Let Them: How to Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Mel Robbins introduces a new three-part framework, 'Me, We, and Them,' to help listeners apply the 'Let Them Theory' to difficult relationsh
Key takeaways
- The 'Me, We, and Them' framework helps identify what is within your control versus what belongs to others.
- Using Terry Real's communication formula—'This is what happened, this is the story I'm telling myself, and this is what I need'—can de-escalate conflict during 'We' conversations.
Main topics
- The Let Them Theory
- Me, We, and Them Framework
Notable quotes
If you change nothing, nothing changes.
Conclusion
Listeners gain a practical toolkit for maintaining emotional stability
Transcript preview
Speaker 3 (0:00) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited you're here because today you and I are going to talk about my favorite topic, relationships, and we're also going to dig into the let them theory in a brand new way. I love the let them theory. I love the fact that more than 11... million of you have read this book in just one year. It is a lifeline. It has given you so much more power and peace. It has helped you have better relationships. And I'm going to be answering the single biggest question that I have been asked since writing this book. I get asked this question a hundredfold more than any other question. And it's this, Mel, how do I use the let them theory with People in my life that I'm worried about, they frustrate me, or they're just plain freaking difficult. What am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to just let my mother ruin my life? Let my son be unmotivated in his job? Let my partner leave their stuff all over the apartment? Let my friend guilt trip me all the time? No, you're not supposed to do that. You have power. And today, I'm going to teach you a brand new framework. I've never taught this on the podcast. It's a simple framework that you're going to use in every relationship in your life where you're frustrated, stressed out, or you just wish things would change. If you're tired of being the bigger person, today, I'm going to make you smarter. I'm going to teach you how to use a simple framework and the let them theory to remove the stress, the friction, and frustration, and focus on the one thing that you can control. You, you have power. And when you change the things we're going to talk about today in your frustrating relationships, absolutely everything will change. For Speaker 1 (1:54) many of us, going further isn't a choice. It's a feeling we can't ignore because ambition has a way of outgrowing where it began, turning dreams into direction. Every journey brings us closer to the life we imagine. Speaker 1 (2:17) So, where will your journey take you? Etihad. Beyond Borders. Speaker 3 (2:29) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so fired up for our conversation today. I love talking about the Let Them Theory, and I have not talked about the Let Them Theory or done an episode on it in over a year. It's such an honor to be together and to spend this time with you. And if you're a new listener or you're here because somebody shared this episode with you, I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Today, you and I are going to dig into the let them theory in a brand new way, using specific examples from your fellow listeners about difficult dynamics with the people that they love. The aging parents who won't take care of themselves, partners and relationships where you just can't do anything right. The family members who create so much drama. The friend who is suddenly mean and you don't know what you did. The people who leave you frustrated. worried, exhausted. Your life gets better the moment you change how you're dealing with the situation. And we're going to start doing that today. When you're in a relationship that doesn't work, there are two people in the relationship contributing to the dynamic. And trust me, I didn't want to hear that either because I personally love to blame other people when I'm not getting along with other people. But maybe, just maybe, your people-pleasing is part of the problem. Maybe walking on eggshells is contributing to the dynamic. Maybe giving them too much of your time is part of the problem. Maybe explaining away the disrespect is keeping you in a relationship you need to leave. Maybe never ever having the hard conversation is what's making the relationship hard. Or maybe how often you're showing up and you're trying to make things better, hoping things will change. That's actually part of the problem. Doesn't it make sense that you should change your strategy? Shouldn't you focus 100 % of your energy on the part of this relationship dynamic that you can change, which is you? See, when you change your attitude or your approach or the amount of time you put into the relationship or you change the way you're having conversations, you have the power. because you create the conditions for everything to change. And we're going to talk today about three mistakes that I've made in all of my relationships and what to do instead, because these are three mistakes that you're probably making right now in the situation that you're in. Speaker 2 (5:00) And Speaker 3 (5:00) because every single situation and relationship in your life is personal and different, and I don't have the specific details, and I'm also not a therapist, I'm not going to give you specific advice. I'm going to teach you a framework that has helped me profoundly in my relationships. And it's a framework that helps me figure out what the right response is given the specific situation. And that's what you're going to leave with today. Okay, so let's talk about the first of the three mistakes that you're making in relationships with other people. Mistake number one, you expect someone else to change. You do. And it's a giant mistake to do so. And I'm going to teach you a different way to approach situations where you're expecting someone else to change. And we're going to do it by answering a question from your fellow listener named Teresa. Teresa has an incredibly demanding job. She's a school administrator. And then she comes home like so many people do. And she has another full-time job trying to manage the health of her 68-year-old mother. But here's the thing. Her mother doesn't listen to her. Her mother doesn't do any of the things that Teresa wants her to do. In fact, her mother doesn't even do what her doctors are telling her to do to take better care of herself. And as you listen, here's what I want you to think about. Who in your life does this feel like? Who in your life are you concerned about? Who in your life do you wish would take better care of themselves? Who in your life is just being so stubborn and it's stressing you out? And frankly, it might be scaring you. Speaker 2 (6:44) Hi, my mom lives in her own home on our property. She has diabetes. She has liver disease. She does not take care of herself. I cook a lot of meals and healthy meals, but a lot of times she will let them go to waste and eat a drumstick or a frozen burrito or something like that for dinner. I am the only child who lives in town and she lives with me. I struggle between essentially just letting her sit there and rot and trying to help care for her. I'll take days off work to take her to the doctor and she will just cancel at the last minute after I've made the plans to do that. I love her, but I don't want to be around her. She's always so negative. So I am like trying to support her in this really dark place that she's at without losing myself in the process. And it's hard. Love your advice. Speaker 3 (7:56) You know, as heavy as that is, it's an incredibly relatable situation. There are so many people around the world that are dealing with this right now. And so I just want to start by thanking Teresa for sharing such a personal question and giving so many details because I bet as you heard her speaking, you could hear the exhaustion. You could hear the sadness. You could hear the discouragement. And maybe you feel that right now. And there were two things that she said that really struck me. I love my mom, but I don't want to be around her. I want to be able to offer support without losing myself. This is a very personal situation, and there are serious consequences if the dynamic doesn't change. And the same is true with any type of situation like this that you or somebody that you love are dealing with, because basically you're in a standoff. You're in a standoff with this person that you care about, and the stakes are super, super high. If you change nothing, nothing changes. I'm going to say it again. If you change nothing, nothing changes. But if you change one thing, everything could change. And the one thing you can change is how you show up differently because you are never going to change your mother. And so let's talk about this brand new framework, okay, that I want you to start to use in any relationship where you have an issue with someone else. And the framework is very simple. It is me, we, and them. Say it again. Me, we, and them. And in each of these three different things in every relationship, me, we, and them, we're going to look at using the let them theory. What can I control with me? What can I control with we? What can I control with them? As a way to help you navigate specific situations with other people. And just to remind you, in case you don't know what the let them theory is, it's just a boundary. It's the most powerful boundary in the world. It's a boundary that shows you immediately what is in your control and what is not in your control. So let's start with me. Me means creating space for yourself. And I want you to focus always when you look at me with the positive and what's going well. All right, well, let me tell you what's going well. Give yourself some credit. You're an extraordinary daughter. Your mother is so lucky to have someone in her life who continues to care about her, to love her, to offer support, even when she keeps saying no. So of course this is affecting you. In fact, I think the fact that you're worried and exhausted and frustrated and looking for a different way to approach this is a sign that you're having a mentally healthy response to a very difficult situation. And so one of the things that I want you to think about when you think about me is creating space for yourself to get support, whether that's speaking to a therapist. or a qualified mental health professional who can help you process the stress and continue to talk through the situation. Or maybe you've got a really good friend who's been dealing with the same thing or has dealt with the same thing with a parent or a loved one. You do not need to carry the emotional weight of this by yourself, and I don't want you to. That's the me part. This is what's going well. This is what's really hard for me right now. Okay, good. Second piece, we. The we part of the framework is now what do you want to do about the relationship? And it's very clear you want to be in a relationship with your mom. You want to see your mom get healthy. You want to provide support if she'll accept it, which means in that case, the we part means having an honest conversation about the relationship and how it's impacting you. This is not another conversation about your mother. It's not a conversation about what she needs to do. It's not a lecture about