How to Shut Down Someone Trying to Provoke You

The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

In this call-in episode of The Jefferson Fisher Podcast, host Jefferson Fisher addresses listener questions on managing emotional triggers,

Key takeaways

• Using neutral phrases like 'maybe so' or 'that's interesting' can defuse confrontational statements without escalating conflict.
• Setting a simple, lighthearted boundary—such as not discussing politics at dinner—can prevent recurring provocations.

Main topics

• Dealing with emotional provocation in family settings
• Setting healthy boundaries during conflict

Notable quotes

Maybe so. Yeah, maybe it is. Maybe it's not.

I'd rather hear about you.

Conclusion

Jefferson Fisher emphasizes that emotional regulation begins with self-acceptance and clear

Transcript preview

Speaker 5 (0:00) When a family member throws something out there that's kind of hurtful, whether it be politics related or religious related, just to arise or to hurt or to wound you, how to best approach that, not taking the bait, being a wet blanket, all of those things, just some phrases that can maybe help because it is hurtful and not saying anything, you kind of feel like you're left carrying it. So I'd appreciate your thoughts on that. Thanks so much. Speaker 1 (0:29) When that family member is trying to put something out in the middle of the room, knowing that it's going to ruffle some feathers, knowing that it might put some salt in the wound, this is where I want you to go. Number one, very easy wet blanket neutral statements is the noted. Got it. Thank you for that. One of my favorites is maybe so. Yeah, maybe so. Has a very quick, easy way of just settling the conversation because you're saying, I'm not agreeing, I'm not disagreeing. Yeah, maybe it is. Maybe it's not. Yeah, maybe so. Or that's interesting. These short, neutral phrases that they can't do anything with. They can't fight that. They can't argue against that. When you say maybe so, there's nothing they can say to try and push against that. Number two, if you need to. Put up a simple boundary, okay? Put up a simple boundary of, hey, I'm not going to discuss politics at the dinner table. If this is where it's going, you can count me out. I don't discuss religion during this. I'm not going to discuss this topic, this issue, this whatever, whatever it is. I'm not going to discuss this today or here or during our time together. If you are full steam ahead, if you are insistent, if that's the only thing you want to talk about. Speaker 1 (1:59) Then, see, this is like the third step of the boundary. Then I'm going to need to step away from the conversation. Or then I'm going to, I'll be involved. You can count me in at a later date on the conversation, later today. Or then I'm going to need to leave the room. Or this conversation is over. I'm going to need to put an end to the conversation. Whatever it is, the consequence of saying, hey, then you can count me out. A simple boundary that's said lighthearted can go a very long way. Number three, one of my favorites that I love to use, and I use this on my own family members sometimes when I know my grandfather just, he's throwing a bomb right there in the middle of the conversation, knowing full well what he's doing, is I have to see that most of the time they're doing that. to feel something. They want to feel engaged. They want to feel relevant. They want to feel like they have some kind of control over not only their life, but over you as well. They just want to feel something again. So they're looking for somebody to spar with. They don't really care about the result. They don't care about what it is. really all means. They're just looking for somebody to spar with, to have a conversation with because it's engaging to them. It's fun to them in this sense. It's like people who kind of play wrestle. They know they're not going to really do anything with it. Now, what I hear you saying is different. You're saying, hey, this hurts. This hurts me. That's different. If there's an actual pain and a wound there, that's very different. What I like to say is I'd rather hear about you. So I'll go, you know what, grandfather, I'd rather hear about you. Hey, papa, I'd rather hear about you. Now, that may not be true for you. You may not really want to hear about them. That's different. Then I'd go to the boundary because if it's a true wound, you need to state that, hey, what you're bringing up is hurtful to me. Or maybe you need to pose it as a question, right? Did you say that to hurt me? Did you say that to upset me? Are you bringing that up to create? a rift or create some drama or create friction right now? And usually when you ask that kind of question, they'll go, whoa, whoa, whoa, you know, no, not at all. And they'll back away or they're going to lean into it. And therefore it's going to let you know whether or not you need to have a very hard boundary to stay out of that conversation. Awesome question. Speaker 3 (4:14) How do you like yourself when other people don't like you and you've convinced yourself you're not likable? I've taken, I've tried to take communication courses because I figured it's got to be in the communication style. But I'm also not a person who believes in, you know, whining and dining someone just to get them to like me. So how do you learn to like yourself? There's a lot of families that won't even speak to me. I just, I don't know. You can only take too much, so much of it. You can only take so much of it. I'm at that point. Thank Speaker 4 (4:49) you. Speaker 1 (4:50) Well, let me be the first to say, I like you. I'm glad you called. I like you. How do you, how do you, how do you like that? I hear you saying, how do I like myself when other people don't like me? In other words, you're making someone else liking you the condition by which you like yourself. That is the opposite of what I want you to do. It is not the other person's value of you that derives, makes changes, has control over your perspective of whether you like yourself. That's not how it works. It's not, I'm not okay if I'm not okay with me, if they're not okay with me. That's not how it works. We're going to flip it. So instead of Jefferson, how do you like yourself when other people don't like you? Speaker 3 (5:43) I Speaker 1 (5:43) want to hear, I really like myself and that helps me like other people. We're just turning that phrase right on its head. It's not, how do I like myself when other people don't? Eliminate the condition. I like myself, full stop, period. I like myself. It's not conditioned on anything else. It's not prefaced on anything else. It's just me. Do you like yourself to the exclusion of anything else in the world? Do you believe that you alone have value? Speaker 1 (6:19) Then, separate sentence, that helps me like other people. The love for myself helps me love other people. I like you. There are other people listening who like you just because the question that you posed. So that eliminates the condition right there. Right there, it proves it false that people don't like you, right? Now, what I hear you saying is I struggle with some self-confidence of feeling like I have to manage everybody else's feelings. I don't feel like people really like me. This is where I need you. Speaker 1 (6:57) To really look within yourself and say, do I like other people? Do I like other people or is