How to Respond When Someone Hurts Your Feelings, says “I was just joking,” or is Passive-Aggressive w/Jefferson Fisher

The Jamie Kern Lima Show

This episode explores how to respond when someone hurts your feelings with a joke or passive-aggressive comment, offering tools to maintain emotional control and set boundaries. Jefferson Fisher, communication expert and author, shares practical strategies for handling such moments with grace and confidence.

Key takeaways

• Take a conversational breath to regain composure
• Use humor or curiosity to defuse tension
• Set boundaries without escalating conflict

Transcript preview

Do you know how to respond when someone says to you, I was just joking, but actually they really hurt your feelings? We've all had someone say something hurtful or passive aggressive and then follow it up by, I was just joking, oh I was just joking. And today we're learning the secret tips and tools on how to handle this in a way that helps instead of hurts our relationships. So back by popular demand, communication phenom and trial attorney, Jeffers, is here to talk with you and me today about how we handle this the right way and avoid handling it the wrong way and how it impacts all areas of our lives. Jefferson Fisher is a trial lawyer, a fifth generation award-winning attorney, writer, and speaker. His work has gained him millions of followers all over the world through short, simple, practical social media videos teaching people how to argue less and talk now. more. Whether it's handling a heated conversation, dealing with a difficult personality, or standing your ground with confidence, Jefferson helps you communicate during life's everyday arguments and conversations and his brand new book called The Next Conversation, Argu Less, Talk More, is out now. Jefferson says, we can change everything about your life by what you say next. And you and I are in for a treat because Jefferson has stepped away from his own. busy legal practice, he got on an airplane, he flew here to be with you and me today. Whether you're listening for yourself or because someone that you love shared this episode with you, I want to welcome you to the Jamie Cur and Lima show, podcast family. Remember, this episode is not just for you and me. Please share this with every single person you know because it can change their life too. Before we jump into this episode, I'd be so grateful if you take two. to click on the follow or subscribe button on the app you're listening or watching the podcast on. It'll help you because you're going to be the very first to get the episodes and it's going to help the show because by you following it it's more likely to be promoted to others to discover and if you leave a five-star review that would be even more amazing and just thank you so much this is our show together and it truly means so much to me. Jamie Kern Lima. Lima. Jamie, you're so inspiring. Jamie Kern Lima. Jefferson Fisher, welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima show. Thank you so much for having me, Jamie. I'm honored to be here. I'm so excited you're here. Wow, what has happened with you, with your advice, with your videos, it has become a phenomenon. Thank you. Thank you. Very sweet. Thank you. and right now I'm just holding on. Yeah, yeah. Well I'm excited so much to dive into today. We've all had, we've all had somebody say something that was like hurtful or passive aggressive and then they followed up by I was just joking. And so many of us don't know how to handle that the right way. It can cause issues and friendships and relationships. I know we can handle it wrong or we can handle it right and so Jefferson when someone says you know, I was, you know, I was just How do you process that? How do you handle it? How do you not blow up a relationship or harbor resentment because of it? Yeah, what you don't do is let it go when somebody's... Yeah, because you know so many of us we let it go and well we bury it inside but on the outside You're carrying it. Yeah, they just gave you something to carry as all they did whenever you don't speak up for things like that because they will do it again but when you speak it out? But when you and when you call it out you don't let it go you're telling them this is not going to fly with me if you do this again and let me give you some responses to that I'm just joking some of my favorite are one to look them just and this is where a breath comes in the place right when you're able to have that conversational breath you just kind of take a moment you say hey look I'm just joking it's then be funnier than be funnier you need to find new material. Or you need to work on your material. So it all depends on that personality. Even if you were to say, well, then you need to work, let's work on your material. Like, that's a very, almost humorous way to say, no, that's not gonna fly. Not gonna fly. I want to break this down for a second, because this happens to so many of us all the time. It could be a colleague that says something. It could be our partner. It could be a family member, a friend, and another mom, and school, whatever, they say something, and then they're like, I was just joking. And then you're like, but were you? And you start thinking about it, you harbor it, and like you said, you hold on to it. So the first thing you're saying, before you even react, your first reaction is a breath, a conversational breath. Is it worth my time? Is it worth my time? Is it worth my time? Just take us through that. For anyone, hearing about this concept for the very first time. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, because this, you to hear this book okay take a breath got it no no no this is like legit changes the chemistry in your body gives you your power back okay and how you handle situations whether it's your partner at home or your friend or you're you know in-law or that person that does not like you no matter what you do whatever it is the power of a breath right after something like this happens can you explain yes word that you take, you are using the power of what they call a physiological sigh and you do it like this, you're ready, you're going to take two seconds in, then one second at the top, and then about six seconds of exhale. You can do it all just right there, a nasal breathing in your nose. In our nose. Yes, because... two seconds in, one at the top. And then if you can, six seconds, five to six seconds of exhale. And what it's doing is giving you the effects of a you do now. If you listen to this and you did it with this, I can almost guarantee you feel calmer and more at peace than you did before you did this. And what it does is it injects you with the choice, the choice to understand, is this worth my time, the choice to make sure that is this who I want to give my time to? Is this person worth me getting out of my chair for it to stand my ground? Who does this person? Who does this person? to me. It gives you some time to think about it, have your analytical side working and I get emotionally flooded in that moment. And what I love about when somebody says, I was just joking, depends on if it's somebody it's a total stranger to you, somebody who is a work associate or somebody who's a friend to you, but it's as easy as saying, oh, it doesn't sound like a joke, it sounds like an