I Shouldn't Have Come to Afghanistan

Small Brained Pod

The host documents his highly anticipated and nerve-wracking journey into Taliban-controlled Afghanistan, framing it as a necessary escalation in adventure travel content.

Key takeaways

• The host compares Afghanistan's high-risk adventure profile to China's low-risk vibrancy, noting Afghan travel requires navigating unpredictable rules and significant physical dangers.
• Border crossing from Uzbekistan involved a visa-free zone in Termez, administrative hurdles with the Taliban, and hitchhiking into Mazar-e-Sharif with locals who vouched for him.

Main topics

• Adventure travel vs risk tolerance
• Afghanistan border crossing logistics

Notable quotes

"I think so far the real danger is the cars."

Conclusion

The episode serves as a raw, unfiltered look at the psychological and physical demands of extreme travel, emphasizing

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) Greetings friends and welcome back to the small brand podcast. Today we are in lovely Kabul, Afghanistan. Now you might be asking yourself, Connor, why are you in Afghanistan? And the answer is very simple. It's because I've run out of ideas. I'm grasping at straws. I see the competition passing me by and I say, I got to up the ante. I got to go into Taliban controlled. Afghanistan for people to think I'm interesting. Because me, I'm not personally interesting enough, but maybe if I have enough riveting, gripping life experiences, I'll get enough YouTube views and that will validate me as a person. And alas, that is why we are in Afghanistan, the final frontier of adventure. Speaker 1 (0:57) I've said on the show before multiple times that I think China is probably one of the most adventurous countries you can go to. I actually recommend most people who have a decently high level of tolerance for bullshit to go to China and not to throw shade on the Jiangoran by any means. It's just the country is difficult to navigate if you're not in Beijing or Shanghai. A lot of the signage is not in English and there's just not any English support on the apps. And you have to have an app for to do everything to buy KFC and McDonald's. But that's not why you're here. I'm talking about Afghanistan. I think so. I've said this before. China is like to me, like the perfect if you talk about like X versus like Y axis. I don't know if I did that with my hands. Right. X, Y axis of like fun. versus risk it's very low risk and it's very fun and it's extremely uh vibrant culturally and um There's just a lot to offer in China and the risk is almost zero. I mean, unless you're going to the North Korean border and filming the North Korean border. And by the way, you can do that in Dandong. I've done that twice. You can do that. But we, me and Tommy went to Tumen. It's like the, it's so far up into the North Korean border. It's almost to Russia. So China, Russia, North Korea. But unless you're like intentionally seeking out those things, you will not experience troubles in China. Whereas I feel like my first impression of Afghanistan before I came here, which I still can't believe I'm saying every time the words come out of my mouth, I feel scared. that I'm breaking some kind of rule. But to me, the adventure is even higher and the risk is probably 100 times what is possible in China. Now, I'm not saying it's likely to happen, the worst case scenario, and I know exactly what you're thinking. It's one of two things. And those are the two things that Speaker 1 (3:16) Are in the back of my mind with every interaction with every Taliban checkpoint Every time I'm stepping out into the street alone I'm doing unguided even though I have like a friend that I met at the border literally I stepped foot into Afghanistan's like hey come with me We're going to Kabul and I was like bet say less and then we're on the way to Kabul I'm kind of skipping ahead a few steps, but just to you know show you who I'm with Um, now he's like, dude, let's go. We're going to go on a big road trip. Let's go further. So I'm like, fuck it. Let's just go. Let's just, let's just keep it going. Um, I forgot what I was, where I was going with that. Oh yeah. Um. Speaker 1 (3:53) I'm a little delirious, by the way, and I don't I didn't bring my mics. We should probably get that out of the way first, because I didn't want to get stopped and searched and questioned for why I have microphones, because that is something that if you're looking at a Venn diagram, a vlogger and then this other kind of person that most governments are terrified of that just as a little hint, Tommy Sabbatical has been accused of being. many, many, many, many times over. Starts with an S. You don't want to be... Speaker 1 (4:27) I don't want to be anywhere near the other side of that vending diagram. I don't want to be near the center of it. I don't want to be in the S category. Vlogger is okay. I'll say I'm a vlogger if I need to, but I've been telling people that I make clothing because I sell merch. Actually, by the time you see this, I'm not sure if we're going to still be selling merch. So get it while you can. Smallbrainamerican.store. It's just not really worth it. People don't really buy it. I don't know. Designing it is tough. Physical products just suck. I'd rather just do Patreon. Patreon.com slash SmallBrandAmerican. Double feature basically for every single video. Twice as long. Extended cuts. Early access. Oh, by the way, the fucking advertisers. Dude, they can eat a dick, bro. I think I might just be a Patreon guy from now on. All the sponsors, spots, and stuff. I had a brand just straight up not pay me. They're like, oh, you breached a contract, whatever the fuck. But it was on some bullshit. Speaker 1 (5:23) It's because I promoted Patreon in the video. They're like, oh, you're promoting a third party. I'm like, no, it's not a third party. It's my fucking brand. It's my business. It's my page. Do you get mad when I fucking promote Instagram in the caption? Is that against your stupid fucking rules, you suit? You know? But either way, let's fucking wrap that digression up. As you can see, I am very sleep-deprived and delirious, and the reasons will make sense in a bit as I explain the story a little bit further. But as I was saying, I don't want to have mics. I don't want to get searched at a Taliban checkpoint, and they find the mics, and I'm like, why the fuck do you have mics? Come in this office for four hours. And I read some pretty harrowing tales online about... these checkpoints some people said you're supposed to have the local gear on some people said just dress as a foreigner because then you won't be accused of trying to blend in and then be that you know that s word we don't want to be that we don't want to be anywhere near that I also read because I was going to do some hitchhiking in Afghanistan. It's supposed to be really easy and the people are really friendly and nice. But as you can see, you just come from the full length video. Thank you very much. As you can see, that wasn't even necessary. Like I just met a guy at the border in Uzbekistan and he's like, let's go together to Kabul. I'm like, fuck, yeah. Speaker 1 (6:48) Fuck, where was I going with that? Oh, he gave me these clothes. He insisted. But from what I read, if you hitchhike, you're supposed to dress as a foreigner, like just dress in a short sleeve shirt and pants. For ladies, obviously cover your head, but show your nice little white face. But apparently this guy that I read, there's a website called Hitch Wiki or. yeah something like that hitch wiki i think it's like wikipedia for hitchhiking and in afghanistan like it's don't it's very dangerous don't do it but generally these websites give like really good tips so you know if you're in bulgaria hey you know it's a soviet state and they really fuck with this kind of behavior they really support it um so don't worry about it like just you know they give you like really concrete details is what i'm trying to say um but afghanistan this one guy wrote a review on his personal experience and there were there were not many on hitch wiki like usually there's a there's a decent amount people leave there you know i was here and i got here and i took this many cars and you know just basic shit like kind of a tip tip sheet on on hitching that was a light looking by the way It's definitely on one side of my face. Speaker 1 (8:04) actually that looks pretty fucking good yeah okay all right we're gonna pivot this lighting is fucking impeccable um so i was reading on hitch wiki this guy have a fucking harrowing experience um he Speaker 1 (8:19) He was, I think he was dressed in, I can't remember where he was, how he was dressed. He was dressed in Western clothes. This was 2023. And he was in Kandahar, which is kind of the most conservative part of Afghanistan. So maybe take this with a grain of salt. If you choose to hitchhike in Afghanistan, if you also don't value your life very much. And as you'll come to find out, the most dangerous part of Afghanistan is not the Taliban necessarily. I guess depending on who you ask, but it's the drivers. The driving is so scary. So, so, so scary. We were on a cliff last night for like four hours. Standstill traffic. We're weaving in and out of traffic. There's no guardrail. It's like a thousand foot drop. There's loose sand and gravel next to the drop off. It's like, brother. And people are speeding and like pushing past each other. Guys are getting out and having screaming matches about who should go and who shouldn't go. It's very it's scary stuff. That is the scariest because, you know, the impending threats of something happening to you. Kind of like what your mother would think would happen to you in Afghanistan. I don't really want to say I don't want to jinx it. It is 9-11-2026 today. 25 year anniversary. I'm 9-11. So happy 9-11. How are you celebrating at home? Are you having a feast? Are you having a firework show? Are you? I don't know. Either way. So this anyways, that was another digression. I'm sorry. But the guy hitchhiking. See, there's going to be a payoff to the story, I promise. The guy hitchhiking was dressed in Western clothes. He was in Kandahar, most conservative part of... Speaker 1 (10:07) Afghanistan, it is like, I think it's like the capital of the Taliban or something. I don't know. It's something has to do, very conservative, whatever. And so he was hitching and he was on the back of a motorcycle, like three o'clock in the morning, Taliban checkpoint. They asked to see his papers. He had all the right stuff, I'm pretty sure. But since he was out so late, they were like, well, what are you doing out so late? Like, are you planning something? Are you plotting something? Are you conspiring against us? Are you a spy, whatever? So they detained him for three days. They tied him up. They tied his hands. They tied his feet. They blindfolded him. They put him in a shipping container. This is all just hearsay. This is just like a forum that I was reading. So it's not like a news report or anything. But he said everybody was like really polite and nice. And they like opened the shipping container because it was too hot. So they had to tie his hands because they didn't want to get away. I mean look And the funny thing is, the guy had a positive experience hitchhiking in Afghanistan. Like he got done and like didn't complain. He didn't he wasn't mad. He didn't curse God for for doing this to him. He was actually like, you know, I got detained for three days. And then anyways, next I went to, you know, Kabul and then I ate some street food. I'm like, how are you just brushing over this life altering incident? Like you were in Taliban prison. Speaker 1 (11:34) First he said he was in a shipping container and then he said they moved him to a prison. And he's just going to gloss over that. He didn't even say how he was. Speaker 1 (11:46) uh, what's the word vindicated or, or exonerated. He didn't say this is how it happened. If you seem, if you find yourself getting arrested in Afghanistan, here's what you do. Here's what you say. No, he was just like, I got arrested. It was 3am. I was wearing a t-shirt. Ha. I think if I was wearing the Islamic clothing, they would think I was trying to blend in. And then I was, and they would probably kill me. Ha. And then he put a smiley face. So actually, as I'm singing out loud, I'm not sure. If this was a real account or not, it felt real. It felt like one of those like really weathered travelers who have been all over the fucking world and are just giving you a straight up here is what happened. Here are the facts. They're not embellishing anything, which I guess is a good thing in this case. But they're not adding any like personal flair or like, hey, by the way, I was scared shitless. I peed my pants. They put a gun to my head. I'm not saying that that happened. And if Taliban are watching this, I. whatever you want me to think about you guys that's what i think okay whatever government is watching this video i love you okay you're doing perfect you're doing the best job possible okay Speaker 1 (13:07) That's not going to age well. I don't think that clip is going to look good on my Piers Morgan appearance. That's probably what they're going to play when they roll out the red carpet for me, if I'm even invited. That's why it's not funny. Either way, it felt like a real account. And I read that and my blood ran cold. I was leaving for Afghanistan the next day. literally, I was in a hotel room in Uzbekistan and I was like, boom, we're ready. I got the visa. I got everything. And I'm skipping ahead a few steps, but we'll rewind it. We'll come back. We'll do the chronological thing. Sitting in my hotel room like, why the fuck am I doing this again? And by the way, with Afghanistan, you can't. There is no credible source of information for Afghanistan because the rules do not exist. Or they're just like on the whims of whoever you meet, whatever bureaucrat. or whatever police officer, or whatever soldier you meet, it is up to how they feel at the time. So it's very difficult to plan a trip. And that is actually why I would recommend you get a guide for Afghanistan if you have the dark tourism gene in you and you really want to see it. Although you could do like I did and just kind of show up unplanned and someone will meet you, someone will find you because that does happen here. But if you're the kind of person that you know, when you take that first leap into the cold water, you like think you're going to drown, then maybe, maybe don't. Honestly, if I wasn't a YouTuber, I would probably take, I'd probably be happy to take a tour of Afghanistan, even though it is a little annoying and the tour guides don't let you do your own thing. That is annoying. Speaker 1 (14:45) It's hard to say. It's hard to say. I probably would take a tour. I probably would take a tour and then come back and then not do a tour. But you can go without a tour, obviously, because I'm fucking doing it. But I guess you can make the argument I have a tour guide because I met a guy and I'm probably going to pay him some money to show me around. So I guess that's a tour guide. But I count it as hitchhiking because, you know, I like to think of myself as a little more fun than that. Anyways, so there's really no there is no way to know. Like, yes, okay, of course, get your permits for every city you're going to go to. The first city you show up to in Afghanistan, mine was Mazar-e-Sharif. Most people recommend Kabul, but right when you land, right when you whatever the fuck, walk across the border from Tajikistan, whatever it is, right when you get into Afghanistan, you have the first city you go to, you have to go to a, it's called like Ministry of Culture. And there's a few like WeChat groups where you can arrange a trip like this, a self-guided trip. But there's a list of pins and you have to go here right when you get to Afghanistan and show, hey, you know what? I'm a good person. I'm here. I know this these couple of guys in Afghanistan and they're going to they're going to set me up in the right direction. They don't really want you to go alone because there is still the risk of insurgency. You know, maybe some other reasons I can't really get into publicly, but they would like you to register with the Taliban so they know where you are and pay a little bit of money. It's like 20 bucks per permit. I got five, which I think I really only needed to pay for three, but that's a different story. But you pay per province, right? And so you got to get your permits, give them the phone number of somebody in Afghanistan, and then. I was really lucky because I guess we'll just get into the story. I was in Uzbekistan. I really wanted to cross from Pakistan because in Peshawar, there is a... Speaker 1 (16:43) The same ethnic group that lives in Peshawar home. I'm gonna let us dig I got the The smoking room. How's the hairline looking today? Not great? Yeah. By the way, my hands. I don't know if you can see on this camera. My hands are disgusting. I haven't washed them. I haven't washed my hands in like two days. You'll get to know why in a second. Speaker 1 (17:13) So we get to, uh, by the way, every time I look at my phone, it's September 11th. It's fucking. Speaker 1 (17:19) I'm such a fucking idiot. I also filmed the video or an intro for this video. Speaker 1 (17:25) Where I start by saying happy September 11th. I don't know if I could keep that dude. Greetings friends and happy September 11th. Might have to run that by some people. I have to call it Pierce, see what's good. See if that's PC enough to be on CNN or whatever the fuck. Speaker 1 (17:44) I don't know. Who knows? Maybe I'll be labeled as a Tala bro. The thing is, you can't come here and have a good