Sibling Fights: When to Step In (and When to Stay Out)

Raising Good Humans

Dr. Aliza Pressman provides a practical framework for parents to navigate sibling conflict by distinguishing between normal friction and sit

Key takeaways

• Adopt the 'witness, not judge' mindset to prevent your own sibling baggage from influencing your intervention.
• Use 'sportscaster mode' to observe and validate both children without asking biased questions like 'who started it'.

Main topics

• Sibling conflict management
• Witness vs. Judge framework

Notable quotes

You are the witness, not the judge.

Conclusion

By focusing on emotional coaching and creating shared family rituals,

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) Do you love going deep on travel research? Are you the one that stays up late finding all the best itineraries and sharing them with everyone? I have one of these friends and honestly, I'll go on any trip she tells me to and I can just sit back and relax. I know that sounds uncool, but she really loves doing that. Fora is the modern travel agency designed for people who want to turn their passion for travel planning into a real business. Everything on the platform is built to help you start, grow and scale your own travel business. Plus you get a network of over 5,000 preferred travel partners for VIP perks and earn commission on hotels, cruises and experiences. Become a Fora advisor today at foratravel.com slash humans. That's F-O-R-A travel.com slash humans. And make sure you tell them we sent you. Foratravel.com slash humans. Speaker 1 (0:56) I want to tell you a story which was one of my most satisfying parenting moments of all time. And it's pretty minor sounding, but I was dropping off my sophomore in college, my younger daughter, called me and we chatted for a few minutes because she was across the country. And then she and her sister wanted to FaceTime. They talked for an hour and were laughing and giggling and saying they missed each other and they were not fighting. And they even made jokes about how they get along so well now and why can't they live together? It was so deeply satisfying and I tell you this before we have this conversation about sibling fights, when to step in and when to stay out, not because my kids don't fight because Lord knows, but because this is an inevitability, but it doesn't have to turn into the fear that we have, which is why it makes us so angry, which is that they're going to grow up and loathe each other. And in fact, the joy for me of watching them just be such close friends. was indescribable. So now let's talk about sibling fights. I'm Dr. Aliza Pressman, developmental psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, associate clinical professor at the Icahn School of Medicine, and the host of Raising Good Humans podcast. I am so glad you're here. Speaker 1 (2:33) So today we are talking about sibling fights, when to step in, when to stay out of it. And of course, we're going to talk about why it's so hard, why this sets us off like nothing else. And I'm going to talk to you a little bit about the low stakes practice for life that our kids are getting when they have these sibling fights. And so we want to help them get really good at fighting without over participating. And of course, knowing when it's too much and we have to step in. So there is a lot of research on sibling relationships and promoting positive sibling relationships. And overwhelmingly, we see that kind of emotion coaching your kids through this developmental trajectory, appropriately paying attention to their temperament, their skills, and their development is going to lead to a better long-term relationship, not just with their sibling, but with. people in general. Now, the first thing that you want to do is sort your own head out. And that is true for pretty much everything. We all carry sibling baggage. Even if we didn't have a sibling, we carry the baggage of wondering or longing for, or being really glad that we didn't have a sibling. Though most people who don't have siblings are longing for that. Speaker 1 (3:52) mythical connection. The fairness trap is one of the first things that sets us off because we can all kind of look back and remember a time that it felt so unjust because one sibling was getting more than the other. And that could have been a piece of cake or it could have been a rule that was just a little bit more flexible or it could have been a new dress. That sense that One of you was just treated worse than the other or favored, gets called up. That sense that one of you was more welcome or more popular or more capable or more praised. Those feelings can bring up a lot and you must deal with that baggage before you intervene with your kids or you're going to impose your long history with the concept of siblings on them. You are the witness. not the judge. You are the witness, not the judge. Keep telling yourself that because the minute you become the judge, all of that stuff, that judgment is coming from your history and what sets you off. So that is one way to find out from self-reflection when to step in. So you ask yourself, am I being the witness or the judge? Is this child in danger? So you then, of course, are going to step in. Is there a power imbalance? Then you're going to step in. Are they stuck in a loop? Is there a way to stay out of the conversation if it's equally matched or like everybody's pretty much safe and check in once in a while, everybody okay here? You really need to pay attention to, is this the kind of power dynamic that turns into toxic bullying? It very rarely is, though it does happen. And when that happens, it is on the adults in your children's life to make sure that You snip it because that can be harmful. And in fact, kids who experienced bullying from peers or siblings have much worse outcomes later in life. It's much, much, much more damaging than we realize. On the other side of it. Bullying is very specific to power differences, to repeated vicious and intentional maltreatment of someone. And one of the things that isn't is being a jerk. They're going to be jerks to each other. That's totally fine. One of the things that you can think about is if I do need to intervene, how do I do so as the witness, not the judge? And for that, I highly recommend the sportscaster mode. That's where you are genuinely a sportscaster, a thoughtful, reflective sportscaster who's just observing what's happening because it's easier if you can have two people facing each other and sort of say, here's what I noticed. Here's what happened over here. Did I get that right? And you don't want to ask questions like, who started it? This way you can validate both kids. You can pick neither. There's no winner here. This is about figuring out what they need to come to some kind of an agreement. And if they don't need you because it's just the normal wear and tear and they are physically safe, they're going to, you know, rough and tumble play is fine. But when somebody is going to break something, not, you know. have a light discomfort, that's when you have to intervene. One of the things about intervening without judgment and instead as a witness is that you want to avoid questions like who started it or you keep doing this or here's what's wrong with you. Remember, when you tell a child what's wrong with them instead of what's wrong with a behavior, you are feeding the very habit that we don't want them using with each other, where the anger and the outbursts are now calling into question their worthiness as a person. You're so stupid. No, that behavior wasn't thoughtful. But you're so stupid means globally, I'm saying you are a stupid person. Nobody needs to hear that. It doesn't help siblings. And if the adults in their life are doing that as well, they don't even learn the habit. So that for me is a point of intervention. Like when there's dehumanizing behavior, I really, really like to pop in there and say, hey, let's rephrase that. I don't even. Honestly, they could be screaming and yelling and being so nasty to each other and being physical with each other. But if I hear dehumanizing, I will pause the fight to change the language right then and there because you want to keep wiring and baking into them that the language that they should be using, which is about talking about the actions, not who the person is. And then. There are ways to sort of set up with your kids as they get older, two and up. Under two, you really just need to protect the little one and do so in the best way you can without alienating the older child. Of course, the older child is going to be going through a lot of emotions about having a younger sibling, having people say that baby is so cute, taking more attention away from them. Those are natural things. And also being told, you know, this is your best friend. Don't you love them? And they're thinking. no, I don't. But sometimes I do. So with the older child, to go on a small tangent, the older child, you want to let them know like, you know what? You can be both really angry at your sibling and love them very much. You can not like them today, but love them very much. Those are things that can live in the same person. They're called mixed feelings and they are very normal. And also you have to keep their body safe. And it's my job to make sure their body is safe because they can't protect themselves. So sometimes I'm going to do things like take their body away and hold them. And that's because they just don't have capacity to get away fast enough. So those are the honest kind of conversations you can have so that when you do step in with younger kids and their baby siblings, it doesn't increase the tension. And it's never about one of you is worse than the other or