You Hit $5M, Then $10M. Why It Never Feels Like Enough (& What Actually Does)

The Home Service Expert Podcast

In this episode of The Home Service Expert Podcast, host Tommy Mello sits down with Tal Ben-Shahar, Harvard's most popular professor and pioneer in happiness studies, to explore the

Key takeaways

• Happiness precedes success—increasing well-being boosts creativity, productivity, and business margins.
• The 'arrival fallacy' is a common trap: believing that reaching goals like wealth or recognition will bring lasting joy, which rarely happens.

Main topics

• The arrival fallacy
• Happiness as a driver of performance

Notable quotes

"The biggest misconception is that success will lead to happiness. I always thought that success led to happiness. And what I realized is that it's the other way around."

Conclusion

True fulfillment isn't found at the summit of achievement but in the consistent practice of

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) The biggest misconception is that success will lead to happiness. I always thought that success led to happiness. And what I realized is that it's the other way around. You increase levels of happiness, even by a little bit, you become more creative and more innovative. You become more engaged, more productive. Companies that enhance levels of well-being of their employees actually perform better. So there's a direct relationship between well-being, and profit margins. Speaker 1 (0:32) Today I got Tal Ben-Shahar with me. Some fun facts about Tal is he taught the most popular course in Harvard's history, 1,400 students. Israel's youngest ever national squash champion at the age of 16. Trained with world squash champion Mr. Khan at 17. I'm just going to say that because that's a tough name. Created the world's first master's and PhD in happiness studies. Featured on 60 Minutes Daily Show, CNN, PBS, and Mel Robbins, who I'm a big fan of. Carries a podcast pad. Carries a pocket pad everywhere for his daily gratitude journal. I love it, man. Tal, I'm really excited because I'm a business guy. 20 years in, we'll do $410 million this year. And every day I'm searching for the next thing as a normal entrepreneur. And, you know, they say more money, more problems. I agree with that. And a lot of people, they're always saying these things like, when this happens, I'll be happy. when this happens, when I get in shape, when I go on that trip. And I think that's more of the entrepreneurial thing. But I guess let's just start out by telling us your life story and just who you are, what got you into the study of happiness. Speaker 2 (1:57) Yeah, so what got me into the study of happiness is actually my own unhappiness. So I was an undergraduate at Harvard studying computer science. And I found myself in my second year doing very well academically, doing well in athletics. I played squash, doing quite well socially and yet being very unhappy. And Tommy, it didn't make sense to me because everything that I had learned until that point told me that in order to be happy, you have to succeed. you know, I have to check a few boxes, which I did. And then, you know, happiness would find its way to me. And that wasn't the case. I was, you know, not depressed, but I was very unhappy. And I remember one very cold Boston morning, going to my academic advisor, my sophomore year, going to my academic advisor and telling her that I'm switching majors. And she said, what to? And I said, well, I'm leaving computer science. moving over to philosophy and psychology. And she said, why? And I said, because I have two questions. First question, why aren't I happy? Second question, how can I become happier? And these are, you know, the questions that have guided me for over 30 years now. Speaker 1 (3:18) Yeah, well, I think this is probably going to be one of the best podcasts ever because I think, like I was explaining earlier, that we think these things are going to make us happy. Like doing more, getting in better shape, making more friends, becoming greater, especially social media makes it really tough because we see the best in everybody's life and they're acting and only recording the great moments. When you won Israel's national championship at 16, And you said you were only happy for about three hours. And then it just went away. Tell me about that. Speaker 2 (3:53) Yeah, so that was actually my first encounter with, or my first recognition that something was off. So I had trained very hard from the age of 11. Basically, at the age of six or seven, I decided that I wanted to be a professional athlete. You know, sports was my life. At about the age of eight, I stopped growing. So I gave up the basketball dream, even though I'm watching, you know. Jalen Bronson now, and I'm saying, well, maybe. But I, so I started playing squash and I dedicated everything to it. I mean, hours and hours and hours a day, you know, sacrifice. And I wasn't happy, not because of the sacrifice, just because I was constantly stressed because I just. I just didn't find the groove, I guess. It was all done for a purpose. And the purpose was winning a championship. But what kept me going was the belief, the deep belief that when I win, then I'll be happy. Speaker 2 (4:59) And eventually I did win. And I was extremely happy for a few hours. And then back to, you know, step one. Again, the same stress, the same pressure, only this time saying, well, it's not enough that I won the Israeli national championship. Now I have to be the world champion. And again, and then I went off and turned pro and played with the world champion. I never became a world champion, but I did win tournaments and the same pattern continued. Speaker 2 (5:32) extremely happy for a few hours, sometimes days, and then back to step one. After I did get, I got injured and switched from sports to academics. And then again, you know, I had to win the championship. And for me, winning the championship was getting into Harvard. And I said, when I get in, then I'll be happy. And I did get in and I was happy for a couple of weeks. And that pattern continued. And I realized that, I named it later, but I realized that what I was experiencing was the arrival fallacy. Speaker 2 (6:10) What is the arrival fallacy? It's the mistaken notion that happiness depends on arriving, getting somewhere, achieving a milestone. That when I conquer this mountain, that when I win this championship, that when I get into this school, that when I make this amount of money, that when I have this kind of relationship, then I'll be happy. And of course, what we're doing is constantly living in the future and foregoing the present. And, you know, I wish I had an easy answer. Okay, just focus on being present and then you will be happy. It's not that easy. And therefore, you know, I've been doing this for, you know, 30 plus years trying to figure out how I can help myself, how I can help others become happier. Speaker 1 (7:00) With, you early on mentioned you weren't depressed, you were just unhappy. And I'm just curious because you think of, Speaker 1 (7:10) I've never had depression and I know it's a real thing. I know it's something chemically imbalanced in the brain. But what in your years of experience and studies, what's the difference between just being always unhappy versus depressed? Yeah. So a lot of it has to do Speaker 2 (7:29) with the action that we take or don't take. So people who are depressed generally are passive. So they would stay home for days after days or really find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. And they often won't. So I didn't have that issue. I worked hard. I invested in my studies and earlier in sports. I did see people. I went out with friends. But there was always this Pink Floyd's notion of being comfortably numb. Yeah. which was preceded by Henry David Thoreau back in 1840. He wrote that most men lead lives of quiet desperation. So I felt this quiet desperation, not Speaker 1 (8:20) depressed, Speaker 2 (8:22) I was never suicidal, but it was like blind and thinking, this is what life is all about? Speaker 2 (8:32) And feeling somewhat, you know, dejected and disappointed. And I wanted more. I mean, we all do. Speaker 1 (8:41) Yeah, but you know what I've realized with drivers, and I'll call us visionaries, and very, it's about 4 % of the population. is enough is never enough. And you climb this mountain and you reach the pinnacle and you look up and there's another mountain. And I've seen, Gino Wickman wrote a book about it called Shine. He invented EOS. And he said he made more money than he ever thought possible. Buckets of gold everywhere. He sold his company and all he felt was emptiness. And then I heard this other story from a friend. He made $3 billion. selling his company. I talked to him three years later. He said, I'd give back all the money to get my company back. You know, because sometimes you feel lost. Sometimes you identify your business, especially entrepreneurs, with their meaning. And so, you know, I'm always saying, enjoy the journey, enjoy the journey. But sometimes I find myself like, got to hit this goal, got to hit this next, got to make our budget, got to make sure, you know, I can't, sometimes I'm talking on both sides of my mouth. Speaker 2 (9:49) Yeah, so Tommy, there is something to enjoy the journey, but there is also something to have goals. And let me explain this because this is... Speaker 2 (10:02) This is so important and it's very much the essence of what a happy life looks like. So there are two schools of thought out there. The first school of thought says exactly what we were talking about now. Achieve that goal and then you'll be happy. Get into that school, make the $3 million, buy that home, have this car, relationship, whatever, win this tournament, and then you'll be happy. It's all about the milestones, the achievement, the arrival. Speaker 2 (10:31) And now, of course, we know that that's not the case. You know, we know it from personal experience. We know it from observing others. If this was the case, then, you know, Harvard students would be ecstatic. Olympic medalists would be the happiest people in the world and wealthy people would be the happiest people. And we know that that's not the case. So it's not about achieving the goal. But that's one school of thought, mostly associated, not only, but mostly associated with the West. Yeah. Then we have the other school of thought, mostly, not only, but mostly associated with the East. It's all about the present. Forget the future. Enjoy the journey. Be in the here and now. Speaker 2 (11:16) And there is a lot to it. But there's a problem here as well. And the problem is that as human beings, we need goals. You know, we're not like a grazing cow. We're not like, you know, my cat who just, you know, hangs and is, you know, content. We need goals. We need those objectives. So what happens? How do we reconcile these two worlds, you know, East and West, future and present? What we do is we turn goal theory on its head. Speaker 2 (11:53) How? You see, we perceive goals as the end. So my goal is to make, again, that $3 million or to write that book or to win that championship. And that's the end. That's the wrong way of looking at it. We need to look at it as a means. A means towards what? A means towards liberating us to enjoy the present moment. And let me give you an actual example. So let's say My goal is to write a book. And I want to submit it by July 1, 2027. So I have this goal. long-term goal, an objective, a milestone that I strive towards. Once I have it, I can let go of it. In what sense? I know why I wake up in the morning. You know, when I wake up from, let's say, from nine to noon, I sit down on this computer and write. Now, when I write, I don't have to think about what I'm doing. I'm just doing it. I'm being present in the here and now. Or if that goal is to, you know, make... X amount of money or start this business. I have this goal. It's there. But once I have it, I let go of it. What it does is it liberates me to enjoy the day to day because I know when I wake up, I'm going to go into the office. I'm going to meet clients. I'm going to have seven meetings with prospective customers and so on. So I can enjoy the present moment thanks Speaker 1 (13:25) to the fact that Speaker 2 (13:26) I have a long term goal. In other words, the goal of goals is actually to enable us to enjoy the journey. Because a person without goals, very difficult to be happy. You know, even a professional meditator, they have goals. You know, they want a better world. They want to be calmer. They want to, you know, to spread serenity. Whatever it is, we need goals. But once we have those goals, we need to realize it's not that important whether or not we attain them. What's more important is that we journey and enjoy the journey towards those goals. Whether it's writing the book, whether it's starting the business, whether it's studying for an exam, whatever it is. Speaker 1 (14:13) So you talk about SPIRE, which is spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional well-being. And then MVIs, minimum viable interventions. Can you walk us through? I'm guessing that came a lot in the philosophy and psychology side of when you entered into that. Yes, Speaker 2 (14:35) exactly. So the SPIRE model is the model of happiness. You know, there are many ways to define happiness. The way I define happiness is through five elements of well-being. The S of SPIRE stands for spiritual well-being. That's about a sense of meaning and purpose. That's about being present. Speaker 2 (15:02) So when I'm present to whatever it is I'm doing, you know, whether working on my book or in an interaction with a friend, when I'm present, I'm experiencing spiritual well-being. When I do work that I find meaningful, I'm experiencing spiritual well-being. So that's the S of Spire. The P of Spire is physical well-being. That's about exercise. You know, regular physical exercise has the same effect on our psychological well-being as our most powerful psychiatric medication. In fact, it works in the same way. It releases the norepinephrine, serotonin, dopamine, all the feel-good chemicals in the brain. It's about nutrition that matters a lot for happiness. It's about rest and recovery. You know, the number one reason why companies call me up today is because of the rising levels of stress in their organization. And the way to deal with that stress is not to eliminate it. We can't. You know, stress is part and parcel of every life. It's to incorporate recovery. Speaker 2 (16:15) Because think about this analogy, you know, you're in the gym and you lift weights, you're stressing your muscles, not a bad thing. When is it a bad thing when you stress your muscles and don't have recovery? That's when you get injured. So stress with recovery actually leads to growth, whether it's in the gym physiologically or in life psychologically. Speaker 1 (16:36) So Speaker 2 (16:37) recovery is an important part of physical well-being, which is an important part of the Spire model of happiness. So that's the P of Spire. The I of Spire is intellectual well-being. Intellectual well-being is about curiosity. people who ask questions are happier they are more successful they also live longer So curiosity may kill the cat, but it helps us humans live longer. Then there is a relational well-being, number one predictor of happiness. Quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us. It's about kindness and generosity, which are very important elements of a happy life. And finally, emotional well-being. learning to deal with painful emotions and cultivating pleasurable emotions like pleasure, like joy, like fun, like gratitude. Now, these spire elements, what's important about them, you know, it sounds a bit overwhelming. What? So I have