I Was A Straight-A Student Blacking Out Every Weekend By 13

Rise Above with Kevin Lanning

Paris Bazley shares her harrowing journey from a high-achieving student to a functional blackout drinker and cocaine user. She details how c

Key takeaways

• Paris experienced her first blackout immediately upon drinking alcohol at age 13.
• She maintained a high academic standard, graduating high school early with a 3.8 GPA despite heavy substance use.
• A traumatic incident of being roofied at a sorority social led to her medical withdrawal from UCF.
• The transition to sobriety was triggered by a physical detox on her parents' couch and an invitation to an AA meeting.
• Recovery through AA provided Paris with the tools for self-love and the ability to build meaningful, non-transactional relationships.

Main topics

• Early childhood trauma and divorce
• Progression of alcohol and cocaine addiction
• The culture of sororities and college bartending

Notable quotes

AA taught me how to love myself.

Conclusion

A powerful narrative of resilience that demonstrates how even the most

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) This was different because I had like girls in my sorority like carrying me, like my eyes rolling to the back of my head, like vomiting on myself, roofied. Speaker 2 (0:18) Paris, I want to welcome you. Thank you so much for coming on the show. We were just talking. You got sober when you were 21. You're coming up on two years of sobriety in October. Speaker 1 (0:28) Yep. Speaker 2 (0:29) Congratulations. Speaker 1 (0:29) Thank you. Speaker 2 (0:30) We were also just talking about young people in recovery, and a lot of people need to hear the message. Speaker 1 (0:40) Absolutely. Speaker 2 (0:41) Gen Zers, I have so much respect for. You have the Sober Curious movement. But there are the real alcoholics out there who I was one of them at, you know, you're 20, you're going to be 23 at 23, 22 years old. I was one of those people who needed to hear the message and see someone else my age getting sober, happy, improving their life for that hope. Because there were a lot of things that I couldn't relate to when I would go to meetings at 22, 23 years old. Speaker 1 (1:07) That's the hardest. I think that was the hardest part for me going into recovery at such a young age. It's a lot older community. And I think that's why like Instagram and TikTok and all of these platforms like help me so much. Being able to see young people like spreading any sort of message about being sober. It's like a trend to be sober now. And I mean, it helped me so much just seeing other young people trying to get sober. Speaker 2 (1:35) We talk a lot about in society, social media being bad. And look, there are a lot of negatives, but the positive there is seeing other people who are sober around your age, younger generation, because I was always in fear that once I put the drink down, once I put the drug down, fun's over. It's done. I'm hanging out in a church basement for the rest of my life with- Speaker 1 (2:00) Life's over. Speaker 2 (2:00) Older men who have beards and drink coffee. Speaker 1 (2:05) Oh my God. Everyone in my meeting is like over the age of 50. 50 to 80 years old. I literally was like, my life is over. I'm never going to have fun again. I am, I'm dead. Like die now. Like what's, what's the point of life? Yeah. And I was completely wrong. Yeah. Like, wow, my life is so much better now. Speaker 2 (2:27) Yeah. Well, just go onto your Instagram. You and, you know, Laura. Yeah. You guys are always working out, laughing, smiling. Going Speaker 1 (2:34) to do fun things, going out with our friends. Like I have friends now today that like I actually enjoy hanging out with, not just drinking with. I Speaker 2 (2:41) love that. Speaker 1 (2:42) It's such a. cool feeling. Yeah. Speaker 2 (2:44) You're both actually sharing about your lives in that relationship and asking one another and truly meaning it and interesting. Oh Speaker 1 (2:53) my God. Speaker 2 (2:53) Yeah. It's such a great thing. Those relationships that I've built in sobriety, I used to be the guy who was, what's in this for me? Speaker 1 (3:01) Transactional. Yeah. Transactional. If you don't give me something, I don't want a relationship with you. I was always using other people. So. To have so much more than just superficial relationships today. It's unlike anything I've ever had. It's Speaker 2 (3:17) a Speaker 1 (3:17) beautiful Speaker 2 (3:17) thing. Yeah. It's Speaker 1 (3:18) the Speaker 2 (3:18) way life should be. Speaker 1 (3:19) Okay. Speaker 2 (3:20) So you're originally from Naples? Speaker 1 (3:22) Yes. Naples, Florida. Take Speaker 2 (3:24) us through early childhood. What was that like for you? Speaker 1 (3:27) So I have two, actually in total, I think I have like eight siblings, but. Speaker 2 (3:33) I think I have eight siblings. I Speaker 1 (3:35) could sit here and count. Speaker 2 (3:36) No, no, you're good. You're good. That's funny. Speaker 1 (3:38) But it's Speaker 2 (3:39) a Speaker 1 (3:39) blended family. So I, growing up in Naples, I had an older brother and a younger brother. My parents were together until I was about eight years old. Yeah, when they were together, my dad was drinking. So I saw a lot of what alcohol could do to someone. You know, my mom tried not to like, she tried to like hide it from us, but they were, you know, like they stay together to like help the family. But in reality, I think it was hurting us even more. Speaker 1 (4:13) My parents always had issues, you know, since I was a little I remember them fighting and my dad would drink and he would Leave for a couple days and come back and it'd be like nothing happened, you know We just pretend and then to the outside world. We were like this perfect family, you know, I went to private school my parents paid for me to like go to soccer and like just like pretend like we were a normal family, of Speaker 2 (4:38) course and Speaker 1 (4:40) At home, it was the complete opposite. You know, I'm hiding with my brothers in the room so we don't hear my parents fight. I haven't seen my dad in three days, but, you know, it was definitely tough watching that. You know, I wish they would have honestly divorced sooner when I was younger, but it took what it took. And once I was like eight. My parents divorced and then they moved to like opposite sides of town. My parents hated each other. Speaker 2 (5:12) Like Speaker 1 (5:13) absolutely. They have a relationship today, which I can say is like amazing, but. Speaker 1 (5:21) When they first got divorced, it was like they didn't even have each other's numbers. They emailed each other. So, yeah, having divorced parents, like it was not very fun at first. Speaker 2 (5:32) At eight years old, did you feel relieved when they announced to you guys that they were getting divorced because of the chaos that was going on? And you felt it, obviously. You're talking about it. But did you feel that relief? One thing I've learned in my own recovery is that you can't do this alone, and you don't have to. I know that firsthand. I went through inpatient treatment at Karen Treatment Centers, and it changed the course of my life. That's why I am proud to announce that I've partnered with Karen. For nearly 70 years, they've helped people and families not just break free from addiction, but actually heal and transform their lives. They're in network with all major insurance providers. and same day admission is available. So if you or someone you love is struggling, don't wait. Call Karen at 855-352-0103. That's 855-352-0103. Help starts with taking that first step. Speaker 1 (6:33) I was so, I was so happy. And I feel like not a lot of kids would say that, that they were happy to see their parents like leave each other. But you could tell how unhappy my parents were in the relationship that they were in. You know, a lot of people have like parents that love each other. And like you see that growing up and like you see what a good relationship looks like. I knew what a bad relationship looked like. You know, I grew up knowing what not to do. I knew what I didn't want when I grew up. I didn't want that kind of relationship. So, yeah, once they divorced, it was like, yes, Speaker 2 (7:10) like Speaker 1 (7:10) finally. Yeah. Well, Speaker 2 (7:13) a lot of people, a lot of parents stay together for the kids. Oh Speaker 1 (7:17) my God. And it's Speaker 2 (7:18) not good. And they think it's good, but kids, I mean, eight years old, you feel that my daughter seven, she's very smart. She has awareness. She knows when vibes are off. She knows if something's going on. So Speaker 1 (7:30) smart. It doesn't matter at five, you're knowing what's going on. Yeah. Yeah. So no matter how much they thought they were hiding it, like we knew it was happening. Yeah. Speaker 2 (7:41) So Speaker 1 (7:41) they moved to opposite sides of town in Naples. It was like it was Naples, then Marco Island and then Naples and then Bonita Beach. So it was like literally at the wits end of the town they both moved to. So, you know. It was 50-50 at first, going back and forth and like, you know, the divorced parents thing, having to like bring all of your clothes with you to school. And Speaker 2 (8:07) it Speaker 1 (8:08) was just, it was tough when they were together, but I think I didn't realize like what it was going to be like afterwards as well. So, you know, my dad, this was when my dad decided to get sober again. So he was sober once before. My dad's in the program and he... decided to get sober again after my parents divorced. So he was back in the meetings, going back, and you could tell he was trying to get his life together again. And my mom, I think the divorce did something different. You know, I think it had like an opposite effect on her. And it was hard to see her so upset over it. And I think she ended up taking it out on us. So. I would be like excited to go to my dad's house after my mom's, you know, it'd be like, oh, I just want to stay at daddy's. I don't want to, I don't want to be at mom's. And then it just kept getting worse, you know? And I say this now because I have a great relationship with her, but I, I haven't always, you know, I. Speaker 1 (9:18) Growing up, I think a lot of my self-conscious and like insecurities came from my relationship with her. And I always wanted to be like this perfect daughter for her. I wanted her to just love me. And nothing was good enough for her. So I think a lot more of that came out when they divorced because she wasn't taking it out on my dad. So she took it out on me and my brothers. And I think me the most because I was her only daughter. So it was like, I don't know. It just, it became very hard to want. To just have a relationship with her. So I think when I was 13 or 14, I ended up moving in with my dad full time. So yeah, I say this because I have a good relationship with her now, but a lot of my stuff, my childhood stuff, I would say comes from my relationship with her. Speaker 2 (10:24) Well, your mom, it was the first time she went through a divorce. Your dad was drinking. She's never dealt with that before. And I'm sure that had played a major factor in their divorce. So she went through all of this the first time. And I know you've done the work. You're in your second year of sobriety. And the way you speak about her now obviously shows you've done the work. But your mom did the best that she could. It's her Speaker 1 (10:49) first time. It's funny. It's her first time going through all of this as well. She's human. Speaker 2 (10:52) And I'm sure she is a wonderful lady. And she was going through it. for the first time and that I went through a divorce. It is not easy at all. Imagine with multiple kids. I had one. It is hard as fuck. And Speaker 1 (11:09) like wanting to keep the peace, but like it's, it's difficult. Yeah. It's hard. So I don't imagine what they felt like, but I know what I felt like. And of course Speaker 2 (11:19) it Speaker 1 (11:19) was hard as a child. Yeah. So can't imagine as an adult. Were Speaker 2 (11:23) you active as a kid? Were you playing sports? Were you involved? I Speaker 1 (11:26) did. Like I said, my mom wanted me to like be perfect. So it was like I did soccer. I did like I went to a private school until I was like, I think eight or nine. And then when my parents divorced and but I did like the math leads and like I was on a debate team and I did like I did any and everything. I played volleyball. I was and I had to be amazing at it. If I wasn't the best, it was like, why am I doing this? If I didn't get like a perfect score on my test, like what was the point of that? Like, and it was always bringing it home to my mom. She's like, you could have done better. So it was always that feeling of like, oh, that's not good enough. And I think later in life that resulted into a lot of my drinking, like, okay, well, I'm not good enough for this person. Oh, I'm not good enough to do this. I'm just going to drink over it. Speaker 2 (12:21) And pressure like that as a young kid is not good. But let me ask you this. So your mom, yes, she was tough on you. It's not good enough, the grade, whatever it is. Do you think it was an overdrive for you though because of some of the comments she was making? Like was it seeping out into other areas of your life where your mom wasn't involved? Speaker 1 (12:45) Oh, absolutely. It was. Speaker 1 (12:48) everything that she wanted me to do, it was like, okay, like I'm not good enough for that. But then in friendships that I had or like Speaker 2 (12:56) anything Speaker 1 (12:57) outside of the house with her, you know, like I started being like, oh, I'm not, I'm not a good enough friend. Like I should be doing this. And it's like all of these shoulds, I should be doing this. I should, I should be just a better person. Like, why am I not like this? And it was like that hole that I just. We talk about it when you're in recovery. It's like you have that hole in your soul and it's like, I didn't know what it was for so long. It was like, I think from such a young age, having that and not understanding what it was and not being able to express those feelings and knowing how to deal with them later resulted in the use of drugs and alcohol. Speaker 2 (13:43) That's a very common amongst all my guests. Yeah. It's like they were fitting in, or at least I was fitting in. And I felt like I wasn't, I felt like I was an outcast to that group. It was never good enough. And I would switch my behavior from friend to friend based on what I thought you liked so that you would accept me. And I was the best friend ever. And I was also the king of half measures. I would start something if I was not the best. If I was not the absolute best, I'm done. I'm good. I don't want anything to do with it. Or if I was starting to get good at something, I wanted the easiest route to be the best. Like what's the cheat code here? So I identify a lot with that. Okay. Take us to your first drink or drug. Speaker 1 (14:29) So like I was saying, my parents divorced at eight. moved in with my dad at like 13 or 14. So I'd already had a pretty rocky relationship with my mom. And then 13 was when I had my first drink. And this was like. I just, I think I was in eighth grade and I had started hanging out at my dad's house more. And I knew my dad's house, like he wasn't always as like watching over me as my mom was. So I knew I could get away with more. And at this time, my dad had met my stepmom. I had siblings. So my stepmom had three kids. So I had. two older sisters and an older brother at this point. So there's five siblings now in the picture. But when I was at dad's, I could go out with my friends and like, he wouldn't check my location or like see what I was doing. So I kind of started to pick up on that. And I went over to a friend's house and, you know, like you find the bottle of Tito's under the sink and you and your friends are like, oh my God, we have this amazing idea. Her mom was out of town for the weekend. I didn't tell my parents. You know, one thing led to another. We're inviting other people over. I mean, I'm 13. I'm like seventh, eighth grade. I'm telling, this is the most fun I've ever had. So that first night, I, it's funny. Like I have, I actually just watched the Snapchat video. I'm like. Speaker 1 (16:07) literally drinking Tito's out of the handle. And I don't remember any of this. The first time drinking, I blackout, immediate blackout. And, you know, I remember waking up the next morning, like feeling horrible. When can we do that again? when can this, I need more. And I mean, my friends were like, you were throwing up last night. You were all over the place. And I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking about. I just remember, I want to do it again. So I mean, from the moment I drank, I was a blackout drinker. Speaker 2 (16:47) And there's a high to the next day when everyone's like, bro, do you know what you did last night? Holy fuck. They're all talking about you, like with you and that. Like you were, Speaker 1 (16:57) yeah. Speaker 2 (16:58) Acceptance. Speaker 1 (16:58) Yeah. And it was. You were part of. It was literally, I think almost like 80 to 90 % of the time I blacked out. There was such a small percentage that I really did remember. So when I realized that not everyone blacks out when you drink, that was. The craziest realization for me. Speaker 2 (17:20) That was eye-opening to me as well. I was like – Speaker 1 (17:22) I'm like, Speaker 2 (17:22) wait, you guys don't black out. Speaker 1 (17:24) When my friend had been like, wait, I've never blacked out. I was like, I can't even count on my hands how many times. I couldn't even tell you. Speaker 2 (17:32) Yeah. Speaker 1 (17:32) Yeah. Speaker 2 (17:33) Now, you're 13, 14-ish, so you don't have access to alcohol all the time. But does this become a – Speaker 1 (17:41) Every weekend. Speaker 2 (17:42) Yeah, okay. Like weekend, it's focused where are we getting, where are we going, blah, blah, blah. I Speaker 1 (17:47) was in middle school, high school texting in the group chat like, oh, whose house are we going to this weekend? Speaker 2 (17:54) Whose Speaker 1 (17:55) parent is buying the alcohol? It wasn't my parents because my parents are in the program and they were sober. But I, of course, found the friends that their parents thought it was fine to drink at the house because if we drank at their house, like. they were safe. You know, like some parents think like that. Yeah, of course. Speaker 2 (18:13) We had those friends too. Speaker 1 (18:14) Oh, yeah. So I, of course, found those friends. I quickly, after drinking for the first time, I found marijuana, you know, Speaker 2 (18:25) smoking Speaker 1 (18:26) and drinking had become like the conjoined thing. It was like, oh, where are we getting weed? Where are we getting alcohol? Every weekend. And school had become so like back burner for me. And me and my friend group would like meet up before school and smoke. We would. It was like, it was like so fun. But Speaker 2 (18:46) it Speaker 1 (18:47) had already started like that cycle of like, oh, when's the next time? Oh, when's the next time? Speaker 2 (18:53) Yeah. Speaker 1 (18:53) And yeah, I mean, I was always lying to my parents, telling them always I was here and I was actually at this person's house. I'd go to football games drunk out of my mind. Speaker 1 (19:05) 14, 15 years old. And I just, at this point, I was not speaking to my mom. So I was just at my dad's house living with my dad and my stepmom. I didn't have a good relationship with my mom. We were on like no talking terms. So I think for about a year, I didn't talk to her. And my brothers, okay, so the two brothers that I grew up with from my mom and my dad, I... kind of lost my relationship with them for a while because I was living at my dad's and they were living at my mom's. So it kind of like split us up. So I would like see them from afar if like we went to the same school function or like, you know, went to the same thing. And it just like, I always had that like lingering feeling of like, oh, like this sucks, you know, like. I miss when my life felt normal, which it wasn't really normal, but it was normal for me. Speaker 2 (20:07) Was it like a deep down hurt? Speaker 1 (20:09) Yes, absolutely. You know, I think. at 14 deciding to live with your dad and not speak to your mom you know I think I had my stepmom you know and I I call her my mom today like we have such an amazing relationship but there's like something that will never replace that feeling that your mom gives you you know and And being so already in drugs and alcohol at 14, you know, I feel like I was just like screaming for my mom. I just wanted to have a relationship with her. And I didn't know how to do that. So not speaking to her was the best way that I could do it. Speaker 2 (20:52) Yeah, it was just avoid it. Fuck it. Oh, it Speaker 1 (20:54) was avoid it. Fuck Speaker 2 (20:55) it. Speaker 1 (20:55) Absolutely. And, you know, that obviously brought a lot of issues between – because my parents were divorced, but they had a – contractual like 50 50 so I ended up going to a school by my dad's house my mom called the police police came to the school they picked me up and brought me to the other school that I was supposed to go to there was always issues yeah Speaker 2 (21:18) you Speaker 1 (21:18) know I'm like I remember these police picking me up I would go to football games and see them and like there would be like moments where I would like literally black out and be like oh I need a drink or a drug and I'm like 14, 15. I'm like, I don't even want to think about what's going on in my life because it just feelings, emotions. No, no thanks. I don't want to deal with it. Speaker 2 (21:42) So you said school was on the back burner, but were you getting good grades? Speaker 1 (21:46) Yeah. I was always high achieving. You know, I think. Like my mom kind of programmed me to be that way. You got to be good at this. You got to be the best at what you do. And despite smoking in the morning, getting drunk in the afternoon, I was always an A student. You know, I did AP classes in high school. I graduated. Sophomore year, COVID happened. Oh, my Speaker 2 (22:17) God. Sophomore year of high school. Yeah. COVID. That is wild. You're so young. Speaker 1 (22:24) Yeah. It was my sophomore year of high school. That's crazy. And I went completely online. So, I mean, another reason to drink more because you didn't have to go to school. Yeah. Speaker 2 (22:36) But Speaker 1 (22:36) it was easy to get all A's. I mean, I've figured out that online school is terrible if you really want to learn something. But if you're just trying to skate by, oh, all A's, cake. Speaker 2 (22:50) Yeah. Easy. Were a lot of kids cheating? Speaker 1 (22:52) Oh, my God. Speaker 2 (22:53) Yeah. Speaker 1 (22:54) It was – yeah. It was – I will say it was easy. Speaker 2 (22:59) Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you end up graduating on time. Mm Speaker 1 (23:02) -hmm. And Speaker 2 (23:02) it's smoking weed, drinking, blacking out. Yeah. By senior year. Speaker 1 (23:07) All of the – Party goes Speaker 2 (23:08) on. Speaker 1 (23:09) Yeah. I hadn't tried. So – I say that I'm like an alcoholic, but I also did a lot of Coke. You Speaker 2 (23:16) and I both. Speaker 1 (23:17) Yeah. So it was definitely, oh, if I drink, Coke was going right with it. It was like they were buddies. Speaker 2 (23:24) But Speaker 1 (23:24) I hadn't tried it until my senior year of high school. So I also in the