I Know What You Need
This American Life
This episode explores moments when people feel compelled to help others—whether it's a waitress confronting customers who walked out on a $1
Key takeaways
- Helping others can feel morally right but often leads to unexpected emotional and social outcomes.
Main topics
- Unintended consequences of helping others
- Personal responsibility vs. moral obligation
Notable quotes
"You don't owe me money. You owe him money."
"It was worth the show."
Conclusion
The episode underscores how our instinct to help can be both empowering and
Transcript preview
Speaker 6 (0:00) A quick warning, there are curse words that are unbeaped in today's episode of the show. If you prefer a beeped version, you can find that at our website, thisamericanlife.org. Speaker 3 (0:11) When she was in her late 20s, Devin was in grad school in Memphis and scraping by like you do in grad school. When a car broke down, she didn't have the money to fix it for months. She worked as a waitress, which she really liked. She was one of those waitresses who could remember everybody's order without writing it down. She was quick on her feet while buzzing around, sizing up the customers. What do you need? What do you need? And the restaurant? Speaker 5 (0:34) So the restaurant is kind of a famous tourist trap on Beale Street called Silky O'Sullivan's. If you've ever been to Beale Street, you know this restaurant. They have goats. They have dueling pianos. They also have these giant bucket drinks called divers. And they put like 20 straws in these things and people get. absolutely wasted. I used to call them, this was the era when that show, The Walking Dead, was really popular, and people were like walkers because they were so drunk that they would just be kind of staggering around on the patio and you'd sort of like kick them to get them out of your way. You're like, move along, walkers. And people go, like it's a place people go for like a bachelorette party or what have you. Speaker 3 (1:18) Devin doesn't remember many of the customers from back then. Going back, it's a blur. people and drink orders, except for the people who came in one day during a lunch shift. This was in the middle of summer, a weekday, she thinks. Speaker 5 (1:31) Lunch shifts were always like a little bit slow. There was a guy who used to play acoustic guitar out on the patio, and it was just kind of a lazy thing. People would come and hang out for hours, and you just, you know, kind of limp through your shift. And I had these two women who came in with presumably their daughters. There was just two women, two young girls. They were watching the music and they were drinking frozen drinks. And they were there for hours. And I would go out, you know, every whatever, however many minutes to check on them. And they were always just fine. And at one point I went out and they weren't there. And I was like, that's weird. And I start looking around and I'm becoming increasingly panicked because This is a restaurant where, at least at the time, if somebody walked out on your check, you had to pay for that check. Speaker 3 (2:25) You as the server were responsible for the check. Speaker 5 (2:29) That was the policy at the time, at least as I understood it. Speaker 3 (2:33) It is not the policy, by the way, of the current owners of Silky O'Sullivan's, who took over a few years ago, I checked. But back then, Devin says, she was on the hook for this check. Speaker 5 (2:43) Their check was a little over $100. Speaker 3 (2:46) And $100, like, what was your take-home on a normal day? Speaker 5 (2:50) Especially for a lunch shift, I was lucky if I got $100. Speaker 3 (2:54) Right. And so basically, like this would basically mean you were working for free that day and might even lose a little money. Yes. But Devin has no time to dwell on this at that moment because another table has been seated in her section and she has to go attend to them. Speaker 5 (3:09) And so I walk over to this table and they can see that I'm looking around and a little panicked. And one of the men at the table says, are you looking for that table? And they point to where the women had been sitting. I said, yes. And he says, yeah, something weird happened where they sent the two kids out to the street. And then they each went one by one and followed them. And I think they walked out on the check. Speaker 3 (3:38) So what'd you do? Speaker 5 (3:41) well, it's the middle of my shift. There's not much I can do. And so I, you know, I'm talking to this table and I kind of like try to, you know, I'm starting to get upset and my eyes are filling with tears and I like button up a little bit and say, okay, well, can I get your drink order? And I'm like fighting back tears. And it's this table of, you know, like five or six adults. And they're like, sure, we'll have a nice tea, whatever they begin to order. And who I believe is kind of the father of the group, it's like, mother and father, and I think they're adult children is what I sort of put together as the makeup of this table. He reaches in his pocket and he just hands me a credit card. And I'm a little bit confused for a moment. He said, just pay their check. Just pay for it. Oh, Speaker 3 (4:26) wow. Speaker 5 (4:28) Yeah. I'm like, are you serious? But also I'm kind of feeling bad because I feel like I've manipulated him into doing this because I'm crying. And so I was like, no, no, no, no, no. It's fine. It's fine. He's like, just please, just pay for it. And so I do. And he not only pays their check, but he tips on it. He tips on this table that's walked out. Speaker 3 (4:51) So you get like a 20 % tip from him? Speaker 5 (4:53) I get a 20 % tip from him. So I'm made whole, you know? I mean, this guy has wonderfully stepped up. He's made me whole. And so, okay, great. And they end up being this wonderful table. They have a lot of fun. They're hanging out. I think it's like a little family reunion in Memphis. They order drinks, hang out for a while. They tip then again generously on their check. Speaker 3 (5:23) But after the family leaves, Devin can't help but keep playing it over and over in her head. What she would say to those two women if she ever saw them again. It's still so outrageous to her. Okay, so two hours pass, maybe three she thinks. And then one of the people from that second table, the generous table, one of the adult children comes back all excited. They Speaker 5 (5:45) come running into the restaurant and they're like, we found them. And what? Yeah, they were like, they're down at the gift shop. And this is Beale Street. And so. I put, I remember it so clearly. I put my tray down. I'm holding like a tray. I like slam it down. I'm like, let's go. And we go marching down Beale Street. Wait, Speaker 3 (6:05) so Speaker 5 (6:05) you leave your shift? I literally leave in the middle. I'm like, I don't care. I'm going. I mean, it's only like a half a block away, but I'm just like, yes, I'm walking out of this restaurant. I'm AWOL on my shift for a few minutes. I got to deal with this. And I'm in my little like, you know, my apron and the whole thing. And I marched down to this gift shop. And sure enough. There's these two women and their children just browsing the merch. And I walk up to them and I say, excuse me, I believe you owe me some money. And they turn and they look like they've seen ghosts, like they can't believe the server from down the street that they know they walked out on three hours earlier or what have you standing in front of them. And I say, actually, you don't owe me money. You owe him money. And I point to the father who's in this gift shop, the whole family is. And they're totally shocked. And I start unloading on them. Because I've been all day thinking, what would I say if I ever saw those women again? And I just say, you know, you left me. I had to pay for it. I'm just a waitress. You know, I don't have any money. What kind of example are you setting for your children? It Speaker 3 (7:17) is so satisfying to do this, Devin says. She knows she's in the right. They're in the wrong. It's amazing. Speaker 5 (7:23) I mean, maybe part of the thing to say here is. This is a real low point in my life anyway, where I'm really, I don't know what my future is going to look like. I don't know. I kind of feel like, is this my life of like, you know, having people walk out on checks on me and serving these drunk people at a tourist trap on Beale Street. And, you know, I just feel really lost. And the fact that these women sort of kicked me while I was down felt so bad. And I get to... I get to tell them that and I get to like fix it, you know? Yeah. Speaker 3 (8:01) And then they hand you money? Speaker 5 (8:03) Oh, so fast. They start digging into their pockets. They're pulling out lots of cash. They're like just. I mean, because at this point, there's a crowd that is gathering around because I'm giving this speech in the middle of this gift shop. I mean, it's not something you see every day. And so everybody's looking at them. And so they just want this scene to end. And so they're just throwing cash at me like, please just go away. Wait a minute. Are they saying Speaker 3 (8:27) like we made a mistake? What are they saying? Speaker 5 (8:28) No, they're saying, no, no, no. We pay the check. Like they're sort of half-heartedly sputtering defense. What are you talking about? we paid you. Maybe something happened. You know, like they don't know what to say to this. And so they hand me the bills and I turn to the guy and I say like, you know, here you go, sir. And he says, keep it. It was worth the show. Speaker 3 (8:58) Whoa. Speaker 5 (8:59) Yeah. Speaker 3 (9:09) Looking back on all this today, Devin understands it wasn't a lot of money for this guy. A hundred bucks. He paid it without thinking. Probably never missed it. She could do that today. Speaker 5 (9:18) But at the time, it was so much money to me. It was almost unfathomable that somebody could spare that and would spare that. Well, that's Speaker 3 (9:29) a Speaker 5 (9:29) really interesting Speaker 3 (9:29) point. Who do you think had the better experience that day? You or that guy? Speaker 5 (9:41) I mean, I made a lot of money that day. But I do feel like when he said... keep it. It was worth the show. I think he meant it. I think it had already been worth it to him. I don't think that kind of thing happens that often where you observe something that is just so purely wrong and you're in a position to fix it. I mean, not just once, but twice, right? They paid the check, but then they, they, they, you know, brought me their, their criminals, you know? And I think they enjoyed the fact that they got to do that. Speaker 3 (10:15) It's rare, right? To be in a situation where you can see exactly what somebody else needs and it's an actual, totally fixable problem, not a band-aid or a temporary messy solution, or it's one of those things where it's not clear how to fix the problem, but a case where it's utterly clear and it's simple and you get to do it. I ran this by Devin. She agreed. Speaker 5 (10:36) I know. I wonder if he's still telling this story. Speaker 3 (10:39) It's Speaker 5 (10:39) a Speaker 3 (10:39) hard story for him to tell because he's the hero. And the way you describe him, I don't think he's the kind of a-hole who would tell this story. He's not like, I Speaker 5 (10:50) went to Memphis one weekend and I was really great and you should hear how great I was. Yeah, like in my Speaker 3 (10:55) version of the story, he's so dignified. In my head, I want to believe that he's such a good guy, he's never going to tell that story. Like, sometimes, like, one of his kids will tell it, like, in his presence, and it makes him feel good. But he would never tell that story. Speaker 5 (11:09) Even when he handed me the credit card, he wasn't like, their check I shall pay because that was wrong. Like, he was just, like, just quietly handed me a card, like, just pay it. Speaker 3 (11:26) For today on our show, I know what you need. We have stories where somebody thinks that they know what somebody else needs and then takes all possible measures to give it to them. But you can get complicated, of course, because maybe they are not correct about what the other person needs. We have stories today from the world of overly helpful people and the world of overly helpful robots. From WBEZ Chicago, this is American Life. I'm Ira Glass. Stay with us. Speaker 3 (12:04) Cis American Life, Act 1, Friends and Family Plan. Well, fellow adults, we get to a certain age, and then we find ourselves taking care of our parents. And that's the best-case scenario. That's the scenario where everybody gets to live to the point where that is possible. So, if we're lucky, we end up taking care of these people who, it turns out, are not little children you can just boss around easily, but they are other adults with their own thoughts about their care. How inconvenient. Kristen Rupanian wrote this piece of fiction based on a real thing that happened to a real family she knows. Here she is. Speaker 1 (12:41) My brother wanted me to introduce our dad to his new AI girlfriend. It's simple, Jared said. I already added her to his list of approved contacts. All you have to do is, when you get to Greenhaven, call her and hand him the phone. But who should I say she is? I objected. Doesn't matter. She's pretty. She looks like Crystal. Just say, Dad, here is this lady. She wants to talk to you. She'll start chatting as soon as he says hello. Speaker 1 (13:08) Even though the idea of an AI girlfriend creeped me out, I didn't want to argue with my brother. After all, she was for a good cause. Jared was hoping she would help my dad finally get over his most recent girlfriend, Crystal, whom he'd had to leave behind in Alaska when he went into memory care. I reminded myself that when I'd been with my dad in the ER the previous November, I'd taken the opportunity to go through his phone and block all the scantily clad young women who were sending him requests for money on Venmo. Probably at least one of them had been a bot, and that hadn't prevented him from enjoying their company. I decided I would fix my dad up with the AI girlfriend that afternoon, after we went to the beach. Speaker 1 (13:49) My siblings were always scheming about ways they could use technology to manage my dad. On her last visit, my sister had stolen his old phone and replaced it with a new one designed to protect seniors from being scammed out of their life savings. You couldn't use the circle phone, as we called it, to send or receive texts or to access the internet. You could only call six people whose faces glowed out at you from bright, large circles on the screen. And no one whose face wasn't in one of those circles could call you. Speaker 1 (14:20) On the drive to the beach, which we'd done many times, my dad always told the exact same stories at the exact same points along the way. When we passed by the dump, he would smile and say, that's where I got up on the dump because I thought I was such a big guy. This was a reference to a story I only partially understood. But apparently, when he'd last lived in the area, before he moved to Alaska, at some point, he'd climbed up on top of