What A Time To Be Alive! - Marina Hyde [EXCLUSIVE EXTRACT]

The Rest Is Entertainment

Marina Hyde delivers a satirical critique of modern celebrity culture and the erosion of privacy through various media spectacles. She exami

Key takeaways

• The Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial is presented as a symbol of 'low stakes' modern entertainment and wellness culture.
• Princess Diana's 'ghost' serves as a recurring motif in prestige television like The Crown and psychic performances.

Main topics

• Celebrity legal battles
• Royal family media presence

Notable quotes

I literally could not care less what it was.

Conclusion

The episode serves as a poignant observation on how the boundaries bet

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:10) Hi guys, this is Marina. I hope you're all very well. My new book, What a Time to be Alive, is out now. And I'm really excited to say that on this feed, we have a chapter from the audiobook. Obviously, I have picked one. with lots of celebrities and entertainment in it. So we have Brooklyn seceding from the Beckhams, the Gwyneth Paltrow scheme massacre trial. I very much hope you enjoy it. But as I say, the book's out now, but if audiobooks are more your thing, there is a big extended interview with me on that format as a bonus, conducted by none other than my beloved Richard Osman. So anyway, there you go. What a Time to Be Alive, out now. Speaker 1 (0:49) Chapter 1. Media Spectacles, Spectacular and Otherwise. Speaker 1 (0:56) Television adhered to the decree of Duchess Meghan and allowed us to experience wonder in every moment. From the no-stakes legal maelstrom of the Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial to Princess Di's ghost hamming away furiously in the crown, the possibilities of the medium were explored in dazzling fashion. Strictly Come Dancing continued its long stint as the prime piece of formatted entertainment across which all UK culture wars must be fought. while Saoirse Ronan failed to understand the assignment and said something interesting, unprepared and unexpected on a chat show. Ideally, it won't catch on. Speaking of things unlikely to catch on, car manufacturer Jaguar unveiled a peak woke advert precisely two weeks after the watershed moment of Donald Trump's re-election, after which you couldn't sell a single share in woke, much less a pink car with a six-figure price tag. Meanwhile, our longtime alternative royal family, the Beckhams, caught a nasty case of the Windsors. Did Gwyneth Paltrow ski into a retired optometrist? I couldn't care less, but the farce is unmissable. 28th of March, 2023. A star-struck lawyer, a neutrals-clad wellness guru, this has to be the lowest stakes court battle of all time. Speaker 1 (2:19) To Park City, Utah, currently seen of one of the great pleasures of modern life, a court battle that you'd be intensely relaxed for either side to lose. Yes, it's the Gwyneth Paltrow ski massacre trial. Take your seats for a preposterously camped battle between a well-to-do retired optometrist, who says the high priestess of Fanny Steaming skied into him, and her majesty herself, who says he skied into her. Why is this not happening at the Hague? Sorry, but no sense of occasion. Before we go any further, I want to make a deeply serious point. Something happened that day. Something happened on that mountain, in that luxury ski resort up there in God's Cathedral. And, like anyone who has watched either the plaintiff or the defendant on the stand at any length, I literally could not care less what it was. I mean, this is as low stakes as it gets. Asked about what had been taken from her by the events on the Deer Valley slopes, Paltrow delivered the sociopathically straight-to-meme line, Well, I lost half a day of skiing. Bear in mind this is a woman who claims that water has feelings. For his part, Terry Sanderson's lawyer put things into perspective by declaring, After the crash, he's no longer charming. We'll come on to the charmecidal maniac slash wronged wellness guru in a moment. First, a reminder that Mr. Sanderson is seeking $300,000 in damages, which, to us country mice on this side of the Atlantic, feels a little eye-catching. Of course, we have only an outsider's grasp of the baroque flourishes of the U.S. legal system. But we surely know that any citizen of that great nation making some kind of personal injury claim understands that this is America and asks for at least $30 million just as a point of principle. Then again, having watched him, I think I'm on the verge of understanding why Mr. Sanderson values his lost charm at a mere $300,000. Speaker 1 (4:20) In reality, so well adjusted is our early 21st century system of social capital that there are few better ways to accrue charm than from starring in the Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial. This seems to have been something once dimly grasped by Mr. Sanderson, who emailed his daughters in the immediate wake of the accident with the possibly unfortunate subject line, I'm famous, at what cost? As for whether the collision put him off skiing ever again, on Monday he revealed he tried not to go back, but eventually overrode himself and took several skiing trips, albeit dressed in slightly traumatised paws. This ungodly-looking red fluorescent outfit that I bought. Stakes, dear boy, stakes. Speaker 1 (5:05) Arguably, Terry's most compelling proof that he suffered a brain injury is his choice of lawyer, who makes Lionel Hutz look like Cicero. At one point in the proceedings, Kristen Van Ornan almost squealed, I am so jealous, I have to wear four-inch heels just to make it to five foot five. They're very nice, lied Gwyneth. You're not trained in accident reconstruction, ran another gambit. Me? asked Gwyneth. No. Neither am I, chortled Kristen. A few years ago, Gwyneth stopped acting to focus on her lifestyle brand goop, and I would be overjoyed if she now stopped that to focus on starring in court cases serving up this level of farm-to-table hilarity. Private security for my client wanted to bring in treats for the bailiffs for how helpful they've been, announced her lawyer one morning. So I wanted to do that transparently and see if there are any objections. Alas, there were some objections. That basic bitch Lady Justice apparently says Madam can't treat basket her way out of this one. But you can't keep a good wellness entrepreneur down. Every aesthetically challenging day in that hideous orange Utah legal facility, Gwyneth has swept in wearing Category 5 neutrals, hopefully drawn from her own brand's courtroom casuals line. Though all Gwyneth's garments are made from the neck hairs of these really incredible Himalayan goats, to whose sheddings a normie like you could never have access. do be reassured they will be lovingly ripped off in Neverpill nylon and available later this year as Halloween costumes. Just as Goop is a place where food is never eaten, but instead grabbed or reached for, so it is that one of the best things Gwyneth's website can say about any outfit is that it takes you effortlessly from one part of your day to another. In this case, from pursing your lips in court to making that evening's waiter give you the resume and achievements of every ingredient in the biodynamic salad, before pursing your lips once more and hissing, no thank you, I'll just have broth. As for any lessons that might be drawn from this appallingly entertaining courtroom dramedy, I'm afraid I can only return to an oldie but a goodie. Never litigate. Never litigate unless you absolutely positively have to. And as far as anyone can see, Mr. Sanderson didn't have to. We already know what Gwyneth Paltrow's like. But we now know, from Terry's own testimony, that he ordered his former girlfriend to leave him after he began his legal journey as I knew she didn't buy into it. My interaction with my family has been difficult, he reflected yesterday. Something is wrong with my essence and what I bring to the table with them. Earlier, one of his daughters had testified that he was obsessed with the trial, while another's deposition declared he was emotionally abusive and quick to anger before the 2016 collision. Speaker 1 (8:00) Whatever the thread count of this dirty linen, is it worth it? For anyone other than the countless mind-boggled spectators, the answer can only be no. Diana's ghost in The Crown? Darling, what's new? She's the hardest-working spectre in showbiz. 17th of October, 2023. Thanks to psychics and Hollywood actors, she's never wanted for work, and she'll be a real vision in Netflix's prestige drama. Speaker 1 (8:34) There is spine-tingling supernatural news from The Crown, a TV show that takes itself considerably more seriously than the actual royal family. This has never been a programme that wears the Prestige TV label as lightly as have other jewels of the era, preferring instead to drag it like a ten-tonne weight into every scene, while some of the finest actors of their generations pretend to be things like Sad About The News or Princess Anne. Giggling away with a drink and a packet of crisps, I often wonder if I am its only disloyal subject. Surely not. For a long time, I really couldn't believe anyone took it seriously and assumed it must be in on the joke itself. A Nicolas Cage of a show, if you will. I can't quite decide whether this position has been bolstered or undermined by the high camp news that the forthcoming final series is to feature the ghost of Princess Diana. According to reports, and it's not out yet, so the usual caveats, the ghost appears to both Prince Charles and the late Queen. The Queen sees her while planning the funeral arrangements and starts crying, having been told she taught us what it means to be British. To Charles, who is apparently shown sobbing over her body in a Paris morgue, Diana's ghost reportedly says, Thank you for how you were in the hospital. So raw, broken, and handsome. Ooh, I'll take that with me. You know I loved you so much. So deeply, so painfully too. That's over now. It will be easier for everyone with me gone. Can this genuinely be the dialogue? I certainly hope so. Having said all that, I have kept a close eye on the appearances of Princess Di's ghost since her death. I'm not her talent agent or anything. Indeed, the post-death CV I am about to showcase might cause you to wonder if she even has reputable theatrical representation in the afterlife. But once you start, patterns do begin to suggest themselves. One of the most regular jobs Diana's Ghost takes, for example, is appearing to actors who are going to play her to communicate how completely okay she is with their decision. And, dare they hint, kind of honoured. Kristen Stewart, who was Diana in the 2021 film Spencer, felt some spooky spiritual feelings making this movie. I felt there were moments where I kind of got the sign off. It was the same for Naomi Watts, who gave us her Diana in an eponymous 2013 film. There were definitely moments when I felt Diana's presence, explained Watts. I found myself constantly asking for her permission to carry on. There was one particular moment where I felt her permission was granted. Hmm. Elsewhere, Diana's ghost has an eye for an occasion. Before this crown booking, she most recently appeared to, or rather was heard by, some viewers of ITV's broadcast of the Queen's funeral. As the hearse headed out of London towards Windsor, a woman's voice could be heard saying, the death is irreversible, and the fact that she's trapped, before a male commentator hastily cut in. Really a very competitive booking from ITV there, who do suffer with people reflexively watching the big events on the BBC. Speaking of big events, Diana's former psychic and energy healer, Simone Simmons, is still able to hear her ghost, even over the sound of cash registers. I know a lot of people aren't going to like it, hazarded Simmons in 2017, but she said we've got to vote for Brexit. Britain was great economically and production-wise before we joined the EU. She was interested in the referendum and suggested I vote to leave because Britain was really great before the EU. Righto. During Covid, Diana's ghost seems to have fallen in with an Australian anti-masker. Then, in 2018, a Japanese spiritual leader announced the deceased princess had been in touch to reveal that England will experience another revolution. Also, I prefer Islam. Then again, Diana's a great lover of pubs, frequenting the England's Rose in Oxfordshire, formerly the Feathers, and several others, even if her chat tends towards the predictable. Like many with their gift, is it? Psychics frequently reveal that she has told them that Kate is perfect, but she can't be doing with Megan. Not that her royal spectralness is always welcome. A parson was reportedly called to Sandringham in 2001 after the servants refused to work in one chamber. The parson said, wrote the Mail's long-time royal correspondent Kenneth Rose in volume two of his diaries, 1979 to 2014, that the oppressive or disturbing atmosphere may have been because of Princess Diana. Speaker 1 (13:26) A poor show, but it must be said that work-wise, the 2000s for Diana's Ghost had the humiliating flavour of John Travolta's 1980s. 2003 found her appearing in a pay-per-view séance in the US. The DVD of this televisual horror show is emblazoned with the words, banned in Great Britain, which would sadly have limited the presumably much-needed royalties available to its naturalised American presenter. former Avengers star Patrick McNee. McNee certainly looks to be thinking of the paycheck as he watches psychics compete to get the best content from Other Side Die. Speaker 1 (14:05) For someone who in life could pick up the phone to the likes of Elton John or Liza Minnelli for a sensational gossip, it must feel a bit of a comedown having to spend