Soup

Three Bean Salad

The episode begins with a tribute to the late actress Stephanie Cole before transitioning into a series of surreal, disconnected discussions

Key takeaways

• The hosts discuss the 'Bydecker blitz,' referring to the strategic bombing of historic UK cities like York and Norwich.
• A recent event in York featured naked cyclists protesting for climate change awareness and road safety.
• One host recounts a humorous attempt to avoid being caught by deacons while exploring York Minster.
• The concept of 'perpetual stew' is explored, noting historical instances of soup being kept boiling for decades.
• An email highlights Taylor Swift's role as a biologist for the National Marine Fisheries Service.

Main topics

• Historical bombings in York
• Naked cycling protests
• York Minster anecdotes

Notable quotes

It is basically a drink rebranded as food.

Conclusion

A chaotic but entertaining exercise in stream-of-consciousness banter

Transcript preview

Speaker 3 (0:00) This episode is dedicated to the late, but in her day magnificent, Stephanie Cole, who has died at the age of 84. World-class actor with a career most in the biz would give their right arm for. All-round superwoman and a very devil on the ukulele banjo. She will be greatly missed. Thank you, Stephanie! Speaker 3 (0:25) I was in York recently, which is very lovely. York, to me, is what Exeter is supposed to look like. Speaker 1 (0:33) Right, yes. So, in your mind, you picture York. Norwich is also sort of equivalent to that. Both by Decker Speaker 3 (0:39) Blitzt, Speaker 1 (0:40) but, Speaker 3 (0:41) yeah, like, York and Norwich, they did a better job of repairing it. And also, they had less, like, bulldozers ravaging the old town in the 60s and putting up sort of bits of breeze blocking. Speaker 1 (0:50) I think we need to pause. There's a phrase you used there, which you tossed off. A bigger problem. And it confounded both me and Ben. Tossed Speaker 2 (0:57) off? Is that what you'd say? Speaker 1 (1:00) Wanked out? Oh yeah, yeah, go on. Which was bydecker blitzed. Speaker 3 (1:09) Oh yeah, as in like the blitz, as in the bombings of the Second World War. There was a sub blitz called the bydecker blitz. Right. Where you had a guidebook, the bydecker guidebook. It was a tourism book published before the war. Yeah. that was used by Goebbels to go, if we bomb the premium cities in this book, that'll really make everyone in Britain sad. Oh, I see. Oh, wow. Because Beidecker really says you must see York, you must see Coventry, you must see Norwich, you must see Exeter. But not Oxford, because Hitler wanted that for his base, you see. Speaker 2 (1:49) It's time for Provincial Dad Chat. Speaker 2 (1:56) Who's hidden Speaker 3 (1:57) my bloody walking boots? I'm not saying it's ruined the holiday. I'm just saying I asked for rum raisin. Get your skates on, kids, otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session. Speaker 2 (2:06) She's taking her mother to see Blood Brothers, which means more Top Gear time for me. Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist? Speaker 1 (2:13) Of course I've kept the warranty information, darling. Speaker 1 (2:19) But there was a deal, so Oxford and Cambridge got let off, and then certain cities in Germany were also let off as a kind of deal. We won't touch your Oxford if you don't touch our Worms. Wasn't it? Speaker 2 (2:32) We did their Dresden. We did it horribly. Speaker 1 (2:36) I Speaker 2 (2:36) always assumed that Dresden was some kind of industrial town, and we were taking out all of the munitions factories and stuff. And then I went to Dresden. It's the most beautiful place. Yes. It's this incredible, like... old 1700s buildings. It's kind of, yeah, it's there, Oxford or York. It's amazing. And I was like, oh, we, that was such a bad, that was bad. Yeah, yeah. This Speaker 1 (3:00) is such a weird start to the show. Speaker 3 (3:01) It is, yeah. But they did it both sides. But they did a dreadful job in excess of rebuilding. And in the 60s, like, mashed up all kinds of nice stuff as well. They're quite weird about it to this day. Mike, Mike, are you skirting around Speaker 2 (3:14) a little phrase that you'd like to pull out? Go on. Which is what the Luftwaffe couldn't do, the council bloody did. Who needs the Luftwaffe when you've got extra council? Speaker 1 (3:27) They're basically doing the same job. You should give them some bloody uniforms. Basically, one like for like. Although the difference is the trains actually would have run on time if the Luftwaffe had landed and then became in charge. Speaker 3 (3:44) It landed. It landed Speaker 1 (3:48) and became in charge of trains. Speaker 3 (3:49) Anyway, I was treated to York and I had a lovely little surprise on the Saturday because York was beset by swarms of naked cyclists. Oh, Speaker 1 (4:00) was it? Yeah. Oh. Oh, I'm just thinking about seats. I'm just thinking about the seats and the crack. I'm just thinking about the crack and the seat, the seat and the crack. Yes. Well, also kind Speaker 3 (4:10) of because the age range, there was quite a wide age range, but it was... Most of it was centred around the sort of middle age and late middle age, I would say. Speaker 1 (4:19) It's never the person who you want to see their arse cracks splayed over a hard leather seat, is it? It's not as it turns out. It's never. That's one of the rules of life, basically, isn't it? Speaker 1 (4:32) If someone's going to be basically flossing their perineum with a Brompton, it's not going to be the person you want to see flossing their perineum Speaker 3 (4:40) with Speaker 1 (4:40) a Brompton. Speaker 3 (4:40) It tends to be less flattering than only one of ursions anyway, I think, that whole Speaker 1 (4:44) thing. But the fact is, we're all mucking in together and it's a good laugh. But also, presumably it's for charity and stuff. Speaker 3 (4:51) No, I think it was, when I got confused, I thought it was just a climate Speaker 1 (4:54) change protest, which I think it was a bit. As a sort of warning, if it gets too hot, this is what you'll see every day during the morning commute. This is what you'll have to look at. Speaker 3 (5:02) But it was also about road safety, it turns out. But Speaker 2 (5:05) I thought the people of York seemed to be quite enjoying it. And everyone Speaker 3 (5:07) was having a nice time in there, because they'd stopped in the middle of a street, I think it's literally called the pavement, or just pavement. Oh. But it turns out they'd stopped because they had counter-protesters. Who Speaker 1 (5:18) are Speaker 3 (5:18) clothed. Speaker 1 (5:19) Wearing loads and loads and loads and loads of clothes. Exactly. Speaker 2 (5:22) Maximally clothed. But I didn't see any of them. We had them in Cardiff a few years ago. And there were people who, certainly on Facebook, I remember seeing on Facebook people saying, well, people think of their children, this is disgusting, they're perverts, all this kind of stuff. And I think, you know when you don't really know what you think about something until you're confronted with it? Yeah. I was like, no, it's quite good fun, isn't it? Oh, it was Speaker 3 (5:44) fine. I think most people in York seemed to think it was a laugh. I mean, including kids. I mean, there were parents pointing it out to their children who were laughing uproariously, going, I Speaker 1 (5:52) knew it, I was right. These people are gross. Yeah. Old people are gross. Speaker 3 (5:57) You know? And the bus drivers didn't mind it. There was only one man I saw who minded it. He seemed to be, he was in a sort of, yeah, a Range Rover, the sort of, the size of a leisure centre. Plowing through. Yeah, wanting to plow through. Yeah. Speaker 1 (6:10) But Speaker 3 (6:10) it felt like, I think this is aimed at you a Speaker 1 (6:12) bit, mate. Speaker 3 (6:13) I found it quite heartening. Speaker 1 (6:14) So what I'm trying to work out is, what happens to the frontal exterior genital pouch? Speaker 3 (6:21) Yeah. Pouch? What happens to your... It's perfectly normal to have a pouch, by the way. Not everyone has Speaker 1 (6:28) a pouch. Speaker 3 (6:29) It's Speaker 2 (6:30) just part of Speaker 1 (6:30) the... It's an evolutionary sort of... It's a vestigial pouch, isn't it? Speaker 2 (6:34) Yeah. Speaker 1 (6:36) From our marsupial days. From our marsupial days. And also sometimes there'll be a zip. Speaker 1 (6:42) And there'll be some traces of branding can actually be seen on it, can't there? Speaker 2 (6:46) Sometimes a USB-C charger. Yeah. Speaker 1 (6:49) What would happen to it during the cycling action? Would it sit atop of the thighs or underneath them? What I could see was that there was... What are you talking Speaker 2 (6:57) about? What part of the body are you talking about, Henry? Uh-oh. Speaker 3 (7:01) Leud content warning. Leud content warning. Speaker 1 (7:10) Cock Speaker 3 (7:10) and balls, Ben. Okay, okay. He's talking about the old chop and two veg is what he's talking about. Yeah, chop and two veg. There's a couple of the younger men hadn't quite decided on that and were standing on the pedals. I Speaker 2 (7:22) noticed that. Speaker 3 (7:24) And there were some people who were definitely edging quite far forwards into the seat and allowing the nose or the tip of the beak of the seat to lock in quite firmly with their grizzled anus. Within the testicular valley, is this? No, I think so. The testicular valley is then loose and swishing about. Oh, so, okay. And there were even, I mean, there were, because you know how you get different frames, right? You get the traditional. There was such a thing as a sort of ladies' frame where the bar for the skirt. There were definitely some older men who had those frames, and I did wonder if that's because they were worried about things swinging so low. They were effectively wearing a sort of genital skirt of sorts, or at least a spot on. Speaker 1 (8:11) Well, it's another reason to not leave London you've given me there, Mike. Thanks. Speaker 2 (8:17) Although the cyclists in London, given the shortness and the tightness of their shorts, may as well be naked if you ask me. Lovely stuff. That's not Speaker 1 (8:25) true of London. That's the regions. Speaker 2 (8:30) It's not. When I used to commute in London, there would be people dressed like the Tour de France for some reason. Yeah, I know. There is a bit of that. Speaker 3 (8:35) But they'll normally be men of a certain age who are commuting in from Surrey and then telling everyone for the rest of the day that they've Speaker 2 (8:41) cycled in from Surrey. Speaker 3 (8:43) Yeah, Speaker 2 (8:44) yeah, yeah. And it actually only takes 55 minutes when you go at the kind of speeds I'm going at. Speaker 1 (8:49) It's actually quicker than if you lived in certain parts of London. Speaker 2 (8:52) Yeah. I was in York recently. Oh, yeah. And I was basically just changing trains and I had a bit of time and I was like, what shall I do? I wanted to go in the Minster, but it costs money to get, like, big money, like 20 quid. They were about to shut, so it was like, you can go in, but you'll only have 10 minutes. But Speaker 3 (9:07) it will still be £20. Which felt mad to me. Speaker 2 (9:10) Yeah. But there's a service on at that time. Oh. But I didn't really want to go to the service, because I knew I didn't have time to go to the whole service. Did you have to get baptised and confirmed? Speaker 3 (9:20) Exactly. And as long as you saved £14.50, that's fine. Sign me up. Yeah. Speaker 1 (9:25) We'll need a proven miracle as well. At this short notice, you'll have to be attified. Speaker 2 (9:29) And you will have to agree to be a contralto in the choir for 20 years. You'll have to sing the descant to In the Bleak Midwinter, please. Speaker 3 (9:38) For Speaker 2 (9:38) some minor royals. Twice a year. So what I did was, I knew I couldn't go to the whole service because I had to go and get my train. So I went in, telling them I was going to the service. I peeled off to try and look at some wall bits. Then I was apprehended by a deacon, maybe, or a verger, or whatever, who said, excuse me, sir, blah, blah, blah. I was like, okay, fine. A security curate. Yes, exactly. And I walked back towards the chapel where the service was about to take place. Peeled off again. They know about you. Your photo is plastered. Your photo is... I peeled off into the north transept, had a little look, then another security deacon came along and said, excuse me, sir. You stop peeling Speaker 1 (10:23) off, please. Speaker 2 (10:24) You have Speaker 3 (10:24) been rendered permanently in coloured glass on the windows of the Minster. Speaker 1 (10:31) In the Speaker 3 (10:32) rogues' gallery window. Speaker 2 (10:34) And then I thought, right, can I peel off a third time? And I was pretty sure I couldn't because they were really watching me now. There was like two of them. They were tailing me. Yeah, this isn't Speaker 3 (10:42) the first time this has happened. Speaker 2 (10:43) No. Bloody hell. So then, I think I did a genius move. Okay. I peeled off towards the toilets. Speaker 3 (10:51) Okay. You wouldn't think of Speaker 2 (10:52) peeling off in that direction. Surely they've barricaded the windows and surely there's no way out of the toilets. They're onto that, surely. So I went to the toilet, I shat in the minster and escaped through the sewers of yore. Speaker 2 (11:08) Once I'd done that, I did have to then leave the building. It's classic Bon Jo, isn't it? Speaker 3 (11:14) It's Speaker 1 (11:15) classic Bon Jo. No space is too sacred. In he Speaker 3 (11:19) goes and he takes and he takes and he takes. Speaker 1 (11:23) So if you visit York Minster today, you can see now they've finished it, haven't they? The fully stained glass sort of gallery of sods. Yeah, the bastard Speaker 2 (11:30) of Cardiff. Speaker 1 (11:31) Yeah, he's just in between Pontius Pilate and Judas. Isn't he? They've stuck him. You can see the fact I had him in because he's on an angle in between the two of them and his head's sort of poking out. Speaker 3 (11:40) Yeah, it's like he's photobombing but in stained glass. Speaker 1 (11:43) Exactly, yeah. It's a stained glass photobomb. Speaker 3 (11:45) With the risk of the opening of this podcast sounding like it might be a bit dull. What is a minster? Are you about to say that? What is a minster? Isn't it basically a church, really? No, but it's like cathedral level, isn't it? But quite a fancy one, like a big old cathedral. Oh, it's cathedral level. It's got a minster, but also places are called something minster, aren't they? You'll have kid a minster. I mean, I assume there is a minster there, or there was a minster, but are people talking about the minster? Speaker 1 (12:08) Okay, can we just... I've got to say, basically, I just don't give a toss about any of this stuff. I'm just going to come out and say it. Yeah, but you brought it up. Speaker 2 (12:15) I know Speaker 1 (12:16) I did. Against my better judgment. But this, to me, is just summing up what life in the regions is about. It's basically discussions about whether something's a minster or not and what difference that makes, and then cycling around naked. Speaker 1 (12:30) Do you know what I mean? It's basically leading a stultifyingly dull existence and having to just desperately try to revivify yourself by doing something completely mad. That just makes no sense. Do you know what I mean? It's just you're veering wildly between these two extremes of putrid dullness and then just ghastly wackiness. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Speaker 1 (12:57) Now we're going to do the thing where we throw the cheese off a cliff and it lands on someone's dick. That's not interesting. That's just weird. For example, if you were to cycle naked through London, right, if all those people, you were to transfer them to London, I don't think they'd even get mugged. I just