The Longest Distance: Men’s Mental Health, Male Loneliness & Emotional Healing with Daniel Sterling

Notes from the Edge - Lisa Lacy

In this episode of Notes from the Edge, host Lisa Lacey interviews Daniel Sterling, a memoirist and speaker whose work centers on male mental health, emotional healing, and the impact of performance-driven

Key takeaways

• Men often use achievement and performance to compensate for unmet emotional needs from childhood.
• Midlife crises can be catalysts for profound self-reflection and transformation when approached with vulnerability.

Main topics

• Male emotional suppression and loneliness
• The impact of childhood neglect on adult behavior

Notable quotes

"What happens when a man spends his life chasing achievement... only to discover what was really important was the few inches between his head and his heart."

"The only thing people listen to is pain. And that's what it took for me to just be desperate and broken and discouraged that I began to look around and say, there's got to be a better way."

Conclusion

Daniel Sterling's journey from high-achieving isolation to emotional authenticity underscores the

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:03) Welcome to Notes from the Edge, where we have the conversations we should have been having all along. We talk about the things that we're not talking about. I'm your host, Lisa Lacey, writer, trauma educator, executive advisor, and author of the upcoming memoir, Notes from a Certified Madwoman. Welcome to the Edge. Speaker 1 (0:34) Hey friends, welcome to another episode of Notes from the Edge. I am your host, Lisa Lacey, and this is the place where we have the conversations we should have been having all along. Guess what? You're probably not talking about it, but we're going to talk about it today. And today's guest is Daniel Sterling. And what happens when a man spends his life chasing achievement, recognition, the next version of success? only to discover what was really important was the few inches between his head and his heart. Today's guest is a writer, memoirist, speaker whose work explores relationships, communication, male isolation. We want to dig into that and what it takes to raise boys into emotionally whole men. Daniel grew up in the early years in the wild west of Aspen, Colorado, where risk became second nature. He pursued success through professional alpine ski racing, reaching the top 10 in the U.S. before moving into television news, broadcasting, screenwriting, and filmmaking. But the recognition he believed would bring fulfillment. ultimately left him disillusioned and searching for something he could not yet name. And it looks like we lost Daniel. So I'm going to finish telling you about Daniel while he comes back into the studio. Okay, friends. After emotionally cratering in midlife, I love this, that men crater too in midlife, Daniel crossed paths with a remarkable mentor who introduced him to self-study, personal accountability. and a more examined way of living. That relationship helped him confront destructive patterns and reconsider ideas. His first book is Hungry, a memoir of self-discovery, furthering of a soul, and evolution of spirit. It's candid, it's humorous, and we are going to wait for Daniel to come back into the studio. Let me see what happened. Speaker 2 (2:57) Hello. Speaker 1 (2:58) You missed your whole awesome bio. Speaker 2 (3:03) That was an awesome entry, preamble, an intro. Thank you. Speaker 1 (3:09) Welcome back. We Speaker 2 (3:11) went Speaker 1 (3:13) ahead and told a little bit more about you, but we're at the part where we're highlighting your book. And I want to make sure we do because hungry and memoir of self-discovery, furthering of the soul and the evolution of the spirit. And I think that's the journey we all need to be on. So welcome back. Two notes from the edge. Daniel, how are you doing today, my friend? Speaker 2 (3:34) Very well, Lisa. Thank you so much for having me on. Excited to talk to you. Speaker 1 (3:38) Yeah, I'm excited for this convo. I think it's much needed. So you have said that at eight years old, you found what you called a chemical surrogate for affection. So what does that mean and how did that shape you into adulthood? Speaker 2 (3:58) So, yes, I was eight when I won my first ski race and I was flooded with all these good chemicals. And I was like, oh, this is good. So. I was Speaker 2 (4:13) From that point forward, because I ski raced another 16 years, I was so determined to win and feel that again. And really what I was looking for was recognition and accolades, but really to be seen. Speaker 1 (4:33) And Speaker 2 (4:34) because, I mean, don't get me wrong, my parents gave me a lot of really good things, but there was... Pretty much a free for all in our house, five kids, two cousins living with us. And so I was one of the youngest, too. So I was largely unseen. And I had to be a quiet kid because I had an older brother who just terrorized me. And any time I spoke up, I gave him an excuse to go after me. So I withdrew. And so I'm. I'm looking around for a substitute for the love in my home that had gone missing, sadly, sadly. So I became a very driven, determined, edgy kid and grew into the same version of that as a man. Speaker 1 (5:31) Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting, Daniel. I did the same thing with performance. I was a competitive dancer and an actor from the time I was five. And that was my escape. And that's where I found the applause. And it was never enough, though, for my family. It was never enough, no matter what I achieved. And I did that well into adulthood until I hit. a total mental collapse. So, but that's a story for another day. So you became, you became, you used that drive to become a top Alpine ski racer in the country and later pursued broadcasting, filmmaking, public visibility. When did healthy ambition become the performance that you felt like you had to maintain? And that became a chore for you. Speaker 2 (6:25) Well. Speaker 2 (6:28) Let me just say that I didn't, I don't, looking back, I don't consider any of my ambition to be healthy because I was fixated and so emotionally invested in these positions in the world that Speaker 2 (6:49) I was so... out of balance and so misguided Speaker 1 (6:55) that Speaker 2 (6:56) none of it was healthy. But I will say that I wouldn't change any of it. I don't believe in regrets, number one. But I also know that I had to go through all of it. I had to live it and suffer with it, honestly, because that's what I did until I was 39. And that's when I was writing screenplays. five screenplays later i pretty much bottomed out you talking about You talk about emotional cratering. That's what I did. And that's when I met this mentor. And she began to talk to me and slowly began to reframe my entire life in the best way possible. But I look at those first 30 minutes. Speaker 2 (7:47) Hey. A necessary preamble for where I... Because I, as she used to say, the only thing people listen to is pain. And that's what it took for me to just be desperate and broken and discouraged that I began to look around and say, there's got to be a better way, a better way to live. And there's got to be more to life than this. And a better way to Speaker 1 (8:18) feel, right? Yes. Speaker 2 (8:21) Oh, yeah. Speaker 1 (8:22) Yeah, a better way to feel about yourself. Yeah, Speaker 2 (8:25) absolutely. Because Speaker 1 (8:27) eventually, so I find it so fascinating because you describe this emotionally cratering in midlife right before you got your mentor. And I love that because I am going through menopause right now and it's the biggest neurobiological transition. the woman goes through in her life. We don't talk about it enough. And it has transitioned everything, my boundaries. I mean, it changed me on a cellular level. And I think it's important to know that men go through a version of that too, at times. So talk to us about the collapse and how she didn't come into your life by accident. That was serendipitous. at the least. So talk to us about the collapse and then how she appeared for you. Speaker 2 (9:25) So I am convinced that there is some higher power that's been looking out for me, honestly, because the way I met her was all these moving parts. Speaker 2 (9:38) I was living in Southern California and the final straw there, I mean, I was. broke behind on rent actually and couldn't get a job at blockbuster video of all places Speaker 1 (9:51) because i Speaker 2 (9:52) thought well learn about movies i watched a lot of movies on all my screen right so i ended up going to tahoe and working with a friend siding a house he was a i was a carpenter he was too so I went to one day of a writer's conference and met this woman and we sort of fell into bed and fell into a working relationship. She was a