895: Label Maker!

This American Life - This American Life

This episode of This American Life explores the complexities of labeling relationships and identities, beginning with a couple who avoid defining their relationship despite deep

Key takeaways

• Avoiding relationship labels can be a mature choice rooted in self-awareness and fear of re-traumatization from past relationships.

Main topics

• Relationship labeling and emotional ambiguity

Notable quotes

"If we put a label on it, gosh, we're going into the tunnel again." – Sarah on avoiding relationship labels

Conclusion

Labels—whether romantic or legal—are powerful forces that shape identity and stability. While some people resist labels

Transcript preview

Speaker 6 (0:00) A quick warning, there are curse words that are unbeaped in today's episode of the show. If you prefer a beeped version, you can find that at our website, thisamericanlife.org. Speaker 2 (0:11) From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life. I'm Tobin Lowe, sitting in for Ira Glass. The story of Sarah and Ethan's relationship starts with heartbreak. She had just gotten out of a 12-year relationship. He was separated after 13 years of marriage. Neither of them were particularly interested in jumping into something new too fast. But their mutual friends thought, hey, they have that in common. They're both in their 40s, both a little wobbly from their last relationships. They should date. Here's Ethan. I Speaker 6 (0:41) think they saw us both as like... people who didn't know what they were doing and thought, maybe these two can figure it out together. Speaker 2 (0:48) That's both like sweet and maybe a little insulting. Speaker 6 (0:53) Yeah, yeah. I'm going to take it as sweet. Speaker 2 (0:55) They hit it off, kept seeing each other, doing datey stuff, dinners, museums, walks in the park. And as weeks and then months went by, they advanced to the stage of hanging out with no particular plans. At one point, a kind of big thing happened. A friend of Sarah's died. Ethan knew how hard she was taking it, so he asked her, you want to go to a ballgame? Take your mind off things? And it felt nice to let him take care of her in that way. It's now been 10 months. So you're in contact pretty much every day. You see each other regularly. You're not seeing anybody else. Is he your boyfriend, then? Speaker 1 (1:36) No. Speaker 2 (1:37) Obviously. This is Sarah. What do you refer to him as? Speaker 1 (1:43) I guess I use his name. Speaker 2 (1:48) Okay. Speaker 1 (1:49) And... Speaker 1 (1:52) I will often say, he's the person I'm sort of seeing. Speaker 2 (1:57) The sort of feels crucial there. Speaker 1 (2:00) Or kind of. Speaker 2 (2:01) Or Speaker 1 (2:02) I guess I'm. There's always a bit of a qualifier. Speaker 6 (2:07) Gosh. I think both of us have sort of avoided using the boyfriend-girlfriend terms. Speaker 2 (2:13) In fact, a couple weeks ago, they had a conversation about whether it was time to have the what-are-we conversation. And they decided to put it off. Ethan and Sarah are your classic example of let's not put a label on it. You know couples like this. And I understand that people do this. But I'm always a little like, why are you doing this dance? Like, if it looks like a boyfriend duck and it quacks like a boyfriend duck, it's just a boyfriend duck, right? Speaker 1 (2:41) Some of my friends will refer to him as my boyfriend, but... You're Speaker 2 (2:47) making a face. Speaker 1 (2:47) Not very comfortable with it. Speaker 2 (2:51) Why do you think that is? What does it bring up for you? What is the feeling? Speaker 1 (2:56) It feels like if we put a label on it, gosh, we're going into the tunnel again. Like, it feels like it could last a long time. And that's a little scary. And if I'm someone's girlfriend, I want to be prioritized in a certain way. And I'm going to be reciprocal in that is not something that I'm comfortable with right now. Speaker 2 (3:22) There are other considerations they're thinking about, like Ethan's daughter, who is 10 and still doesn't really know about Sarah. He's thought a lot about what putting a label on this thing with Sarah would trigger. Speaker 6 (3:33) If dad had a girlfriend, I think that that would feel very significant to her. Speaker 2 (3:40) Yeah, I think that that would, I think it would feel like a big deal to a 10-year-old. When I was hearing this described to me at first, I was like, To be honest, I was like, oh, this sounds very, like, teenager-y, immature, like, we don't want to call it anything. And now the more that I've talked to you, it's like, oh, it's a very mature... And sort of being honest with yourself about what you want and what comes with putting a label on it. Speaker 1 (4:13) Oh, yeah, absolutely. Because there's expectations and having no expectations is so much nicer right now. Speaker 2 (4:25) I get what she's saying. Labels, they're powerful. They can distill you down to a single word, can get stuck on you without your permission. I still think about the day when my dad introduced me as his husky boy. I thought about that label for years. Today on our show, we have a story of a woman who spent more than a decade trying to get a particular label put on her. And we see what happens when a label that's holding someone's life together gets peeled away. And also, Today, I have the all-powerful label of host, so I am commanding you to stay with us. Speaker 6 (5:13) 30 years ago, an island off Manhattan almost brought down New York City. Who will you trust? Your friends and neighbors? Or will you trust the people five miles overseas? This is a story about neighbors turning on each other and what happens when a forgotten place decides it's had enough. Speaker 1 (5:30) But we're not stopping, are we? Speaker 6 (5:35) Listen to Revisionist History, The Staten Island Problem, wherever you get your podcasts. Speaker 2 (5:44) It's This American Life, Act One, Last Shift. The label being assigned in this first story is temporary. It's a label that can feel meaningful and definitive. You know the thing will end, whatever it is. But temporary is also a flexible term. Your life on Earth is temporary, but it can go on for a hundred years. The temporary label plays an important role in the U.S. immigration system for something called Temporary Protected Status, TPS. TPS is a status given to a country all at once. It allows eligible people from that country to live and legally work in the U.S. if their home country has become unsafe or unstable, for instance, because of war or disaster. And if war or disaster goes on, TPS can be extended. For some countries, it's been extended for more than 25 years. Wars can last a long time. A 30-second earthquake can cause damage that takes years to recover from. Last week, the Trump administration succeeded in ending TPS for people from Haiti. A judge removed the last roadblock. It affected a huge number of people, more than 300,000 Haitians. Many have been here in jobs and lives far longer than anyone would consider temporary. So, 300,000 people were facing an end all at once. Hana Jaffe-Waltz spent time last week with one of them at her job, a woman named Marie. And no one, including Marie, knew which day would be her very last on the job. Here's Hannah. Speaker 3 (7:20) I had heard about Marie before I showed up at the nursing home in Boston. Her boss told me he was losing his best CNA, the pride of the building, he said. A CNA is a certified nursing assistant. Families love Marie, he told me. When I walked in, the senior nurse leader, Florinette, walked me up to the second floor, pointing out details and people along the way. And she pointed to a room and said, the woman staying in this room refused to be moved from her chair to the bed by anyone but Marie. Speaker 8 (7:51) If Marie is not here, we have to make sure that we go and tell her why Marie is not here. Why Speaker 3 (7:59) did you do that? Because Speaker 8 (8:00) she's used to Marie. She's used to her, and Marie treats her with respect. So she really is an exemplary CNA. I've worked with many CNAs. I know everyone. This is Marie. Speaker 3 (8:15) Oh, hello. How are you doing? I've heard so much about you. Oh, really? Speaker 8 (8:19) Well, this is another Marie. Oh, Speaker 3 (8:21) different Marie. Speaker 8 (8:21) Okay. Yes. This is another Marie. Apparently, Speaker 3 (8:26) there are a lot of Marie's in this building. Marie Jolette, Marie Claire, Marie France. I ask Florinette, how much of the staff here is Haitian? And she says, oh, we all are. Except for, and she scans the floor, her. Speaker 8 (8:41) She is not Haitian. But I think I see three Siena's already, and all three of them are Haitian. Speaker 3 (8:49) And then, a small woman in glasses, gold hoops, ponytail, and pink scrubs walks purposefully down the hall toward us. Hannah, here is your movie. Nice to meet you. So nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you already before even meeting you. Okay. Speaker 8 (9:09) I'm here a long time. How long have you been here? Twelve years. Speaker 3 (9:14) Do you know that you have a reputation here as being one of the best? Speaker 8 (9:18) Yes, I know. Speaker 3 (9:21) But Marie is not particularly interested in talking about this or dwelling on her talents. Marie's not a dweller. For a person who's a star, she's the opposite of flashy. She's focused, quiet, exceedingly polite, but I'm asking questions and I can tell she's distracted. glancing at the rooms behind me where her residents are. Speaker 8 (9:41) I have somebody in the bathroom for now. I cannot stay for too long. Okay, Speaker 3 (9:46) so I'll set up. Speaker 8 (9:46) Okay. Okay, thank Speaker 3 (9:47) you. Thank Speaker 8 (9:48) you for coming. Oh, I'm so glad to be here. Speaker 3 (9:52) From there, Marie is in motion, and she invites me to follow her from one resident to the next. Speaker 8 (9:59) I'm coming, Marie. I'm coming. I'm coming. Speaker 3 (10:02) In and out of bathrooms and linen closets, between bedsides, Humming evangelical hymns to herself as she changes sheets. And Speaker 6 (10:11) cleans Speaker 3 (10:15) up messes. Speaker 3 (10:20) I thought we were going to talk about this huge change that was about to happen in Marie's life, about what is likely her last week on this job. But actually, it seems like I'm going to watch her do her last week on the job. And the other nurses and CNAs are watching me and my microphone and asking each other, what's she doing? She's following Marie? Why? Because she's good at her job? And then they want to talk and add on. saying, I can also tell you how good Marie is at her job. Speaker 6 (10:51) She never say no. She always be there for everybody. She's just really special. She knows all their little quirks and, you know, she'll be training someone and say, you know, they like a sock on their left foot but not on their right. And, you know, she remembers all those things that you don't have to remember Speaker 3 (11:12) to do your job. She's great. And do you know what's happening with Marie this week, at the end of this week? I do not, no. Speaker 1 (11:23) I get Speaker 3 (11:24) out of the conversation, awkwardly, and have a couple more moments just like this, where I gather, bit by bit, that nobody here knows the major thing that is happening in Marie's life. Marie has invited me here, knowing I'm doing a story about people on TPS, about her job ending. But the people she works with don't know her job is ending or that she's on TPS. Even though most people who work here are Haitian, some of them are on TPS, like Maria's, but most aren't. A woman on staff named Nancy told me we give each other privacy. Speaker 6 (12:01) We don't ask questions directly because we don't know who has it, who doesn't have it, and things like that, you know? So we just talk as Speaker 8 (12:10) a group. Speaker 3 (12:12) Nancy said the day that the Supreme Court allowed the Trump administration to end TPS for Haitians, the staff got together at the end of the day and talked about how sad it was that TPS was ending, how scared people were. She said Marie in particular was very sympathetic in those conversations toward our other co-workers who have TPS. But Nancy clearly did not know Marie is one of those co-workers. Speaker 6 (12:38) You know, and she was feeling for everybody else. Everybody was talking about it. Especially Marie, Speaker 8 (12:45) because she's very caring like that for everybody. Speaker 3 (12:53) How's Speaker 8 (12:53) it Speaker 3 (12:53) going? Good. Yeah? I catch Marie coming out of a room and pull her aside for a minute. And your co-workers have been asking what I'm doing. And I've been saying I'm following you. And nobody seems to know about TPS and that stuff. Do you want me not? I