The Adventure Zone Versus Hercules: Live in Austin!

The Adventure Zone

The Adventure Zone teams up with the mythological hero Hercules in a live show set in Austin, where Griffin, Dan, and Justin play Winnie the Pooh

Key takeaways

• The episode blends classic mythology with surreal comedy, using familiar characters like Winnie the Pooh and Pinocchio in unexpected roles.

Main topics

• Mythological adventure
• Comedic roleplay

Notable quotes

You need to do the head. You need to put the head on at least for the opening.

It's lemonade. All right, man. That is not a thing you can pause before saying.

Conclusion

The trio successfully completes their quest by defeating Cerberus and earning a

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) In the beginning, there was nothing. From the nothing, Earth coalesced, made from the very stuff of stars. At its birth, our planet was nothing more than a swirling mass of fire and chaos. Out of the flames rose the Titans, led by the powerful being known as Cronus. Cronus had three sons. The youngest, Zeus, overthrew his father to become the king of the gods. Zeus, in turn, had many, many, many, many, many, many children. But there was one, born of an affair with a mortal, who was held in his father's highest favor. His son, Hercules. To Hercules, he granted a boon. The greatest gift any parent can give their child. The power of nepotism! Hello and welcome to the Adventure Zone vs. Hercules. Speaker 1 (1:58) Sorry, I don't want to derail. What are you drinking? What is that? What are you drinking? Straight piss. You've never had a drink on stage ever. Is that what your piss looks like? Yeah, man. Cloudy and ochre. Is that squirt? What are you drinking? Oh, God. I saw him pulling it out of a big, not a joke, big bag. Yeah. He had a big bag of orange stuff that he is. It's lemonade. All right, man. That is not a thing you can pause before saying. It's fun. You should know Dad is kind of a teetotaler. And also, he did use spirit gum to glue his nose onto his face. Yeah. It's a closed, it's kind of a closed loop in there now. A closed loop, like a feed bag of huffing. Hey, man. That doesn't make me the DM nervous at all. Oh, wow. It's going to be a weird show. Look at these lights, man. Speaker 1 (2:59) I'm ready, Trav. All right. Let me weave. Please. The three of you have taken a well-earned beach vacation in Morocco. We did a live show two weeks ago, so. Yeah. That's why it's well-earned. Fair. A vacation in Morocco on the shores of Oceanus, the world ocean. You guys know. Sure. My favorite of the oceans. Yeah. Mutt, unable to get away from being king of England, charged you with a mission of utmost importance. Collect a bunch of those squish penny things to add to his immense and in his words, super cool and totally normal collection. Speaker 1 (3:37) You were able to accomplish this in about 20 minutes after getting off the boat. For some inexplicable reason that has zero impact on the plot, those penny-squishing machines were everywhere. This is what the last live show was. It was just us going from squish-penny machine to squish-penny machine. It was pretty boring, honestly. So, with a sack full of crushed coins, you reward yourself with a day at the beach. And I'd like you to go down the line, introduce your character, and tell us... how they enjoy a day at the beach. Griffin? Hi, everybody. I'm Griffin McElroy. Thanks for coming. In our celebration of fair use public domain characters tonight, I will be portraying the role of Winnie the Pooh. Speaker 1 (4:25) You need to do the head. You need to put the head on at least for the opening. I did, and I got sweaty instantly. Okay. Winnie the Pooh enjoys a day. I don't know that this is Winnie the Pooh's first time at the beach. He's just screaming. He spilled honey everywhere and then tried to eat it, and it's just crazy. He's fucking miserable. I'm a druid for the purposes of D&D, but I am not a beach druid, so really hating it, actually. Dan? My name is Clint McElroy. I play a beach cleric, but that's a whole other art. That's a different art. Yeah. I play Philo, Brother Philo, the mystical, magical man who was transformed into Pinocchio. It's always so fun to hear the people in the audience who didn't listen to Taz vs. Dracula, where Dad's character accidentally turned into Pinocchio in, like, episode five. Speaker 1 (5:30) And he also is the Turbo Cardinal of England. Interim. Interim Turbo Cardinal of England. And look, the difference between this nose and that nose. Yeah, that's good. Thank you so much. I don't know how he was going to do it. Oh, thank you, Paul. That's a shame, Paul. It was going to be like one of those dipping birds. Yeah. For our listeners at home, our dad is wearing a fake nose, I think, to... to call to the Pinocchio nature of his character, but it looks like he's glued a hot dog to his face. Yeah. It also, you're probably not close enough for this, dear audience, but every time he breathes, you can see it fucking, like, pupate. Speaker 1 (6:11) It's really, it's really. It's horrifying. Justin and I are getting constant profile of that. It sucks. The periphery is a nightmare. The periphery is a wreck. Can I get a solo camera on this? We don't have any cameras. We have one camera for our dice. Okay, and Justin? Hi, I'm Justin McElroy. How's it going? I'm portraying Lady Elizabeth Godwin, and I have spent. Please, I have spent my day at the beach getting drunk. I have found, it's interesting, I was never a big drinker before my accident, which required my very elegant head to be put onto a barbarian lady body. I was never a big drinker before, but the darndest thing, since I've been in this body, if I don't have it, I get a little grouchy. Speaker 1 (7:07) I love it. I love the stuff. And if I don't, I'm sad. I never felt that way before. But I do now. Not now, now, because I'm at the beach day drunk. Well, the three of you. What was I supposed to say? Oh, yeah. What do you enjoy at the beach, Philo? What do you do at the beach, Pinocchio? I gather up driftwood looking for relatives. I'm so glad you said relatives and not a bride. Ooh, can I change it? Nope. Nope. Too late. It's actually all of it stricken from the record. Speaker 1 (7:44) The three of you, after two of you, I guess, have fun on the beach while dad tries to find what would be his dead puppet family members. Well, we don't need to get into the bleakness of that. And eating some crunchy honey, decide to go on a walk down the beach together. And you find yourselves at the gate of a beautiful garden with a golden plaque proclaiming it the Garden of Hesperides. In the center of the garden is a towering... majestic apple tree. Yeah, I feel like something's trying to draw our attention in this image, champ. Yeah. A giant pawn shop on the beach. That's an actual picture of the Garden of Asperity's. You, you stupids. Okay. Though it is clearly thriving, it has only three apples on its branches. Three golden apples. A serpent-like dragon uncurls itself from the trunk of the tree and slithers over to greet you. Oh, visitors. Hello. Nice, nice try, Satan. Speaker 1 (8:51) No, no, I am not Satan. I am laden. Laden with evil? No, laden the dragon. Wow. Yeah, all right. My apologies. I didn't see the leathery wings. No, I get it. You see a serpent-like creature coming down from a tree with apples. Yes, we all know that other one. You see it too, right? The two of you, you see it? Yes. Excellent. All right, good news. Oh, I see it, man. I see it. Does this usually happen when you've been hitting the sauce? Actually, when I don't, is that okay? I'm so happy to have guests here, and let me ask you a question. I know this is going to seem loaded. Speaking of, tip of the hat, are you fans of Hera? Do you support the great and wonderful Hera? Yes. Sure. Speaker 1 (9:54) Absolutely. Can I roll an insight check to see what the correct answer to this question is? I don't think this is a camera-worthy roll. That is a 13 plus 3, 16. Yeah, he's looking at you like, For sure, definitely love. Excellent! Then might I grant unto you a boon from Harris Garden. Sup of these fine apples. Once again, I know how that sounds when you know the other story with the serpent in the tree, but this is a good thing, I promise. Don't make it weird. Now listen, normally we would make it weird, but before we started the show, Travis said there will be one point where someone's going to try to get you to eat something, and I know it's going to seem like it's a trick, but it's not, and please eat it and don't make it weird. Speaker 1 (10:49) So normally, I would not be taking this Layden at face value. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except for this one specific instance. I promise I'm not a turd. I'm a cool dragon guy. Professor Layden? Yeah. Oh. Yes? I eated mine already. That's good. I want you to eat them. Oh, okay. I thought it was like a... I would like to do a perception check on Winnie the Pooh to see how he's doing. That is a 13. 13 will do it. He is glowing. Not in like the, oh my God, you're glowing, but like literally glowing with like a golden aura. And you, Winnie, feel a warmth inside you. You feel cared for and protected by a powerful being. And you have gained a boon from Hera that has given you inspiration. Speaker 1 (11:48) For whenever you want to use it, you can call for advantage on a roll. I'll leave this on the table then so I remember that I have that. Yeah, that's why I gave it to you guys because I know you. Yeah. Listen, I eat at core and all. Yeah. You get the same feeling. No more because I ate the core? Do I get anything extra because I ate the core too? You're full. Okay. It sops up a little bit of the booze, but not in a way that's upsetting. Like you feel mellowed out and cool. Hey, Brother Philo, can we talk for just a second? Yes, of course. I know that you, like me, lack a sort of traditional digestive system. Yeah. And when you eat it, it just kind of bushes all out of your wooden body. Right, okay. Speaker 1 (12:32) I'm saying this time it got into my fluffy stuff inside and it didn't mess it up. So go nuts, man. Well, I'm nothing but wood down there. So, uh... Oh, shut up! We're toys. We don't have external genitalia. Speaker 1 (12:57) He specifically told us. I know. All right. Brother Philo takes it like a giant pill. Cool. Swallows it whole? Swallows a whole apple. Why not? He's a puppet. You're a little puppet. I was going to have you magically consume it, but sure. Yeah. Sure. After 15 minutes of watching Philo gag down a whole apple. I want to be clear. I was in another zip code when that was happening. I was nowhere near that. Wow, my god. Suddenly, the skies are filled with specks. As they fly closer, you can see that there are hundreds of arrows. The majority of them strike Layden. The rest strike into the ground around them. Is he okay? With an ow, Layden falls dead. Speaker 1 (13:49) An army of Greek soldiers marches forward. Joining them is a crowd of what is clearly adoring fans. A soldier in especially ornate armor steps forward and reads from a scroll. Attention, citizens of Morocco. Please join your voices and answer me. Who put the glad in gladiator? Whose daring deeds are great theater? Speaker 1 (14:22) Is he bold? Is he sweet? Our favorite flavor. Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! As the army and the adoring crowd begin chanting the name of Hercules, there is a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning. Wow. Whoa. Wow, there's even lighting effects. That's never happened before. Yeah, this is like being at the Captain EO show. Guys, I didn't even plan that. Y'all, if I had known this was going to be a 4D experience, we would have charged more. And you smell a whiff of burned ozone. Oh, a little spritz. Oh, it's like Hobbs and Shaw. You need to know we saw that movie in 4D. That's referencing. And before you stands the embodiment of a hero. He is well-muscled, but not so much as to be distracting. His hair is perfect, his body oiled. Speaker 1 (15:24) He flashes a dazzling white smile, and many of the fans and even a few of the soldiers faint. He raises his hand, and the crowd quiets. He walks dramatically to the body of Layden, turned pincushion, and he lifts the body with ease, and he addresses the crowd. This unnamed dragon. Layden. Was, what? His name was Layden. His name was Layden and he was my best friend. As I said, this unnamed dragon was a brave opponent who fought with honor and tenacity. Even though our epic battle lasted for hours, he never gave up. I commend his body to the heavens that they might form his likeness in the stars that he may never be forgotten. And with that, he hurls the corpse into the sky. Speaker 1 (16:17) Whoa, does it come down? It soars seemingly forever upward until disappearing from view. Holy shit. And Hercules claps his hands. Well, that's done. Time to grab me some apples. He turns his back on you towards the tree and you see his body stiffen. He looks around confused before his eyes settle on you. It takes him a moment like an eight-year-old doing multiplication. And then his beautiful blue eyes narrow. Hey, you three didn't happen to eat some apples, did you? We did, yes. We were offered them by that terrible, terrible dragon. I did not eat one. Hey, how come when you... Your nose grows. You can't give me that prop and then lie. Yeah, sir. I ate, I swallowed it. I didn't eat it. Yeah, Dad, read a book. Speaker 1 (17:18) I believe there's... That's the same thing, my dude. If I put a whole hamburger in my mouth and force it down my esophagus... Which you've done. I'm not going to get away in court by saying I didn't eat it. I just swallowed it. I always thought mastication was involved in the process. That's between you and your God. Okay. Also, my writer states you can't say that when you're next to me. Yeah. Sick with chewing. Mr. Hercules, is it? We did eat the apples. Because they were given to us by that nasty dragon whom you yeeted up into space. So happy. That dragon's dead, by the way. He is now. Thrilled. Can I speak to the three of you over here? Thank you. Sure thing. Do you know who my daddy is? Actually, I'm not. Speaker 1 (18:13) Zeus? Yes! The baddest motherfucker on Olympus! Whoa, what? Yeah, really. I've never heard that word before. Olympus is from Greek mythology. No, the other one. The nasty, dirty one. Oh, mother is the female partner. All right. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Did any of your dads ever turn into a swan to seduce some mortal woman? I don't think so. My dad did. Cool. Say that again, but slower. He turned into a swan and seduced a mortal woman. And I'm proud of him for that. Wait, can I? Sorry. Yeah, I've also got a few questions. Why does the goose form make it easier? A swan! Okay, yes. Why does the swan form make it easier to seduce a human woman? Yes, a follow-up. Was it a particularly hot swan? Oh, yeah. Speaker 1 (19:17) Fuck, man! Wait, how do you- I was supposed to get those apples! This was number 11 of my 12 labors, you assholes! I'm pretty sure this one won't count now, goddammit! Sorry, one of your quests was to eat three apples? Yeah, man, I had another one that was to clean out a barn. Wow. A really big barn. And that one, apparently, because my cousin Eolas helped, didn't count. Now I'm in trouble and I had to do two more. It's a weird thing. But a lot of us myths are weird. So, um, well, sorry, are you going to shoot us with a billion arrows? That was my first thought, yes. Oh, no! Take your best shot. What? Take your best shot. No, no. Let's not. He just threw a strap in his face. He starts to gesture towards the soldiers, but then that ornately dressed soldier steps up and whispers something in Hercules' ear, and Hercules responds in a low voice, That's a great idea, Eolus. Speaker 1 (20:21) All right, everyone, all on my own, I've just come up with a brilliant idea. I challenge these three in a race to complete my final labor. If I win, then I am clearly superior and therefore declare that I also get credit for getting the apples. If they win, they will not be smited, smote, smote-ed. Smitten, they will not be smitten by my dad. It depends on if he's in his hot goose form or not. Yeah. You would be so witty. Sorry. The crowd cheers and folks shout things like, makes complete sense to me. Speaker 1 (21:07) And he turns back to you and says, you all are lucky. The last one is easy. First to journey through the underworld and capture the three-headed hound, Cerberus wins. Dad, would you help us out? And there's a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning. Nope, only the first time. That's cool. Okay. After your... Speaker 1 (21:38) That was the god Marimba. Nothing, nothing, nothing funnier is going to happen on this stage tonight. Then come on, God, give it to me. After the three of you disappear, several of the soldiers are struck by something. It's the body of the dragon Layton as it hurls back to Earth, squishing them into the ground. Speaker 1 (22:05) When your vision clears, you find yourself in the underworld. The underworld. On the shore of a wide and rushing river. Eerie, light, green water teeming with the spirits of the dead. Hercules is nowhere to be seen. What do you do? What do we see on the other end of the river? And I hope the answer isn't five big fucked up skeletons because that is what the visual reference would suggest. Griffin, all I see is plumes of smoke. You see skeletons in those? Sorry. Can I roll a perception check to see what I see? I forgot we were playing Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah. You thought I was just weaving a great story. 17 plus 6, 23. That's really good. Speaker 1 (22:52) You see a little way down the shore from here, a boat parked at a short pier. The boat has many seats and a canopy covering the top. Besides the boat stands a tall shrouded figure with a hood pulled up over his head. He stands behind a set of stanchions with a velvet rope across them. Philo makes a religion check to see whom this person is. That one never gets trotted out on the Adventure Zone, especially at live shows. I'm so excited for our first ever live religion check. Roll for me, Dan. Okay. Hell yeah, digital tabletop. And it is a Dirty 20. Speaker 1 (23:40) You recognize this from your brief studies of Greek mythology, that this is the boatman Keren, the ferryman of the river Styx. Awesome. Who wants to see your manager. It's the first time he's ever heard that joke. According to my inventory, I've got 39 gold coins for some reason, so. Excuse me, Mr. Skeleton? Yes? Is this money enough for a ride across the river? I do not accept gold coins, only pennies. Is there a fucking ATM or something? Oh my God! Hercules has really spoiled me. Is it okay if they're slightly smushed? Whatever could you mean? Speaker 1 (24:38) Well, we have a whole bunch of slightly smushed pennies. Souvenir pennies for my collection. Now, hold on a second. We can't just be giving those away. We promised them to Mutt. I mean, no, but it's Mutt. Yes, and he loves smushed pennies. That's the whole reason we're doing this. Well, I know, but... The pennies are the mission. I only require one penny for each of you. Come on. You have 57 pennies in that sack. I can see it from here. Paul, can I have more monitor? I cannot understand a damn word my brother is saying. In this voice. What is so hard to understand about the way I speak? All of it? Yeah. Okay, I guess. Thank you, Paul. Karen clears his throat. Sorry, man. Yeah. Is that better? One more time. Yeah. Is that better? I just need like one penny for each of you. Hit the T's a little harder. One penny for each of