Are your dealbreakers sabotaging your love life? | Amy Chan
TED Talks Daily
Relationship expert Amy Chan explores the 'relationship recession,' a phenomenon where individuals become increasingly lonely due to hyper-f
Key takeaways
- The brain's evolutionary negativity bias causes daters to scan for threats and flaws instead of potential connections.
- Modern culture has rebranded unrealistic expectations as 'high standards' through the promotion of dating horror stories and 'red flags.'
Main topics
- The relationship recession
- Negativity bias in dating
Notable quotes
We are over-optimizing for what fades the fastest.
Conclusion
By distinguishing between true dealbreakers and mere preferences, indi
Transcript preview
Speaker 3 (0:01) you You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu. Amy Chan has spent two decades as a dating columnist and relationship expert, and she's noticed something. We've never been pickier or lonelier. Speaker 2 (0:20) Researchers are warning we are in a relationship recession. So what's driving this? Her advice for Speaker 3 (0:27) getting out of it? Date the short guy or the quiet one. or the person who's nothing like your type. People say Speaker 2 (0:35) they want love and then eliminate the very people they can build it with. I've helped people who were perpetually single, stuck in situations of purgatory, create healthy, lasting relationships. But only after they stopped doing the very thing they thought was protecting them. Speaker 3 (0:57) In her talk, Amy lays out the three hidden forces working against us, our brains, and our dating apps. She shares why the qualities we chase the hardest are exactly the ones that matter least, pointing to a study of 11,000 couples that found the things we obsess over early rarely predict whether love will last. But Speaker 2 (1:18) you know what did? The quiet qualities. Whether your partner is committed to you. Whether you feel appreciated by them. How well you handle conflict together. The stuff that only shows up on a random Tuesday when you're sick. And they bring you soup without you having to ask. Speaker 3 (1:37) And Amy would know. But knowing all of this still almost wasn't enough. She nearly swiped past the best relationship of her life. All because of one bad photo. That's coming up after a short break. Speaker 4 (1:56) There's a lot of concern that AI could interfere with how kids learn and develop. But what happens when we actually ask students how they want to use these tools? There's an opportunity to help young people build self-awareness around AI and learn to use it in ways that empower rather than undermine them. The narrative out there is that they cheat. But what you actually see is that so many students, when they learn how to use it, are looking at sort of problems in the world that they want to solve and building solutions and not waiting for permission. They're just building. That was VP and General Manager of Education at OpenAI, Leah Belsky, who joined me, Molly Graham, on my podcast, Work Life, to address how we can find solutions to real, valid concerns around AI's widespread implementation in education. What do we want humans to be able to do in a world where intelligence is infinitely accessible? Listen to Work Life anywhere you get your podcasts. Speaker 2 (2:59) And now, our TED Talk of the day. I'm sitting with my client. Let's call her Lisa. She looks me straight in the eye and tells me she's ready for a relationship. So I ask what she's looking for in a partner. Someone kind, emotionally available, family-oriented. Great, we're off to a good start. She then tells me her deal-breakers. No one's selfish, dishonest. Rude to service staff. Yes, reasonable. She then adds, no one under six feet tall. Speaker 2 (3:40) I'm not here to judge. We all have our lists. But the six foot height requirement, the math isn't math-in. In America, about 14 % of men are six feet or taller. Her dating pool just turned into a puddle. Now, I'm not here to just pick on height. You know, replace that with status, income, looks. If they're a Leo or God