BEST OF KARL "THE BRAIN" PILKINGTON ON XFM - PART 13

RSK XFM Remastered

This episode is a compilation of classic XFM radio segments featuring the comedic trio of Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

Key takeaways

• Karl Pilkington expresses disappointment over receiving only two CDs for Christmas from XFM.
• The group discusses the ethical dilemma of serving alcohol to a five-year and physically aged child.

Main topics

• XFM Christmas gifts
• Aging disease in children

Notable quotes

I love your brain.

Conclusion

The episode provides a nostalgic look at the surreal and nonsensical b

Transcript preview

Speaker 3 (0:01) Roll Over DJ by Jet on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais with me, Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. All right, Carl? A bit miserable today, Carl. Let me explain why, Steve, and to you, the listeners. Well, we came in to a big, big bunch of stuff. Dropped off by, was it Becky from Marks & Spencer? Just, like, lovely stuff. Food, presents for the cat. just, you know, to Ricky and Steve. Ricky and Steve. Ricky and Steve who do the show, right? Ricky, Jervais and Steve Merchant. Speaker 4 (0:34) GQ presenters of the year. Speaker 3 (0:36) Creators of The Office, right? Award winning. Carl's looking over, I go, oh, well, maybe, oh, it's not just, not for you, no. And then... Then he told me why he's grumpy anyway. Go on. Do you know what XFM are giving everyone? How long have you been here? About six years. What are you getting for Christmas from XFM? Speaker 2 (0:55) Two CDs. Is that of your choice or did they choose them? There's a list of about 30. Right. Tell them what you chose. 30 CDs. I've gone for Kings of Leon album. Yeah. And the best of Bob Marley. Speaker 4 (1:12) Haven't we, like, given them away in the past or something? Or you could have burnt them off, couldn't you? You could have done copies. Illegal, but you could have done that. Speaker 2 (1:18) Any Speaker 3 (1:19) time you wanted. I don't think Bob Marley minds if you bootleg his CDs. Speaker 4 (1:24) It's out of order, though, isn't it? It is bad. Is that always the case? Has it always been the truth all the time you've been here? Speaker 2 (1:29) No, it has been better than this. Speaker 3 (1:32) Yeah, although you do get paid quite well and you do have an easier time. Speaker 2 (1:35) Yeah, but don't give him the CDs, then. If it was a milkman, you don't go, oh, I have two bottles of semi-skimmed. Happy Christmas. Yeah. Speaker 2 (1:43) That Speaker 4 (1:43) is Speaker 2 (1:43) a valid Speaker 4 (1:43) point. Speaker 2 (1:45) Do you know what I mean? Who Speaker 4 (1:46) made this decision? Speaker 2 (1:47) There's no point, no point, is there? Why? There's no point. I don't like moaning anyway, just... Speaker 2 (1:55) Has it come from up top? Is it, like, from the capital people? Just everyone. That's what everyone gets. Yeah. Yeah, but Speaker 3 (2:01) will Christian get two CDs for getting up at 4.30 every day for about five years? And keeping the station afloat. Speaker 2 (2:08) Probably, Speaker 3 (2:09) yeah. Speaker 2 (2:10) So that's why I'm a bit fed up. Speaker 3 (2:12) What are you listening to first, Marley or Leon? Speaker 2 (2:15) Probably have a bit of Marley. I'll tell you what Marley's good Speaker 3 (2:20) for as well. You're going to have a little beach holiday, aren't you, over Christmas, going to Lanzarote? Mm. listening to that on the beach, you'll realise how wise XFM are in the long run. You know, you go, well, look, they could have given me 400 quid, right? I'd have spent that. But this is, you know, the legend lives on. It keeps on giving. So you'll probably, you know what I mean? Think how much those, what you've got to think of is how much those, all his great songs took, not only from the depth of his soul and, you know... all his sort of angst and knowledge and love and then all the studio time, the marketing. And they're just giving you one. They go, don't worry about that, Carl, just have it. And you go, what? All the time we're spending with Bob Marley and everything. Have it, Carl. Have it, Carl. Have it, Carl. Practice. Yeah, have that. Have that. Thanks. Thanks. Well done. Carry on. We're still going to pay you for the work. Yeah. That's just some on top. Here's Speaker 4 (3:11) a Speaker 3 (3:11) little piece of ball. Free. Yeah, so don't moan. It's extra. So, I didn't have to give you it at all. Play a record, you ungrateful Speaker 4 (3:17) little swine. Some people, like the homeless, aren't getting anything this Christmas. This is my favourite Speaker 3 (3:21) Elvis Costello track of all time. It's Alison. This Speaker 2 (3:25) wasn't on the list. Speaker 2 (3:29) Was it last Speaker 3 (3:30) week? There was a programme on about the child who was older than her mum. A child that was older than her mum? Yeah, right, which he was looking forward to as much as Oliver the... The humanzee. The humanzee, yeah. And I didn't see it in the end. Did you miss it as well? Yeah, Speaker 2 (3:45) I Speaker 3 (3:45) missed it. And what it is, is this little girl, and she's got an ageing thing, so he was telling me about this, so he saw from here, and he went, well, it is right, she's about five, right, but she's aged, so she's actually 90. Right. And I went, oh, God, really? He went, yeah. And then he went, could she get served in an off-license? I went, no. He went, well, that's not fair. I went, what do you mean? He went, well... I said, she's five years old. She's a five-year-old girl. He went, yeah, but she's got the body of a 90-year-old. So, oh God, let her have a fag. Speaker 2 (4:21) Wouldn't you let her have one, is she? Speaker 4 (4:23) If she asked? Yeah. Speaker 2 (4:26) If you worked her an off-license and she wandered in, right? And, uh... So she's two foot six. Well, I don't know because I haven't seen it. I don't know that much about it. Speaker 3 (4:35) Yeah, she's five years old. It's just an ageing process, which is a degeneration of the cells, like what ageing is. It doesn't mean she grew into a 90-year-old woman with a scarf going around the streets. What did you imagine it looked like? Speaker 2 (4:49) I don't know. I mean, she's ageing fast, yeah? Yes, but it's more to do... It's not... Yes, yeah. Because it was saying that her mum and dad are pretty stressed out about it, and I kind of thought, well, you'd be forever buying birthday presents. Speaker 4 (5:03) It's not like she's morphing through various ages. My God, look, she's 58 today. 59, we can't keep up. Speaker 2 (5:10) It's not that. Speaker 3 (5:12) It has the same effect as ageing on the body. So at a cellular level, there's a degeneration as quick as if she'd gone through, I don't know. I got this from you. I'm guessing, Carl. Speaker 4 (5:29) It's not like she's watching Top of Speaker 3 (5:30) the Speaker 4 (5:30) Pops one week and she's loving it, then the next week she's going, I can't understand what they're saying, this is not like music of my day. It's Speaker 3 (5:35) all bland Speaker 4 (5:35) dance, Speaker 3 (5:35) I remember. I remember when I was four and a half. They were Speaker 4 (5:38) real bands. S Club 7 were excellent. But what's this tripe? S Club. But she wants a fag. Speaker 2 (5:46) She's five years old, Carl. But she's got to experience everything in a short spell of time. Do you know what I mean? You've got time to sort of... I think you're thinking of her Speaker 4 (5:55) life like that Fatboy Slim video, where it starts off as something crawling out of the sea and then it evolves really quickly over three minutes. That's not the Speaker 2 (6:02) case, Carl. Her mind isn't... She isn't ageing in her mind at the same time. No, she's... She's not Speaker 4 (6:07) living a whole life in, like, you know, three weeks. It's just her body is degenerating quicker than it should. So if you worked in Oddbins, you wouldn't serve her with a bottle of wine? No, I probably wouldn't. Unless she had some ID, Speaker 3 (6:20) which would probably be Speaker 4 (6:20) fake. That's a bit Speaker 3 (6:20) cruel, isn't it? And on top of all her other problems, he wouldn't even give her a glass of... Speaker 2 (6:25) Yeah, a bottle of wine. And her ID wouldn't look right, because she's aging all the time. Speaker 2 (6:31) The photo would never match. Speaker 4 (6:32) Yeah. Look at my hair there. That was last week. Well, it was 2002. Speaker 3 (6:38) Exactly. We don't know enough about it, so... No, I haven't seen it, so, yeah, maybe we should apologise, because that could sound callous and cruel, because I don't know what the whole... It was just the title. Yeah, I know the title that excited you. It Speaker 2 (6:51) was something Speaker 3 (6:51) like, Speaker 2 (6:51) I'm older than my mum. Speaker 3 (6:52) No, it's the child that's older than her mother. Speaker 2 (6:56) Wow. Yeah. So that was weird. There was some good stuff on in the week. You missed that, did you? You didn't watch that? Didn't see that. Maybe someone will have it on video for you? Yeah, if you taped it and, you know, send it in. Watch it all fast forward. She'd really aged then. Imagine that. Speaker 3 (7:13) Whoa! So we get into conversations. He's asking me stuff about evolution. Tell me that. Why the giraffe? What's that rubbish about the giraffe getting along now? I said, well, it didn't try and get along there. It was selected because, you know, anyway, I went into evolution for him. And he said, but... Why would evolution do that? I went, well, you think that evolution didn't do anything. There's not this consciousness, there's not this will that a giraffe has to stretch its neck to reach the leaves. One had a long enough neck to survive and pass it. He was going, yeah, but why did evolution... By the way, this isn't the most stupid thing. This is warming up. This is about quarter to nine. He said, why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder? Speaker 4 (7:56) Right. Yeah. Okay. No, all Speaker 3 (7:59) right. Okay, so he's thinking around it. He's trying to pick holes in evolution. Yeah. I said, well, we can see the speed of evolution in lower life forms like bacteria, viruses. They evolved. That's why soon we won't have an antibiotic that can kill some certain bacterial strains. And he said, and this is about half 11, and I said, I'm going to bed, right? He said... In the future, they reckon that if we're able to wake up and eat a yoghurt, you can have a chat with. Speaker 3 (8:35) I don't know what that means. Let's put our song on, right? So you're going to Speaker 4 (8:39) explain that? Yeah. You've got an explanation. Speaker 3 (8:42) The Verve and Sonic on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais with me, Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. So Speaker 4 (8:49) let's just get this right. What did Carl say? He's just specifically given those words again. He said, Speaker 3 (8:52) they reckon, and I said, I'm going to bed. He went, no, really. I said, no, I'm going to bed, Carl. There's no point now. I mean, it's just like you're talking gobbledygook. You know what I mean? I might as well talk for a pot plant. He said, in the future, They reckon, I don't know who they are. Sure. I don't know people who post things on the internet that he reads. No, Speaker 2 (9:11) it was in the Speaker 4 (9:11) Telegraph. Anyway, can I complete the sentence? They reckon that in Speaker 3 (9:14) the future you'll be able to wake up... I love how there's always a little scenario, an embellishment. Like this little... Speaker 3 (9:21) Oh, hello, darling. Here's your yoghurt. Hello. You'll be able to wake up and eat a yoghurt you can have a chat with. All right, Speaker 4 (9:29) well, thanks for that, Rick. I'm looking at you. I'm going to throw that over to Karl now. Speaker 2 (9:32) It's when I was away on holiday, right? I don't normally buy the Telegraph, because it's too big and that, innit? But they were giving it away for free on the plane, so I thought... Ding-dong. Might as well have it. And I saw a couple of things in it, and I thought, that'll be interesting. I saw this thing about the future, and it was talking about evolution and what have you. Which I always find weird, because I always think that maybe we've sort of done it wrong anyway. Do you know what I mean? I sometimes think... Speaker 3 (9:58) By definition, evolution can't get things wrong. Things change that it's not successful, it can't pass on its genetic material. But if you're around, it's working. If you're around, it's working. Slugs are as evolved as they need to be. Slugs are as evolved as you. Well, that's true enough. Yeah, yeah! No disrespect, but it works. It works. Sorry, but clearly, Speaker 4 (10:22) what's your point, Karl? Speaker 2 (10:23) No, I mean, I think we probably would have been better off staying as a fish. Speaker 2 (10:29) Just because it's- because there's more water than land, isn't there? Speaker 4 (10:32) Right. And you wouldn't drown. This is why I went to bed. No, I can imagine. I'm thinking of dozing off now. Speaker 2 (10:38) Yeah, I know. No, but it went- do you know what I mean? From- What was it? It Speaker 1 (10:42) was Speaker 2 (10:42) bacteria, it was fish, mermaid, man, onwards and what have you. So anyway- Oh Speaker 3 (10:50) god! Oh god! There are a few knowledge gaps in your theory of evolution. You've already got it right, though. Basically, yeah, it went bacteria, fish, mermaid, man. What's next is the big question. So Speaker 2 (11:05) it was telling you all about this and what I've been saying now, like we shouldn't have interfered because maybe if we wouldn't have invented planes and what have you, maybe we'd be able to fly and what have you if we really needed to and stuff like that. So we've interfered with evolution, you see. Speaker 4 (11:21) Right. Speaker 2 (11:22) Well, then he was saying, well, what's the future going to be? Well, Speaker 3 (11:24) yes, in one way we have interfered with evolution, yeah. The evolution of the human being in society is changing. It's no longer based on the strongest or the fittest because medical science can keep us alive long enough. People can pass on their genetic material where without this civilization they wouldn't have been able to. So, yeah, there are different parameters, there are different pressures, there are different things that say whether we're going to pass on our genetic material or not. Okay. So in that sense, you're right. And that, Speaker 4 (11:53) Rick, as far as I'm aware, has led to a yoghurt that you can eat and have a conversation with. This is Speaker 2 (11:57) what it was saying. It was just saying, you know, we're living in mad times and that. There's a lot of weird stuff going on. One of which is? And the fellow was just saying, you know, with computers and stuff like that, the way it is, we'll be able to wake up. Go on. Have a chat with your yoghurt and Speaker 1 (12:13) have something Speaker 2 (12:13) to eat. What do you mean, have a chat with your yoghurt? Because of the amount of, I mean, you have them yoghurts already, those friendly yoghurts. There was bacteria-friendly ones, so this is just a really friendly one. Yeah, don't even... Do Speaker 3 (12:29) you know what? Sometimes, Carl, I think that we're having a chat with a yoghurt. Do you Speaker 4 (12:33) know what I Speaker 3 (12:34) mean? Speaker 4 (12:34) There can't be any difference. Yeah, but then I'm always reminded that would be more entertaining. Speaker 3 (12:39) It Speaker 4 (12:39) would be more informative. God! Speaker 4 (12:44) Because the night from Patti Smith, co-written, of course, with Bruce Springsteen. Speaker 3 (12:47) Oh, it was a co-write, was it? Yes, indeed. Oh, wow, there you go. Learning something. Learning something on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess. No Carl. Well, Carl's annoyed me. He's not playing. He's not ill. Another digit from the number? Yeah, just do one more digit, Claire. Speaker 2 (13:03) Are you serious? Yeah. Speaker 3 (13:04) Five. Five, so one five. Okay, great. We'll just keep doing that. But I'll tell you what. the best revenge is living well indeed why don't we just do a brilliant remaining 50 minutes of of show okay and show the people that we don't need carl high five okay you don't need carl right let's Speaker 4 (13:22) go Speaker 3 (13:22) starting now some brilliant some brilliant stuff Bad company. Can't get enough of your love. I'm in a rock mood because Carl's made my blood boil, really. I might even play a song, you're probably too young, called Spirit of the Radio by Rush. It's sort of like, for rockers, I put it in there, it's like the ultimate sort of pomp, rock, progressive pop song ever. It's classic. You might hate it, or you'll love it, or you'll listen to it ironically. I Speaker 4 (13:54) love it. Do you know what I feel like doing? What? Writing a little sort of hymn or a ballad. About to Carl? To Carl. Yeah. We've tried threatening him. Speaker 3 (14:02) That's not worked. Give up one more digit. We've got half an hour to go. Because there are three digits, so it's O, what is it? O? Speaker 2 (14:08) 0-7-9-6-8. Speaker 3 (14:10) Yeah. Speaker 2 (14:11) 1-5. Speaker 3 (14:12) Next digit, please. Speaker 2 (14:15) Seven. Speaker 3 (14:15) Okay, 157. Speaker 4 (14:16) I hope you're making a note of that. You'll be able to phone Carl, leave messages, tell him what you think of him. Unless he phones. He can stop this at any time by just simply calling here Speaker 3 (14:23) in the studio. Speaker 4 (14:23) He Speaker 3 (14:24) can Speaker 4 (14:24) just call and say, okay, don't... He can just call Speaker 3 (14:27) and say, please don't give my number out. And I go, as I always do when I'm winding him up and I'm slapping his head and I'm sort of like spitting on him and stuff. Eventually he goes, shout, stop it. And I go, well, you only have to ask. Exactly. So if he calls, I go, you only have to ask. Speaker 4 (14:43) Oh, my phone's going. Play it out, break, I'll answer it. Oh, it might be Carl. Speaker 3 (14:49) Wow, here's a bit of a turn-up for the books. Carl Pilkington on the line. Speaker 1 (14:53) Yeah, Speaker 3 (14:54) where you been? Speaker 1 (14:55) Right. Speaker 3 (14:58) OK, what's the matter with you? Speaker 1 (15:03) Yeah, Speaker 3 (15:07) that's because you didn't eat last time when Suzanne was at work. Speaker 1 (15:20) When did you put them on? Your head? No, they were just on the maiden and the legs felt dry. Just on the what? On the what? On the maiden? Speaker 3 (15:27) What was she doing there? What do you mean? Speaker 1 (15:30) On the maiden that you put clothes on. What? Your clothes horse. Your clothes horse. Well, yeah. Speaker 3 (15:37) Right, okay. So you put wet jeans on, yeah? Speaker 1 (15:40) That's why I'm ill on that. I'm having a good time. I've been watching the football. Speaker 3 (15:45) So you're just sitting at home watching telly, where you could have been sitting here? Speaker 1 (15:49) Well, I would have been better off there, because I've got a chair there. I've got no chair at home at the moment, because I sold it last week. Why did you sell a chair? What, you only had one chair? What? Look, can't we just... I just was calling up to let you know I was all right and that. We're not interested in that. We want to know about the chair. I sold it. I had a little two-seater, and I sold it because I'm getting a new one, but I've got to wait another month. So you've got to sit on the floor for a month. So you Speaker 3 (16:14) sold a chair before you had another one? Speaker 1 (16:16) Well, she might not have wanted to buy it in a month or something. So I got rid of it whilst I could. She was all right, buddy. We'll talk about that next week. Are you going to Speaker 4 (16:25) be in next week? I look forward to that, then. That's a dynamite piece of radio to tune in for. The day Karl sold a chair. Speaker 3 (16:30) Brilliant. Speaker 1 (16:31) All right. So you all right, then? It's going all right? Well, Speaker 4 (16:34) why did you take this long to call? We asked you to call since the very beginning. We've been phoning you. Why is your phone on switch off? I Speaker 1 (16:39) heard the beginning. I heard at the beginning of the show, I thought, yeah, it's going all right, they're there and stuff. Turned it off. You turned it off?! No, no, apart from taping, though, because even though I'm ill, I'm still showing an interest in it. Speaker 3 (16:52) Well, you're not, if you're watching football and shaking. Speaker 1 (16:54) Yeah, well, I'll listen back to it later, so I hope you haven't been dissing me. No, definitely Speaker 3 (16:59) not. Don't Speaker 4 (17:00) listen back Speaker 1 (17:00) to it, it's not Speaker 4 (17:00) worth it, but we haven't been dissing you, no. Speaker 1 (17:02) No, I've just been watching a bit of football. Did you Speaker 4 (17:05) watch the monkey programme last night? You told us to watch the monkey programme, we all stayed and watched the monkey programme. Speaker 1 (17:09) All right, wasn't it? Speaker 4 (17:11) Rubbish, wasn't it? Obviously Speaker 3 (17:12) not half chimp, half human. Speaker 1 (17:15) Well, I mean, they missed out a lot of the interesting bits. Speaker 3 (17:19) They didn't have any interesting bits. Those are bits that you made up to make it more interesting. The Speaker 1 (17:22) bits that I told you about about three months ago before they decided to make the programme. Speaker 4 (17:27) Yeah. What were the bits that you came up with? Speaker 1 (17:29) Well, they missed out the bits about... You know, the zookeeper. Speaker 3 (17:34) Right, there wasn't a zookeeper. Yeah, go on. Speaker 1 (17:36) Well, there was, but they left that bit out. Speaker 3 (17:37) Well, okay, fine. And Speaker 4 (17:39) they left Speaker 3 (17:40) out the bit where it ran from there in 1975? In terms of Speaker 4 (17:45) those that did research, they actually, when they filmed it, you read it on the internet. Yeah. Speaker 3 (17:50) Chances Speaker 4 (17:50) are you're the one with the facts wrong. Speaker 3 (17:51) Yeah, I think they also left out the bit when it jumped over three double-decker buses on a motorbike. Speaker 1 (17:57) Yeah, Speaker 3 (17:57) on Speaker 4 (17:57) Evel Knievel's motorbike. Yeah. Speaker 3 (18:01) So... I can't believe it. I cannot believe it. Not only do you not bother turning up, but you turn off the radio and start watching football. Speaker 1 (18:09) Yeah, I turn it off, but I've recorded it. I'll listen back later and sort of tell you. Well, Speaker 3 (18:13) what Speaker 1 (18:13) good is that? Sort of, I like to keep, you know, keep it in shape and that. I'll have a word next week. Speaker 4 (18:18) All right. If you receive Speaker 1 (18:20) any phone calls from people you don't know, we Speaker 4 (18:22) don't know anything about that. Speaker 1 (18:24) We Speaker 4 (18:24) don't know why that is happening. That is just going to be a weird, spooky thing. Speaker 1 (18:30) XFM 104.9, Matthew Sweet and a song called In My Time. Ricky Gervais, Steve Mochink, Carl Speaker 4 (18:34) Pilkington. That was great, that. Yeah, just asking Carl some of these Q &A questions. This Speaker 3 (18:38) might be my idea of perfect happiness, being in a room with Carl Pilkington. I just Speaker 1 (18:42) watch Speaker 3 (18:42) him look around. When you're talking, he looks at you, and it's like, you know when owners say, it's like the cat can understand what I'm saying? Yeah. He's on the edge of that. He's on the edge of that. You think he can. And I know he understands the words, but I don't think he understands the full impact. Whenever you say something to him, it might be a revelation or something. He always... picks up on the wrong side, you know, that's not the important bit. Do you know what I mean? He always goes... It's a bit like having a 14-year-old French exchange student. Their Speaker 4 (19:09) English is not amazing. They roughly understand you, but they're trying to piece together what you're saying. Speaker 3 (19:13) Exactly. But it's great. You see, the thing about Carl is, and don't take this the wrong way, I like him because he's stupid, in a way. No, I'm not being funny, but do you know what I mean? But... Even though I think he is considered stupid, some of the things he says, I think borders on the, I don't know what the PC term is, the retarded. Speaker 4 (19:38) Do you know what I mean, Carl? Anything Speaker 3 (19:39) in particular you're thinking of, though, Rick, when you think of Speaker 4 (19:41) him? Speaker 3 (19:41) Well, he was talking to me the other day, because I'm trying to write a show called Science, and he's sort of going to help me out with some of the research, and I want him to do something on the DVD for it, right? And he was talking about it. And he was talking about, he says, in the future, they reckon we'll be able to soon, he said, they'll be able to take us into space and it's going to cost us £150,000. I said, what's the point? There's nothing up there. He said, when they went up there, right, he said, when Louis Armstrong went in 1966, right, he said, it was nothing there. So there was him, a fellow called Buzz, there was one third bloke that didn't even get out of the spaceship. He said he went all that way, he didn't go out to stretch his legs. How good can it be? Forget it. That's him summing up space expression. Speaker 2 (20:31) Don't you agree with that? What's the point in going up there? Are Speaker 4 (20:35) we Speaker 3 (20:35) talking about the finger in the arse again here? Or Speaker 2 (20:37) space? What is the point in