You Can't Do It All: Five Years Straight of Breastfeeding and the Reckoning at Home | Victoria Tice
The ManFlu | Exploring Gender Dynamics, Partnerships & Raising Boys Who Care
In this episode of The ManFlu, host Lucy McAfee interviews Victoria Tice, a mother of two who has exclusively breastfed her sons for nearly five years without pumps or bottles. Through candid conversation, Victoria shares how the
Key takeaways
- Exclusive breastfeeding over five years created an unsustainable physical and emotional burden without visible support from her partner.
- The difference in paternity leave duration between her two children dramatically impacted her recovery and highlighted unequal caregiving expectations.
Main topics
- Exclusive breastfeeding beyond the first year
- The mental load in marriage
Notable quotes
"I was still trying to do it all on my own. It was like right at the threshold of I am going to burst if one more thing falls on the plate."
Conclusion
Victoria's journey underscores the importance of visible partnership and intentional communication in parenting. By naming invisible labor,
Transcript preview
Speaker 1 (0:00) Welcome to the man flu, where the flu is just the metaphor. We're not here to hand out tissues. We're here to challenge the cultural norms that keep relationships off balance. I'm Lucy McAfee. I've spent years studying how gender dynamics play out at home. And as a wife and boy mom, I'm living them too. Each week we dig into the old scripts and unspoken rules that often go unquestioned, but still end up running the show. in our marriages, and in how we are raising our kids. You'll hear perspectives from researchers, thinkers, and parents, and Speaker 2 (0:34) leave with one small shift to try with your family. Speaker 1 (0:38) Hi, everyone. This is Lucy. Welcome back to the Man Flu Podcast. This week, I'm joined by Victoria Tice. Victoria is a copywriter, birth doula, yoga teacher, and a mom to two boys. She's been breastfeeding on demand for nearly five years. No pumps, no bottles, just straight from the source. And if that sounds intense, it is. But as you'll hear, it opened up a much bigger conversation about partnership and support in her home. In this episode, we get into what happens when one parent is carrying so much of the physical load, how that shapes the dynamic at home, and the honest, sometimes uncomfortable work it takes to start shifting things. We talk about dividing responsibilities, letting go of control, and the reminder that our boys are always watching, learning what partnership looks like from the home we build in front of them. We recorded this back in the spring. You'll notice a little one wandering in for a quick nurse and a new puppy barking in the background occasionally. It felt exactly right for a conversation about the beautiful and glamorous reality of mom life. Victoria and I caught up again in mid-August and she just officially weaned that week. She said she felt like a whole new woman, grateful for the way she's let motherhood shape her. She was also about to take her very first girls trip since becoming a mom and I couldn't be more excited for her. Hi, Victoria. I'm so glad to have you here today on the Man Flu Podcast. Welcome. Hey, Kel. Glad to be here. Yes. Okay. So we went through this in your intro, but Victoria is a mom to two boys. And one of the interesting things I learned when we had a chance to do a brief intro call is that Victoria has been exclusively breastfeeding for Five years. Yes, ladies, you heard me right. Five years. Now, I also want to be clear because I have a certain definition of exclusive breastfeeding. And with my two boys, I would have told you that I exclusively breastfed them for 10 and 11 months. But Victoria has a different definition of exclusively breastfeeding. I pumped, I did the breast, both pieces, but Victoria has been exclusively breastfeeding. Speaker 1 (3:13) from the breast, right? Is that how we would say it? Yeah, no Speaker 2 (3:17) pumps, no bottles, straight from the source, straight from the tap, going on five years now. So also to be clear, because when we talk about breastfeeding, usually we're really only talking about the first year. I think that's kind of an assumed thing that we're talking about breastfeeding in the first year is that we did introduce foods. We did baby led weaning and we introduced foods at like One of our kids was ready to go six months. The other one was ready to go, but his belly wasn't ready to go. So we waited a little bit longer. And so he did have foods. They did have foods, of course, and they eat well-rounded meals. But they did my first breastfed on demand for three years. And my second is still breastfeeding coming up on his second birthday. Speaker 1 (4:04) And how did we get here, Victoria? How did we make this decision or come to, hey, we're not going to do the bottle thing and we're not going to? go the more traditional route of pumping. Speaker 2 (4:17) It's really kind of funny how I got here because this was not in the plan. And for someone who, I would say I'm like a type A minus. When I see type B mom things, I'm like, ooh, yeah, yep, get that. But I definitely lean towards type A mom. And so you would think that all this time I would have had this plan that it was like my five-year goal to breastfeed, but it really wasn't. As a doula and childbirth educator, I knew I wasn't at the time, but I was very well researched at the time. And I knew that I wanted to give breastfeeding a go. I really wanted to make it happen. But also it was the one thing on my birth and newborn care plan that I held very loosely. Felt like if we can make it happen and it's not working very well, let's get a hold of a lactation consultant. If by one, two months it's not working, here are three different formulas that I'm comfortable with giving a try. And so that's what we did. And we never had any latch issues from the get-go, either kid. So we just kept going. And then as far as not pumping or doing bottles, I guess it just came down to the fact that I saw many people around me pumping. And they were miserable and they hated their pumps and they just seemed deeply depressed. And I actually wasn't deeply depressed, just feeding on demand from the breast. So I didn't want to throw a wrench in it. And also to add to that, we bed shared from birth with both of our children. And so it felt very biologically normal and synchronous for me to just be breastfeeding and not waking up in the middle of the night to pass them off. So my husband could feed them a bottle while I'm in the corner pumping. Like it just, it didn't make sense to me and to us. And so we just kept on and here Speaker 1 (6:17) we are. And here you are five years later. Now you did say you're getting to the point. We have a weaning plan for number two. Mama's got girls trips and some life she's ready to. live Speaker 2 (6:33) differently. I feel so guilty. The mom guilt is real. And I know you and listeners are probably like, but girl, it's been five years. Speaker 1 (6:42) You're off the hook. You're off the hook. Speaker 2 (6:44) But still the guilt persists because I did go three years for Ben. He was a different kid though, who seemed to need that level of comfort and security, especially with a new baby on the scene. Whereas my youngest just. He's different. He's more spirited. He's more adventurous. And it doesn't feel like it's as much of a need and comfort. In August, I have a week-long girls trip, a child-free trip, the first of its kind for me. And I want to be weaned by then. I really do. But if I'm not, I'm also not going to push it. So if he's still feeding every now and then, I might bring like a Haka pump just to really Speaker 1 (7:24) pressure. I've already told you. It's so amazing. So yes, I am with the audience in saying that. I know that guilt isn't logical anyway, but yes, you have done so much. So I would like to shift a little into a lot of our audience likely is not in your unique dynamic of a exclusive breastfeeding and the way the roles had to adjust in your home, given that huge responsibility you were taking on. But I think all of us can learn and relate to. What is the right way we integrate our partner and get the support we need when the physical demand is still very much on us, whether it's straight from the source or, as you said, the pumping? How did you guys start to work through what that then needed to look like for his support to enter in and help balance that for you? Speaker 2 (8:27) Honestly, I think with one child, I was still trying to do it all. I was still trying to do it all on my own. It was like right at the threshold of I am going to burst if one more thing falls on the plate. But I insisted on just doing it all on my own. For context, we both work from home. I scaled back to working maybe 20 hours a week as a freelancer, basically making a full-time salary though, because that's the joy of freelancing at that time that my first was born. And so we had a nanny coming while I was working and she would just kind of pop in with my oldest and breastfeed as needed. And so I. heavily did not ask Kyle for anything. And that was a mistake because that became the standard that became he expected as normal. Like everyone, oh, this is just how it is. This is everyone does this. My wife just totally takes care of sustaining my child. But I was also working part time in a huge capacity. And that was just like 20 hours of work. But it was also. everything in the background that you're also working on as a freelancer to maintain your business. So it felt like I was putting in double, even sometimes triple effort, but I felt like I could handle it. And then at two years, nine months, that's when Will was born. But let me back it up, actually. When Ben turned two, that's when we started trying for Will. And obviously it happened right away. And right away I realized being pregnant, working full time from home and breastfeeding our toddler, our two year old. was becoming extremely overwhelming for me. I was touched out. I felt like I was undernourished. I mean, it's an Olympic sport remaining nourished when you're breastfeeding. It really is. And so I wasn't willing to