The Sneaky Swear

Secret Mum Club with Sophiena

The hosts of The Secret Mum Club, Safina and Emma, catch up after a brief hiatus and dive into the chaotic realities of modern motherhood. They share personal

Key takeaways

• Emma recounts a severe spider phobia triggered by three spiders in her countryside home over three days, leading to sleepless nights and checking bedding nightly.
• Safina discusses the emotional difficulty of transitioning her two-year-old Renly out of preschool while simultaneously navigating secondary school applications for Colby.

Main topics

• Childcare transitions and preschool anxiety
• Secondary school applications and curriculum changes

Notable quotes

"I feel like a prisoner in my own home."

Conclusion

The episode underscores that motherhood involves navigating unpredictable emotional

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:04) Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. This podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do, and as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You Speaker 2 (0:16) can Speaker 1 (0:16) keep that Speaker 2 (0:16) to yourself, you Speaker 1 (0:17) can Speaker 2 (0:17) be anonymous. Speaker 1 (0:18) Those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in The Secret Mum Club! I just fucking read the script without even having to look. Yes. I just motorboated your face. Straight in there I was. Raw dogged it right in Speaker 2 (0:34) there. Speaker 1 (0:34) Raw dogged you. Every week. That was straight up. That Speaker 2 (0:41) was Speaker 1 (0:41) amazing considering we haven't been here for so long as well. Fucking hell. It's Speaker 2 (0:44) a Speaker 1 (0:44) camera. Fucking hell. What a bloody pry. How the fuck are you, Sheila? Oh, I've had a lot on. Paddle on this week. Talk to me. My... We're also back together, sorry. Speaker 2 (0:55) Yeah, we're back together. Girls are Speaker 1 (0:56) back together. It's because we've just done a mini episode. I was going to do the full story Speaker 2 (0:59) of my dramatic journey. Oh, yeah. Do you want to tell everybody? It's really not right. Speaker 1 (1:03) Emma's having a really wild journey in. Also, I've just noticed that my polish on my nail has come off. What? Really irrelevant. But they were brand new. And it looks like I've put my finger in bleach. Speaker 2 (1:15) What is that? They do match your Speaker 1 (1:17) outfit. I think it's just my brownie from this morning. Speaker 2 (1:20) It's chocolate. It's either chocolate Speaker 1 (1:24) or egg. I don't know. What a weird state of life to be in. Speaker 2 (1:27) It might be Speaker 1 (1:27) really Speaker 2 (1:27) embarrassing if you complain to your nail technician. It's like Speaker 1 (1:30) that time when I went to the car garage and said, my clutch is sticking. And he was like, oh my God, let me take it in right now immediately. Let me look. And he went, did you try and move your mats? No, it's your car mat stuck under your clutch. Speaker 1 (1:43) Thank you so much. Well, I'm testing you and you passed. Well done, my guy. Never use car mats ever again. That was obviously, I was 19 at the time. Oh, okay. I thought this was Speaker 2 (1:54) recent. No. No. That's a lesson for you, isn't it? It was, yeah. I do stupid shit like that all the time. But Speaker 1 (2:00) then when my clutch actually did go, because I was a bit of a clutch rider, I just put it down to the car mats until my clutch fell out the arse of my car and I was like Fred Flintstone. Speaker 2 (2:11) There was a hole in the chassis. Speaker 1 (2:14) The gearbox fell out. Oh my God. Everything fell out. The clutch went, gearbox fell out. It was a fucking... Literally, I was like Fred. How were you... Made of flintstones. From Speaker 2 (2:22) the town of Bedrock. It's Speaker 1 (2:28) a place right down in history. What does it say? It's Speaker 2 (2:31) a place right out of history. Yeah, Speaker 1 (2:32) a place right out of history. Speaker 1 (2:36) I always wanted to be Pebbles. Yeah. Speaker 2 (2:39) I looked that up on YouTube recently because me and Stefan were singing the theme tune and Joseph was like, what's that? Can I see it? It is so fucking old. You can barely find it anywhere. And it looks, when we put it on telly, he was like, no. It looks like. I don't want to watch this. It looks so shit. It looks like Speaker 1 (2:52) from the Stone Age. Yeah. Yeah. When you literally watch it now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think Speaker 2 (2:56) it's from like Speaker 1 (2:56) the 50s. Yeah. Or 60s. Speaker 2 (2:58) Mad, isn't Speaker 1 (2:59) it? Speaker 2 (2:59) It's really shit. Really fucking shit. Great theme Speaker 1 (3:02) tune Speaker 2 (3:02) though. Speaker 1 (3:02) Great thing, Chip. One Speaker 2 (3:03) of Speaker 1 (3:03) the best. One of the best. Bring it back, I say. Fred and Speaker 2 (3:07) Wilma. Wilma. And Pebbles and Bam Bam. Yeah, Speaker 1 (3:11) Pebbles and Bam Bam. You see it all the... What was it called? Bat? I don't think it was a bat. Was it a mullet? No. It was Speaker 2 (3:19) like a... You know. Speaker 1 (3:22) Club. Club. A club, I Speaker 2 (3:23) would call that. Speaker 1 (3:24) Yeah. Anyway, I'm here. Sorry. We digress. Anyway, we made it to London today. For the first time in so long. It really felt like a change in Speaker 2 (3:34) seasons when I got up this morning because last time we came in, it was like light summer, hot. And this morning I was like, this is the depths of winter. It was Speaker 1 (3:42) dark. Although it really is teasing us, the Great British weather at the moment, because in the mornings, the other morning I could see my breath, but lunchtime I was fully naked. I Speaker 2 (3:50) know. Speaker 1 (3:50) I Speaker 2 (3:51) was Speaker 1 (3:51) in my pants and bra laying on the bed like, what the fuck is going on? I know, Joseph Speaker 2 (3:54) came home from school absolutely sweating his tits off because I'd put him in like a jumper and trousers. I'm not complaining. And Speaker 1 (4:00) it was Speaker 2 (4:00) 22 Speaker 1 (4:00) degrees. Speaker 2 (4:00) Yeah. Speaker 1 (4:01) But why does 22 degrees feel like 40? Speaker 2 (4:04) It does because we're not like ready for it. Do you know what I mean? In the summer, 22 would have been fine, nothing, no big deal. No big deal. But Speaker 1 (4:10) now, Speaker 2 (4:10) I've been Speaker 1 (4:10) sending him insurance. Speaker 2 (4:10) We're meant to be autumn. Speaker 1 (4:11) Yeah, Speaker 2 (4:12) it's meant Speaker 1 (4:12) to be autumn, Speaker 2 (4:12) but Speaker 1 (4:13) we're putting it back around for Speaker 2 (4:14) an Indian summer, which I am here for. But getting up in the mornings, yeah, it was really cold. It was very misty and dark. Foggy. Felt like Speaker 1 (4:22) I Speaker 2 (4:22) was going out in a horror movie. Saw a hedgehog. Speaker 1 (4:26) It's a little bit creepy. Speaker 2 (4:27) I live in the countryside now, so this is just a hedgehog. Just wildlife walking around. It's when you see me in Speaker 1 (4:32) the bush. Speaker 2 (4:32) You don't see it. Hello. You don't see them anymore. Also, talking of living in the country, I don't think I can live in my house anymore. I think I've got to move because... Three days. We had three massive spiders in three days. Stefan has been there to get them for me. But I said, if you're working away, I don't actually know what I'm going to do. I think we have to move out of the house. Do you know Chris sent me some Speaker 1 (4:50) spiders that were in our shed when I tell you that. Sent them to you? Text me them. He was in the shed and decided to... Sent them in the boat? Not in the mail, no. He texted me a picture from the shed of the spiders. I had to delete them off of my phone this morning because I kept going through them on media and it was stressing me out. I don't need that in my life. Get it off. Why are you sending me pictures? And these spiders. They're in the shed. That's where they can stay. That's where they belong. Well, as long as yours are Speaker 2 (5:13) staying in the shed, mine are getting into the house. And I said to Stefan, I haven't been sleeping very well, honestly, because my recurring nightmare when I was a child was there were spiders running all over like my quilt and my room and Speaker 1 (5:23) stuff. Speaker 2 (5:23) Emma, it's making me ill. I actually, I didn't realize how scared I was of them. I knew I didn't like them, but being confronted with these three spiders over the last three days it's really made me realize how much I hate them and I can't deal with them and I think it's getting worse as I get older and I try and be brave for the kids like one did appear when Stefan was at work and I just put a glass over it and I left it there for the rest of the day because I was like I can't deal with that but even going to get the glass over it and how fucking fast it moves with those long spindly legs I'm like shitting. I'm really sorry Speaker 1 (5:54) if you're arachnophobic. Sorry. Is it arachnophobic? Yeah, this should come with a trigger warning. But Speaker 2 (5:59) I Speaker 1 (5:59) said to Stefan, Speaker 2 (5:59) I don't know if it's the same bastard spider because it looks exactly Speaker 1 (6:02) the same. He's four fucking sleeves up. Bitch threw me out the window. I'll fucking show up. She left Speaker 2 (6:07) me in a glass for eight hours. Speaker 1 (6:08) I'll show her. But Stefan Speaker 2 (6:10) keeps throwing them out the front and I'm like, is he just coming back in? Speaker 1 (6:12) Is he coming Speaker 2 (6:12) back Speaker 1 (6:12) in? Do you want to know what I did once? And even talking about it actually really pains me. I picked up a massive spider once. Stop. I was dying inside. I was petrified. By accident. So I held it and showed Colby and Dottie it. Never again. But you know what? It was the best thing I ever did because Colby just picks them up. How did you do that? I don't know. Just this one day I thought, I need to fucking pull up my pants. Pick it up and just show the babies that it's okay. They're Speaker 2 (6:41) not Speaker 1 (6:41) cruel everywhere. But you know what now? People in the neighborhood knock the door and ask Colby to get the spiders. And he just scoops Speaker 2 (6:47) them up and just takes them out. It's such an irrational fear. He and Dottie have Speaker 1 (6:51) no fear on them now whatsoever. So that's what you need to do. Speaker 2 (6:55) Yeah, I'm trying to show the kids that I've got no fear, but I can't do it. Like, I'm so scared of them. It's petrifying. And now I can't Speaker 1 (7:02) relax. Speaker 2 (7:02) Maybe do it with a Speaker 1 (7:03) dead one and then pretend it's like a... No, thank you. Whoa! Speaker 2 (7:07) Oh, mommy's got it. That would make me scared. That would make me too scared. Okay. Speaker 1 (7:12) And Speaker 2 (7:13) do you know what? Now I can't trust anything in my house because like the one that I found last night was just on the landing carpet and the light had been off and I turned the light on and it was there. So now I'm like, well, I can't fucking walk around in the dark because what if I tread on a spider? It crawls over my foot. Speaker 1 (7:26) Emma, I don't think that's the worst one. It's the worst ones when you're in the bed. Yes, and it crawls across. Speaker 2 (7:31) Yes. I check all the bedding before I get in, obviously. Every night I do it. Speaker 1 (7:35) Every night Speaker 2 (7:35) I do it, right? But obviously I want to have the windows open. I'm actually getting lightheaded. Sorry, I know this is really awful, but it's actually been consuming my life. And I couldn't get to sleep last night. I'm so tired. At 11.30, I rolled over and I said to Stefan, where do you think they're coming from? And he's like, what? And I was like, the spiders. We haven't had the windows open that much because it's like been autumnal. So I've had a couple of windows open, but I'm like, they can't be just coming out the windows. I said, do you think they're just in the walls of the house and they're just like coming out? And he was like, probably. And Speaker 1 (8:04) I went, don't tell me that. So they're just here like living, just waiting to come out and get us. And he was like, probably. Speaker 2 (8:09) They're probably not climbing through the window. I was like, are you telling me we've got spiders in the walls of this house? I can't. He was like, they're Speaker 1 (8:14) probably already in here. I'm really stressed. If you've made it this far in this episode, let us know. Because this is wild. And Speaker 2 (8:22) then he said, do you know what you can do to help yourself relax and go to sleep? I said, what can I do? He was like, tickle my back. Right. Speaker 1 (8:28) Okay. Dickhead. That doesn't Speaker 2 (8:29) sound like it's going to help, Speaker 1 (8:30) but Speaker 2 (8:30) I'll give it a go. Also, Speaker 1 (8:32) do you know you can put conkers out? Well, because I said, what is the solution? Conkers. Speaker 2 (8:36) Like for flies in the summer, we had fly stickers. For ants, you have ant powder. Conkers. Conkers. Speaker 1 (8:41) In the corner of your windows. But don't do me. I put chestnuts. Speaker 2 (8:45) Same thing. Speaker 1 (8:46) It wasn't until the delivery man came and was like, you've got the things down here. And I was like, yeah, to keep the spiders away. And he went, it's conkers. Those are chestnuts. Right. Speaker 2 (8:55) Just now it's roasting at my front door. So the spiders are still coming in? Yeah. Right. But it's Speaker 1 (9:01) conkers. It has to be conkers. And the conkers keep them away. And you Speaker 2 (9:04) can Speaker 1 (9:04) put them in every single window. Okay. And it keeps them away. If you want to just hang them from the lampshades. Okay, I'm going to, yeah, do that. What the hell is this? Oh, Speaker 2 (9:12) no. But it's honestly, it's changing how I live my life. Like before I put my jacket on this morning, I had to turn the sleeves inside out and check that there wasn't a spider lurking in there. I would say that's a real fear. Speaker 1 (9:22) I said to Stefan, I Speaker 2 (9:22) feel like a prisoner Speaker 1 (9:22) in my own home. I Speaker 2 (9:23) can't relax. Anyway, aside from that, this week I'm meant to be in London working on the radio. They invited me back kindly to cover some shifts on the radio. And you fucked them up. No, I've had to cancel it because I was so looking forward to going. I only get to go like, I cover the girl who got my job when she goes on holiday now. Speaker 1 (9:41) You cover, I cover her. So it's Speaker 2 (9:42) obviously not very often. It's only like a couple of times a year. So I don't get to go that often. I don't think I've been since like May. And I was meant to be there this week. And I was like, I'm going to have a week in London. I'd sorted my flat out. I'd made some social plans. I was like, it'd be nice to like get away, you know, earn some money, do my job again, which I love. And I was like so disappointed. I had to phone them this week and be like, I'm so sorry. I've got to cancel it. Stefan's mum was meant to be looking after our children and she has broken her arm. And she can't look after them anymore. I was like, what is our life? A selfish one. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I can't even say it without laughing. Honestly, I jest. She's fine. I wouldn't say it if she wasn't fine. But obviously, terrible timing. She fell over while she was out. Is she Speaker 1 (10:30) genuinely? She Speaker 2 (10:32) was Speaker 1 (10:32) dancing. She wasn't even drunk. Speaker 2 (10:33) It's so ironic. She Speaker 1 (10:34) was Speaker 2 (10:34) like, I don't even drink. All my friends were pissed. And she was like, and I stacked it and broke my arm. Speaker 1 (10:38) Oh. Speaker 2 (10:38) She's in quite a lot of pain. Do you Speaker 1 (10:40) think she'd done it on purpose? Yeah. She thought, fuck Speaker 2 (10:42) that. Because it was a big ass. It was like five days of looking after the kids. Yeah. Hold on, Speaker 1 (10:46) where's Stephen Nick at? They're on holiday. Oh, fucking hell. Again. They're never Speaker 2 (10:50) home. Again, Speaker 1 (10:51) selfish. Listen, Steve, Nick, we need words because even Speaker 2 (10:54) you're not around no more. You're not meant to be out living. I said I'm even willing to take Joseph out of Speaker 1 (11:00) school. I hope school aren't listening. Take him out of school for the week and take him down to my parents. Speaker 2 (11:04) Actually, school's not compulsory until you're five, so we're good until February. I was going to take him down to Essex. Please Speaker 1 (11:09) don't take Emma's advice as gospel because you may get yourself a fine. Check that with your local authority, but I'm pretty sure Speaker 2 (11:15) that's correct. Yeah, I was going to take him down to my parents. parents have them look after