I Was Snorting Fentanyl Every Day...Now I'm 3 Years Sober

Rise Above with Kevin Lanning

Mike Van Holderbeke shares his harrowing journey from a stable childhood to a severe fentanyl and benzodiazepine addiction that led to priso

Key takeaways

• Mike's addiction progressed from weed in 7th grade to fentanyl presses by high school.
• He experienced life-threatening seizures while driving due to benzodiazepine withdrawal.
• A house raid involving 16 officers led to a trafficking charge and a 15-month prison sentence.
• Running became his primary tool for building self-esteem and maintaining sobriety, even training for marathons.
• The counselor Summer Abernathy served as a 'beacon of hope' during his time in prison.

Main topics

• Addiction recovery
• Fentanyl crisis
• Prison experience

Notable quotes

I refuse to sacrifice that for any type of feeling, you know, momentarily or fleeting or whatever.

Conclusion

A powerful testament to the possibility of transformation and finding

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) You know, just getting dizzy. I'm driving on the highway, get dizzy. Next thing I know, you just wake up. You're in the hospital. I still thank God to this day that I never killed anyone or myself. Speaker 1 (0:16) Welcome to the podcast. I appreciate you coming out. Did you say North Carolina? Yeah, man. Charlotte. Nice. Shout out, Charlotte. You just had three years in Speaker 2 (0:25) February. Absolutely. February 20th. Speaker 1 (0:27) Congratulations, man. Thank you. How does it feel? Is this the longest you've ever been sober? Speaker 2 (0:32) Yes. I'm 27 years old. Longest ever. It's kind of hard to believe at times, really. It's like Speaker 1 (0:40) surreal. Yeah. But you just keep going, day at a time. It's so crazy because in the beginning, I lived off of one day at a time. It was so tough in the beginning when I was first getting sober. But even three years, eight and a half years of sobriety, I still live one day at a time because it's no longer about the drugs and alcohol. It's more of the thinking and just other character defects and things that pop up in your everyday life. And you've got to still live by that mantra one day at a time. Let's just get Speaker 2 (1:09) through today. Exactly. Speaker 2 (1:12) I mean, personally, it even boils down to hours and minutes sometimes, you know? Yeah. I just don't, what I've built in these last three years, I refuse to sacrifice that for any type of feeling, you know, momentarily or fleeting or whatever. I'm just blessed. Yeah. Speaker 1 (1:33) So take us through early childhood. You're from North Carolina. Yes. What was early childhood like? What was your upbringing like? Speaker 2 (1:40) Born in Belgium, actually, overseas. Moved here when I was, I believe, nine months old. Classic two-parent household. Speaker 2 (1:52) very blessed and I talk about this a lot. It's like I always had food in the fridge. I always had birthday gifts, Christmas gifts. I had a bed to sleep in, a roof over my head, but for some reason I still decided to say, okay, let's fuck it all up. Childhood, very blessed, like I just said. Parents, couldn't ask for a better mom in the world. My parents, ever since a kid, my dad was cheating on my mom. Speaker 2 (2:25) In reality, like the only emotion I ever got from my father was I was always just scared, you know, never, never felt love or I'm proud of you or things like this. It was really just I was always just scared, scared of making him mad, scared of doing the wrong thing. And that led to me really becoming close with my mom and my mom having to kind of try to be both. And, you know, they can try so hard, but, you know, and she did her best. I love my mom more than anyone on this planet. But, you know, a child usually needs two distinct figures usually. Yeah, Speaker 1 (3:05) especially a young boy. You need that male figure in your life. And it sounds like your mom was also that liaison between you and your dad. It was always Speaker 2 (3:15) very contentious. It was like living in a room with two roommates that hated each other. Speaker 2 (3:21) And you know, I have one brother. He's four years older. He took the opposite approach somehow, you know, he went to college, amazing job. He just got married in March, successful. He's honestly, my brother's my biggest inspiration in life. I want to be like him. And it's just interesting to think two children with the same environment, how. Speaker 1 (3:44) the paths can go complete opposite. Well, addiction doesn't discriminate. Yeah, no. Right? You and your brother had, I mean, yeah, you were in different times of your life, right? Four year, four year age difference. But it was the same blueprint, essentially, growing up. You had the disease of addiction, he didn't. And it doesn't discriminate. A lot of people that come on the show, I hear, well, I had a good upbringing. You know, my parents. you know provided showed love and then i have people that say oh both my parents left or my mom left or my dad left and i had a broken household it just it doesn't discriminate and i think that's one of the most important things to highlight in this podcast in this episode for the listeners it doesn't matter yeah Speaker 2 (4:32) no no matter addiction black Speaker 1 (4:34) white Yeah, you don't have to have this rock bottom crazy story, upbringing, childhood trauma to be an addict or an alcoholic. You don't. So, okay. So you have this interesting relationship with your father and your mom. When do you start to really notice it's different from normal households? Like, did you think this was normal in terms of... walking on eggshells around your father, the father kind of runs the household. And when did you kind of start to realize that maybe things were a little different? Speaker 2 (5:08) I can't pinpoint the age, but I do remember a specific night, classic screaming between mom and dad, start fighting. My mom starts getting hit. And I would always try and go and protect her or try and help her. But, you know, as a little kid, it just results in you getting battered. Exactly. But I remember I called the police. Yeah, I called the police on my dad. And this was back in a time where. He answers the door. Oh, yeah, officer. Of course. It's just a kid. Door closes, everything go back to normal. And I think that, yeah, that's when I, yeah, I don't know. Speaker 1 (5:49) I think Speaker 2 (5:50) that's when I realized. Speaker 2 (5:52) Yeah, I really don't know. I've never really worked through those issues or really talked about them. Well, you're bringing Speaker 1 (6:00) in outside help, i.e. the cops. So that's very abnormal. Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense. And okay, so were you playing sports too as a kid? Were you involved? What was your social life like? Speaker 2 (6:12) So when I was a kid, before I can remember, so like before middle school, I was always in stuff like swimming, basketball. soccer, never was interested in it. By the time I got to middle school, it was kind of just like checking a box in a sense. Yeah. So yeah, it really was not really very active, just playing video games, listening to music and stuff. When did you first cross paths with either drugs or alcohol? Seventh grade. Smoked weed for the first time in seventh grade. This guy named I remember his first and last name, actually. Just his first Speaker 1 (6:52) name is fine. We don't want to. His Speaker 2 (6:53) name is Michael, actually. Yeah, he sold me weed in seventh grade. I traded him a bunch of my Xbox games. He brought me a little thing of weed. For a gram of weed? Speaker 1 (7:03) Yeah. Speaker 2 (7:03) Oh, nice. And that's how it all started. And I remember it was just a happy feeling. It was a temporary escape, you know. Even for a few hours, everything was calm. laughing, enjoyable. Yeah. Um, yeah. Speaker 1 (7:20) Seventh grade. Okay. And when did it start to become more of an everyday thing or drinking became an everyday thing? So alcohol, actually, I think I've been drunk in my life less than 10 times. Speaker 2 (7:33) Alcohol's Speaker 1 (7:33) never been a Speaker 2 (7:34) thing for me. I just, I didn't really, yeah, I never liked it. I always hated the taste, but ninth grade, um, freshman year of high school, that's when, you know, you're in high school. That's when smoking weed became an everyday thing. So every day before school, every day after school. And now that I think about it, this was the first time where, you know, you don't get withdrawals from weed, but. That's when I started securing a way to make sure I could get high every weekend. You know, my weekends were let's go out smoke party with friends. What do we what do we have to sell this week to get some weed this weekend? And in reality, I think it is somewhat harmless. It's, you know, very not a lot of consequences come along with that till you start breaking the law and stuff. But I think it set a precedent for, you know, people argue between weed being a gateway drug. I think it set a precedent and made me understand, okay, substances can make me feel good. It can be an escape and kind of in a bad way. You know, this is foreshadowing for later because I realized I can pay money to get something and feel good. You know, my problems are gone for a few hours and I just didn't know how sinister that could get. I definitely think weed is a gateway Speaker 1 (8:54) drug, but it's a case-by-case basis. I'm speaking from an addict's perspective. There are people out – I don't know what it's like to not be an addict or an alcoholic because we could go down the rabbit hole. Is Kratom addictive? Is 708 addictive? Yes. Yes. For an addict and an alcoholic. But I've also had a lot of advocates for Kratom jump on my page and on my socials. And say, dude, do your research because it's helped a lot of people. So for the non-alcoholic addict, I can't speak to that. I can speak to the addicts and alcoholics of the world because that's what I am. If I drink Kratom. forget it Speaker 2 (9:35) it alters my mood and my mind in a Speaker 1 (9:38) week i will be fucking rocking and rolling like gone everyone's wallet's gonna be gone yeah everything's gonna burn down to the ground that's how i operate so anyway so with your point there with weed i when i started smoking weed when i was young i wanted something i was like this is boring high like i need something Bigger and better. Let's go. There's got to be something unlocked, you know, and then that's when I discovered opiates. So if my math is correct, off screen, off camera, you were just telling me you first got into the system legally in 2015. Yeah. So that's probably around 16 years old, 10th, 11th grade. Yeah. What happened? One thing I've learned in my own recovery is that you can't do this alone, and you don't have to. I know that firsthand. I went through inpatient treatment at Karen Treatment Centers, and it changed the course of my life. That's why I am proud to announce that I've partnered with Karen. For nearly 70 years, they've helped people and families not just break free from addiction, but actually heal and transform their lives. They're in network with all major insurance providers. and same day admission is available. So if you or someone you love is struggling, don't wait. Call Karen at 855-352-0103. That's 855-352-0103. Help starts with taking that first step. Speaker 2 (11:09) Exactly. It was with my first, or yeah, one of my first girlfriends. We were bored. Speaker 2 (11:17) I think this was, had I already started taking Xanax? I'm not sure, but that was my first taste of like hard drugs. But I'm with my ex-girlfriend. We're bored, just kids, walking around a school on a Sunday afternoon. I get the bright idea. Let's throw a rock into the school window and go inside. That sounds smart, right? Sounds like a great idea. I still to this day, was I trying to impress her? I don't know. Really, I think we were just being bored kids. But throw a rock into the window. We go in the school. We go to the cafeteria, steal like a Popsicle or something. We find these masks that kids had made. We put on the masks. Speaker 2 (12:00) I leave. Everything was totally normal. And then next week in school, like on a Wednesday or something, I get called to the office, go down to this conference room. I open the door. There's two detectives sitting at a table. They're like, have a seat. So I go sit down. And as soon as I sit down, they're like, stand up real quick for me. So I stand up and they look at each other. They're like, yeah, that's him. From there, they're like, yeah, you broke into the school. So this is felony breaking and entering now. Get a lawyer, get two years of supervised probation for this. No jail time or any, I did get arrested. I think I spent a night in jail or something. They give you a bond where you can sign your way out. Speaker 2 (12:46) Yeah, two years of supervised probation. And at that point, I was still kid thinking, yeah, I'm not going to stop doing anything. So keep smoking weed, keep taking Xanax, tried to get by the drug tests with a fake prosthetic penis with like synthetic urine. That didn't work for you, did it? Oh, it actually did for a while. Oh, wow. I got through almost two years of probation with that. stupidest idea ever. The anxiety and stress I caused for myself is just indescribable. Get my house searched one day by the probation officer. Can't remember if they found weed or found something, but anyway, so now I'm back in court for probation violation. And really that continued from 2015 all the way until December, 2024, when I finally got off all any sort of like. probation type thing. Okay. Speaker 1 (13:45) So for the two, you almost make it the two years of probation, 16 to 18, you're 18. You get your house or 17, 18. You get your house searched. They find shit. You're now back in court. Yeah. What do they do? They just extend your probation even further. Another Speaker 2 (14:00) two years. Speaker 1 (14:01) Okay. Now, did you graduate high school when you were 18? Yes. Okay. So you graduate high school. What do you do after high school on probation? Speaker 2 (14:09) We're going to – so we actually go to community college for almost a full semester. At this point, it had graduated from Xanax. So originally, Xanax was the big thing, and then I started – I sold Xanax in high school. I thought I was going to be, oh, cool, and then I can get high for free. Let's sell Xanax. Speaker 1 (14:29) Yeah. Speaker 2 (14:30) Ended up getting caught with Xanax a bunch, back-to-back arrests, stuff like that. On top of probation? Speaker 1 (14:37) Yeah. Speaker 2 (14:38) Yeah. And here's the thing. It's like, I really just kept getting slap on the wrist after slap on the wrist. I'm, I really, it's, I don't know what the reason was. Was it the way I look? Is it biases? Is it the courtroom I was in? Was it the judge? But for some reason they just kept letting me go. And, um, yeah, it didn't end anywhere good. Um, Speaker 2 (15:03) graduate high school, go to community college for a few months. By that point, I had really gotten big into opioids. So at this point, I was just skipping class, going to get high. What kind of opiates were you doing? It started with a 10 milligram pill. I think this was junior year of high school. I remember I was in class. This kid, Daniel, gives me this pill. We go to the bathroom, take it. I'll never forget that feeling. The second 15 minutes after you eat that pill, you start feeling warm. And the second I started getting the high, I knew this is it. This is what I've been searching for my entire life. This is like the warm blanket, man. Everything just pure bliss. No matter how crazy the head is going, no matter how bad life is, no matter how many bills, I Speaker 1 (16:00) am good now. It was the 10 milligram oxycodone, right? The small one. So they have like the Roxy blues that are 30s, 30 milligrams. And then they made, I think the 15s, they made 10s and they made fives, I think. I don't know. I think the 15s Speaker 2 (16:14) were Speaker 1 (16:14) green. I'll get corrected in the comments for it. But it's been a while. I've been out of the game. So you had the 10 milligram. You guys split it. Dude, I know exactly what you're fucking talking about. That opiate high, that first, I'll never forget that first opiate high. And I remember just like you saying, this is how, this is it. This is what I've been searching for. And this is how I want to feel for the rest of my life. Exactly. Why not? It's fucking great. So, okay. How fast do things spiral out of control? Speaker 2 (16:44) Sheesh, man. Speaker 2 (16:47) Too fast to even count. Speaker 2 (16:51) By so this was 2015 2016 or so Within two years two and a half years. I've already moved to the fake stuff it went from Buying out however many 10 milligram percocets I can get or 10 milligram oxys Then at a certain point you start realizing I'm paying all this money. I could be getting just as much if I get this other stuff That's when I learned about the fake pressed pills, the blue ones, the fentanyl pills. It goes from paying $2 a milligram, so you're paying $20, $22 a pill for a 10 milligram pill versus you're now paying $3 per pill for a little blue one. And you can get a bag of 100 for 300. Hey, within no time, I'm on the highway driving, putting like five pills in a straw. crushing it up with the back teeth shotgunning it while driving um Speaker 2 (17:54) Yeah, man. It's scary how fast it happened. I mean, dude, that's crazy. But Speaker 1 (18:00) you were paying $2 a Speaker