How to Handle Someone You Disagree With ft. Tim Tebow

The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

Jefferson Fisher and Tim Tebow discuss the art of maintaining respect during disagreements and handling criticism with humility. The convers

Key takeaways

• Tim Teboch suggests that when faced with insults, one should ask 'Is that true?' to distinguish between constructive criticism and malicious attacks.
• The concept of 'courage of conviction' is presented as a way to stand one's ground without devaluing the person on the other side.

Main topics

• Handling Disagreement
• Dealing with Criticism

Notable quotes

It is better to stand for something and have enemies than stand for nothing and have fake friends.

Conclusion

The episode offers a blend of spiritual wisdom and practical warnings,

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) It is better to stand for something and have enemies than stand for nothing and have fake friends. When we have disagreements, we devalue people because of it. That just leads to absolute destruction. Destruction of relationships, destruction of culture, destruction of society. How do you show restraint in communication? Especially when somebody's disagreeing with you. If someone's trying to argue and they don't want to necessarily hear, that might be a place where you just have a very compassionate response in exiting that situation. How do you respond to somebody who insults you? Sometimes. You need to look and say is that true? We need criticism in our life We want other people that love us but love us enough to also tell us the truth and then sometimes there's people that just want to tear you down and that's very different it is painful to have people criticize you does hurt I was really struggling early on at Florida of dealing with the criticism and I went to go see my dad my biggest hero and role model on planet Earth and I said dad if all these people that are Criticizing me if they got to know me I really feel like they would like me a son they would because you're like a bull but some people won't want to get to know you because they won't want to then like you. What Speaker 2 (1:03) are three things that you have to have to be able to stand your ground in the face of criticism? My first would be... How do you... Show restraint in communication, especially when Speaker 1 (1:17) somebody's disagreeing with you Well, I think understanding context and culture is really important. Where are you in the world? What's the context of what we're talking about? What's the culture? What's respectful? What's not? We get to travel a lot of places around the world and there's certain things that are common norms that aren't necessarily the norm here. Yeah. So I think that's something that's really important. And then I think it's trying to understand and prayerfully consider what's the goal. Speaker 1 (1:49) what could have a chance to be impactful in this moment. Reading the room, trying to have wisdom and discernment. Sometimes in that moment, prayerfully... asking God for discernment in this moment. If someone's trying to argue with you and they don't want to necessarily hear, maybe that might be a place where you just have a very soft-spoken, quiet, compassionate response and thanking that person and trying to find just being kind to that moment and maybe exiting that situation. For sure. Maybe there's another moment where maybe someone isn't trying to argue, but they're trying to intellectually process maybe a disagreement. And now there's more of a chance to have a really healthy back and forth and get to a place where there can be common ground. And I don't mean common ground as agreement. And I think that's one of the things we feel like is, you know, my biggest hero and role model on planet Earth was my dad. And there were so many things we disagreed. But because it was... underlined with such respect, so much respect for him and so much admiration and love for him that I could walk away from a disagreement still having that. And I feel like it's one of the things that's a problem in our society is when we have disagreements, then we devalue people because of it. And I think that for us to heal as a society, we can't devalue people because we disagree. Like their value doesn't come or go because of my opinion on something. Their value was stamped when God made them in his image. And then when Jesus went to the cross, period, end of story. And we should always see people that way. But so many times when there's a disagreement or you don't see eye to eye or you don't like you're the same team or whatever it is, you know, then there's a devaluing of people. And I think that just leads to absolute destruction, destruction of relationships, destruction of culture, destruction of society. And so, That's a little bit of Speaker 2 (3:46) a Speaker 1 (3:46) tangent, but the point is in those conversations, trying to read it. And are we, do we feel like the... the people we're talking to are trying is that the place to have a healthy back and forth or is it the place that man it's just going to stir up a coral right and then that that's different and now that's probably a place to walk away and that's maybe where a place to try to have restraint yeah Speaker 2 (4:08) i um i don't know how about you yeah for me Has a lot to do with Speaker 2 (4:16) The question that I ask myself is right now, am I trying to learn something or am I trying to prove something? Speaker 1 (4:23) Yeah. Speaker 2 (4:23) And I think when I get into that, really quick to get to that mindset, if there was anything that I have always Speaker 1 (4:33) kind of seared into my brain is James. Speaker 2 (4:39) be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. And that right there. is everything. I mean, that's the model. Well, Speaker 1 (4:46) I feel like what you're saying is so important because also James is so clear about humility. Yeah. That God is opposed to the proud, but he gives grace to the humble. Submit therefore to God, resist the devil. He will flee from you, draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. And I feel like what you're saying also ties in because when we have a posture of humility, it's going to be a lot easier for us to listen before we speak. Yeah. It's going to be a lot easier for us. to try to be a learner in that moment than it is to try to be a shower in that moment. The Speaker 2 (5:18) question is, do you already first have a posture of humility? I think that's kind of the first check on your dashboard. I Speaker 1 (5:23) think so. Speaker 2 (5:24) Yeah. My dad used to tell me, and I like that you point out that your biggest role model is your dad, but yet you all had so many disagreements. What my dad would tell me when we would have one of our many disagreements is he'd say, you don't got to like it. You just need to understand it. That would be his line, which I did not appreciate at the time. I can probably share. I did not appreciate it at the time, but I'd be upset and he'd go, that's okay, you don't have to like it. Yeah, why do I have Speaker 1 (5:50) to Speaker 2 (5:50) do that? Because I Speaker 1 (5:51) said Speaker 2 (5:51) so. Yeah, but Speaker 1 (5:52) you need to Speaker 2 (5:52) understand it. Exactly. He Speaker 1 (5:55) was Speaker 2 (5:55) giving me that freedom of not devaluing my thoughts or my feelings about it. He was giving me that freedom by saying, hey, you don't have to like it. I'm expecting you not to like it. That's right. You just need to understand it. It's where I come from. Speaker 1 (6:14) And I would also add that I think one of the things that I felt like my dad did really well, and my guess is yours really did as well, is in those places, I always could trust beyond a shadow of a doubt. He was doing what he believed was best for our family, for God, and for me. Speaker 1 (6:36) I didn't have to doubt that. Maybe I could disagree with how he was doing it, but I could always know that he was trying to do what was best for me. For sure. That gives you more security. It gives you way more security. You might see a different path, but I could trust he's doing it because he truly believed it was best. Speaker 2 (7:00) Do Speaker 1 (7:00) you feel that, Speaker 2 (7:01) I'm just going to say, you have a more soft-spoken, personality, at least in the time that I've spent with you. Do you find that that's been an advantage or a disadvantage in hard conversations that you've needed to have? Speaker 1 (7:16) I think there's been so many times in my life that... Speaker 1 (7:21) I have. failed in a relationship whether that's been of a like a team member and you know one of our teams like our you know like the foundation or for-profit teams and some of the companies and because I Wasn't willing to have a hard conversation earlier in the moment and just get right to the truth. Hmm. I think Speaker 1 (7:49) That's something that I got to watch my dad model And I just don't know if I've always had the courage to live it out because I've also wanted to please people Sometimes you try to see the best in them. Yeah But what's what's happened sometimes in that you try to see the best but then you walk away sometimes thinking the worst Because you weren't really willing to have a really yes truth-telling conversation. Yeah, Speaker 2 (8:13) and Speaker 1 (8:13) then you start Then you start Speaker 2 (8:14) overthinking. Then you start eating yourself up. Eating yourself up at it, Speaker 1 (8:17) you know? And so I think there are some times that I could be self-spoken, but I don't know if a lot of people that have just seen me on certain clips here or there say that because sometimes I can get very passionate and very fired Speaker 2 (8:33) up. Speaker 1 (8:33) Absolutely, yeah. That doesn't mean it's an always thing. It doesn't mean it's an always thing. To me, I have to imagine that. Speaker 2 (8:42) For those there are people listening who tend to be more soft-spoken and there are those who? Might be more on let's say your dad spectrum where it's they're very outspoken Yeah, you they they are more than happy to tell you where they stand on everything where Speaker 2 (9:00) For those that are listening that say, you know, I resonate with somebody who I tend to avoid conflict a little bit more than I should. I do tend to people please. I do tend to have a softer register. I just more tend to be soft spoken. To me, there is a major strength in that. And that is to be able to. feel more than Speaker 2 (9:22) focus on saying more because Speaker 1 (9:25) I find that especially in times of conflict, Speaker 2 (9:28) it's the person who's willing to diffuse and let it settle and you know speak more softly tends to get to the other side of it now it doesn't hurt that Speaker 1 (9:41) You know, Speaker 2 (9:42) you're humongous and and you know that you're gonna but but Speaker 1 (9:46) I feel like that plays into it I believe communication I say this to our team all the time I really believe that your posture and your demeanor and your size big or small plays into it Yes, like I have some great friends that could say certain things and I love them very much on a stage that I couldn't say Because their posture is a certain way. They have a way of talking that's a certain, that's a tone that's different. I naturally, probably I'm a little bit more soft-spoken, but sometimes my tone can be aggressive, especially when I get fired up. It doesn't, I don't mean to do that. I can just very quickly get fired up and passionate about what I'm talking about. I've already witnessed it in a short time. I have to be very careful with that at times. I have to be very careful. Why is that? Because sometimes people might not hear what you say, but that tone might shut them off. Ah, coming off too strong. Yeah, I've got to really be careful of... um my tone in certain situations i think that really plays a big part in in communications and i think in communications like how you sit how you stand how you walk how you talk on a stage all of that plays into it like because you know maybe a little bit more size on a stage that's going to come across different than someone who doesn't have that they might be a little bit more gregarious and i know some communication coaches were like, you need to be big and be big on stage. I try to make myself way smaller on stage. Tell me why. Because my goal isn't to make myself look big. My goal is to make whatever I'm talking about, most importantly, Jesus, be the object of what I'm talking about. I want to get off of any pedestal that anybody puts me on because I don't deserve to be on there. There's only one person. That's King Jesus should be on that pedestal. And if I point to anyone, I want to point to him. I want to take myself off and say no, not just because it's, in my opinion, a good way to communicate, but also because I believe it with my whole heart that I'm a black wretched sinner that was saved. by grace, grace alone. For by grace you have been saved through faith. It is not of your works. It's a gift of God. So we can't boast about it. But if we do boast, we boast in the name that is above every name, and that is King Jesus. Amen. Right? And so less Speaker 2 (11:58) of you and more of Speaker 1 (12:00) Jesus, more of other people, more of wise counsel, more of let's fight for God's kingdom. Let's, you know, let's tell people about the gospel. All the things that I've convicted and want to do, let's go fight for those that can't fight for themselves. Let's go fight for those that are suffering. And I think there's times you naturally get fired up. But I also think if you stay at a level, you know, eight to 10 in passion in your life, talk that's a that's a lot of emotional weight you're putting on other people that they're listening to for a long time especially if it's a 30 45 minute talk and i don't think people can handle it that long it's Speaker 2 (12:37) a Speaker 1 (12:37) lot so you want to be a little bit of a roller coaster one of my mentors and some things he said you know one of the ways he talks about it is he'll talk about riding a bike and you need to be a 10 speed bike when you communicate right you need to be able to change the tone you're not going level 10 the whole time right that's it especially for some of the topics that we talk about a lot, anti-human trafficking, child exploitation, child sacrifice, grooming, sex torture, all of these things, that's heavy if you're at a level 10, right? So we need to try to work to take people on a little bit of a journey and have change of speeds throughout it so they're not just taking all of this maybe information and the tone. It's already hard information in the battle of good and evil. It's also if that... tone and you're a bigger guy that's coming that can feel like a lot so how can i soften myself soften the words because maybe or soften the tone so that the words they're already heavy enough sometimes so i think it depends on what we're talking about for me those are a lot of things i talk about so yeah a little bit of the mindset with some of it too well Speaker 2 (13:44) and also it helps it so you're physically a bigger guy and so when you are Come at it of what approach is it you have a really acute approach which would be much more stronger Do you have a lower authority frame and your voice that makes people want to hear you more because it's that that contrast of hearing Like when you have somebody who's smaller and they have a very big voice we go Wow I want to hear this person same for somebody who's physically bigger that may be a little bit more of a Softer approach you go. Wow. I want to I want to listen to that a little bit and Speaker 1 (14:17) there's you know most of the time something i'm going to share i'm going to get very fired up about how long does it take you to get fired up is it like it depends what i'm talking about it could be stories issues things yeah that's good that passion can come and most of i feel like it's conviction of things that for sure i feel like god's let me experience and called me to yeah um and so i think and i also believe that um Speaker 1 (14:43) That being self-deprecating and trying to have a posture of humility is also something that's so important to communicate, to try to show in communication. Not because you're trying to be humble, but because you believe that this is who God wants me to be. How do you communicate humility? Well, one of my favorite definitions to use is how modern psychologists talk about humility as an accurate view of oneself. And I really believe that because when we take, and I've heard so many definitions over my life, especially growing up in the church, you know, there's so many, you know, it's not thinking, you know, less of yourself. It's thinking of yourself less. And I like that too. I think that's a piece of it, but I really like how modern psychologists define it as an accurate view of yourself because when we do that in comparison to the cross and scripture, or we take an accurate view, you realize, man, like so many times my ambitions, selfish. So many times my thoughts, my words, my actions, like I've missed the mark, which is what sin means, missing the mark. So when I take an accurate view of who I am and then I take an accurate view of the love of Christ and the sacrifice of Jesus. Speaker 1 (16:02) Like when I am doing a better job of taking an accurate view of my own heart in my own mind It helps me take a more accurate view of who King Jesus is. Maybe that's a better way to say it Speaker 2 (16:14) I like that I heard the other day. It's stuck in my mind What God does is take your biggest strength and make it your weakness so that it reveals his sufficiency. And man, has that not been true in so many different areas of my life. And I also think if your Speaker 1 (16:32) biggest strength is uncontrolled, it can turn into your biggest weakness. For sure. If unchecked, if not the right counsel, if not the right support, if not the right guarding of that, it can turn into a weakness as well. Yeah, absolutely. I want to make sure that... Speaker 2 (16:48) We break it down for listeners. I love the mindset talk that we have and where we're putting our vision in our mind. It's practically like the mechanically. When you go, how do we communicate humility? What I hear is, one, are you examining the posture of your heart? And two, are you only talking about your desires? That's right. Speaker 1 (17:14) What's your goal when you talk? Whoever it is. It could be at a table. It could be a dinner. It could be with friends. It could be with your wife. It could be at a big speech. It could be a leadership talk. What's your actual goal? And I think that's part of how you examine it when you truly take an accurate view of yourself and you look at yourself. Is my goal based on how I come across? at whatever that is or is my goal how could i actually serve how do they walk away do they walk away better because i invested in them i also think that's a piece of it right is my goal about me or is my goal about them so let's turn the word goal and and turn that into a question instead Speaker 2 (17:52) of saying what is our goal i like what i'm hearing is how can i best serve them that's Speaker 1 (17:58) right Speaker 2 (18:00) Man, I love that because that's going to help you not only in everyday hard conversations with those that you love and those that you work with, but it's also great for if you're public speaking, if you're on some, you have some kind of platform that you have something to teach. It goes back to what you said at the beginning. Is it, is it because I've made it about me and I'm nervous because of how this is going to affect me or am I excited about how much I'm going to get to share with? Well, Speaker 1 (18:24) it's also what I tried to do before we started. I said, hey, what would your goal be for this time? Because I want