Running a Business, Household, and Brand—Can You Really Do It All?

the bossbabe podcast

Dr. Shefali and Natalie discuss the pressures millennial women face in balancing career, motherhood, and personal identity, exploring how so

Key takeaways

• High achievement often stems from subconscious scarcity and trauma rather than true fulfillment.
• Authentic empowerment comes from integrating both masculine and feminine energies, not adopting one at the expense of the other.

Main topics

• Balancing career, motherhood, and personal identity
• Trauma-driven ambition and its impact on women's lives

Notable quotes

"We've given them things, access, wealth, opportunity from the outside, but we haven't taken care of the inside."

"You can do it all, but not all at the same time."

Conclusion

True fulfillment comes not from doing it all at once, but from embraci

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) Most statistics will show now that girls as young as eight and 10 are dieting and wanting different bodies. I mean, that's how sick we are. Despite being the most connected, despite having indulgences that my generation, we started this, could only dream of, what we've done is actually made our children sicker. Why? Because we've given them things and we've given them access and we've given them wealth and we've given them opportunity from the outside, but we haven't taken care of the inside. And the inside only can be taken care of by parental attunement, presence, and connection. And if you don't have this, the child will grow up absolutely floundering and lost. Speaker 2 (0:52) Welcome to the show. This is a long time coming. I'm really excited. I'm super excited. Where I want to dive in is I feel like a lot of women in my age demographic, millennial women. are going through a massive identity and career crisis. And the ones that I'm speaking to particularly, they have had every achievement under the book. They've grown the business. They've done the thing. Maybe they've recently become a mom in the last few years. And they, for the first time in their lives, are slowing down to ask themselves, do I actually want any of this that I've built? What do you say to the woman in that space? And why does that Speaker 1 (1:25) happen? I think because I'm the generation before the Gen Xs. I saw this coming in your generation and it was almost like a whiplash to breaking free of any stereotypes and women feeling like they wanted to shatter the ceiling at all costs, which means they were reaching for the stars, which also means that they were stepping into the lane of men, you know, and I want to be a boss, babe, or I want to own my own company and be a CEO and travel the world. And I'm going to put off motherhood and I'm going to put off family. And it was empowering, but because as anything in reaction, and I think it's deeply subconscious and many women in your generation will say, no, I wasn't doing it to step into the man's lane, but everything is a pendulum, you know? So in doing that, it wasn't out of a true feminine empowerment. It was more of taking on a masculine energy and no problem. Masculine energy is beautiful. We all have pieces of it. But I think when it's not authentic, you know, it feels then very non-sustainable. It feels very ephemeral. And I think then you've done the business. You've checked, checked, checked. You're back in where you were, you would have been in your twenties without that, which is who am I really? And how can I integrate all of me and not give up parts of me? Because I think in that masculine. embodiment, women have had to cut away from their maternal, from their feminine. And doesn't mean that they have to be a mother, but there's beauty in that from the feminine side, not that they have to be a mother, but there's beauty in, in occupying your maternal energy as well. But I think many women cut that on the side to embody this kind of more, you know, CEO mentality, but there was a loss. And so then they come back around and they're like, who am I now? So it's a different circuitous path, but we're all trying to answer the question, how can I be my most deepest authentic self without feeling I have to trade something? But let me tell you, there are times in our lives where we have to prioritize, not trade. Like you're a young mother now of very young children. You will have to maybe delay some things, not look at it as a sacrifice, but look at it as a reprioritization. And there's beauty in prioritizing things and telling yourself, I'll do that after 10 years. You know, we can't do it all. And I think your generation of women had the illusion that they could do it all. You can do it all, but not all at the same time. Speaker 2 (4:07) I think you're so right in that. I think one blessing I had is that... I had a very profitable trauma response. So I grew up without that, you know, safety, without the financial safety, without that stability. And I really wanted that control. So I started a business very young. I was driving, I was pushing, I was hustling very young, but which also meant I had kids young too. I got pregnant with my first when I was 29, which for now is pretty young, but it all felt authentic to me. But then when I became a mom that first time around, I was brought to my knees, the depths of postpartum identity crisis, everything. Even though I would say my entire 20s, it felt very authentic. Now I can see there was a bit of a trauma response under it, but it really worked for me because it built an incredible life. So how do we wrestle with that? That, you know, it does serve us to an extent, but then we often have this huge juxtaposition in that. we at some point do have to reckon with, have I actually put my identity on the back burner to go at this thing? Speaker 1 (5:09) Yes. And what you're saying is so true because most of us achieve high, high, high heights out of some hunger. And that hunger could come from a hunger for money, a hunger for validation. But when we overdo something, even if you overdo motherhood and decide to have seven children, it will be coming from some scarcity. Either you want more children to be validated in your religious affiliation because you feel otherwise I will be left out. Or you're having more children because you feel like it's an identity status. Or you're making millions and millions and millions of dollars, which we don't really need, out of a desire to have approval or worth in society. So any extreme identity that we create is coming from a diseased, lack-based scarcity. inner self. Too much drinking, too many children, too many cars, too many millions. It looks amazing on paper because our culture may adulate extreme wealth, but it's a diseased culture that adulates extreme wealth. So you went, you were like, I grew up in poverty. I didn't have control over my finances and my belongings. I want supreme control. So your pendulum swung to wanting to acquire extreme control and wealth. That is coming from a scarcity mindset, from inner lack of worth. So the question is, how do we create a life that has things, but is not out of this acute scarcity and hunger so the pendulum doesn't go an extreme way? And most of us are very uncomfortable living middle of the bell curve, ordinary life. To us, ordinary and average feels anathema, a curse. Because culture has adulated extreme, but it's a disease. Actually, the middle, the Buddha taught the middle path is the most beautiful because there you have enough that you feel worthy, but you don't have so much which is out of lack. And it's hard for people to strike that balance of that worth out of being ordinary and saying, today I'm going to have a healthy, ordinary day, right? That feels... unhealthy. Speaker 2 (7:27) Health Speaker 1 (7:27) in this culture has come to mean extreme hustling, extreme doing, extreme achieving. We don't realize what a trauma response, what a disease state that needs to do, do, do. And we're raising our children like that. So from three years old, children have become doers and children are not meant to be doers. Children are the epitome of being, and we need to actually learn from them. how to live in the present moment, how to be. But we're so toxic and we're so twisted that we're making them be sick like us when they embody the health that we need to emulate. But we're making them become sick like us. So by nine years old, they're on medication, they're ADHD, they're anxiety, they're bulimic. Most statistics will show now that girls as young as eight and 10 are dieting and wanting different bodies. I mean, that's how sick we are. Wow. Speaker 2 (8:23) Yeah. Speaker 1 (8:24) So how do we not do that? Well, that's why I've written my two new books, Raising Conscious Daughters and Raising Conscious Sons, because I could see that despite being the most connected, despite having indulgences that my generation, we started this, could only dream of, what we've done is actually made our children sicker. Why? Because we've given them things and we've given them access and we've given them wealth and we've given them opportunity from the outside, but we haven't taken care of the inside. And the inside only can be taken care of by parental attunement, presence, and connection. And if you don't have this, the child will grow up absolutely floundering and lost. And that's what's happening. Parents who are distracted, parents who are hustling. parents who have gotten on the bandwagon that they need to have more to be more, those parents are so unanchored that children are growing up absolutely rootless, looking for inner wealth, but instead they've been told to have outer wealth. So Speaker 2 (9:34) as parents who are listening, who are ambitious, who are driven, How can they parent in a way that, you know, they're still honoring their own ambition and they're still doing things that lights them up, but they are parenting in a way that's really present and nurturing that inner. How are they going to do it? Speaker 1 (9:52) Yeah, it's impossible. What did you do? You took a year off. Speaker 2 (9:55) You Speaker 1 (9:55) slowed down. You moved to a different place where you could have a different life. You made a trade off. So I will never say you can do it all. You can do it all, but not at the same. time, especially because we don't live in a village. We don't live in a community. So you don't have your aunties and your grandmas to help you. So you are on 24 seven. And the first thing we need to do if we want to have thriving careers is you have to build a community. Speaker 2 (10:24) If Speaker 1 (10:24) you don't want to be there, you have to call in your aunties, your sisters, your village, create a village, you know, put all your business acumen to create a really good village. Then You can step out and work 24-7 because you have people taking care of your children. But children need community. Children need connection. Children need presence. Yours or another maternal energy. They need maternal energy. And I say this not because paternal energy is bad, but in the early years, there's something about maternalism, which is warmth, softness, safety, comfort. you know, the flesh connection that typically maternal people give. Now, a man could embody maternal energy, but typically, you know, a female embodies it. But I'm not against men being that maternal energy. What do men bring? You know, what does masculine energy bring? Masculine energy a little later when they're four or five, six, that is so important because they teach risk-taking. They teach competence and achievement and going out, right? But in the early years, Young children and toddlers need to come in. They need to feel very contained and safe because they're so little, the world feels very scary. So they need the bosom. They need that lap. Speaker 2 (11:44) Your Speaker 1 (11:45) lap, your sister's lap, your grandmother's lap. It's okay. And then after four and five, when they're ready to go out into the world, masculine energy is really powerful. Speaker 2 (11:54) Yeah. Do you think it's damaging to have moms working outside of the home from an early age? Speaker 1 (12:00) Again, if the actual biological mother is not there, it's okay. But there needs to be a surrogate presence of consistent maternal energy. It could be the best neighbor who's there all the time. Doesn't matter who it is. Of course, ideally, the mother, the primary attachment figure is important. But many, you know, feminists may hear this and think I'm not feminist or think that I'm taking women back. or I'm making them feel guilty. I'm not. I am a super high achieving woman. Super achieving. I mean, you leave me alone for five minutes, I'll come out with a new business idea. But I really rein that in. for the first 10 years of my child's life. Speaker 2 (12:44) And I Speaker 1 (12:44) did things, but after I was primarily a mother, because for me, that was my adventure. I looked at it as that was my, my blessing. I wanted to learn how to be, I wanted to slow down. Like that was my challenge. So I didn't look at it as a compensation or sacrifice. I looked at it as spiritual evolution. I want to spend my thirties. slowing down. I wanted to reenter my body. I wanted to not be attached to labels and externals. I looked at it as spiritual growth so that in my forties, I could emerge really grounded. I actually used my child to keep me grounded in my thirties. And I know it sounds counterintuitive because the thirties are the age where you go out there for men perhaps. But for me, it was really important to come back into my feminine power. So I felt I was being the most feminist because I was honoring my feminine energy. So I didn't look at it as a negative thing, but many feminists look at it as a negative thing. Speaker 2 (13:46) Do you think where you're saying if it's not the mom and it's a different maternal attachment figure, do you think the mom working outside of the home from a young age, when the kids are a young age, affects the attachment between the Speaker 1 (14:00) mom and the kids? Again, it depends what she does when she comes home. Okay. So if she comes home and she's fully present, there is a tremendous power of that attachment. So after my daughter was three and four, I also had to go out of the home. So I don't knock it at all. I went out of the home. I came back at 5, 5.30, but then I turned it on and I was on for four hours. That's a lot. Yeah. Speaker 2 (14:26) You Speaker 1 (14:27) know, I was on two hours before I left. I was on for four hours and I never... plagued myself with guilt. When I was gone, I was gone, but I had a community. I had an amazing nanny. I had friends who helped me. My mother came. My daughter was never devoid of maternal attention and care. Speaker 2 (14:47) I Speaker 1 (14:47) had a present ex-husband who was there for the male part, for the masculine part. So because I had a village enough, I never plagued myself with guilt. Build a village. If you're so good at building a business, your first business is to build a village. Speaker 2 (15:04) I really, really love that. And your daughter, she's 23 now. And it's such a blessing to be able to talk to really high achieving moms who have older kids. Because I find it really tough to take parenting advice from moms with very young kids. Because who knows how your kids will, how your attachment will turn out with them. So for you now, your daughter's 23. What's your relationship with her like? And what's her reflection on you as a high Speaker 1 (15:30) achiever? Speaker 2 (15:30) How does she feel about it all? Yeah, I Speaker 1 (15:31) love that question. So not only do I have personal experience, you know, I coach hundreds and hundreds of parents. I have a coaching institute. So I see the power of what I teach. And I can tell you what I teach has never failed. I've taught fathers how to become conscious. They come into my coaching institute to become better parents and to become coaches. Then they do it as a side gig. Speaker 1 (15:57) I have seen firsthand that my daughter is so resilient despite going through a divorce where she shook and earthquakes occurred in her psyche. And she was angry with me for a good two years. Despite her anger at me, it came because of safety. She could express it. And if anyone wants to watch her being angry with me, I taped a podcast of hers on YouTube right now. And she looks angry with me. It was when she was angry, but I didn't mind because it was so apparent that she felt safe to express it, that she felt connected to tell me straight, mom, I'm so angry with you. That's the power of conscious parenting. It's not to have sprinkles and glitter and rainbows. It is to have an authentic relationship where you can struggle, but you come home. She could tell me straight. She came to me to tell me she's angry. She didn't go to AI. She didn't go to drugs. She didn't go to her best friend. I'm like, can you please go to your best friend? Can you drink a little bit? Can you have some more sex? But she came straight home to me because that is the power of a deep connected relationship. It's not that you never have conflict. It's where do you