Ask Jay: How Do I Forgive?

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

In this episode of 'On Purpose with Jay Shetty,' two listeners share deeply personal stories about forgiveness—one grappling with guilt over

Key takeaways

• Forgiveness doesn't require pretending the pain never happened; it's about moving forward without being weighed down by anger or guilt.
• Effective parenting is defined by love, connection, emotional availability, and managing one's own stress—not legal custody arrangements.

Main topics

• Forgiveness as a personal journey rather than a required step
• Parenting effectiveness beyond legal custody

Notable quotes

Forgiveness is more about you being able to move on than you being okay with what happened.

What makes a difference is showing him warmth, reminding him he's loved, and giving him your full attention when you're together.

Conclusion

True forgiveness—whether toward others or oneself—is not about erasing pain but about reclaiming agency. Healing happens when we

Transcript preview

Speaker 4 (0:04) The Speaker 2 (0:05) city moves fast, but your vibe, that's different. Sharper, smoother, more alive. Speaker 4 (0:15) The new Speaker 2 (0:20) Honda City isn't just made to drive, it's made to feel. The new Honda City, all new vibe. Speaker 3 (0:30) Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon. Speaker 3 (0:53) Today I want to explore forgiveness. We're so often told that forgiving someone is the required next step if we want to heal, or that holding on to anger means we're stuck. But forcing forgiveness before you're ready can leave you feeling even more compromised. Healing does not run on a strict schedule, and moving forward does not mean pretending the hurt never happened. Let's dive in. Speaker 5 (1:20) Two years back, I gave away the custody of my son to my ex-husband on the account of getting mutual divorce because I didn't want to go through a contest. And then I've been waiting quite a long time to get the divorce done, but the custody was never an easy thing. So I did that. And within two years, I have faced numerous challenges to be in touch with him, my son, video call, or even to meet, even to take him home. And I keep wondering because I keep hearing from others that I made a wrong decision of giving away the custody. However, I decided not only on one part of how the life would be with me or with my ex-husband and decided Speaker 7 (1:57) to give away the custody. Speaker 5 (1:58) Now I sit with, am I a good mother? My question is, did I do right? Is it okay not to feel bad about it? Society makes me feel, but I don't feel it. Is it okay to not feel the feeling of mother and looking towards my new life? It's just these thoughts keep beating me and then... I don't know when I get these questions. I don't get any answers. Speaker 3 (2:22) What a genuinely difficult thing to be sitting with. And thank you for trusting me with it. I've never been through a divorce and I've never had to make a decision about custody. But I do not need to have experienced those things to know that they're amongst the most complicated situations a person can face, especially when I've coached people through them. It's an understatement to say there is no definitive right way to handle either of them. And I'm so sorry you've been judged so harshly. Now you asked me three direct questions. Am I a good mother? Did I do the right thing? And is it okay not to feel bad about it? I honestly can't answer the first two, and I would be suspicious of anyone who claimed they could. There's no settled definition of what makes a good mother or a single standard for having done something right. But there is research on what makes an effective parent, and I think you'll find it reassuring. A psychologist named Robert Epstein tested several recommended parenting practices against each other to see which ones predicted not just a strong bond between parent and child, but also whether the child grew up happy and healthy. The practice that ranked number one was love and affection. This includes supporting your child, accepting them, being physically affectionate, and spending quality one-on-one time together. Two of the next three top practices did not even directly involve the child. Managing your own stress and maintaining a workable relationship with the other parent. Notice that legal custody is not anywhere on that list. It does not name how many nights your child sleeps under your roof or whose address appears on the paperwork. Everything on that list describes what happens between you and your child when you are actually together. not the administrative circumstances that dictate when that takes place. Which makes me ask, what is your relationship with your son like? When you FaceTime, are you bonding, chatting, laughing and connecting? The answers to those questions tell you what the relationship truly is, regardless of how it looks to outsiders. Speaking of how things look, there's a study that fits with the situation perfectly. researcher Sarah Dijon and her colleagues conducted a study where participants were each given a story about a single parent. Every detail of the stories were identical, except some participants were told the parent was a father, while others were told the parent was a mother. When people believed they were reading about a mother, they rated her as less responsible, less moral, less reputable, and less of a good parent than the identical father. Now to address your third question, is it okay not to feel bad about it? First, I'm sorry you feel you even have to ask whether your feelings are valid. But since you asked, let me pose a question back to you. What is it you think you should feel bad about? Is it the stigma around your arrangement, like the double standard in that study I just mentioned? Or do you feel that what you have with your son is missing something? If the stigma is what is driving that doubt, You do not owe anyone an apology. Your custody status on its own is not a moral failing. Even if your concern goes deeper than public perception, guilt will not make you any more or less of the mum your son needs. What makes a difference is showing him warmth, reminding him he's loved, and giving him your full attention when you're together. That counts whether you see him for an hour, a weekend, or every single day. And don't forget that reset from earlier. that a parent maintaining their own well-being matters almost as much as looking after their child. Taking care of yourself is not a side quest in parenting. It is a core part of the mission. It's natural after such a big decision that your mind is spiraling, that these thoughts keep repeating in your mind, that you keep questioning whether you did the right thing. That actually shows that you care. It actually shows that you're present. It actually shows you're human. Sometimes we're upset with feeling painful things or asking difficult questions of ourselves. But actually, those are the two reasons that prove we're human, that prove we care, that prove that something matters. And so the sign of these questions or the sign of you questioning yourself is not unhealthy. It's not wrong. It's actually helpful. It's your brain and your mind making sure of how you feel. It's helping you find new pathways, new opportunities, and new ideas that can lead to this new part of your life. I want you to recognize that you can fully show your son love despite the current setup. You can be an extremely present parent despite this choice. You can be an extremely fulfilled person in your own life, even in this situation. Thank you again for sharing your story with me. I hope you and your son are able to navigate the logistical complexities of divorce with love, trust, and warmth. This episode of On Purpose is presented by Ultra Running. We all benefit from having a little more space, so do our feet. That's why Ultra Running shoes feature ultra-fit design, giving toes more room for comfort, balance, and strength. They're perfect for running, walking, or hiking, any pace, any level. They feel right from the first step. Go to ultrarunning.com forward slash on purpose and use code purpose10 for 10 % off. That's A-L-T-R-A running dot com forward slash on purpose. Stay out there. Speaker 6 (8:15) Hi, Jay. I'm struggling with a deep layer of guilt around my dad who died about two and a half years ago. My coping mechanism has been to try to maintain control, which causes me to push people away. Years ago, during my parents' divorce, I took my mom's side and treated my dad pretty poorly. He was a great father. He died unexpectedly, leaving me with massive guilt. My ex was my partner during the time I became deeply judgmental of him. And then after my dad died, I couldn't show up as my best self. And we broke up about a year and a half ago. Speaker 7 (8:49) We've Speaker 6 (8:49) reconnected recently and I