When Someone Insults You, Ask Them This

The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

Jefferson Fisher explains how to use strategic questioning to navigate insults and conflict without escalating tension. He introduces three

Key takeaways

• Effective communication relies on finding the right question rather than the fastest comeback.
• Clarifying questions using 'what' or 'how' gather information without making assumptions.

Main topics

• Communication Skills
• Clarifying Questions

Notable quotes

The best communicators are not the ones with the best comebacks... Best communicators are the ones who ask the best questions.

Conclusion

Mastering these questioning techniques provides a powerful way to main

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) I hate to break it to you. The best communicators are not the ones with the best comebacks, the most pithy responses. Best communicators are the ones who ask the best questions. Do you know how hard it is to find the right question? Anybody can have an answer. Anybody can just toss up something, even if it's not true. But a question, finding the right question, takes time and it takes skill. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. Today, I'm gonna make you a better communicator right now because I'm gonna teach you how to ask better questions when somebody is insulting, when somebody is offending, when somebody is pushing against you. I'm gonna teach you tools right here, quick and dirty, on the same type of communication questions that attorneys use, that I use in depositions, cross-examination. There is a whole technique, a whole world of questions that I bet you didn't. even know. And today we're going to talk about it. Also, would you do me a favor if this podcast, as you listen along, says you think, hey, this is something that somebody else would benefit from. Would you do me a favor? If you care about that person, will you just send them this podcast? Will you share it with them? Thank you very much. Questions. It's hard questions. There's that old, I don't know if it's Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, something like that. I think it's, I think it's Lincoln. If they said, if I had. two hours to chop down a tree, I would spend the first hour and a half. I'm taking a lot of liberties with this one. They'd spend the first hour and a half just sharpening their axe. That's what finding the right question is. Answering, easy. Responding, easy. Question asking is a skill. I'll be the first to admit, my son, I've done this my whole life, truly. I even know my, I can tell my kids do this. Speaker 1 (1:51) and maybe you know somebody like this, where if somebody's driving down the road and they go, oh, I wonder what that is. You go, oh, well, I think that's, you know, that's for actually, you know, if you look at the sun, you can tell and you start kind of, I'll just invent an answer. If somebody asks me what this does, I start answering my best guess. And thankfully, Sierra will be like, you don't know. I'll be like, no, I don't know. But I gave it a try. Anybody can just, it doesn't take any skill. to give any answer. It takes skill to ask the right question. Communicators, attorneys, especially in deposition format, when you are asking questions, how you ask it matters a lot. Number one, the first thing I want you to recognize are clarity questions. Clarity questions. What does this mean? When somebody is trying to offend you in some way or somebody pushing against you. That's why I'd prefer that. Let's somebody pushing against you. Clarifying questions are critical. Now you'd say, oh, well, I know what clarifying questions are, Jefferson. It's like, what do you mean? Yeah, that's true. That is one. Most people don't use it like that, though. People think when I clarify, they begin like this. Okay, just to be clear, you're telling me, and you ever used that before? Somebody says something to you and you go, okay, just to be clear. And you start to comment. Hey, just as a heads up, that's not a question. That's a conclusion that's hidden in the form of a question. It's not a real question. It's you trying to position, anchor, to be able to say, okay, let me just get this straight, buddy. Let me go. That's not really a clarifying question. Clarifying question, there are different types, what we call open-ended questions. Open-ended questions are ones that don't assume an answer. Okay? Here's what I... assuming the answer versus not assuming the answer. Assuming the answer says, hey, didn't you go to the store yesterday? Or, hey, how was it at the meeting yesterday? You were upset about the meeting. Versus, hey, where did you go yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Those are open-ended. We're not going to assume the answer. Typically, ones that already assume the answer begin with did, did, or didn't. Didn't you? Speaker 1 (4:13) open-ended questions. Don't assume the answer. Different ways to have it. I want you to see the difference in how the starter of the question changes it. What, how, when, where, who, and why. Okay, I'm going to hit these very quickly. What has to do with information? You are gathering information that you don't have. What happened? What happened next? Speaker 1 (4:39) What do you mean by that? I'm getting that information below the surface. It's seeking information. How is a process question. How did that happen? How did you do that? How did you learn that? It's asking for process. Who is identifying where? It's asking for location. That's pretty obvious. When is more of an anchor question. It's solidifying something in time. Here's the one that you don't want to do most of the time, and that is why. Why is seeking justification? And we don't like when somebody asks me to justify my position. It feels like you're questioning my autonomy. Imagine if... You just made a, I don't know, a paper airplane. And you really spent some time on it. And I just went up right behind you and go, why'd you do like that? How are you going to feel? How are you going to feel? You're going to feel like, what are you? Because I wanted to. That's why, Jefferson. There are certain ways