Caller: “My Fiancée Wants a Hysterectomy”

The Dr. John Delony Show

Dr. John Delony guides three callers through complex relationship and personal growth challenges, starting with a fiancé processing grief over his

Key takeaways

• Tom (33) learns to grieve the loss of his dream of having a son while affirming his choice to commit fully to his 28-year-old fiancée despite her hysterectomy decision.
• Lee is challenged to stop carrying the 'cinder block' of his brother's secret infidelity and instead tell his sister-in-law the truth, prioritizing moral character over enabling secrecy.

Main topics

• Navigating medical decisions in engagement
• Infidelity disclosure and family loyalty

Notable quotes

"Your real life is right now."

Conclusion

The episode provides actionable frameworks for navigating compromise,

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:05) Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com. My fiance is Speaker 4 (0:17) looking to have a hysterectomy sometime next year. But the thing is that I am wanting an opportunity to still try for another child. But the thing is that I kind of want to make peace with her wishes. So Speaker 2 (0:32) y'all are engaged. When do y'all get married? Speaker 2 (0:39) What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Speaker 2 (0:45) Taking your calls. Real people going through real life stuff. In their marriages, their dating relationships, with their kids, with their kids' schools, with their workplace. Whatever you got going on in your life, pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you click the link in the show notes and we'll get you on. Let's go out to Minneapolis, Minnesota and talk to T.O.M. What's up, Tom? Speaker 4 (1:14) Yeah, man. So my story is that my fiance is looking to have a hysterectomy sometime next year. But the thing is that I am wanting an opportunity to still try for another child. But the thing is that I kind of want to make peace with her wishes. You know, she's already gone so much for us already. She actually originally didn't want to have kids. But we do have two of our own. But again, at the same time, how do I make peace with that? Speaker 2 (1:51) So let me make sure you and I have the same picture in our head. You all are together. How long have you all been together? Speaker 2 (2:00) years. Three years. Okay. How many kids do y'all have in three years? Two. Okay. Were they both planned or were they both like whoopsie-doos? How did they come along? Speaker 4 (2:09) The latter. The Speaker 2 (2:11) latter. Okay. And so y'all are engaged. When are y'all getting married? Speaker 4 (2:18) Whenever I'm done with school. That is, and I am looking to graduate sometime next year. Gotcha. Speaker 2 (2:25) Okay. We'll talk, we'll put a pin in that one because I'm going to peer pressure you, but we'll do that later. Okay. Cause that's not what you call it. Right. Speaker 2 (2:32) So the first two tell me about the first two pregnancies were they tough smooth scary nervous all of it Speaker 4 (2:39) You know, they were tough. You know, just me being nervous. I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave out some details. And she's probably going to watch the playback and say, you didn't say this. No, you're good, man. But essentially, they were both tough. They both have health issues. And also, she also went through some pretty hard postpartum. Speaker 4 (3:03) You know, I totally respect that. My thing is that I wanted to try for a kid more so to see if we could get a boy. But, you know, at the same time, I'm like, this is her body. I want to respect that. And I want to honor that and cherish her decision on having a hysterectomy. Speaker 2 (3:22) Sure. And this doesn't super matter, but for me, it kind of does. It will give me some additional context. Yeah. Is she having an elective hysterectomy or does she have fibrosis or endometriosis? Does she have challenges that doctors have said, hey, this is coming sooner rather than later? Speaker 4 (3:39) Yeah, good question. She thought that she had PCOS. Speaker 2 (3:43) So Speaker 4 (3:43) she did actually go under, but the doctors found nothing. And so she has very debilitating periods and she's just like, I've just kind of had it. I just want a hysterectomy. Speaker 2 (3:58) Okay. Okay. Has she had that conversation with her OBGYN? Yes. Okay, great. The crux of the question for me is, you had this picture of your life where you had a baby boy. You had a son. Yeah. And you're the, the person that you've had two kids with your fiance. Um, she has said, Hey, I'm, I'm going to be done having children. Speaker 5 (4:21) Yes. Speaker 2 (4:21) And so you're wrestling with, I want to honor her. It's her body. It's her choice, all that stuff. But also, um, I have a dream of us making a life together. And a part of the picture I had, I had in my head of what that life would look like included a third kid. Speaker 4 (4:37) Yeah, exactly. And you know, even if the kid doesn't turn out to be a boy and, you know, we pop out another girl, Speaker 2 (4:44) I'd be happy either way. Of course. Speaker 2 (4:50) So how can I help you? Are you wrestling with how do you make peace? Are you wrestling with do you think there's some secret conversation you could have to change your mind? What are you wrestling with? Speaker 4 (4:59) Yeah, man. Speaker 2 (4:59) Or is it just grief? Is it just grief? I had this picture of my life, and that picture's going to be different, and I'm going to be the best guy moving forward. Speaker 4 (5:07) Yeah, great point. Honestly, I think it could be all three. I had an imagination that for the longest time, maybe in high school years, college years, I said to myself, I'd be happy if I have at least one boy, one girl. I have two amazing little girls. But also at the same time, it's kind of also, well, that it's kind of. Speaker 4 (5:33) It's kind of not making that imagination come true, right? But also at the same time. Speaker 4 (5:40) Yeah, I guess I'm really just lost at, you know, making peace with that. It's never, it probably won't come true. Speaker 2 (5:49) Yeah. Speaker 4 (5:49) Well, and, and. How old are you? I'm 33. She is 28. Speaker 2 (5:56) 28. Okay. Um, Speaker 2 (6:00) I also get a sense, again, always, always, every caller I tell this to, but I'm talking to you, so tell me if I'm out of line here, if I'm wrong, okay? Speaker 2 (6:11) But I get this sense that for you, real life, grown up life starts after I graduate. And there's something unnerving about already. putting a period at the end of a sentence before your quote-unquote real life really gets cooking. Speaker 2 (6:30) I think you hit the nail Speaker 4 (6:31) on the head. Speaker 2 (6:32) on the spot there. And so what I would challenge you on is your real life is right now. Speaker 2 (6:39) It's been going. Speaker 2 (6:42) Getting a degree or getting a new degree or a graduate degree, that's a cool marker on this marathon you're running called life. But your life's already started. And so if you back out and say three years ago, I met this amazing woman, she got pregnant and we had this amazing girl. And then we got another amazing girl. Like we've been doing this amazing life. We we've, we've contracted a ton of life change in 36 months. Right. Like a lot. Um, but we've been doing life this whole time. Speaker 2 (7:20) And so if you back up three years back to that time horizon and say, if somebody had asked you after you graduate, hey, you're going to marry this girl. You like her. You're going to be with her forever. And y'all are going to build this amazing life together. And you're going to have two healthy kids. You'd love it if it was a boy. You get what I'm saying? Like, if you change your time horizon, your picture shifts too. Speaker 2 (7:39) Yeah. But there's something about metabolizing. Those two little girls don't care if you have a degree or not. You're dead, man. Speaker 4 (7:50) I work remotely, so I'm able to be there whenever, however. I spend a lot of time with them. I give them like 110 % every day. Speaker 2 (7:59) That's awesome. I love those two little girls. That's amazing. And I love to hear Dad say that, brother. That's so cool. Speaker 2 (8:07) My challenge for you would be is this, like when it comes to finances and when it comes to degrees and college and stuff, my rule of thumb, and I come at it differently than most, but there's a, it's legal, it's economic, and I'm a person of faith. And so I do have a faith component to it, but. Speaker 2 (8:32) Anytime somebody's asking me about how do I plan my life down the road, I always tell them, you take care of your life and your friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, they take care of their life. And when you all get married, when you create this big legal hurdle, you create a thing. And then now you have an anchor point. As my buddy Michael Easter says, now it's written in ink. Then the conversation shifts to what kind of life do we want to build together? And when we are building our future together, that always comes with, oh, I thought the holidays were going to look like this. Now I want them to look like this. Oh. That picture I had in my head that I didn't even know I had is suddenly. Speaker 2 (9:17) It's it's I got to take the puzzle that was my life and I got to take all those pieces jumble them up put them back in the box and Together you and I are dumping out a brand new puzzle. It's gonna be our life and we're gonna do this thing together It's not that I have this puzzle and there's just three missing pieces She's one of them kid is one of them son is one of them. It is now that we are doing our life together That puzzle that was my life is over. It's in a box. It's gone. Like I'm putting it back on the shelf where all puzzles go to die. And I've got a new puzzle that we are doing together. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. And so part of it is like, honestly. Speaker 2 (9:53) If you always had this picture of yourself having a son and this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. And like take away hysterectomy, take away any number of health challenges that any romantic partner, any spouse has, right? The changes, like we were going to go do this and now we've got this. We were going to go do that and now we've got this. I just, I just talked to an elderly couple recently and not elderly and aging and man, they were about to retire and they Speaker 1 (10:19) had this whole wild fourth quarter planned. Speaker 2 (10:23) And then he got diagnosed with Alzheimer's. That's over. It's different, right? And so the picture she had, the wife I was talking to, I mean, it's over, gone, right? And now it is, I'm going to be really sad because the picture we made was pretty awesome. And I've got a son. Let me tell you, they're awesome. And I also have a daughter. She's awesome, right? So I've got this picture. And if I'm going to choose this woman to be my person and she's in a ton of pain, I'm going to be ride or die holding her hand as she makes hard, hard decisions. And I'll be her biggest cheerleader. And being her cheerleader doesn't also mean I don't have permission to be sad too. Speaker 2 (11:03) Both are true. If you want to do some... I always call him gangster. People roll their eyes at me. If you want to do something like hard things, you can write a letter to the sun that you won't have. Speaker 2 (11:17) and just say, I had this dream of you, buddy, and that dream's not going to come true, but I tell you what, I'm going to be the best damn girl dad that's ever existed. Speaker 2 (11:27) And those girls better watch out because the love I had for you is about to get all, you get what I'm saying? Like you can have, you can do those type of, I don't call them exercises, but you can do those type of, that type of grieving where you call it out, give somebody a name and say like, I had this dream and it's not going to come true. And that's okay. It's a choice I'm making. I'm choosing to engage in a relationship with this person who has medical condition and it's going to make her unable to have any more kids. Speaker 4 (12:02) I'm trying not to cry just because. Speaker 2 (12:08) You're good, man. I'm sitting here with you. You're good. Speaker 4 (12:15) You know, I just had this. Speaker 4 (12:23) I just had this dream for the longest time. And so... You know Speaker 4 (12:33) To say that this will... Never happened. It's just... Speaker 4 (12:44) You know, my fiancée has gone through a lot of medical. She's come such a long way. She was diagnosed with... Speaker 4 (12:58) anxiety and also depression. She went through TMS, came out of that. And so right now she is no longer on medication. And so we're taking it day by day, seeing how that goes. But she's matured. She's come such a long way and she's given up so much in her own life too. And so that's why I wanted to call in. Speaker 2 (13:24) I appreciate it. I bet you've grown too, huh? Speaker 2 (13:30) Maybe. Speaker 4 (13:30) That's a question. Speaker 2 (13:34) I know. I've got friends who are like, that dude's never grown up either. But you have, man. You're different now. You go to school after working a full-time job for different reasons now. Speaker 2 (13:46) it was probably to make a bunch of money and to get a new career. Now you got these two little girls saying, that's Speaker 4 (13:52) my dad. Speaker 2 (13:53) Yeah. Speaker 4 (13:53) Yeah. I just want to put us in a much more, um, Speaker 4 (13:59) There Speaker 2 (14:00) you go. And, and. Speaker 2 (14:03) I'm going to lay out. I always want to be as honest as I can. So I'm going to lay out the other harsh truth here. Okay. Speaker 2 (14:10) You're not legally married. You can leave. Speaker 4 (14:14) Yeah, we thought Speaker 2 (14:14) about Speaker 4 (14:15) that or she brought that up to me, but I'm like no Speaker 2 (14:20) Okay, so here's why that's really important. Speaker 2 (14:23) A lot of times grief, things that we don't want to have happen, happen to us. Right? And sometimes we get put in a situation. It's two situations that I wouldn't wish on anybody. Speaker 2 (14:38) Right? Two hard paths. Speaker 2 (14:41) And we have to choose our heart. We have to choose the path that's gonna get us to the place that we would love to be, even though it's gonna be a really hard path. And when you say, yeah, I thought about it actually. When she said I'm out, having a third kid was such a big deal to me for my whole life that I had to stop and question, is she gonna be the right person for me? Speaker 2 (15:04) Right. But here's important. But I chose her. Speaker 2 (15:10) And when you can say those words out loud, I chose her. then Yes, she's got medical issues that you're going to be a loving partner and support her through and walk through, and she's going to make some hard decisions about surgeries and her future and