Lisa Snowdon: Why I ended my 12-year relationship at 54

Second Act with Ateh Jewel

TV presenter and former supermodel Lisa Snowdon joins host Ateh Jewel to reflect on navigating midlife with confidence, independence, and zer

Key takeaways

• Lisa Snowdon ended a 12-year relationship at age 54, framing it as necessary self-preservation rather than a setback.
• She shares her experience of losing a baby in her early 40s and how perimenopause helped her make peace with not having children.

Main topics

• Midlife empowerment and self-discovery
• Ending long-term relationships at 54

Notable quotes

"If it's not right anymore, it's not right anymore and you just can't stay in a relationship that isn't right."

Conclusion

The episode offers a candid, empowering roadmap for women navigating midlife transitions,

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) I lost a baby in my early 40s and I thought that that was going to be like my kind of miracle child but that didn't happen. If Speaker 2 (0:05) it's not right anymore, it's not right anymore and you just can't stay in a relationship that isn't right. I've just come back from solo travel. Speaker 1 (0:12) Gorgeous like mosquito, you know, four-poster bed and I was like, was billowing in the fan and I was like, oh Speaker 2 (0:17) I'm having a romantic moment to myself and it was really special and I thought, I don't need anyone, I've always been super independent. Speaker 2 (0:29) Hello and Speaker 1 (0:30) welcome to Second Act. Joining me today is presenter and model Lisa Snowden. I am overexcited because my lovely friend Lisa Snowden is... Yeah! Speaker 2 (0:41) Finally making it happen. I'm so excited you're here, Speaker 1 (0:44) Lisa. We're going to have the best chitty chat. Welcome to Second Act. Let me dive straight in and ask you, if you were to summarise your first act in three words, what would they be? Speaker 2 (0:54) Oh, gosh. Speaker 2 (0:56) Adventurous? hectic It's stressful. I know, I know. It sounds Speaker 1 (1:04) really dramatic, doesn't it? And it was actually. Why was it adventurous? Speaker 2 (1:08) Adventurous because I got to travel a lot. Speaker 1 (1:14) with my job I was really lucky I got to Speaker 2 (1:17) stay in some amazing places like live in Japan go to different places um that I never thought I'd ever go to um I might get my time lines timelines right because it's not because I was a model at 19 exactly Speaker 1 (1:30) listen you were to me you'll always be the special k girl costume we will get into that yeah but you were scouted at 19 so it must have Speaker 2 (1:40) been A Speaker 1 (1:40) roller Speaker 2 (1:41) coaster? That was a roller coaster. And I was all of a sudden living in Japan. And it was like, you know, when I was younger, we used to go on family holidays. We used to drive to Spain. So going to somewhere like Japan on my own on a plane was like wild. And then like living in Paris and Milan and all these sort of places. So that was where the adventure came in. And I just had to be fiercely independent and dig deep and just be brave. Speaker 1 (2:02) Were you that person or were you a shy girl? I was quite Speaker 2 (2:05) shy. I felt like I had major imposter syndrome. I have my whole life. It was like, how am I here? Am I winging it? Did you have Speaker 1 (2:12) to Speaker 2 (2:12) front it out? Totally. And that was, I've had to do that my whole life, to be honest. People always think I'm super confident and that I'm just, and I'm like, no, I get scared before I do anything. Except for seeing you today. I was excited. It's a coffee morning with friends. So the adventure was that. The hectic was also that, I guess. And then I had some terrible relationships. So that's where the stress came in. Talk to me about that. Speaker 1 (2:39) Did you like a bad boy? Did you like a safe boy? What was your dating learnings? Speaker 2 (2:44) I'm still learning. Speaker 1 (2:45) I've heard. I just found out. Speaker 2 (2:47) I'm still learning. I am Speaker 1 (2:49) so... We'll get into that if you want to. Speaker 2 (2:52) It's just I'm still a work in progress. I'm still learning. But Speaker 1 (2:55) who Speaker 2 (2:55) were you Speaker 1 (2:55) attracted to? Are you attracted to... Yeah, it was the bad boys. Speaker 2 (2:57) It was the real, now I know, narcissistic guys. It was that arrogance. It was that bad boy. Swag. Speaker 1 (3:05) Confidence. Yeah. I'm a Speaker 2 (3:07) girl's girl and I always have been. And you, Speaker 1 (3:09) girls, girls like that always attract a narcissist. Oh, Speaker 2 (3:12) God. Because you're Speaker 1 (3:12) very open and you're kind and you're loving and you just think everyone's the same as you, which is straight up. Yeah. You think that's what happens to Speaker 2 (3:19) you. Totally. And I was such a people pleaser and I'm only learning that now. I had a few little therapy sessions recently and that's when she flagged it and I was like, jeez. So I think I've been repeating that pattern a lot in my life and not really understanding that. So, yeah. Did Speaker 1 (3:37) your parents get divorced when you were younger? Yeah, so Speaker 2 (3:39) my parents split up when I was 17, but it wasn't a happy home. You know, they weren't happy for a long time. And I think that's where the people pleasing came in. I just wanted everything to be OK and everything to be calm and happy. You Speaker 1 (3:52) learn how to read the weather, you get hypervigilant, and then you learn how to make people happy rather than... your own needs. Speaker 2 (3:58) Yeah. And Speaker 1 (3:59) that's my therapy session coming. Thank you. And I Speaker 2 (4:01) think that's, and then you take that into relationships. Totally. And I've been repeating that. 100%. I've been repeating that the whole time. I'm 55 in January. I need to like. changed the way that I've been and it's like it's just but it's learning I'm learning these things about myself every Speaker 1 (4:18) day is a chance for a fresh start like if you're comfortable your heart has been has been going through some stuff at the moment you've had a breakup how do you feel about that and I think so many people at home would be so appreciative if you feel comfortable going there what is it like to have a breakup at 55 what are you saying to yourself what are you learning how are you picking yourself up again yeah Speaker 2 (4:40) so I've I'm 55 in January, so I'm not quite there yet. Not there. 54 and fabulous. Stepping into my 55th year and actually feeling really good. I don't feel that I, you know, like when I was in my 40s, it was that sort of like, I'm 40 and I'm single and I need to try and, it might be my last chance to have a baby. I really need to find somebody, talk about IVF, talk about like the different fertility challenges that. Obviously come in your 40s, early 40s, some people not. So I think I had that sort of panic a little bit. Angst. And, you know, just, and I think I've had that, you know, Jesus, just so conditioned into that clock is ticking, hurry, hurry up. So I think now all of that, I like, I don't have to worry about any of that now. There's no chance I'm having a baby. So it's all about me now. Have Speaker 1 (5:30) you made Speaker 2 (5:30) peace with that? Yeah, I've made Speaker 1 (5:31) peace with it. And how do you feel about that? Speaker 2 (5:33) Yeah, no, I think that. It's really strange and I think a lot of women who have had children don't quite understand how I've made peace with it. But I think the universe has had my back. I don't think I would have been... I mean, I would have... I don't know if I would have been able to be the mother that I wanted to be. I'm a great auntie. You were Speaker 1 (5:52) a great auntie. I think you were the kind of person, anything you do, you'd smash. If you wanted to have a baby, you'd be an amazing mother. But what makes you think you... that wasn't for you or you didn't want to do it or like the Speaker 2 (6:03) timing for one because i did have a termination in my mid-20s but that was for the reasons that i didn't want to be connected with the guy that was the father was he abusive and he was just not a good guy and I didn't want to have to forever be like that's your dad do you need to see your dad and I just Speaker 1 (6:26) looked Speaker 2 (6:26) for the rest Speaker 1 (6:27) yes Speaker 2 (6:27) not Speaker 1 (6:28) not just for your lifetime for all generations because your grandchildren your great-grand so that was so that was a big decision it was a good decision it was Speaker 2 (6:35) a Speaker 1 (6:35) good decision yeah a hard decision well Speaker 2 (6:37) it wasn't actually because I got back home from the uh because back in the day this was like nearly 30 years ago Speaker 1 (6:45) Attitudes were very different. But you had to go to the doctors to get a pregnancy test. You couldn't just go into the Speaker 2 (6:50) pharmacy and pick up a pregnancy test. You've got to go to the doctors. He didn't even come to the appointment with me firstly. When I came back from the doctor's appointment, it was about one in the afternoon and he was still in bed asleep. And I just thought, Speaker 1 (6:59) mm-mm. You knew. Mm-mm. This is not right. Speaker 2 (7:02) So, yeah. So then that was... Then I lost a baby in my early 40s and I thought that that was going to be like my kind of miracle child, but that didn't happen. I'm so sorry. But... Speaker 1 (7:11) Thank Speaker 2 (7:11) you. And there was a bit of... There was a little bit of mourning, sadness, grieving period. And then the perimenopause came and I just thought, jeez, how am I going to have, like, I would have been having such a juggling act of trying to look after myself as well as a baby. And you were young, Speaker 1 (7:30) you were 44 when that happened to you? Yeah, Speaker 2 (7:31) 42, Speaker 1 (7:32) 44. The stars just did not align? No. And did you ever want to adopt or anything like that? Well, Speaker 2 (7:39) it was so funny because people were always like, you know you can adopt. And I was like, don't you think I would have actually explored different avenues? So no, I didn't want to adopt. I definitely wanted my own child. And it just wasn't meant to be. But I've always said this. I've never felt childless because I do have Finley, Willow and Rudy. And they're my sister's kids. I've got two sisters. And I'm very much in their lives and have been from the beginning. Speaker 2 (8:06) filled my cup when it came to the love and I couldn't love them anymore if they were my own I'm not being funny your sister's babies are your babies they're my babies do Speaker 1 (8:14) you Speaker 2 (8:14) know what I Speaker 1 (8:14) mean like I know that's funny but like when your sisters have babies that's your baby Speaker 2 (8:18) totally and I love them so much and they're so much fun and now they're getting a bit older as well so we can go I went on holiday with Willow took her to Paris for her 13th birthday Speaker 1 (8:26) we Speaker 2 (8:27) get to do really fun auntie stuff but they wear me out so I'm like okay bye see you later you go back to yeah Speaker 1 (8:33) It's the best bits of motherhood, isn't it? It's like Speaker 2 (8:35) all Speaker 1 (8:35) the love and the squishiness and then you're like, I'm tired, you can go now. Speaker 2 (8:38) Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, it's taken a while to get to the place where I'm comfortable and, you know, it doesn't hurt my heart anymore because it's... Has Speaker 1 (8:46) your breakup triggered all of this? No. Speaker 2 (8:48) Because Speaker 1 (8:48) sometimes it can trigger the mourning of the motherhood, the mourning of the... No, Speaker 2 (8:52) and somebody mentioned it to me. They were like, oh, you know, you didn't go down that route with George. Are you thinking about now regretting? I was like, no. I just think like... Just move on, move forward. Speaker 1 (9:05) Is that your philosophy? Because that is so healthy. I'm Speaker 2 (9:08) a Speaker 1 (9:08) bit of a moaner. I'm a bit of a like, oh, regret it. I'm trying really hard to just like a shark, keep it moving. But I can wallow and I can get irritated and angry and resentful and hurt. I'm realising that anger is hurt rather than anger is anger. Yeah. But are you a move forward kind of Speaker 2 (9:23) a Speaker 1 (9:23) person? Yeah, Speaker 2 (9:24) I'm Speaker 1 (9:24) moving forward. Speaker 2 (9:25) It's just life's too short. It's going too fast. I want to live in the moment, in the now and just keep focused. Speaker 1 (9:31) And was that a hard decision to end the relationship at 54? Do you think? Age didn't Speaker 2 (9:37) come into it at all. I think it was more people change. Speaker 1 (9:42) You changed or he Speaker 2 (9:44) changed? We both changed. You've grown apart. That's Speaker 1 (9:47) what happened to me. Speaker 2 (9:48) Yeah, you Speaker 1 (9:49) just grow apart. Speaker 2 (9:50) And, you know, it was like over 10 years together and there were some great times and I refuse to look back at it all being like really negative. It's just like people change. And now... what's going to be my future, you know? It's just quite exciting. It Speaker 1 (10:07) is so exciting. And when you think of... about editing it's about making space for beautiful things to come in Speaker 2 (10:15) and Speaker 1 (10:15) I think it's really brave and thank you for saying it and speaking about it because like you say I think a lot of people don't leave relationships because like I've put the time in or I'm a certain age or they're fearful but like I remember when I was deciding to leave my marriage it's like but this is 26 years I don't know anything else but honestly like the worst thing than being in a relationship that isn't good for you is like 26 years plus a day, 10 years plus a day. That is a waste of time. That's very hard to reconcile with long-term relationship. I Speaker 2 (10:46) think you need to like just communication is key. You know, you've got to communicate with each other and you just got to be honest with yourself as well. Does this feel right anymore? You know, I think you're right. A lot of people don't, they want to stay in because it's more comfortable. You don't want to rock the boat. You don't know what else is out there. You don't know what life looks like. It's a whole reshift. It's a whole complete change. But... Speaker 2 (11:12) You know, if it's not right anymore, it's not right anymore. And you just can't stay in a relationship that isn't right. And you're a pirate like me. Speaker 1 (11:19) I'd rather burn it down. Are you the same? Yeah. Speaker 2 (11:22) Do you know what? I'm not even thinking that I definitely want to go out dating and stuff, though. Oh, let's hit Speaker 1 (11:27) the streets, Lisa. Speaker 2 (11:28) Do you reckon? Speaker 1 (11:29) I've come off, you know, literally yesterday, I go on and off these apps all the time. And I was on, I'm off, I'm on and off. I've been off for a while. And I think you just need to go have a cocktail. Speaker 2 (11:38) My Speaker 1 (11:38) friend said