Caller: “Is My Relationship With My Kids Unhealthy?”

The Dr. John Delony Show

Dr. John Deloney addresses several callers navigating intense family crises, ranging from parental attachment concerns to sudden revelations

Key takeaways

• Dr. Deloney advises Samantha that showing affection to children is healthy, provided parents do not make children responsible for their emotional needs.
• In Wendy's case, the host identifies her drinking and the husband's volatility as more critical issues than the management of her inheritance.

Main topics

• Parental attachment and codependency
• Marital instability and substance use

Notable quotes

Secrets take a biological toll on a person and on relationships.

Conclusion

The episode provides a roadmap for navigating high-stress family trans

Transcript preview

Speaker 5 (0:05) Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com. Speaker 3 (0:15) How do I make sure that I'm not outsourcing my need for connection onto my Speaker 1 (0:19) kids after being single for five years and dealing with loneliness? Speaker 3 (0:23) It just has started to make me wonder, like, man, there's sometimes the things that I do or like the affection I give them, is it more like for me than it is for them? Gosh, Speaker 5 (0:32) great question. Speaker 5 (0:40) What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking real calls from real people. I'd love to have you on the show. Click the link in the show notes if you want to talk about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriage, what's going on in your kids' schools, whatever you got going on, give me a call and I'll sit down with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Let's go out to Calgary, Alberta and talk to Samantha. Hey, Samantha, what's up? Speaker 3 (1:09) Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. Of Speaker 5 (1:11) course. Thanks for calling. What's going on? Speaker 3 (1:13) Yeah. So my question is, how do I make sure that I'm not outsourcing my need for connection onto my kids after being single for five years and dealing with loneliness? Speaker 5 (1:23) Whoa, great question. Speaker 3 (1:25) Yeah. Where's the line on like appropriate connection versus me creating unhealthy codependency? Oh my Speaker 5 (1:31) gosh. Great question. What sparked this question? Was there a thing that happened and you were like, that's probably too much? Speaker 3 (1:40) Well, it's funny because summer is usually the hardest time when it comes to this because throughout like school year, my kids are only gone every other weekend. And then during the summer, they're gone for like bigger chunks of time. Yeah. Speaker 5 (1:53) And Speaker 3 (1:54) so it then just kind of when they come home, it's like the biggest deal to me. Right. Because obviously, like they've been gone for so long. And so it just has started to make me wonder, like, man, there's sometimes the thing that. things that I do or like the affection I give them, is it, is it more like for me than it is for them? What's the line of, and I don't know if this is because like, I don't have a partner to kind of, um, glean some of that from too. If, if I'm just like looking to them for it. Speaker 5 (2:25) Yeah. Um, let me say out of the gate, I mean, I, I've got a ride or die partner. It's awesome. And when my kids are gone for a week, they're at a summer camp or something. I'm so over the top when they get home. Speaker 4 (2:41) And Speaker 5 (2:41) I want them to feel that their dad was happy that they're home. Yeah. Like a two, like I don't mind telling my 10 year old daughter, I miss dad hugs. I don't mind telling my 16 year old son, I missed, I missed my morning Hank hug. Right. So like that, that's awesome. I want your kids to know that mom's life is better when they're Speaker 2 (3:02) home. Speaker 5 (3:03) Okay. It's not a bad thing. It will make going to college hard and all that, but who cares? Like I want them to know that mom, that the home is not complete when you're not here. which is really hard in a co-parenting situation like you're in, right? Speaker 3 (3:19) The Speaker 5 (3:20) other side of that is I don't know how this works, and I'm sure Huberman could give me a breakdown of the neurochemistry. I don't fully understand it all. It's been my experience that kids know when they are responsible for their parents' emotional needs. Speaker 3 (3:41) It's Speaker 5 (3:41) like sitting in a backpack. It's like wearing a backpack and then suddenly you click the shoulder straps and the around the waist strap. I'm carrying them. And so for you, I think the balance is you don't have a spouse and I hear some longing there. You don't have a partner. But also, I would ask you, do you have a gang of friends that you... tell the dark stuff and the good stuff to? Do you have a group of friends that y'all do stuff regularly, especially when the kids aren't home? Do your kids, can they feel on you that you've got other adults carrying the emotional weight of adult friendships and adult relationships so that when they're home, you can have appropriate, mom's just going to be ridiculous about you guys being here relationships. You get what I'm saying? Speaker 3 (4:28) Yeah, no. And I definitely do have, like I've created a really great community and I have an amazing family and like, it's, it's just more so like, I don't, I don't know if like me missing out on time with them and them being in this situation that I never wanted for them in the first place has just made, changed my perspective on like being a parent or Speaker 4 (4:50) if it's just, I Speaker 3 (4:52) don't, I don't know. I kind of have a hard time like articulating it, but, um, let me Speaker 5 (4:57) see if this helps. Parents should not be able to breathe when their kids are gone for two or three weeks. Speaker 4 (5:03) Yeah. We Speaker 5 (5:04) shouldn't norm that. And so a big chunk of your heart is out running around somewhere where you're not. That's never been that way in all of human history until recently. Speaker 2 (5:20) Forever. Speaker 5 (5:21) For all of human history, that hasn't been the way it is. Especially for moms. Speaker 2 (5:31) Yeah. And Speaker 5 (5:32) so it should never, I hope it never becomes comfortable. I hope it never becomes norm. Now you should have 24 hours of, ah, right. Nobody's like, Hey, can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Can I like, like there is a, an exhale. Speaker 4 (5:47) Yeah. Speaker 5 (5:47) Right. For me, it's about 12. It used to be 24 hours and it's, it's, it's getting shorter and shorter. It's about 12 hours for me. Speaker 2 (5:54) Yeah. When they're gone, I'm just like, Speaker 5 (5:56) I can watch whatever I want to watch at whatever volume I want to watch. I can eat whatever, like it's awesome for 12 hours and then I'm miserable. Speaker 3 (6:04) Right. Speaker 5 (6:05) And that's like, I don't want you ever apologizing for that. Speaker 3 (6:09) Yeah. I think it's even just like more so like when they're home for Christmas, the amounts of time, like I just, I don't like it. like, they'll give me a hug or like, we'll sit on the couch and like cuddle or like every once in a while, I let one of them, um, have a sleepover in my bed with me. And it's just like, sometimes it's just like, they're just filling my cup so much. All Speaker 5 (6:33) of that is awesome. Samantha. Don't stop doing any of that. Okay. Okay. Okay. Don't ever, we still have couch pile at our house. I got a 16 year old now and it's, it's turned into, and this is totally age appropriate. You got to at least come watch part of this movie with us. Right? Like, and he's like, come on guys. And that's exactly what he should be doing at that age. But, um, we still do our absolute best to have as many dinners around the table as we can. Speaker 5 (7:06) I still on a regular basis, I don't want to tell you about my family anymore. This is about you and your family. Yes and yes and yes. Let your kids fill your cup, but don't make it their responsibility when it's getting low. But Speaker 3 (7:25) I think my question though is like, what does that look like? Like what are the little things I can watch out for to make sure that it doesn't? Speaker 5 (7:34) Are you asking them to carry secrets for you? Speaker 4 (7:46) No, not at all. Speaker 5 (7:48) Are you asking them to, when you get sad, is it their job to make you less sad? Be Speaker 3 (8:04) upset about something. And I'll just tell them, mom's just sad right now. And I mean, sometimes they'll give me a hug and I'll just tell them like, thanks, I really needed that. Speaker 5 (8:17) I don't know if that's Speaker 3 (8:19) not Speaker 5 (8:19) appropriate Speaker 3 (8:20) though either. Speaker 5 (8:21) That means you're A, showing your kids that you're a full human being, and B, they have a natural human response, which is to lean into the people in their tribes hurt and hug. All of that is right and good. I'm not confused because I know we live in a crazy world. I guess it breaks my heart that you're wondering if that's right. Speaker 3 (8:47) Well, I think the bottom line with that is like, I've just seen them experience so much hurt over the past few years. And like, maybe I'm carrying some guilt. Like I don't ever want to be the source of it. Yeah. So, you know, and so I think it's become where I just like, I'm overthinking things now because I so badly do not want to put anything else on them, you know? Speaker 5 (9:13) So. Speaker 5 (9:16) I'm going to speak as honestly and boldly as I can, but I want you to hear me say I'm 1000 % on your team. Is that cool? Speaker 2 (9:23) Yeah. Speaker 5 (9:24) All right. Paint me a picture of the divorce. Speaker 3 (9:30) Yeah, it wasn't good. What Speaker 5 (9:32) does that mean? Speaker 3 (9:34) Like their dad walked out when my son was three months old. Speaker 3 (9:42) I, uh, yeah, it just dealt with a whole ton of rejection. There was a lot of things during the divorce where he just started spewing things that were so untrue and tried to paint me out to be a bad mom, which at the core, like I know if out of anything that I am, I know I'm a good mom. And so I think there's just. Because of like, I tried to shield them from that as much as I could when I was going through it. Right. But I just, and I see like on their end, like he doesn't reach out. He doesn't come to anything outside of like his weekends. Right. And so I just see on them too, like how much like at certain times, like pain it's caused them. Yeah. And so I just don't want to ever be a source of that for them. Okay. Speaker 5 (10:30) So how old are they? Speaker 3 (10:34) seven and five. Okay. Speaker 5 (10:36) So here's the uncomfortable truth that you know, but I'm just gonna say it out loud. They're, they're going to suffer a lot. Speaker 2 (10:47) Yeah. Speaker 5 (10:48) They're going to be in a lot of pain and their, their world is unsteady now because dad walked out. Okay. No kid should endure that. No wife should endure that with, especially with a three month old baby. Right. Right. Like all of this is wrong. Speaker 3 (11:08) And Speaker 5 (11:08) so trying to shield them from all of that is, is it's not even a good use of your energy because it's happened. Right. So. Speaker 5 (11:24) If I'm from Houston, so there was a lot of hurricanes growing up. If there's a hurricane bearing down on my house and I grab my two kids when they were younger and I shield them with my body as that thing destroys our home, that's right and good. But if the sun comes out the next morning and my house is in rubble and I won't let them stand up, now I'm suffocating them, right? Speaker 3 (11:51) Yeah. Speaker 5 (11:52) And if I continue to hunch over them and say, no, y'all can't leave. And if y'all get out from under my shadow, underneath like my, if y'all get out from under my body, I'm going to fall. Y'all need to hold me up. Then that's tough. But knowing, hey, this, our whole house is gone now. And not for one second do I want y'all to feel like y'all are alone in this. I'm right here. Because my house is blown up too. It's not going to put the house back together right away. But they will have an anchored, sturdy presence in their life forever. And that will be you. Speaker 2 (12:34) And Speaker 5 (12:35) your kids will always wonder what was so bad about them that dad left. Speaker 5 (12:41) And as they get older and he tries to be cool dad and they're going to, I mean, you're going to, you'll deal with that, right? Dad lets us do it. I know. But when you're here, we don't. You're the worst mom. I can't. That will be part of weathering this whole thing. You just got put on a roller coaster that you had never intended to get on. Speaker 4 (13:00) Yeah. Speaker 5 (13:00) It'll have big highs and big lows, but I don't ever want you to doubt ever hugging your kids. Speaker 5 (13:08) I don't want you to ever doubt the moments when you're just overcome by the grief and you're sobbing and your five-year-old says, mommy, what's wrong? And you say, mommy's really sad right now. And they come give you a hug. If you want to get really technical, maybe you look at your kid and say, you have magic hugs and they make mommy feel better. It's a little bit different than I need this right now, right? Speaker 3 (13:30) But Speaker 5 (13:30) I don't even mind that. I don't