I Was A Harvard Student Secretly Addicted To Oxy And Xanax

Rise Above with Kevin Lanning

Emma shares her harrowing journey from being a Harvard student secretly addicted to Oxy and Xanax to finding recovery and purpose through so

Key takeaways

• Addiction often stems from unresolved childhood trauma and an inability to sit with uncomfortable emotions.
• The 'bottom' is not defined by severity but by when you choose to stop digging deeper.

Main topics

• Addiction in elite academic environments
• Childhood trauma and emotional dysregulation

Notable quotes

The second I feel the relief from a drug, I want, I'm so terrified that the feeling's going to go away that I think that I need to like immediately take more.

Conclusion

Emma's story underscores that healing begins with acknowledging pain and choosing to

Transcript preview

Speaker 4 (0:04) The Speaker 3 (0:05) city moves fast, but your vibe, that's different. Sharper, smoother, more alive. Speaker 4 (0:15) The new Speaker 3 (0:20) Honda City isn't just made to drive, it's made to feel. The new Honda City, all new vibe. Speaker 1 (0:28) The second I feel the relief from a drug, I want, I'm so terrified that the feeling's going to go away that I think that I need to like immediately take more. Speaker 2 (0:46) Emma, I want to thank you for coming on. Speaker 1 (0:48) Thank you for having me. Speaker 2 (0:49) So your family just recently moved down to the area, Palm Beach County. Thank you. You're visiting them right now? Speaker 1 (0:56) They're not here, actually. They're on some gallivanting around. But I love coming down here. It's so nice. Speaker 2 (1:03) So you're using their house when they're not here. Always. Smart. Speaker 1 (1:06) Yes. Speaker 2 (1:06) Very, very smart. It's Speaker 1 (1:07) a Speaker 2 (1:07) nice break from New York City. Yeah, always. So let's take a huge step back. You are from New York. I Speaker 1 (1:13) am born and raised from New York, yeah. Speaker 2 (1:15) New York City. The Speaker 1 (1:16) city, Upper East Side, next to Asphalt Green, if you know where that is. Speaker 2 (1:20) And tell me a little bit about childhood. Do you have siblings? Speaker 1 (1:23) I have a younger sister. My mom is a pilot, so I grew up and she was always flying. My parents got divorced when I was really young, when I was five. So I don't really have many memories of them together. But like, I... Very distinctly remember confronting my parents at a restaurant, Elio's, on 84th Street and like 3rd or something when I was five years old and being like, you're getting divorced and throwing the biggest temper tantrum. And in my memory, that's where they told me they were getting divorced. But they were like, no, that's not what happened. We would never tell you that you were getting divorced in a restaurant. But like you confronted us knowing that we were getting divorced or like something was going on and at the restaurant. And I, that's like probably my earliest memory. Speaker 2 (2:12) So you felt the energy between them as a five-year-old. Speaker 1 (2:17) Yeah. Speaker 2 (2:17) That's crazy. Speaker 1 (2:19) I, that is, it is crazy in hindsight to think about, but like that, I did that again at like seven when my dad was getting divorced from my. Or like eight when my dad was getting divorced from my stepmom. Like I again like confronted them. I was like, something's going on. Speaker 1 (2:36) It's crazy. Speaker 2 (2:37) Kids are smart. Speaker 1 (2:38) Kids are really, you know, you always know. Like you always have a feeling. And I like, a lot of my life is spent like trying to run away from the feeling or not wanting the feeling to be true. Speaker 2 (2:49) And Speaker 1 (2:50) then always in the end, like you can fight it to a certain extent and then it is just reality and you have to face it. Speaker 2 (2:58) But at a young age, you were, so I feel like a lot of five, six, seven, eight year olds will feel it. but not take action. You were taking the action and bringing it to them and saying, you guys should be getting a divorce. Speaker 1 (3:11) I can't, like, I can only sit with uncomfortable feelings for so long before I explode in some way. And I guess that was true, like, from a very, very young age. Like, I get so uncomfortable and so restless in my body that, like, something happened. Like, I have to do something. Speaker 2 (3:29) Yeah. Speaker 2 (3:31) That's at a young age. I feel like that's a good trait. Not being able to sit with your feelings is tough. That will lead to alcoholism addiction. Right. But I feel like that'll get you a lot of places in life too, though. Speaker 1 (3:44) I am a very action oriented person. And I think that that has helped me in so many ways. Like Speaker 2 (3:51) I'm Speaker 1 (3:52) not a strategizer. I'm not a big, like sit down and think about it. I'm like, I'm just going to go and do it and figure it out while I go. Speaker 2 (3:59) Good work ethic. Speaker 1 (4:01) I have learned good work ethic over my time before I quit my job in August. I was like in finance for six years and I think it teaches you really, it forces you to learn how to be a really good employee. Speaker 3 (4:16) And it Speaker 1 (4:17) got like harder and harder and harder as I continued my career. And you just don't have like, I, you work until the work is done. Speaker 2 (4:25) Yeah. Okay. So your biological parents get divorced at five. Speaker 1 (4:30) At five. Speaker 2 (4:31) Okay. And does your mom go off and get married again? Your dad did and then got divorced again at seven, eight, I'm assuming. Speaker 1 (4:39) My mom got remarried, but not until I was like, they like started dating someone. I was like 15, got married when I was like in 2013. Um, absolutely amazing person. I love him with all my heart. He is like so important in my life and is so fantastic to me and my entire family. And they've been married since then. And he's will always be in my life. He's just like such a stable and like grounding force. Just very thinks very differently than me is one of the smartest people I know. Wow. The smartest person I know. And it's great. Like my parents have a very working relationship now. Like we have dinner all together with my stepdad and my dad. And it's. I never thought that would ever happen, but it's like, great. It's like when you grow up, like, I think. Speaker 1 (5:33) everyone, everyone just like wants everyone to be happy. There's no like need for there to be any animosity. Of Speaker 2 (5:39) course. My, my ex-wife has a boyfriend now for like three or four years. And I look at him as another positive male role model in my daughter's life, in this crazy world that we are living in with, with daddy issues with this and that. And it's just another pot. Like the further I'm moving away from it. the more and more I'm grateful and realizing the bigger picture. Totally. Speaker 1 (6:04) And I think like, especially as a parent, you just like, if they're caring for your daughter and like my dad, my dad feels the same way. Like he knows how much my stepdad loves and take care of me and my sister and like our whole family. He has nothing but the utmost respect and they have such a great relationship. It's really nice. I mean, they're not like hanging out all the time, but they're like. Right, Speaker 2 (6:27) right. Yeah, I'm good on hanging out with a boyfriend. I don't need to. You Speaker 1 (6:31) don't need to like Speaker 2 (6:31) all Speaker 1 (6:31) be together all the time. Right, right, right. We can have Thanksgiving together and be normal. Of Speaker 2 (6:36) course. Speaker 1 (6:36) But like, of course, that was not always the Speaker 2 (6:40) case. So your mom, it seems like, took her time, found someone, met someone. Now, I'm sure your father's an amazing person, but did he jump right into another marriage? Yeah. And then they got divorced and then. Speaker 1 (6:56) I don't remember exactly how it all happened, but there was definitely like he I don't I don't know that he's been in a relationship in many, many years. So it kind of they kind of like flip flopped. Speaker 2 (7:07) I Speaker 1 (7:08) think my mom, from her perspective, like. was growing was trying to raise me and my sister was flying there was like so many things going on and I think especially as a pilot it's like really hard to have a relationship when you're like can leave at any moment um and so when but when she met my stepdad they were like everything changed inseparable yeah exactly what Speaker 2 (7:36) was middle school and high school like for you I Speaker 1 (7:40) think that I had I found really, really amazing people in my middle school and high school that I like I'm still friends with today. Like I went to an all girl school for 13 years and it was the same school. And a lot of like I would say at least 50 percent of our class were all there from like kindergarten. And so it creates this like really like they will be in my life forever. But in my my head was always like a really difficult place to be. I think. I was always insecure. I was always like creating these stories in my head about what other people thought of me. If someone, and to this day it happens, it's like someone doesn't, if like a couple people don't respond to me for like an hour or two, I'm like, they're conspiring against me and everyone hates me. And I like go back into the log of my brain being like, what did I do wrong? Like, what could they possibly be mad about? And I think that's also like an addiction thing of like, I am traumatized by all the things that I actually was doing terribly that in my head, I'm like, am I doing something that I don't know about that is so bad? But I was, my feelings were always like very loud and very overwhelming and I didn't know what to do with them. And when I was younger, I think that I tried to find sympathy and I tried to like. Speaker 1 (8:59) for like manipulate it by being like really upset and sitting in the corner and being like, and like hoping someone comes up to me. And that didn't work. It like very much didn't work. It pushed people away. They had no interest in like leading into my manipulations. And then when I realized it didn't work, I sort of was like, okay, I'm going to take the opposite tact and I'm going to like not have any emotions ever and like not care. I Speaker 2 (9:25) got to switch up my game. Speaker 1 (9:27) Exactly. And I and that also didn't lend itself well to anything. I have never been good at like living in the gray area or like the middle ground of what you can and should do, which is like you can be upset and you can like feel like you need attention and love and care. But you can also just like say that. And like trying to manipulate it will never get you what you want. And trying to ignore it will also never get you what you want. Speaker 2 (10:00) Yeah. It's that sympathy card. I've tried it out a couple of times when I was younger and I can relate a lot to the middle ground in that gray area. And it's like being present. I couldn't just be present. I had to be one side of the spectrum to the other, either or. Speaker 2 (10:22) So, all right, take us through, when do you start drinking? One thing I've learned in my own recovery is that you can't do this alone, and you don't have to. I know that firsthand. I went through inpatient treatment at Karen Treatment Centers, and it changed the course of my life. That's why I am proud to announce that I have partnered with Karen. For nearly 70 years, they've helped people and families not just break free from addiction, but actually heal. and transform their lives. They're in network with all major insurance providers, and same day admission is available. So if you or someone you love is struggling, don't wait. Call Karen at 855-352-0103. That's 855-352-0103. Help starts with taking that first step. Speaker 1 (11:14) I, it wasn't like, especially for growing up in New York, I feel like it wasn't that young. Like I, I hear stories about like the suburbs. Like I had a beer when I was 12. It's like, I. Probably got drunk for the first time. Well, the first time I drank, I got just like physically ill. I think I must have been like 15. And it was at like someone's apartment when their like family wasn't there. And I just remember I didn't like it. Alcohol wasn't my thing. I didn't. It made me physically sick. Like it is actually a poison, but it also like poisoned me more than others. And I never really like felt like I got drunk. I just like didn't feel good immediately. Like physically, I have like a very weak stomach and that was not good for drinking. So I didn't understand it. Like the concept of drinking didn't make sense to me because I was like, this isn't fun, fun at all. It was really like, and it was probably around the same time that like I smoked weed for the first time that I did get. That I was like, oh, this makes perfect sense and I never want to stop doing this. Because it like made me, it made my anxiety quiet and made my like head quiet. And so that's what really did it for me. Speaker 2 (12:32) Okay. In high school, were you involved? Were you playing sports? Yeah, I was like, I Speaker 1 (12:37) played on the basketball team. I played on the tennis team. I was, I was a very, because of how much anxiety I naturally have. I was a very functioning person because I like literally the idea of going to school even today and not having been prepared is so anxiety provoking that I just can't do it because it's so uncomfortable. Like I just don't want to be uncomfortable ever. So I'll do whatever I have to do to not be uncomfortable. Speaker 2 (13:06) I get it. I get it. Okay. So you graduate high school. What do you do after high school? Speaker 1 (13:13) So I, after I, I got into college, but I got wait-listed. I got, I got like offered to come the following year. So I, I, by necessity took a gap year, which was like really not good for me because it was like, I got into a really good school. I. had done all of the things that I like needed to do. And my parents were like, you're awesome. And like the school wouldn't take any classes that I would do during my gap year. So like it was pointless to like try and take classes for no point. So I ended up doing a semester abroad in Florence for three months, which was like. It's absolutely incredible. I had the time of my life and I didn't do a single thing. Like immediately dropped out of my Italian class because it was at 9 a.m. every morning. But like I was just gallivanting. The whole year was ridiculous. Like no person at the age of 17, 18 should be gallivanting around like I was. I mean, I wouldn't change it for a second. But by the end of that year. Like things had caught up to me and I was like, I was in the, I was in the beginning stages of like a very deep depression. Cause I was like just using drugs so much. What Speaker 2 (14:36) kind of drugs were you using? Speaker 1 (14:38) Mainly at this point in the beginning of the year was like, I had gotten a surgery my first, my senior year. I had like ganglion cysts on my wrist, very random. And I didn't like know that you could abuse those medications or like the concept of like getting high off of Oxy or hydrocodone or whatever it was until like someone told me. And then I was like, oh, wow, this is incredible. And then during my gap year, I was prescribed like Klonopin and then I was prescribed Xanax. And it was like, I. I thought that I deserved it because I was anxious all the time and I was like, this is what normal people feel like. Speaker 2 (15:22) But Speaker 1 (15:22) the problem with me was that if I take one, the second I feel the relief from a drug, I want, I'm so terrified that the feeling is going to go away that I think that I need to like immediately take more. And so. And then it just like very quickly, like then I realized I didn't have to be uncomfortable anytime ever. Speaker 2 (15:46) And Speaker 1 (15:46) then, you know, that just obviously snowballed. But it was mainly like anything for all any downer. Like I if in the end it was Oxy and Xanax. And then but it was really like and after I went to rehab the first time, I was like anything I could get my hands on because I couldn't do Oxy anymore. Speaker 2 (16:09) Yeah, I can really relate to whether I was drinking or doing drugs. I was already thinking about the come down Speaker 3 (16:17) immediately. Speaker 2 (16:19) I hadn't even gone all the way up and peaked yet. Oxys were my thing. I hadn't even gotten fully high and I'm already thinking, well, I'm going to come down from this. Oh my God. And I'm already thinking I should start taking more so that I just stay high. And then that vicious cycle just continues and continues. Okay. You're in Italy. You barely make it through the year. You come back to the States. Do you start school immediately or do you take a couple more months? I'm back Speaker 1 (16:49) in the States and like traveling through the summer and then I start the following fall. Speaker 2 (16:57) Where'd you end up going? I Speaker 1 (16:59) went to Harvard. Oh, Speaker 2 (17:00) nice. Look at you. Speaker 1 (17:01) It was a shock to everyone, me included. Not that I didn't have like... you know, things that would get me into Harvard, but I just like never expected to actually go to Harvard. And it was the best thing that I've ever done after I got sober. But when I was there the following year from my gap year and I very much was not sober, I hated it Speaker 4 (17:27) because Speaker 1 (17:28) people aren't partying like I wanted to party when I came to Harvard. And I had like just spent this year doing nothing. Speaker 1 (17:37) everyone being able to party with me because like the people I hung out with were only the people that were able to party. Even though a lot of my friends like were at school already, I found the people that I needed to find to party,