509 - Meghan and Harry, Classic Trump, & $40 Trillion In Debt

The Tim Dillon Show

Tim Dillon dissects the return of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry to the UK after their six-year stint in the U.S., mocking their failed attemp

Key takeaways

• Being a 'working royal' is essentially a performative entertainment role for the British working class, not a meaningful public service.
• Meghan and Harry failed in their attempts to build fame outside the UK, from Netflix cooking shows to selling jam, highlighting their lack of real-world impact.

Main topics

• Meghan Markle and Prince Harry's return to the UK
• The performative nature of royal duties

Notable quotes

They're coming back to the country that is forced to deal with them. He's the prince. You know, that's the thing about America. We don't have a royal family.

Being a working royal is not a job. You just go to places and wave. You get photographed.

Conclusion

Tim Dillon concludes with a darkly comedic vision of America's future, where a

Transcript preview

Speaker 4 (0:00) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. We did it. Meghan Markle and Harry are going back to the UK to raise their children. And I want to thank all of my colleagues that have made this happen and people like myself, Piers Morgan, and others, although Piers now gets to own them. They're coming back to the UK. One thing about a good con knows when the jig is up. Like, they were probably saying, listen, what else are we going to do here? They spent six years in America. They tried to do documentaries. They tried to write children's books. They tried to sell jam. She tried to be Martha Stewart. She had a Netflix show where she taught people how to make pasta. I mean, you got to hand it to them. They left no stone unturned. But the thing is that the UK has to deal with them. He's the prince. You know, that's the thing about America. We don't have a royal family, so we don't really have to deal with anybody. The UK has no choice. They are back, and you must deal with them. You must take them. It's like when you have a child, and the child is acting up and getting in trouble in school, and you go, well, they're your kid. You got to deal with them. That's the whole thing with suspension. Suspension, when the kid gets suspended from school. It punishes the parents because the state. basically goes, they're your child. You deal with them. And in the same way, Meghan and Harry are going back to the country that is forced to deal with them. They have to. They have to take them back. This is what it is. They plan to relocate from the U.S. to a private, non-royal residence outside London. With their children, Prince Archie, seven, and Princess Lilibet, five, they are enrolled to start school in September. Their UK security was downgraded after they stopped being working royals in 2020. Which, by the way, do you realize what a loser you have to be to say, I'm not going to be a working royal? Like, I don't even, like, that's not even real. Being a working royal is not a job. You just go to places and wave. You get photographed. A working royal is the funniest coupling of words that has ever been invented in the English language. They resigned from their royal duties, which amounted to nothing. The royal duties were not even real. They would just go to some country that Britain still kind of owns and they'd walk in there and then there'd be a bunch of like young children with cleft palates and they would go and stand with them and take a photo. That's what it means to be a working royal. You're not doing anything. They don't make policy. They're not political in the way that like the prime minister is. They're a completely ceremonial, largely pretend tradition, and the people of the UK love them, and God bless, there's some value in tradition. I don't know what value there is in this, but they resigned from being working royals in 2020 and moved to the US where they have paid for their own protection. And by the way, no one wants to kill them. That's the other thing. Nobody wants to kill these people. Nobody cares enough to go kill them. People just want them to stop inflicting themselves on the public. Nobody's trying to kill them. But in their lurid fantasies, in her mind, white supremacists are trying to climb in the window of her Montecito estate and kill her to make some point. So they had to pay for their own security because the UK was like, listen, if you're going to move to another country and not even do this fake thing, this fake thing we've set up where you stand there and you take photos, that's all you have to do. If you're not even going to do that, if you're unwilling to do that, the British public funds are silly lives. Speaker 4 (5:01) We get to sit in fucking these castles and go rape people with Jeffrey Epstein. We get, you know, and we get to live lavishly. And the only thing the British public wants is unfettered access to our lives. Because while we ship their jobs to other countries and while we bring in other people to do the only jobs left at home. We just want them to sit in their house and eat a fucking Tesco's chicken and watch tabloid shows and read tabloids about the palace intrigue of what's going on in your life. So that's what a royal is. A working royal is just a real housewife. It's just a gossip mongering. You exist. to entertain the working class that the UK doesn't care about anymore, that languishes in alcoholism and in drug addiction. And the UK goes, you are their entertainment. That's what a working royal is. Just entertain them. Look nice. Get in squabbles with the other members of the royal family. We're going to take all kinds of photos of you when you go on vacation. We're going to be... climbing in a window at a hotel room, and sure, I guess a lot of it gets annoying, but make no mistake, you are living this life not because you add value in any tangible, quantifiable way. The only value that you add is that you are a reality show for the British working class that is increasingly desperate. And we have made so. We're making them increasingly desperate. And they get to turn on the TV or open a magazine and read about your lives and go, must be nice. It must be nice. You know, I heard that she's in a row with Kate. She's in a row with Kate. Oh, she's in a row with Kate, is she? Well, Kate's real class. So Kate stayed really above it. And this is all it is. And they couldn't even do that. They couldn't even do that. It's like when these real housewives come out and they go, well, you know, the production schedule is very heavy. You go, all you do, you're just, you're a drunken cunt. That's all you do. You show up to a restaurant. The producers ply you with alcohol. And you sit there and say like. crazy shit, and you go, well, the production schedule is very heavy, and it's wreaked havoc on my family. You go, you don't care about your family anyway. That's why you've got them all on camera. In the most important years of their lives, these real housewives trot out their children when they're teenagers. They're awkward. They have all kinds of issues, and they make them grow up on television. which is why a lot of them then start OnlyFans or kill themselves. And then they go, well, it's been a lot on my thing. It was actually took a toll on my marriage to do this show. You knew what it was when you signed up for it. You knew what it was. Meghan knew what it was. To be a working royal is to be fodder for the British working class. You show them pictures of your children. You tell them about your lives. And then occasionally, you get on a plane, some private jet, and you go to some other part. You open a woman's shelter. You take a picture with someone in a hijab and go, isn't this good? It's great. We're all together again or whatever. That's all it is. It's ceremonial. It's a franchise of a reality show. And they couldn't even do that. They couldn't do that. And Meghan was like, well, we'll come to the UK and I'll be. I'll be welcomed and I'll become Rosa Parks. That's what I'll be. I'll be a civil rights leader. You know, she came back here thinking she was going to be a civil rights leader, okay? And then when that fizzled, she goes, well, I guess I'll just be Martha Stewart. And she did this terrible show on Netflix, which I enjoyed immensely, but other people didn't like, where she talked down to people and said, listen. You fat welfare slobs don't know how to eat. You don't know how to cook fresh food from your garden. Oh, you don't have a garden? You don't know what fork goes with the salad. You're animals, and I'm going to civilize you. And then, you know, that became a big joke. She started releasing jam, trying to sell jam. That became a joke. So now they're going back to the UK. Speaker 4 (10:03) And I guess they're going to, you know, but they better get with the program over there. They better get with the program. And by the way, I think they will. Here's what I think. Here's my prediction. I think they'll go over there and they'll fall in line a little bit. I think they'll fall in line a little bit. And I think basically what's going to happen is they're going to realize they're basically. Speaker 4 (10:30) They are now committed to the lives they are living in the UK. There's no escape. They're not coming over here to Hollywood. By the way, there is no Hollywood. They came back to Hollywood going, we're going to be in Hollywood. There is no Hollywood. It's over. These idiots came back going, oh, we'll just be, I'll be a famous, you're not going to be nothing. It's done. You can't even be what she was 15 years ago, some C-level actress on Suits. Like, you can't even be that now. So they came back and realized that that didn't work. And that was fake. So now they're going to go back to London. And I think, because I think basically they're going to fall in line and basically accept the fact that this is their destiny. That's all they can do. Let's look at a little bit of the news on this. It is not. Speaker 4 (11:34) No one cares and no one should, but let's take a look here. This was an NBC News piece about them leaving our country. Let's see it. Speaker 8 (11:50) Tonight, a royal bombshell nobody saw coming. By the way, Speaker 4 (11:54) stop it for a minute. Everyone saw this. This is how stupid. This is why nobody watches the news anymore, because the news is your stupidest friend. By the way, the news in our country has become the dumbest friend in your group that knows nothing. You know what I mean? Like the person you have to keep explaining. the way the world works too. That is our news media. Now a Royal bombshell. No one saw coming. Everyone saw it coming. There's not one person on earth who didn't see this coming. No one saw this. It's a bombshell. It's not a bombshell. And everyone saw it coming. Continue. Speaker 8 (12:41) Six years after they stepped down as working royals, Prince Harry and his wife Meghan are moving back to the UK along with their two children. The move, the paper says, will make the UK their primary base with Archie and Lilibet, seven and five, to be enrolled in British schools starting in September. When asked by NBC, a spokesperson for the couple did not deny the reports. India, quite the bombshell tonight. How surprised were you and other royal insiders? I Speaker 1 (13:09) think it's fair to say that it has caught everybody off guard. I think it's very important for Prince Harry, for his children, to understand his own British heritage, his upbringing, the family that they are a part of on this side of the Atlantic. For now, The Telegraph reports the couple will Speaker 8 (13:24) not be reprising their roles as working royals, will not live in a royal residence, and their security arrangements still unclear. Speaker 8 (13:33) The couple left the UK for California in part because of what they said was unbearable treatment by the tabloids. Prince Harry's memoir later frayed tensions, describing the breakdown in the relationship with his brother and father. Last month, Harry was- Speaker 4 (13:47) Here, stop it for a second. You always forget he's a rat, you know? Like, he writes this book about his family and just trashes his family, you know? They really are detestable characters. Like, it's easy to make- you know, make light of it, and we should, and it is fun, but they're truly detestable characters, and they just trashed, you know, their entire family. Now, I do that all the time, but my family doesn't pay for me to live in a fucking castle. God, I'd keep my mouth shut if that was the case. You know, if people, you know, listen, I tell stories from, you know, the way I grew up and whatever. But by the way, if you're a royal, just keep your mouth shut. I can't believe this guy released a book where he trashes his brother and his family. And he's a really, you know, here's the thing about Prince Harry. He's kind of like an unremarkable guy. He's just, you know, yeah, you were in the military or whatever, you know. But you're lucky you were born into the royal family. His book should have been two sentences. Boy, am I lucky I was born into the royal family. Speaker 4 (15:00) Boy, am I lucky. I look around the world and I go, wow, I could have been born into anything, but I was born into this royal family where I essentially get to exist and live the way people lived centuries ago for no reason. There's no reason that he's living the way he's living it, that they can, who's going to pay for their security? What are their security arrangements? Who gives a fuck? No one's trying to kill them. Nobody is trying to whack these people. And they're convinced that everywhere they go, because he married a woman who like looks a tiny bit ethnic. You know what I mean? He acts like he married like fucking Glorilla or something. He married a woman who looks like it looks as a tiny bit of melanin in her skin. And they act like white supremacists are charging the door. Speaker 4 (16:03) They're going back. They won't be working royals. So they're just going to be annoying. They'll just be annoying in the UK and bother them. And good, by the way. Good riddance. We miss you. We wish you well. I hope their marriage lasts. I'm a believer in family. I'm a believer in children having parents that love each other. And good luck there. Good luck there. And, um... We don't, by the way, she should go to the UK and immediately take up like Prince Andrew's cause and say he was completely railroaded. And she should, her job should be to get the pedophile Prince Andrew back into the royal family. And that's what she should do. She should go back there and say the treatment that Prince Andrew has suffered is completely out of control. So there you go. Harry and Meghan. I hope if I tour in the UK, I hope they come. I really do. I hope they come. Everybody all the time is talking about quints. And I'm telling you, it's all about fewer, better clothing pieces. They're made from premium materials built to last and designed to become the ones you reach for day after day. 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Like, I had no idea that was. You know what I mean? I had no idea how that was manufactured. But when you have an ethical factory, all the people that make the clothes at the quince factories, this is true, and a lot of people don't know this, sing while they work. And it's not forced. You know what I mean? It's not like, sing or I'll get you. It's just kind of a, we're making clothes for quince. We're making the clothes for quince. And they're so, cotton makes you warm. And they sing. And I visited the Quinn's factories, the ethical factories. I visited them. I wouldn't lie. I never have. And I go there and they're singing. I walk into the Quinn's factory and a little guy came up, like not deformed, but it was of course a little guy, you know, like he came up, he had a hot cocoa, kind of like. I wouldn't want to say L for Santa's workshop. That's reductive. I don't want to do that. But it was just kind of a little fun guy, you know, and he was like, he goes, Mr. Dillon, welcome to the Quince. Because he had this weird, you know, it was kind of, you couldn't really identify the accent. He goes, welcome to the Quince Ethical Factory. And I go, whoa, it's so good to be here. I love you guys. I love your clothes. And he's like, would you like to see the... Would you like to see the main production center? And I go, yes, I'd love to see it. And he opens the store and there's just singing and the smells of chocolate and everybody is happy and they love making these clothes. They love making these Quinn's clothes. And that's what I'm happy about. Truly, like that to me is because some of these factories, people aren't as happy. But if you go to the Quince factory, funny story from the Quince factory, and then we'll get out of here, but funny story from the Quince factory, okay? 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