Episode 415: Raising Conscious Sons and Daughters with Dr. Shefali

Raising Boys & Girls

Dr. Shefali Tsabary joins the Raising Boys & Girls podcast to discuss her books on raising conscious sons and daughters, explaining how digital algorithms exploit distinct neurochemical wiring in boys and girls. She highlights the mental

Key takeaways

• Dr. Shefali Tsabary explains that algorithms exploit boys' dopamine-driven need for novelty through video games, while targeting girls' oxytocin-driven need for approval via likes and selfies.
• Young women face unprecedented pressure to maintain a curated digital persona, leading to widespread anxiety, perfectionism, and a mental health crisis.

Main topics

• Digital algorithms and neurochemical wiring in children
• Perfectionism and mental health crisis among young women

Notable quotes

"The algorithm understands that their brain chemistry and their neurochemical wiring is different."

Conclusion

The episode offers parents a compassionate, neuroscience-informed framework to counteract digital

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:08) Hey friends, welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Sissy Goff. Speaker 3 (0:13) And I'm David Thomas, and we're so glad you've joined us for this conversation. Let's dive in. Speaker 3 (0:24) Dr. Shefali is a clinical psychologist, a New York Times bestselling author, and the founder of the Conscious Parenting Movement, redefining how families understand selfhood, connection, and the inner life of children. She works where psychology meets consciousness, tracing the hidden forces that shape identity, relationships, and the way we inhabit the world. Trained at Columbia University, she has spent decades guiding families to move beyond patterns of control and fear toward presence and authenticity. And you all hang on till the end. Dr. Shefali has done such important work in understanding some of the unique challenges that boys and girls face, and she speaks to those in some really helpful ways, things we can employ as parents in the everyday. Enjoy this conversation with Dr. Shefali. Speaker 2 (1:15) Dr. Shefali, we're so excited to have this conversation. We are such admirers of your work and so grateful for the time. Thank you so much. Of course. Yes, yes. And you have written two separate books, one on raising daughters and one on raising sons. Yes, there they are. Raising Conscious Daughters Speaker 3 (1:35) and Raising Conscious Sons. Yes. Speaker 2 (1:37) Yes, which we're so excited about. And we would love... for you to talk about why it felt like, one, this moment called for two different conversations, and two, what you're seeing in the life of boys and girls right now that concerns you most. Speaker 1 (1:54) Yeah, so parent after parent in my practice was coming to me feeling really hopeless, anxious, overstimulated themselves. and feeling like they had lost influence over their children, alarmed by their kids' anxiety, alarmed by the kids' addiction to technology, and feeling really under-resourced. And so I figured, instead of waiting for legislation to change, instead of waiting for the powers that be, what could I do? in my field to provide that respite, that confidence, that optimism again to parents. So both these books are really a blueprint for parents, strategies, solutions, red flags, what you need to do to raise children in this modern world. Now I divided them into boys and girls because whatever we may think about our children doesn't really matter because the algorithm and culture is exploiting them in very unique ways that we need to realize. So the algorithm understands that their brain chemistry and their neurochemical wiring is different. Now, of course, you may have a girl and find yourself more relating to the boy's book because she's more showing traits in that book. It doesn't matter. Each one's neurochemistry needs to be honored, celebrated, and intervened with in a different way. The algorithm understands, for example, that boys with their testosterone and dopamine, they want novelty and achievement and competence and adventure and risk-taking. And that's why boys are addicted to video games, because the algorithm knows how to tap into that neurochemistry. And for girls who are more wired with estrogen and oxytocin... who discover themselves through relationships, who are so attuned to whether they're liked or not liked and approved and perceived. That's why we have the like button and the emojis and the comment section and the selfies. So we need to understand how our boys and girls are uniquely being so-called attacked, assaulted by technology. And if we don't, we won't be able to create the appropriate intervention. Speaker 3 (4:13) Hmm. That's so good. All right. Let's start in conversation about girls. So girls who look incredibly capable and accomplished on the outside, but underneath are struggling with anxiety, perfectionism and self-doubt. We see so much of that in our practice here. First off, why would you say all the pressure for so many girls and what would you say parents can do differently? Speaker 1 (4:36) Well, you know. For my generation and above, growing up as a girl was pressureful enough, was dismissive of our authenticity enough, was objectifying us for our appearance and our achievement enough. Well, compound that by a thousand now because she, this young girl, this impressionable, vulnerable girl who's so... finds herself through relationships is now put on these virtual platforms where she's given the illusion that she's in relationship with thousands of strangers who are commenting on her. So she feels so assaulted and so compelled to meet these unrealistic standards of this perfectionism that is through the roof with the filters and the edits and the curation and the surgery and the... Botox and all the things that she feels she now needs to do to herself. Plus she has to be a boss babe and the best mother and go to the gym and have a matcha tea and do her Pilates all by noon. So she looks amazing on the outside. She appears like she's competent and crushing it. And she is. But the pressure that she feels on the inside to be this, you know, high standard girl is just. almost exploiting her authentic self and she feels abducted. And that's why we see a mental health crisis in both our kids, boys and girls, but especially