A Dose of Deception

The Dating Detectives

The episode recounts Ivy's harrowing experience with her second husband, who transitioned from a seemingly perfect partner to an abusive gas

Key takeaways

• Ivy's husband maintained a secret bank account containing $32,000 used for sex shops, hotels, and strip clubs.
• The husband utilized gaslighting techniques to make Ivy believe her suspicions about his infidelity were symptoms of mental instability.

Main topics

• Gaslighting in relationships
• Infidelity discovery

Notable quotes

Your gut is screaming at you, your femtuition never needs evidence.

Conclusion

A powerful testament to the importance of trusting one's intuition and

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) The following program contains names, places, and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following program is provided for entertainment purposes only, and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support. Speaker 3 (0:38) Happy Dating Detectives Monday. Speaker 2 (0:40) Jinx. Jinx, you owe me a Coke. Hi, everybody. Speaker 3 (0:44) They say, Jinx, you owe me a Coke, but if you're under the same roof, you owe me something else. How does it? I don't know. Girl, I don't know. Speaker 2 (0:52) I was going to say, that sounds like something your son says, and he's got to teach us the cool slang. Speaker 3 (0:58) The lingo. Six, seven. Speaker 2 (1:00) Oh my god, don't bring that back. Anyway, we Speaker 3 (1:04) have an interesting story for you guys today. And I think the most interesting thing for me is how the commonalities between a lot of our guests and this guest and how, how do do do narcissists and these these dogfish take the same courses on how to be dogs? I Speaker 2 (1:24) think so. Because this is just It's one of those stories where you're like, you know that people do this. And yet every time it's hard to believe. But the gaslighting is on another level. So her name is Ivy. She's got the best attitude about this. So I'm excited for you all to hear if you are going through any kind of relationship ups and downs, perhaps a breakup where you're like, there is no way I'm ever going to feel good again. Speaker 1 (1:45) I Speaker 2 (1:46) feel like she would be the perfect friend to talk to because she's going to make you feel like you can get through anything. Speaker 3 (1:52) So big fan of Speaker 2 (1:53) her. Speaker 3 (1:54) Speaking of that, I really want to thank our audience for being so gracious and kind and respectful and loving. Thank you for supporting us and our show, but also for supporting our guests and just listening to these stories, just helping other people feel like they're less alone helps us heal and get through some of these things. So we're so grateful for you. Thank you so much. Speaker 2 (2:14) And if you want to get more involved with the Dating Detectives, there are a couple of ways to do it. One, we're always accepting your stories. So you can email stories to investigate at thedatingdetectivespodcast.com. Put in the subject line a little bit about what your story is. So don't just say like dogfish story. We know. Speaker 1 (2:36) Like Speaker 2 (2:36) give us a little bit more. So our producer, Molly and... Kiva have an easier time going through it. And then you can bullet point, you can write it out. However, even if it just feels good for you to write it out, you could just send it and be like, I don't know, I just, I just needed to vent. And then we'll reach out to you if it's one we can move forward with. We get a lot. So if we don't reach out right away, we're sorry, but. we are going through them and all of your stories are important. So yeah. And Speaker 3 (3:02) just know that anytime you share your story, a lot of people think, well, I don't know if this is crazy enough. These stories don't have to be crazy. This is about real life scenarios. And we just want to be a platform and an ear for you. And again, the more people hear these stories, the less alone they feel. So thank you for sharing. Please don't hesitate. And also join us on Patreon. We have the new tier for several months now. We have the $5 tier, which is. She gives you two bonus episodes and some more one-on-one community. Yeah. Community time with me and Hannah, but the $9 tier, we call it the girlfriend experience. It's like the ad free listening. So thank you. Thank you to all of our current Patreoners and sleuthies. And we encourage you to join the Patreon and just continue to support us. Thank you so much. Speaker 2 (3:50) And then social media. at Dating Detectives Podcast, all of the places. And you can like comment with each other. I love when you find each other, you'll hear in the story, you need your community. So find it with the sleuthies. Speaker 3 (4:05) Shall we? Yeah, let's give it to Ivy. Speaker 3 (4:11) Hi, Ivy. Thank you for being here. We would like to give you the floor. We would love if you would take us on your journey, please. Speaker 1 (4:18) I met my ex about 10 years ago. We were both going through divorces. I was going through my first divorce. I have two boys. I had no plans on ever getting married again. My kids were eight and 12. I went through my first divorce. We just grew apart and it was just time to move on. I moved out of my house in May and at the end of June, I actually met my second husband. Speaker 1 (4:42) And how'd you meet? I have a hair salon and he was doing work there. He's a plumber. So I had some sinks that broke and I had a friend who referred him to me and we just hit it off. As soon as he came in, we started talking. We were both going through divorces. We're both going through the same thing. And that night I decided to ask him out and see what happened. So we pretty much were together every day since then on out. Speaker 2 (5:06) Oh, so it moved that fast? Yeah, Speaker 1 (5:09) it really did. I mean, I didn't introduce him to my kids for like a year. So it wasn't, I guess, not every day. It was the days I did not have my boys that I would hang out with him. And yeah, we just really hit it off. A year is a Speaker 3 (5:21) good amount of time. Like, that's a long time. And that's commendable. Speaker 2 (5:26) And Speaker 1 (5:26) they're going through a divorce, too. So it makes sense. And especially eight and 12. Oh, yeah. I was in no hurry. My youngest took it really hard. I was in no hurry to bring someone else around them. Plus, I didn't know if I ever wanted to really be serious with anybody again. Speaker 3 (5:40) I felt that. Okay, Speaker 1 (5:41) so Speaker 3 (5:41) tell us Speaker 1 (5:42) about the early days of this courtship. It was good. We went through a lot because his divorce was kind of ugly. But we had a great time. We'd go to football games. We would go to plays. We would do something fun every single weekend. Speaker 2 (5:57) What about him made it okay for you to... jump into a relationship because you just said that you were like, I don't know if I'll ever get married again. I don't care. And all of a sudden now, were you ever like, wait, why is he making me change all of my beliefs? Speaker 1 (6:11) Yeah, for sure. But he just, he made me so happy. We love to do everything together. We just, we had a really good, a good thing for a long Speaker 3 (6:19) time. Speaker 1 (6:21) So we dated, and then we finally decided to introduce all the kids together. He had three, and I have two. That took a long time for all the kids to get along, and they're all pretty much the same age, so it was a rough ride there for a minute. And then finally, our oldest, his oldest, was going to the military, and we decided to get married before he left. So that he could be part of the Speaker 3 (6:45) ceremony? Speaker 1 (6:46) Yep. I really did not want to get married. I was happy just living together, but he did not want to live together unless we were married. And at that time, I was paying a lot of money for health insurance, so we decided to just go for it. I truly thought he was my soulmate. I thought he came into my life for a reason. Speaker 2 (7:02) Were you already living together before you got married? Nope, Speaker 1 (7:05) we did not move in together until after we got married. Speaker 2 (7:08) Oh, okay. I have a question, but maybe, I mean, I know hindsight's 20-20. Were there any red flags? Speaker 1 (7:15) I mean, there were many red flags the whole time. He had another kid. Two of his kids are a month apart. And so obviously, you know, he had another woman for a long time. Speaker 2 (7:25) Oh, so they were Speaker 1 (7:26) two Speaker 2 (7:27) different. Speaker 1 (7:28) Yep, but he was, he's a charmer. He just acted like he could change and people change and that was the past in his life. He really truly seemed like this great person. Speaker 2 (7:39) So he was open to talking about it? Oh yeah, he was very Speaker 1 (7:43) open. He didn't try to hide things. He was open to everything. Everybody thought he had changed when he met me. Everybody thought he was this great person. Even his ex was so happy for him and us. She'd say, he's not like that with you. He's so different. And we really, everybody thought he changed. Speaker 2 (7:58) Alrighty. Okay, so you get married. Speaker 1 (8:01) We get married and things are great. I really thought I had this great marriage. He was never mean to me. He would do everything for me. He definitely treated me great. And Speaker 3 (8:13) he still worked during this Speaker 1 (8:14) time? Speaker 3 (8:14) Like he maintained his job and everything? Speaker 1 (8:16) Yep. He kept his job. COVID happened. You know, I came home for a little while. I was home. He still worked. He was still going strong, getting out every day. And then a few years in, we're probably like... Well, it was probably three and a half years in, four years in maybe. And he just flipped a switch. And all of a sudden he came home one day and he wasn't happy, but it wasn't me. He was going through something. He didn't know what it was and he needed to figure himself out. Speaker 3 (8:45) Wait, so like everything was fine, even keel, like normal life. And then one day he just came home and it was different. Speaker 1 (8:52) One day he just came home and it was different. All of a sudden he needed his own friends. And my sister had had a baby that we were kind of helping take care of when he was little. And it was his idea to actually help her out for the first year. And then that became a problem one day. Yeah. Speaker 3 (9:07) Okay. Speaker 1 (9:08) You know, that was like, oh, well, we just have him all the time and I want to go out and I want to do this. And he roughed football. So he would go out with the guys on Fridays and stuff. So I was like, what are you talking about? Speaker 2 (9:19) what was going through your head when he switched up? I Speaker 1 (9:22) was just super confused. I had no idea what was going on because it wasn't like us. We were so close. We were the type who sat and snuggled on the couch every day or, you know, made dinner together and went on vacations. And yeah, we had literally just bought a camper on a permanent site on a lake. That's Speaker 3 (9:40) a Speaker 1 (9:40) big deal. Right Speaker 3 (9:40) before Speaker 1 (9:40) that, yeah. And that was supposed to be where we would go hang out. And then that next summer, he just left me there pretty much the whole summer claiming he had to work. Speaker 1 (9:49) Yeah, it was a switch. So he didn't hang out Speaker 2 (9:52) with you? No, Speaker 1 (9:53) no. Emotionally, it was heartbreaking. Like I said, I truly loved my husband. I loved him with everything I had. And I thought he felt the same about me. So when I felt him pulling away, it almost made me feel sick because I'm like, what is going on? Like I was so, I did not even understand at all where this came from. Were you Speaker 3 (10:09) blaming yourself? Like, what have I done? Well. Speaker 1 (10:12) Yes, I was blaming myself because I'm a very open person. So I would always tell him what's bothering me and he wasn't. He would always hide everything in. So I'd be like, please just open up to me. Like, give me a list, write it down. Because at that point he'd be like, oh, it's not you, but you know, everything you do bothers me. So I'm like, well, tell me what bothers you and I'll work on it. But he can never give me specifics of what bothered him. Just everything I did bothered him. You know, I... I talked to him a certain way. One time he told me, I go, give me one thing, one thing that I've ever done to you. And he doesn't drink. So one night we were out and he was like, I don't know, probably telling me to not drink anymore or whatever, which I barely ever go out anyways. But I was like, okay, dad, you know, like calm down. And so that was the only thing he could come up with is the one time I called him dad while we were out. Speaker 3 (10:56) So he was grasping at straws. Speaker 1 (10:58) Yes. Yes. So I got him to go to marriage counseling. How did that Speaker 2 (11:03) conversation go? Speaker 1 (11:04) I begged and pleaded for it to go to couples therapy. He had already been in therapy himself and he wanted me to go to my own first. He's like, yes, we should go to couples therapy, but you need your own. You have your own issues you need to work on. Speaker 2 (11:17) So Speaker 1 (11:18) I would go there and even with her, I'd be like, I just don't understand what's going on. And I'd be like, but I don't really think my husband would ever cheat on me. I don't think that's him. I really think he's going through something, but things are adding up. Speaker 3 (11:27) And then finally I made an appointment and we went. Speaker 1 (11:30) And the first couple sessions were good. At first, I thought it was going okay. He would talk about things like he all of a sudden had like ED problems. And he was going to get, you know, like erectile dysfunction. Okay, yes. So but then he would turn it around and blame it on me. Like I was the problem. You know, I was the one causing him to have issues. He would tell me he didn't feel like I was attracted to him and I'm making it weird because after a while of trying when it's not working, it is awkward. And he would act like I was making it awkward to him. And I was going to the doctors, getting medication, but then he wouldn't take it. And I was like, that's weird. Like, why wouldn't you take it? Speaker 2 (12:11) Mackenzie, we both love a deal. And I just learned about... Speaker 1 (12:16) Say less! Yeah, so, Speaker 2 (12:17) and we're both a little bit rebellious. And I just learned about Rebel. Have you heard of Rebel? Speaker 3 (12:23) Oh, yeah, I have heard of them. Actually, they I just I mean, this has got to be new. Speaker 2 (12:28) Well, it's great. It's the place to go where you get the brand names you actually want at prices that are such a win, like literally up to 70 % off. So you don't have to choose between the brand you want and the price you want. It removes the trade off. And there's constantly new finds dropping all the time. There's always something worth checking for. And it's a very cool concept. Basically, it just buys returns and overstock from direct brands and has those relationships so that you can get the actual high quality, great products that you want at a better price. Oh, I like this. While they last. That's the one thing. It's the kind of place where it's like you want to be checking to make sure you're getting those savings up to 70 % off, like I said. while the finds