Ask Jay: How Do I Let Go?

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

In this episode of 'On Purpose with Jay Shetty,' listeners share personal stories about difficulty letting go of past relationships marked by emotional pain, betrayal, and one-sided effort. Jay addresses

Key takeaways

• Reciprocation is essential in any meaningful relationship; one-sided effort leads to emotional imbalance and self-doubt.
• Trauma bonding can create a powerful pull toward unhealthy relationships, often rooted in early attachment patterns or fear of loneliness.

Main topics

• Letting go of toxic relationships
• Healing from emotional abuse and trauma bonding

Notable quotes

"Self-abandonment is not love. Self-sacrifice is not love. Losing yourself is not love."

"It's important to ask: Are we choosing each other because of what we had before, or because we're compatible now?"

Conclusion

Jay Shetty emphasizes that true healing comes from self-awareness, setting boundaries, and choosing oneself

Transcript preview

Speaker 4 (0:04) The Speaker 2 (0:05) city moves fast, but your vibe, that's different. Sharper, smoother, more alive. Speaker 4 (0:15) The new Speaker 2 (0:20) Honda City isn't just made to drive, it's made to feel. The new Honda City, all new vibe. Speaker 1 (0:30) Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon. Speaker 1 (0:53) We have all had those moments where our minds are racing from a difficult conversation, reeling from the aftermath of a toxic situation, or just feeling overwhelmed by the weight of the day. In these moments, human connection is what we need, and texting someone or emailing them just doesn't make sense. I get so many of my friends who will say to me, Jay, it's just too much to type. I need to voice note you. Real viewers and listeners are recording voice notes about everyday situations, and I'm listening to each one so we can unpack them together. Thank you so much for calling in. It's good to hear your voice. Today, we're diving into your stories about letting go. Whether it's the person you cannot stop thinking about despite how they treated you, a betrayal you cannot seem to forget, or the closure you never received, we're tackling it all. I've listened to every voice note you sent. And I'm here to help us unpack these situations together. You ready? Speaker 6 (1:55) Hi, Jay. I have an ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me on Valentine's Day this year. And our end of the relationship was pretty bad for me. Seems like not for him. And I was trying to fix this relationship with communication and asking for couple therapy and try to communicate. But the end was pretty bad. We were arguing and fighting a lot. And yeah, he broke up with me and it wasn't a clear cut because sometimes we are still talking, but just when he wants it. Today he's visiting me because it was a long distance relationship and he's still making me hope like bread crumbling. And my question is, how can I overcome this need to be a good girl and to finally choose myself without feeling bad for it? Even though my biggest wish because of trauma bonding is to end up with this person. Also, my head knows it is not the right decision to beg for love. Speaker 1 (2:54) First of all, I'm so sorry that you're going through this breakup. And second of all, being broken up with on any day is terrible. Being broken up with on Valentine's Day or your birthday or an anniversary or Christmas or on the holidays is the worst. It sounds like you invested a lot in this relationship. It sounds like you made time for it. Sounds like you put in a lot of effort. the fact that you were encouraging couples therapy, these are all signs that you really believed in this relationship, that it mattered to you, that it was important to you. And the reason I raise that is because when you're offering things like couple therapy, you're really saying, hey, can we find time to work on us? Can we create a space where this matters? I really believe in what we're building. Can we take some time to actually invest in it together? And of course, from what it sounds like, those... bids for affection, those bids for commitment, those bids for investment were not reciprocated. It sounds like he wasn't someone who wanted to go to couples therapy. It sounds like he wasn't someone who was meeting you where you were trying to meet the relationship. And I think what's fascinating is that this word reciprocation. has just become one of my favorite words in relationships, especially in our primary relationships. So we have secondary and tertiary relationships, whether it be friends, whether it be family members we don't see often. But what's interesting is that... The person you spend your life with is the only primary relationship you actually choose. Your other primary relationship are your parents, if you have any siblings, or the people you grew up around. Those were primary relationships you didn't choose. But the primary relationship you choose in your life is your partner. And if your primary relationship doesn't have reciprocation, doesn't have investment, doesn't have effort in the way that you're bringing into a relationship, that's a sign that you're almost having the relationship for the both of you. You're almost carrying a relationship that requires two people to be in it, but you're carrying all the weight yourself. Think about going to a grocery store and you go shopping with your partner. You pay for it. You buy the eggs, the milk, the bread, whatever else it may be. And then you're on your way back, but you're carrying all the weight. You're the one unpacking it when you get home. You're the one putting it in the refrigerator. You're the one cooking that night. And the other person's there, but they're not helping you carry the weight. The question you really have to ask yourself in this scenario is, is that the type of relationship I want? Is that the kind of experience that I want to have? And a lot of us will tolerate things like that. Maybe we'll say, oh, it's just a short period of time. Or maybe they're going through some stress. Or maybe they're going through a really difficult moment right now. And that's really fair. There are phases like that in relationships where you will carry more of the load and they'll carry more at different times. What I'm hearing from you is different. It's one-sided. That can really mess with our heads. And I just want to acknowledge and express some empathy to you as to how much of a mind bender that is. When you're like, wait a minute, I was the one doing everything right. I was the one trying to maintain this relationship, but you're the one taking it away from me. And that can make us start to question our self-worth. It can make us start to question where we belong. It can make us start to question whether we made a mistake. This episode of On Purpose is presented by Ultra Running. We all benefit from having a little more space, so do our feet. That's why Ultra Running shoes feature ultra fit design, giving toes more room for comfort, balance, and strength. They're perfect for running, walking, or hiking, any pace, any level. They feel right from the first step. Go to ultrarunning.com forward slash on purpose and use code purpose10 for 10 % off. That's A-L-T-R-A running.com forward slash on purpose. Stay out there. Now I want to move on to the second part of what you're reflecting on and what you're thinking about. This idea that he talks to you when he wants to. You call it breadcrumbing, this idea that someone keeps giving you a little breadcrumb along the way to keep you following, right? To keep you engaged. It's almost like you're waiting for their next breadcrumb just to prove to yourself that this person still likes you. But the great thing is you've acknowledged it. You've become aware of it. Do you want to be in a relationship where someone breadcrumbs you, but then disappears when they don't want to engage? Do you want to be in a relationship where someone comes to see you when they're in town, but then you're not sure where you stand with them? These are really powerful questions for you to reflect on because I think the answer will be extremely obvious to you when you take some stillness, you're in solitude, take some time by yourself and actually really check in with your body. Really feel it in your body. What does it feel like to be breadcrumbed? What does it feel like to be ignored? What does it feel like to be devalued? What does it feel like to be deprioritized? When you actually take a moment to not just think about it intellectually, but to feel it physically. Your answer becomes much, much clearer. Now, I know you mentioned that you feel like you have this trauma bond, which makes you feel like you kind of want to be with this person. You still have this desire pulling you towards this person. Now, that can be for a multitude of reasons. It can be because of how we were loved by our parents or unloved by our parents. And now we're seeking that pattern. We're repeating that pattern or repeating the opposite. It could be that some part of you doesn't want to be alone. It could be that some part of you really likes this person, really loves this person, has built up some affection for them. It could be that a part of you loves the role you play in their lives and you don't want to lose that role. And at the very base level, it could just be habit. You've had a habit of this person being in your life. Maybe you text them in the morning, maybe they text you, maybe you call them in the evening, they call you. But what we miss when we start getting nostalgic about all those moments is what you said a bit earlier. You talked about how... It's