Alcohol Was The Only Thing That Quieted My Anxiety — So I Drank Until I Blacked Out

Rise Above with Kevin Lanning

Zac Spowart shares his harrowing journey from managing severe childhood anxiety with alcohol to a life-altering car accident that nearly par

Key takeaways

• Zac used alcohol as a coping mechanism for paralyzing anxiety starting in his early teens.
• A major car accident while driving under the influence resulted in severe neck injuries to his brother, Danny.

Main topics

• Childhood Anxiety
• Progression of Alcoholism

Notable quotes

The chaos stopped in my head.

Conclusion

A powerful testament to the possibility of recovery through accountabi

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) So I black out and I just remember the car flipping. I remember dirt in my mouth, just like trying to like spit, like what is happening? And just like totally confused. And then the car lands upright. Speaker 1 (0:17) Zach, I want to thank you coming all the way. Do you live in LA? I actually live in Bali. Bali? Yeah. Oh, wow. I'm way off. Holy shit. Speaker 2 (0:25) Were you living in LA? I was living in Orange County. So I got sober in LA. I got sober in Venice Beach. Got it. 19 years ago and changed, like we said. Which is Speaker 1 (0:32) insane, by the way, to the audience. Like 19 years, you were telling me before we started. And I always say this to people with more time than me. Thank you for going in. getting sober and staying because it's people like you who gave me hope who came in after you. So thank you, man. Speaker 2 (0:51) Yeah, I love that. You were Speaker 1 (0:52) 21 when you got sober. Speaker 2 (0:54) 21 when I got sober, man. I'd only been legal drinking for three months. Like a lot of illegal drinking. Speaker 1 (0:59) Wow. Legally Speaker 2 (1:00) drinking for three months before I got in this massive car wreck, which we can get into whenever with my brother and went to jail. It was just disaster. But yeah. Okay. Speaker 1 (1:07) So let's take a huge step back. Take us through early childhood. What that was like. Where did you grow up? Speaker 2 (1:13) So I grew up in Monterey, California. I was born in Cleveland, Ohio, but Monterey was like my hometown. So dad's a surgeon, heart surgeon, like very well to do, science mind. Mom's a artist, you know, creative. They're honestly really sweet. So like you hear these stories and this is like one of my things, like I got my first master's in addiction counseling. I love to tell people it's like you can have the story of like the crazy, like upbringing, whatever that looks like and however you identify with that word crazy. You can also have a story of like. for the most part, a pretty loving home. Like addiction doesn't necessarily like come from one thing. It can come from one thing, but you know, my stories, my folks are actually pretty nice people. Speaker 1 (1:50) Like, Speaker 2 (1:50) you know, they, they, they tried their best. Like they were poor and they were hard. Like they have a story of the FBI breaking in when we were kids and like earthworms coming in through the, through the carpet because the house that they could afford was a former drug dealer. And like they were in cuffs and like. My mom's trying to raise three kids. My dad's working all the time. I mean, just crazy stories. Speaker 1 (2:10) They thought the drug dealers were still living there. And it was your parents who bought the house. And it was like, oh, okay. Sorry, guys. Yeah, yeah. And Speaker 2 (2:17) like, you know, homeless people coming up from the train tracks, knocking on the door asking Speaker 1 (2:20) for help. Speaker 2 (2:20) Looking to cop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Speaker 1 (2:22) And Speaker 2 (2:22) my mom's got like, you know, me and, you know, two other kids and dad's away. Like trying, anyway. So all the same, my folks are good people. Like I'm really grateful for them. My dad grew up like a surfer in Hawaii. He's a Navy brat. My mom, you know, worked a bunch of jobs. Anyway, so they're good people, man. They really did their best for me. And, you know, I'm so grateful for them. Like we just connected and we do these surf trips together sometimes. And they were just surfing out of Maldives, which is so great to see them. They're just like the happiest, sweetest people. But anyway, so I grew up in Monterey. You know, I'm just a bit of like, I guess, a rascal for lack of a better word, man. I just... I always had a lot of energy. My mom told me when I was two years old, I like shook my crib apart. Like I, it's probably a sign of the times. I never wanted to be confined. Right. Like, so I just had a lot of energy. She said, you just run around all the time until you just passed out. Speaker 1 (3:16) Was it three boys? Speaker 2 (3:17) No, a younger boy, older girl. So I have a older sister, younger brother. Speaker 1 (3:22) Okay. You were right in the middle. I'm Speaker 2 (3:23) right in the middle. Yeah. So I was a middle terror. God, God bless her. But yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so a bit of a, bit of a maniac. But yeah, I would just. I guess that just carried through. And like little did I know that I carry so much energy, which people have to drink God knows how many Red Bulls or coffees or whatever to keep up with me. The joke is the Energizer Bunny, but that can be a blessing and a curse. Often our greatest strengths can also be a weakness and vice versa. So I learned later on and pretty quickly that energy, if not utilized effectively, can be completely debilitating. and can knock me out and so at 13 14 15 years old i was getting so sick to my stomach i was throwing up and i just had no idea what was going on i thought oh i have an ulcer or this or i have that and at the end of the day it was it's just anxiety but it took a long time to label yeah Speaker 1 (4:13) and Speaker 2 (4:13) i met this girl it was my first girlfriend that was big on drinking and little did i know that alcohol would be the solution to what was my problem which was just trying to quiet the mind And so obviously fast forward, I get sober, but diving into that story a bit more about what it was like and what happened, like that was it, man. I just was 13, 14, 15, 16 year old kid Speaker 1 (4:35) that's Speaker 2 (4:36) on my way to my girlfriend's house, like throwing up out of my truck or like, you know, trying to go to school and walking through the hallways and puking in the trash can. And just like, what the? Like, you know, I guess we can swear on this. Speaker 1 (4:50) No, Speaker 2 (4:51) we Speaker 1 (4:51) can't. It's that paralyzing anxiety. I used to get that, dude. And you bring up a good point because I do get some comments sometimes. Like, you always have privileged characters on the podcast. Not saying you're a privileged kid, but you had a good upbringing. You had a good upbringing. I also have people who, you know, have these traumatizing events that happen when they're young and it sets off alcoholism and they cross that invisible line. you know, earlier, or they find another vice and then they cross it later in their twenties or thirties. Addiction, alcoholism does not discriminate. Speaker 2 (5:25) It's, I Speaker 1 (5:25) truly and firmly believe that it is a disease. And when you cross that line, however, whenever you discover alcohol, you discovered it. And for me, it was like. I took that breath for the first time. Speaker 2 (5:39) Nailed it. The chaos stopped Speaker 1 (5:40) in my head. Yeah, Speaker 2 (5:42) absolutely. Speaker 1 (5:42) My parents were married. I mean, you know, my parents lost, made a bad investment, lost a lot of their money, and we were struggling for a while. Speaker 2 (5:51) But Speaker 1 (5:51) they were still married, and it was still a loving household. My father still coached my teams. They showed up. They were present. Speaker 2 (5:58) So, Speaker 1 (5:59) like, there were no excuses, and I didn't have any crazy traumatizing events happen. Yep. But it was what was going on inside my head. Speaker 2 (6:06) Nailed it. Speaker 1 (6:06) And it was the low self-esteem. It was the walking down the hall for you. For me, it was in the cafeteria getting my, and then walking past everyone thinking everyone's looking at me. Am I walking Speaker 2 (6:17) funny? Do I Speaker 1 (6:18) look weird? And then trying to fit in. Yeah. Speaker 2 (6:22) Okay. Speaker 1 (6:22) So you discover alcohol. Do you go straight to the races? Speaker 2 (6:26) I mean, yes and no. For me, if you're familiar with the idea of tolerance or for the audience, like essentially you have to. take more to achieve the same desired effect. So if one drink works for you and quiets the mind, then eventually it becomes two drinks, which eventually becomes three drinks. Eventually that becomes eight drinks or full blown, like pop off, like knocking off the plastic so I can just slug it back as quickly as I can and drinking on an empty stomach so I can get that result quickly. Like help is on the way. Oh yeah. Like the burning sensation. Like, thank God. Like I'm going to be able to relax. Not yet, but in a moment. Not yet, but in a moment it's going to come. And just waiting for that five minutes or whatever it took for my body to digest to hit. I'm like, thank God I can calm down. So to answer your question, off to the races, yes and no. Like I'm juggling like a pretty strict family while trying to present a certain way of like. You know, you hear these stories of high functioning alcoholics. I think I was like trying to be that at 16. I was like, how do I go to school and keep a good GPA and apply for schools and show up for a football practice? And, and, and bear in mind, the football coach is right next door to my girlfriend at the time. So I'm like, if I skip practice, he knows. Cause my truck's right there. Speaker 1 (7:36) Anyway, Speaker 2 (7:36) it's kind of funny, but like I would start drinking. Yeah. Just, just to, to calm my mind. And, and that was that, you know, and, and so daily drinking pretty quickly. just to take the edge off or surviving as best I could. And then that rapidly progressed. I mean, I held off through high school, Speaker 1 (7:54) but Speaker 2 (7:55) by the time you get to college, it was like, yeah, I went to Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, if you're familiar with them. Speaker 1 (8:00) Yeah. So you're a smart kid. I'm Speaker 2 (8:02) sure. Speaker 1 (8:03) Thank Speaker 2 (8:03) you. Speaker 1 (8:04) Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah, sure. Thank you. Okay. So, all right. So to go back to high school though, a little bit, you got good grades. Speaker 2 (8:10) Yeah, I did reasonably well. I was raised as like. Go to school, do your work very disciplined. Remember, my dad was a son of a Navy pilot, right? So it was very, very disciplined, like lineage. Like you do your work before anything else. Structured. Exactly. Yeah. Speaker 1 (8:23) So Speaker 2 (8:23) very, very, very structured. And so I operated in that discipline to like the nth degree. But then, of course, like you can't maintain that while drinking, right? And trying to stay out. So I held it together long enough to get into a good college. And then the wheels kind of fell off. Speaker 1 (8:38) Do you think, though? That set something off, the pressure of your household. Oh, for Speaker 2 (8:43) sure. There's always something. Being passed down. Yeah. Speaker 1 (8:45) Yeah. Speaker 2 (8:46) You Speaker 1 (8:46) got to maintain this structure. You have to operate like this. Yeah. I'd be in so much fear that I would get in trouble and then disappoint my parents. And then there comes repercussions from that. Speaker 2 (8:57) Yeah. Speaker 1 (8:58) And it was like, we need to look good from the outside. Whatever happens in the household, it happens. But there was a lot of pressure that were put on. I have two brothers, me and my brothers. Yeah. And I mean, I was the fuck up, you know, but that the kids feel that. One thing I've learned in my own recovery is that you can't do this alone and you don't have to. I know that firsthand. I went through inpatient treatment at Karen Treatment Centers and it changed the course of my life. That's why I am proud to announce that I've partnered with Karen. For nearly 70 years, they've helped people and families not just break free from addiction, but actually heal. and transform their lives. They're in network with all major insurance providers, and same day admission is available. So if you or someone you love is struggling, don't wait. Call Karen at 855-352-0103. That's 855-352-0103. Help starts with taking that first step. Speaker 2 (10:02) Dude, no, thank you for touching on that. Because again, I think I'm a little protective of my parents. I know their hearts and I know their space. And I think we live in a world, I mean, we're, we're, you know, we want to blame a lot on the parents and I'm very big. And I know you are in the time that I've known you about like taking accountability for like myself and my actions. But at the end of the day, you're absolutely right. Like there is a by-product nature nurture, right? 50 % is going to be my, my genetics and what, what my wiring is. The other is going to be what is. my nurture, like how I'm brought up. And so, yeah, there is a lot of anxiety in my family. My dad is a very high functioning, very high performing heart surgeon. My mom is a very like wired, like energetic woman as well. So you take that coupled with Speaker 1 (10:45) like the underlying navel component. Speaker 2 (10:47) Yeah. We, there's no doubt about it. We had a very structured, very sort of, uh, anxious upbringing for sure. And that does add weight and pressure of like, this, this, this. And so I'm glad that you mentioned that too, because other people out there might feel that as well. My Speaker 1 (11:03) mom used to worry a lot. My dad was the one who implemented the structure. My dad was like business, like my Speaker 2 (11:10) mom Speaker 1 (11:11) was a worry ward and Speaker 2 (11:12) the Speaker 1 (11:13) anxiety. Was your mom a worrier? Was she on your ass about a lot of different things? Speaker 2 (11:17) Yeah. I think she's got a little bit of that emotional fluctuation where she can be chill, but then also is going to be super, super nervous about things. And I think it's just trying to juggle so much. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely, definitely a warrior for sure. Okay. Speaker 1 (11:29) So you graduate high school, you go to college. What was your college experience like? Speaker 2 (11:33) Yeah. So that's where the wheels went off, man. I went to Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, which is a dry campus. I went right into the dorms. And so the idea is like, of course you're not supposed to be drinking under 21 anyways, but like in theory, you go to college, it's a little bit more chill. But yeah, I, I just, I, my friends were in the junior college right away. I think I wanted to be connected with them. It was almost like the reverse, like FOMO. Instead of like being FOMO for like being in the four-year college, it's like I had FOMO for being like in the university doing the degree that I didn't really probably even want to do. And so I was spending all my time at my friend's apartment, not really in the dorm, not connecting with people and just like smoking pot. I was smoking a ton of weed and like anything to calm my anxious mind, which ironically made me a lot more paranoid. than than drinking did same yeah it did not calm my nerves at all but i used to like the Speaker 1 (12:24) journey like the anxiety driven journey of like potentially getting caught it was like a mission yeah i liked it it made things more interesting but it like fucking bugged me out yo Speaker 2 (12:34) 100 you're just like looking over your shoulder tweaking out it's it's not everyone knows Speaker 1 (12:38) yeah Speaker 2 (12:39) dude 100 but yeah so i i got to drink in there and like it just again, wheels, wheels fell off. It just was not like sustainable. I got kicked out of the dorms. I was missing classes. I remember my roommate was looking at me like I was a piece of shit. And to be honest, I probably, probably fucking was. I mean, I was a blackout drunk at that point. So you talk about like accelerating, right? Like for me, the only way I could quiet my mind got to a point where it was like a very fine line of right on the edge of blackout. The trouble was, is like that number of shots or drinking or whatever, like. It's like, is it nine? Is it 12? Is it 13? I don't know this night. You know, I'm like beer, bonging, gin and juice to keep up with like a rugby player at one point. Like, I don't know how many drinks I have. I'm busting my chin open, falling over from blackouts. It got bad really, really quick. I was a sloppy, sloppy drunk. And it went from like, I was the life of the party and I was playful and I was funny. And it's like, I was just an asshole. You know what I mean? And I don't know that I ever picked fights, but I was like, I don't know. I get. pushed around of sloppy drunk. So again, in some fights, I'd be a little bit beat up. And it just was like, you think that'd be enough to stop, but it wasn't. So getting caught in school for me, it was like, okay, lick my wounds. Let's just go back to my hometown. I had this idea in my head. I was going to be a firefighter, like try to do something good. I was wanting to try to do something good and, um, went and got my EMT certification and, um, did some things that way, but again, I couldn't hold it together. So I got my first DUI. With my brother. It stopped me any time if I bounce around too much. My story is a bit hectic. I've been to like seven colleges. No, Speaker 1 (14:12) you're good, dude. Go ahead. Speaker 2 (14:14) But so it's slow. The wheels fall off. San Luis Obispo. Kicked out of college. Trying to make it work. Trying to do the appearance thing. It's not possible. It's not sustainable. Like, you know, I just ultimately got to get to a place where it's like, I think that's where my first DUI was. Gosh, I can't even keep track anymore. No, I had a minor in possession. Doesn't matter. Speaker 1 (14:36) Arrested. Yeah, Speaker 2 (14:36) yeah, yeah. I keep getting in trouble. It's just consequences. They say God shows up in the form of police officers. And for me, that's how it was. Like, I really believe, whether you're listening, you believe in God or not. Like, for me, and part of my story and my journey, it was like, I'm very big on this idea of free will for sure. But I'm also very grateful for the interventions of the universe or God to be like, all right, like. you Speaker 1 (14:57) suck Speaker 2 (14:58) with your free will. Like I'm all for you having a cheeseburger and it being a little bit unhealthy, but like you're going way the wrong way. Like I have some plans for you and this is not, you're blowing it. So I felt like I had some very intense roadblocks, which I'm grateful for because I was not getting the message. It was minor possession, loss of license for a year. Then it was a DUI at 20, loss of license in jail for a year. And then the other DUI, which I'll get into with my brother. Probably the crux of my story, I think most people can resonate with, were my brothers living with me at the time. Speaker 1 (15:32) Before you, I want to go right into that story. And we want to hear all the details of it. But before you go into that story, while you're getting in trouble and, you know, kind of bouncing around, trying to figure out what you're going to do, are people around you noticing? Are your parents noticing? I mean, I'm assuming they knew that you got arrested a couple of times. Speaker 2 (15:53) You're Speaker 1 (15:53) in and out of college, this college, that college. Are your friends saying anything? Is your brother or sister saying anything to you? Speaker 2 (15:59) Yeah. Thank you for that redirection. I think, yeah, of course. Right. Like I was losing weight. I was, I was pretty pale. I kind of glossed over, you know, my folks did try to put me in treatment when I was like 16, 17. I glossed over it because it. It didn't really stick because at 16, 17 years old, I'd hardly been drinking. But they came across some bottles in my truck, which at 16, 17 is really hard to get. So if I could get a few bottles together, of course, I'd stockpile them. But yeah, folks came across that. Like, what the hell is this? Like, I'm losing weight. They can see I'm pale. They're seeing I'm not eating a lot. So the best thing they did for me was to put me in treatment. The thing was is I'd hardly been drinking with any regularity for more than like a year. So I didn't, it didn't really take. But yeah, certainly there were people like noticing, certainly people were trying to help me. But this idea of like, I mean, I think I was on like antidepressants. I was even put on like an antipsychotic that really messed me up. Oh my God. I remember being put on this. I was like coming home, just like bawling hysterically. This is why I like, I'm so passionate about the work that I do now, which of course we'll get into more later. But it's like, I'm all for people that need to be on medications for sure. I just got real tired of being the guinea pig of like, oh, take this, take that, take this, take that. What happened? How's it working? I'm like, dude, like, it's not okay. I don't know what's going on in my brain from all these pills, but this is not normal. So yeah, like I like the sober piece, which is clearly where I'm at now. But it's not. Dude, the first year of getting sober, which again, I'm bouncing around. I'll come back to your questions. But the