#139: Why You're Not Changing (Even Though You're Trying)

Ready For Love with Hilary Silver

Hilary Silver explores the psychological phenomenon of being 'stuck' in personal growth despite active efforts like therapy and journaling.

Key takeaways

• Level 1 awareness is characterized by total denial and blaming external factors like partners or bosses for all problems.
• Level 3 awareness involves 'knowing better but not doing better,' where deep psychological insight is mistaken for actual behavioral change.

Main topics

• Levels of self-awareness
• The gap between insight and action

Notable quotes

Insight does not create change.

Conclusion

The episode provides a challenging perspective on self-improvement, em

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) Today we are talking about personal growth. I am going to explain why some people get stuck doing the work, reading the books, doing the therapy, journaling, actively looking for the answers, but can't quite seem to break through to the changes they are seeking. Whether you're in it right now, have been it in the past, or in case you find yourself stuck in the future, what I'm sharing with you today will be super helpful because I've done my own work and I have been witness to countless thousands of people on their growth journey for the last 25 years. So I'm sharing all the reasons why people get stuck and I'm saving the edgiest one for last. So stick around till the end. Speaker 1 (0:39) Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. Speaker 1 (0:45) Before we start, if you've not already done so, please make sure to subscribe to the show on YouTube and on your podcast app. It helps me grow the show and it's free and easy to do. Over the years, I've come to identify three levels of awareness that people who are working on themselves or attempting to work on themselves have. And just understanding this framework will help you self-evaluate anytime you've got a problem. You can ask yourself, what level am I at with this? So level one sounds like this. It's not me. I've done nothing wrong. I'm great. I'm confident. Every problem somehow circles back to how everyone else handled it poorly. A friend was too sensitive. The partner was too demanding. The boss just didn't get her. And when it comes to looking for love, it's the men, the apps, the town she lives in. that is making it so difficult. There's no self-awareness at all, basically. They really don't see how they are contributing to whatever problem they are experiencing. They don't get it. They resist it. They live in denial or have too strong of an ego defense system or whatever it is. It doesn't really matter. But they don't even know what they're missing out on. It's a very limited existence to live with such blinders on. But level one keeps her from seeing that she is the common denominator in her own life. And to these ladies, I say, good luck to you, my dear. And she's probably not even listening to this podcast anyway. But that's not you because you're here with me. So you're already leaps and bounds ahead of the majority of the population. So level two and level three might be you. Level two, these are the women that say to me, it must be me. I can't for the life of me figure out what I'm doing wrong, Hillary, but please tell me what it is. For the love of God, please somebody tell me what I'm doing wrong. This woman is aware of the problem and it's painful enough that finding the solution feels urgent and immediate. And what I love is that she's not defensive or guarded. She's actively seeking answers and wants the help. She's reading every article, taking every quiz, asking every friend for their honest opinion. in. She's looking for the answers, but just hasn't figured it out yet. Hasn't been able to crack the code. I love helping these women so much. And level three, these are the women who say, it's me. It's because my mom or my dad or my childhood. She can tell you exactly why she is struggling, going all the way back to her parents, her trauma, her personality, her attachment style, naming her patterns because she's been working at it for so long, but she is still stuck. This is what I call knowing better, but not doing better. And it's extremely frustrating. The trap at stage three is believing that insight is the change because it's not. Insight does not create change. Understanding why you do the things does not on its own stop you from doing them at all. Healing does that. Tools do that. Repetition does that. Action does that. And accountability in real time does that. Learning the information doesn't create the transformation, and most of the time, Therapy keeps people stuck in the why do I do what I do? How did I get here? It's a morbid curiosity of the past, like rubberneckers who can't stop looking backward at the car accident on the road. Insight and self-knowledge is great. I love having information about myself, but so often the why isn't even a clear picture of what really happened so very long ago because memory is murky and it can all be left to interpretation. It's a nice to have. but not a need to have in order to create change. Let me say that again. Knowing why