck bill. Yeah. Speaker 3 (5:19) But that's what they kind of... How they describe it. Speaker 4 (5:23) Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Bring that back up, Charles. Speaker 3 (5:26) Yeah. You're going to need more information. Let's... No, no. Speaker 4 (5:29) Let's talk about... Speaker 3 (5:30) We're showing the duck bill thing on the screen, by the way, if you're just listening. But it's like Speaker 4 (5:34) a professional photo taken in a studio. Speaker 3 (5:37) Yeah, well, because they're probably selling that equipment. Speaker 4 (5:39) So I often get weird about like, you know, like stock photos. Sure. Speaker 3 (5:44) And Speaker 4 (5:44) I kind of go, imagine being on set that day. Speaker 3 (5:47) Oh, and being like, we're going to model the toothpicks. Yeah. Or Speaker 4 (5:52) hi guys, today we're just going to pretend that we work in an office because some company wants to put collaboration on their website and needs a generic picture. Speaker 3 (6:00) Yeah. Speaker 4 (6:01) That's so funny. So we're going to be that today. Yeah. And so I'm wondering, you study photography. Speaker 4 (6:09) You're that way of mind. You like how things look. You know, you got a nice eye. And they go, what are you doing today? And he goes, I'm shooting a duck bill. Speaker 3 (6:20) I mean, product photography or like e-com stuff like feels, you know, this is like not a necessary like creative photo shoot. Speaker 4 (6:30) Well, I mean, Speaker 3 (6:31) I don't know that. They might have put a lot into this, but. Speaker 4 (6:33) Is the duck bill. Okay, now we're going to get into it. Speaker 3 (6:37) Okay. Well, it did get into me, so that's all right. Speaker 4 (6:39) The way they've put it out there is that the bills are top and bottom. And I don't know why in my mind I assumed it would be left and right. Speaker 3 (6:48) So. When they insert it, Speaker 4 (6:51) the Speaker 3 (6:52) end, like the beak, if a duck was quacking, it would be open. Speaker 4 (6:57) The Speaker 3 (6:58) duck is not currently quacking. Speaker 4 (7:01) Yes. They Speaker 3 (7:02) put it in. Speaker 4 (7:03) But is it up and down or left and right? Up and down. Really? And Speaker 3 (7:06) then she quacks. Speaker 3 (7:09) Okay. No, this is how we're all learning. She quacks. A long quack stays open. And then see how there's the opening at the back. Then they threw the quack, put the swab into there, and then that's how they get like to the top of your cervix. Speaker 4 (7:25) Yep. Speaker 4 (7:27) Now, is it as cold as that photo looks? Speaker 3 (7:30) Yeah. Speaker 4 (7:30) Really? Then I heat it up. It's Speaker 3 (7:32) really, really cold. Can't they Speaker 4 (7:33) pop it in some warm water just to sit like in a cup of tea in an Earl Grey? I'd prefer. Speaker 3 (7:38) Yeah. I should ask them. Maybe a chamomile will calm you down from the inside. Speaker 4 (7:42) Wouldn't that be beautiful? I'd pay for that. Speaker 3 (7:44) Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like a spa treatment. They wouldn't have to Speaker 4 (7:46) message you and go, oh, it's five years. You better come in. You'd be messaging them going- I'd Speaker 3 (7:49) be Speaker 4 (7:49) like, Speaker 3 (7:49) when can I come in for another one? When's Speaker 4 (7:51) the next Speaker 3 (7:51) available? When's me pappy? How often Speaker 4 (7:52) can I get these? When Speaker 3 (7:53) can I have a schmear? I Speaker 4 (7:55) want a chamomile on my- F*** to me. Speaker 3 (7:57) So, yeah, it is as cold as it looks. And it's just, you know, a cold metal object. And it feels like a cold metal object. Like it's really, it's very a sterile procedure. Like it's not nice. But that's okay. We have to do these things for our health and longevity. The Speaker 4 (8:18) person holding it looks like they're ready to do the shocker. I don't know if there's something about the bottom two. Speaker 3 (8:23) Yeah, they're holding it like a gun. Speaker 4 (8:25) Yeah. Speaker 3 (8:26) Which is quite aggressive. Yeah. Speaker 4 (8:28) But, Speaker 3 (8:29) you know, these things. Well, Speaker 4 (8:30) we're proud of you. Thank Speaker 3 (8:31) you so much. Speaker 4 (8:32) The scrape of life. Speaker 3 (8:34) And it really could be, you know. Speaker 4 (8:36) And, like. Speaker 3 (8:39) No results yet. Yeah. Like all good? Speaker 4 (8:41) You don't know. Speaker 3 (8:42) Nah, don't know yet. And Speaker 4 (8:43) do they just go, cool, we'll let you know if there's anything? Speaker 3 (8:46) Yeah. Speaker 4 (8:47) So they just, if you don't hear back, it's good news? Because that feels weird. Speaker 3 (8:50) Yeah, it does. Like, don't call us, we'll call you. And I'm like, no, I'd love to find Speaker 4 (8:54) out. You're going to put something Speaker 3 (8:54) in my vagina Speaker 4 (8:54) and not call me back. You Speaker 3 (8:56) know what I mean? That's a really good way of putting it. That's a Speaker 4 (8:58) bit shit. Speaker 3 (8:59) I'd love a follow-up. Yeah. If you wouldn't mind, I would love a follow-up to this. Even if it's Speaker 4 (9:03) just a text just to say, hey, it's not for me, but I had a great time. Hey, Speaker 3 (9:06) girl. I love it. Yeah. So Speaker 4 (9:08) much fun. I don't really see it going further, but just wanted to let you know. It's like respectable. Speaker 3 (9:12) Yeah. And you're... selling it exactly like how you feel a bit violated after that you do want somebody to kind of just be like hey you're all good yeah i know Speaker 4 (9:23) you were just violated inside but just i've got some feedback i Speaker 3 (9:27) don't know but just like and you're fine oh yeah all Speaker 4 (9:29) good yeah Speaker 3 (9:32) But the new doctor's good as well. Thanks for Speaker 4 (9:34) asking. If you had a one-night stand and the next morning the guy left and just sent through an emoji that was just like thumbs up. Speaker 3 (9:41) I'd write that. Speaker 4 (9:42) Yeah. Because I'd Speaker 3 (9:43) be like, hey, Speaker 4 (9:44) thanks for Speaker 3 (9:45) acknowledging that. Speaker 4 (9:46) Yeah. All Speaker 3 (9:47) good. Speaker 4 (9:47) Nice one. I Speaker 3 (9:48) just think the acknowledgement is nice. Like I read some fucking. Speaker 3 (9:56) like buzzfeed or you know one of those kind of things about how people like hate it when someone likes a message like that is really is that right like really passive aggressive for someone to like thumbs up a message but Speaker 4 (10:08) but we're into that here i Speaker 3 (10:09) like that because Speaker 4 (10:11) i've i've read your i've acknowledged that i've got it Speaker 3 (10:14) yeah i think that's really nice because then it's not just like radio silence Speaker 4 (10:18) obviously Speaker 3 (10:19) if i was saying something that needed an answer then I'd be like, oh, like I need you. But if it's not really that but it's just. Oh, but Speaker 4 (10:27) I'm guilty of people like telling me something that I needed to know and I'll go, cool, got it. But I say that in my brain and they don't know that I've got it. Speaker 3 (10:34) Yeah, and I think that the thumbs up is just nice. Speaker 4 (10:37) That is nice. Yeah. We've all learned something today. I'm pro that. Write it down. Speaker 3 (10:41) Yeah. Speaker 4 (10:42) These are top confessions. Hello. Speaker 3 (10:45) What are we confessing today? Someone's like, I did a pap smear for this girl and she was