Why Do We Self-Sabotage? EFT, Nervous System Safety & Trauma Responses with Carol Look

Notes from the Edge

In this episode of Notes from the Edge, psychotherapist and EFT pioneer Carol Look explores the root causes of self-sabotage, revealing that

Key takeaways

Self-sabotaging behaviors often served as protective strategies in the past, even if they now hinder growth.
The nervous system prioritizes safety over success; without felt safety, people will unconsciously sabotage progress.

Main topics

Self-sabotage as a survival mechanism
Nervous system safety and trauma responses

Notable quotes

"What if the behavior you're trying hardest to get rid of was once the very thing that helped you survive?"

"Addictions work. They anesthetize your feelings or keep you hidden—so ask what they're protecting you from."

Conclusion

Carol Look's message is one of radical self-compassion: by understanding that our self-sabotaging

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) Phoenix has bizarre crime. The canals of Phoenix, Arizona are hunted by a serial killer. People are like, well, are we safe? These are sexual savers. Two grisly homicides. I know I didn't kill anyone. But solving these murders is just the beginning. That can't be his first rodeo. This is season six of American Nightmares, The Canal Murders. Coming soon, wherever you get your podcasts. Speaker 1 (0:33) Welcome to Notes from the Edge, where we have the conversations we should have been having all along. We talk about the things that we're not talking about. I'm your host, Lisa Lacey, writer, trauma educator, executive advisor, and author of the upcoming memoir, Notes from a Certified Madwoman. Welcome to the Edge. Speaker 1 (1:03) Hey, hey, my friends, welcome back to another episode of Notes from the Edge. I am your host, Lisa Lacey, and this is the place we have the conversations we should have been having all along. Guess what? You ain't talking about it, but we're gonna. And today's special guest is Karen. Carol Look, who is a psychotherapist, founding EFT master, internationally recognized workshop leader, and best-selling author of The Yes Code. We like the word yes in here. And yes. Thank you. With more than 30 years of clinical experience and over 25 years teaching EFT, boy, that was before anybody ever heard of it. Carol helps people identify and release the emotional barriers underlying self-sabotage, fear of failure, fear of success, anxiety, stress, grief, addiction, trauma, all of it. Speaker 1 (1:53) She has laser-like focus, clarity, humor. We like to laugh in here. It is medicine. She combines traditional psychotherapy with advanced applications of EFT tapping, and her work helps clients understand why they're stuck. Guys, if you're stuck, we're going to talk about how to reach out to Carol. Her work has been featured through global summits, podcasts, documentaries, workshops, and professional conferences around the world. Carol, welcome to Notes from the Edge. How are you today, my friend? I love Notes from the Edge, Lisa. Glad to be here. Thank you. Oh, I'm so happy you're here too. And I love the two books behind you because they say the word yes. And we talk a lot in here about soul yeses and hard no's. But the title of our episode today is The Problem Was Once the Solution. And that's such a powerful idea. Speaker 1 (2:41) So when we are stuck, whether it's an addiction or procrastination or chronic people pleasing or self-sabotaging, boy, I was the queen of self-sabotaging and opportunity. What is that behavior actually protecting people from? We're just going to dive right into it. Well, that's the key, Lisa, is that is protecting us and we need to have some compassion for ourselves. So if someone's 25 pounds overweight or addicted or procrastinating. Don't be mad at yourself and criticize yourself. Back up and say, huh, what's the upside? What am I doing? What is it protecting us from? Now, many times people will say, I don't like the visibility or I don't want to feel deep feelings, right, with any addiction. I was running from my emotions for 20 years in a bottle. But, Carol, I'll tell you, once I turned and faced them, I was like, whoa, this is not that bad, guys. Speaker 1 (3:36) It's not that bad. And it's worth it once you get through the hard parts, you know? Well, what I say to people is addictions work. Okay. So again, stop getting mad at yourself. Food, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, it works to anesthetize your feelings or keep you hidden, whatever it is that you're trying to run from. So you just ask the questions like, what could be a downside of being visible and being out there? Speaker 1 (4:02) Right. And being successful. What's a downside? Be like, oh, oh, because last time I was out there, oh, I got in trouble or I got hurt or somebody said something. No wonder I'm procrastinating and not, you know, launching Substack or not launching my website or something. No wonder. But if you but I was never asked the questions. I was never asked, what's the upside of staying stuck? Because people say, don't be silly. There's no upside. Well, of course, there's an upside or you wouldn't be doing it. Speaker 1 (4:28) You're getting something out of it. You're getting something out of it. So we have to ask the right questions and say, you are protecting yourself with sabotage behavior. Just find out what it is. Then you can treat the real problem. Yeah. So ask better questions. Have compassion for yourself. Forgive yourself. Let yourself off the hook. Stop beating yourself up. And then ask the why question. See, we love the word why in here too. We don't ask enough of the why. We ask the what's wrong with you? What's wrong with me? But we don't ask, wait a minute. Speaker 1 (4:56) Wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why am I doing this? You know, and it's it's hard at first because it does, Carol, require brutal honesty and accountability and responsibility. Right. Yes, it does. You can't hide behind the questions that then and then. Well, once you know, you can't you can't unsee what you see, guys. I'm behind behind the behavior. So it can be challenging, absolutely, to say, wait a minute. What do you mean? There's a downside to my success. I keep. going to workshops trying to be successful. I keep reading books trying to be successful. I keep trying to change my marketing program. Yeah, but if you're in your own way, there's a reason you're in your own way. So take a look at it, ask the questions, and then you can go towards the right solution. Everybody's trying to fix the wrong thing. We're looking in the wrong direction. You understand. We're all trying. Speaker 1 (5:53) It's the wrong thing. I get it. Well, you talk about we're wired for safety. And we always talk in here about safety being foundational for us. So talk to me about being wired for safety, not success. Because, you know, I had success. I had the six-figure income. I had the house, the cars, the toys, the family, the whatever, the things. And people thought I looked successful, but I was so miserable. behind the scenes. I was unraveling slowly into a full mental collapse, actually. So why is safety so much more important than success? And with foundational safety, better success can follow. But talk to us about safety as a foundation. So everybody wants success and they skip over their nervous system and the reaction that our nervous system has. So Speaker 1 (6:46) The nervous system wins, everybody. If you're human or an animal, the nervous system wins every time. So people keep chasing success and they're not asking the questions again, which might mean, well, does your nervous system have a problem with being visible and successful? Are you sabotaging yourself because you're worried something bad will happen this time like it happened last time? So if you don't feel safe in the next level, up-leveling anywhere, relationships, money, work. If you don't feel safe, you will move heaven and earth to pull back. And that's what people don't get. They'll say, what am I doing? I don't understand my behavior. How could I get in my own way? Why would I do that? Because safety comes first. Someone asked me in a podcast, can't we be wired for joy? Sure. After, if it feels safe to feel joyful, why aren't we? Yeah. That's Speaker 1 (7:39) Carry it first. If you're used to the others, you drop in all the time. Peace. Oh, peace was like in early sobriety. It was boring. It was boring. I was like, what is this downtime? What is the quiet with myself? I don't know if I like my own company. There's a lot going on in here. Yeah. Now I dig myself. I love my own company. I love my long time. But Carol, there was a time where I couldn't even be alone. Yes. You're speaking to millions and millions and millions of people who can't be alone.