False Hope

The Secret Room | True Stories - Ben Hamm

Grace shares her traumatic experience of being raped at 15, her decision to terminate the resulting pregnancy, and how unresolved guilt resurfaced decades later. She reflects on isolation, betrayal, and eventual healing

Key takeaways

• Guilt from trauma can persist for years

Transcript preview

Hey everyone, Ben here. Sometimes people ask me where on earth do all the secrets come from that are told on the secret room? The answer is simple, they come from you, the listener. And what qualifies as a secret? Well, it could be something that you don't tell anybody now, or something from your past. It could be somebody else's secret that had an impact on you. Our secrets range from the deep and profound, all the way to the light and the whimsical. Many of my guests have said they wanted to tell a secret on the show, but they just didn't think they just didn't think they had one. until they had one, until they realized that it's all these years. So what's holding you back from submitting yours? If it's something you've been holding on to but you just need a space to let it go, you can set it free right here anonymously. Just click the share a secret button at secretroom pod.com to send it right to me. I can hardly wait to hear from you. And now on to today's show. A heads up. This episode contains references to a rape and a description of a suicide attempt that some listeners may find distressing. You all remember Grace, the strong fierce woman who at the young age of 15 survived a brutal rape by two men. Selflessly, for reasons she discussed, she shielded her family from it and didn't tell us all. Grace told us about the struggles she faced in our previous episode. Moonlight should be beautiful. The rape resulted in a pregnancy which she made the heartbreaking decision to terminate. Hi Ben, my name is Grace and been debating for years whether or not I should share my secret. I think that I think but it's a hard story. I was raped when I was a teen but now some things happened in my 30s that has given me second thoughts. A big part of me thinks this is my karma and my punishment. My secrets what I'm now facing as an adult. And now as an adult the past has come rushing back in the form of a medical diagnosis forcing her to rethink that unbearable decision she made as a team. We pick up with grace where our last episode ended. Her best friend had taken her to the clinic The family emergency meant he couldn't stay, leaving Grace in the lurch. What was she going to do? Oh my gosh, so he left you at the clinic? Well, I, so I told him it's okay. I said I'll figure it out. I had already been told that I could proceed with the abortion without having somebody vouch to take me home. which means that I would have to feel absolutely everything. Oh my God. And so I chose to do that because I wanted to feel everything. You wanted to feel the pain? Yes. I think that I deserved it and that that was my punishment. You did not deserve it. That I needed to feel it. Yes. I think that I deserved it. You did not deserve it. That I needed to feel it. Yes. I think that I deserved it. I did not deserve it, right? I do know, but I still think that I had to feel it, because it was still a decision that I didn't really want to make, but I feel like I had to for my own sanity. I just knew I couldn't. How would be be, that was brought into this world out of love, that wasn't out of love. I just I couldn't. So I wanted to feel everything and I felt it. I really felt it was it was not pleasant. Must have been awful. It was horrible. Yeah, it must have been awful. I was all alone and I remember sitting in the lobby waiting to be called and I was all alone and I remember sitting in the lobby waiting to be called and there was all these people in there of all ages. had someone with them whether it was their mom or a friend or their significant other and I was by myself and I remember all of these people were so happy which is so weird to me because I was breaking up down and falling apart minute by minute they were all just smiling like it didn't matter and I kept thinking you guys clearly conceived out of love mistake or not planned, but you have somebody that you love. And you're happy about this decision you're making. And here I am regretting my decision, but knowing I have to make it because if I don't, I won't be able to give this baby the love and the life it needs. And I was shattered. And I, I felt like I was being pulled in all directions and it's like I felt like I was being pulled in all directions and it's like I felt like I felt like I had and they were both just yelling in my ears and one was telling me you can go back home and the other was saying no you can't and I just kept staring at all these people and that's when I looked down at the table next to me and instead of magazines they had a journal I picked up this journal and it was full man of stories stories of people who have made this decision as well. Stories of trials, tribulations of hope of love. I mean we all have a reason of why we're there. And that really helped me because a lot of those stories related to me. And so that's when I realize you know some of these people... Maybe, you know, they're in a different path in their life, but they have their reasons of why they're choosing to do this, just like I have mine, and I can't really judge that or assume anything. Did the journal give you comfort? It did. It gave me a lot of comfort because I didn't feel alone anymore. Did you make an entry? I thought about it. so much. I don't know if I would have even had time to ride it all down, you know, and so I didn't. So after the procedure, you went back to the waiting room and was your friend there? Did he make it back? He actually had texted me that he wouldn't be able to and I later let him know what my plan was. I didn't fully go into detail. He didn't want him. to feel like he was a part in my pain. But I just said, no worries. I figured it out and I have a right. And I did. I ended up calling a friend who lived in the area. Did your friend pick you up at the clinic? Yes. So did your friend know what you had done? No. So I actually walked. There was a clinic and then a few. maybe like half a mile past the clinic. There was a I don't remember if it was a adult del Taco or if it was a jack on the box or something or some taco shop restaurant. So she picked me up there but this friend at the time she she's just a very spaszy person and she was such a stoner too so I don't think that she even she didn't even ask me what I was doing there. Yeah, I just said, oh, you know, I just need a ride back home. My car's being worked on, but she didn't ask, you know, most people were like, your car's being worked on up here. Mm-hmm. And how are you going to get up? Like, no, she's, okay. Which I was thankful for. I didn't really want to answer any questions, you know. Of course not. Yeah. But you know, the following, I want to say, week and a week and a half. There's just something about the abortion that I thought would have just given me instant relief But it didn't because for about a week and a half I was severely bleeding still from the procedure and Just the worst pain and cramps and just everything and it was just reliving it all over again. Were you able to hide that? Yeah because you know growing up my dad has three girls so we've always been very open and honest about everything in my family as far as womanhood so and I've always been very clean so I'm my sisters with stuff rolling things around to throw it away and stuff but I I wasn't trying to hide it simply because I'm like they'll just think I'm on my period. is probably what they just assumed. I mean that's what it felt like it was just heavier and I still had cramps and all that. It just lasted a little longer. Have you missed any school as a result of any of this? No. Amazing. Now the twin went to another school. Right. Isaac went to your school? Yes. And the awful girl who dropped you off there and sped off. school? Yes. Did you see either of them at school? Oh yeah absolutely so obviously when the rape had happened that was a Saturday. So Sunday came and went I had to go back to school Monday and see her and I remember I confronted her but I didn't tell her what happened I remember I was angry and I just told her, Yeah, she said. She just shrugged and she said, what do you mean? And I was like, you left me there. Did you know? Yeah, I was like, did you know who was there? And she says, yeah, that was Isaac's house. So I don't think, Ben, that she knew the twin was there. But then in my heart of hearts, I'm just like, but you were literally telling me before we got in your car. Oh my God, how cool he's into you, he's into you, he has. tongue ring. So is it a coincidence or did you really not know? Yeah and she said that night that it was Frank's house. Yeah. So did you reconcile that at all? So it was just not adding up. No, no because I said you told me we were going to Frank's house but now you're telling me you knew it was Isaac's house and then she said well yeah I just thought Frank was there because they're friends which they were. You were. But then I said, okay, but if that's the case, you didn't get off. If you thought he was in that house, you still didn't get off. You drove away knowing that you left me there and you never came back. And what she said? She just said, I don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't trying to do anything. I'm sorry if you think that I was setting you up for anything. And honestly, Ben, I just left it like that. You, that. You know, you, you know, there's a part of me that wishes now that I'm you know soon to be 34 that I would have fought back a little more but when you go through something so traumatic you're just so full of shame that at least for me I just wanted to forget this girl is as much of a monster as the other two I agree she set you up yeah I agree I think that a part of her whether she knew the twin was there or not I mean she she knew she was late me at someone's house. And even if I would have said, hey, drop me off here for a bit, you don't do that. You know, you take care of your friends. You don't just let your friend think that she's going to have a fun time and have sex when she's so drunk. I think she knew what was going on. I think she cared more about her own, you know, fleeing and wanting to do her thing. That she didn't even second-guess. what could have happened to me. Did you at least get your person phone back? Yeah I did. I got it that day because obviously it was in her car. And honestly the hardest part was she was still friends with my sister right so for the next two to three years I still had to see her. And Isaac. Yeah. You know after all this happened, eventually I became a sophomore and they were juniors. I started making my own friends outside of that group, however still being very close with Al, the one who took me to the place. But yeah, a part of me just kind of parted ways from that group. I did hang out with him for a while and I tried to just enjoy my high school years and kind of kept her at distance as best as I could. I did hang out with him for a while and I tried to just enjoy my high school years and kind of kept her at a distance as best as I could because she was so part of the friend group. Did you ever have words with Isaac? It's funny you asked that because literally Monday, two days after the incident. It was during passing periods, I was pretty much walking down the front entry way of the school and he was walking the opposite way. And I remember as we were walking our eyes locked. And words could speak and I'm not trying to give him sympathy but you could just see the regret in his eyes and as we started getting closer to each other our shoulders grazed and it's kind of like you see in the movie in slow mow I just felt his hand start grazing my arm and he grabbed my wrist and said we need a talk and I pulled away from him and I said I have nothing to say to you and I walked away And for about a couple weeks as much as he could he tried and tried to talk to me and I just I was not ready I did not want to and eventually he reached out to me via Facebook and Pretty much apologized for everything not that any of it mattered Oh. Hollow words I told him you ruined my life. Um You'll know. You'll never get that back. For you're, it doesn't matter. So sorry. And I don't think men understand that for them losing their rigidity might not be as big of a deal as it is for a woman. You know, but for me trying to do everything by the book and trying to do right by my parents, but for myself, he didn't understand that his apology meant nothing. Well, and beyond that it was such an act of violence. Well that too, but also like, how can you think saying I'm sorry is going to fix anything? It's not going to give me anything back. I lost everything. He must have been really worried that you were going to talk to somebody about it and that he was going to face consequences. Yeah, I think so. I know the twin was because he definitely reached out real quick and pretty much threatened me for me for me. that if I said anything, he would kill my family, he would kill me, he knows how to get away with it, he knows people, and I believed it, Ben, I believed it because he was psychotic. I didn't say anything, and you know what? He was also more concerned about the fact that he didn't want me disclosing anything because his girlfriend was going to find out what he did. Oh, please. His girlfriend needs to know. And he, and he, and his girlfriend,