Dwarves: Ortnit Wit

Myths and Legends

The episode recounts the tragic legend of Ortnit, a hero endowed with superhuman strength and magical dwarven equipment who ultimately fails

Key takeaways

• Ortnit is revealed to be the biological son of the dwarf Albrecht during a magical encounter under a linden tree.
• The hero receives legendary gear, including the sword 'Rose,' which can cut through any mail.

Main topics

• The Legend of Ortnit
• Dwarven lineage and magic

Notable quotes

If you're nothing without the invincible suit of armor from your dwarf dad, you shouldn't have it.

Conclusion

A cautionary tale about how even the most powerful heroes can fall if

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) Quick disclaimer, there's a very brief Speaker 1 (0:02) mention of sexual assault on today's episode. Please see the post on mythpodcast.com for Speaker 2 (0:06) more info. This time on Myths and Legends, it's the story of the legendary hero Orknet and his deal with the dwarves. We'll see the virtues of tackling children on a nice walk, because you're the hero, and how you might think dating is difficult, but you probably haven't had to engineer an 18-month siege to do so. The creature this time is not Bowser. but is the most Bowser-like monster I've ever talked about on this podcast. This is Myths and Legends, episode 444, Fortnitwit. Speaker 2 (0:48) This is a podcast where we tell stories from mythology and folklore. Some are incredibly popular tales you might think you know, but with surprising origins. And others are stories that might be new to you, but are definitely worth a listen. We told the story of Dietrich of Bern and the Dwarf Loren back in episode 292, Dwarf Fortress. And I offhandedly ended the episode with, hey, if you want to hear more about this guy, let me know. I've actually received kind of a lot of requests for more of those stories. That led to me diving into the legends and discovering this rich tapestry of just the weirdest guys. We'll get back to Dietrich of Bern, but the story doesn't start with him. It starts with his grandfather, Wolf Dietrich. Wolf Dietrich's story ties into another one, which, even though it's one of the first stories we've told on this podcast, and to call the quality iffy is an insult to iffy things everywhere, it does remain one of the most popular stories on here. The Saga of the Volsungs, or the Nibelungenleid. That story helped to inspire parts of Lord of the Rings. Anyway, today we're not telling the story of Dietrich of Bern or even Wolf Dietrich, but we're going even farther back to a world of dwarves, giants, and heroes. We're actually going all the way back to creation, but not the first creation, a patch that was applied in the early Middle Ages to help all of us humans out. Speaker 2 (2:25) So, creation's going well, one angel said to the other. The other looked up from his desk. Was that for real? Okay, maybe it was the fourth century. Going well is a very relative term. Is it going well compared to the third century where the world was in crisis? Maybe. But whole kingdoms and empires are being annihilated. There's chaos everywhere. Invading armies of hungry people pushed to the fringes for too long are coming for blood. And I've seen the trailer for this thing coming up with the working title of The Dark Ages, which doesn't sound great. It wasn't for real, it was rhetorical, the other angel said. People are in need, and we've decided to throw in a couple more creations to help them out. The folder hit the desk and slid. The working angel flipped it open. Dwarves? He felt a little uncomfortable. That's not an okay term, actually. If your supervisor was referring to people of short stature, they exist. They're not a new creation. They're people. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. It's not. These are totally different. These are supernatural beings we're going to make. We're going to start out in the Germanic regions, but then who knows? Maybe we'll go wide with them. Okay, they look really cool. Muscles, long hair, beards. I realize it kind of describes a lot of people in Europe at this time, but how are they going to Speaker 1 (3:51) help Speaker 2 (3:51) people? The angel said as he mulled over the folder. Oh, well, some of us noticed that humans were relieving a lot of God's gifts in the ground. The supervisor angel laughed. So we're going to make these to find them and mine them out. Oh, gifts like medicine and education and empathy? The angel at the desk asked. The other angel laughed. Good one. No. Gold, silver, jewels, magic stones, and rings? How are those going to help people? How do you think people are going to pay for medicine, education, and empathy? The supervisor angel asked. I just think that maybe the gold and jewels will end up in the hands of the people who are already hoarding all the money and power, and we'll be right back where we started. The angel at the desk said. And I just think that you should do your job, the supervisor angel stated. Just get started on those dwarves. Thanks. A few months later, supervisor angel returned. Well, assistant supervisor angel was wrong. The rich didn't get richer. Well, they did, but not because of the dwarves. Because the dwarves kept dying to monsters and robbers. Why are there monsters? Assistant supervisor angel asked. but that wasn't why the other had come to him. We need something to protect the dwarves as they mine. We're thinking the opposite. Instead of smaller and smart, we're thinking big and, well, let's just say, incurious. Giants. You're going to make some giants now. The angel at the desk could see where this was going, but it was not like speaking up would help anyway. A few months after that, the beleaguered supervisor angel, now on probation, returned. His suit was wrinkly and his eyes were ringed. Okay, so giants were not the panacea they all thought. Oh? The angel looked up. The giants turned on the dwarves almost immediately, killing even more of them than the monsters and the thieves and taking the money. The dwarves dug too greedily and too deep and awakened more monsters. It's a whole mess. We need to make heroes. The supervisor forced a smile and made jazz hands. We already have those? The angel at the desk said. I'm talking like brave people who put their lives on the line for the greater good, to protect people in need and fight for justice and peace, the angel said, putting his fist to his chest and standing up tall, looking up to the drop ceiling. Yeah, well, setting aside the paradox of fighting for peace, the humans have those. I mean, think about it. Hercules, Achilles, Odysseus. I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with those names, the supervisor angel said. Hercules, is that the guy who killed his family, killed his music teacher for criticizing him, slaughtered the royal family of Troy and set up a blood feud, and fired poison arrows into a crowd of centaurs? Achilles, is he the one who powdered out war and not only withdrew, leaving his fellow soldiers to die, but had his mom convince the gods to withdraw their support so they would miss him? Oh, and when he killed his counterpart among the Trojans, he desecrated the corpse by dragging it behind his chariot? Odysseus, was he the one to engineer the greatest deception in the history of war, a double whammy of profaning religious rights and gift-giving? Chuck the son of Hector, an infant from the walls of Troy, let his men raid villages on the way home, shouted out to Polyphemus and doomed his crew out of pure ego, cheated on his wife with Circe and, oh, sorry, you yawned, am I boring you? Yes, the angel at the desk said. This is obviously just performative at this point. What sort of hero do you want? The supervisor angel said that they needed a European knight hero. Someone who would always do what was right. Who would honor God and wear shining armor and stuff. You've seen people, right? The angel at the desk said. But sure, he could make this European hero paladin-like thing. He didn't think it would end the way they thought, though. And all that... The creation of the dwarves because we were leaving too much gold and too many magic stones and rings in the ground, the creation of the giants to protect the dwarves, and the creation of European knights to fight the giants who immediately betrayed the dwarves is an odd little intro to today's story. And actually, most people in books that discuss this intro say that it's surprising and out of place to start a discussion of heroes that they took quite seriously with an account of the Christian god. creating dwarves and giants in early medieval Europe. Anyway, one of those heroes that rose after this... whatever this was, was Orknet. Speaker 2 (8:44) Ortonet was the king of Lombardy in modern-day Italy. He was such a hero that he had the strength of 12 men. Everyone feared him and submitted to his rule, which is a little weird given all that heroic godly stuff we just talked about. The church itself served him. The knights and barons served him. And this was a massive problem. Because if all those powerful dads in your land grovel at your feet, whose daughter won't shame your lineage? So, long-time listeners of this podcast will know that I'm not really a fan of the Crusades or religious violence. Hopefully that's not controversial. Anyway, this story is kind of set during the Crusades, which, broadly speaking, were a series of military campaigns set over the course of about 200 years, proclaimed by the papacy to retake the Holy Land for Christians from Muslims. And I don't mean to paint with too broad of a brush here. Because it isn't simply a story of one side good, other side bad in this story. One of Ortonet's liegemen was a man of Islamic faith, and the story is actually pretty cool about the whole thing, given the man's equal standing in Ortonet's court. That man's clout was on the rise, though, after he told Ortonet about her. Turned out that the king of a city in Syria had an attractive daughter. She checked a lot of boxes. A king that wouldn't submit to Ortonet? I mean... by virtue of where he was in the world, check. Dangerous quest? The walls of the city were adorned with pikes, holding the heads of the 72 men who had already asked for her hand in marriage. Oh, that's a check. Unassailable moral righteousness? Aside from the, once again, us-versus-them religious violence, which I'm not counting, but Orton definitely did, there's also the fact that the dad, the king, King Mackerel, was keeping his daughter unmarried, for himself. When his wife died, he would have a much younger, absolutely stomach-turning replacement in his beautiful daughter. So, check. As such, Ortnick called in some favors. And by favors, I mean mandatory military service, as pledged by his barons, and 50,000 men who would sail for Syria in, like, three months. Yeah. He learned about the daughter at the end of autumn, and Even though the winter temperature in Syria doesn't usually get below freezing as far as I can tell, he still had to get everyone there. So it will be a long, cold, lonely winter. He didn't last three weeks until he was crawling the walls. Ornette didn't have a picture of the princess and no description to go off of other than the most beautiful woman he could imagine. And he apparently had a very active imagination. He needed some side quests, and he needed them yesterday. Mom! Ornette yelled to his mom. Yes, really? Mom, do we have any adventure? I really need some adventure. Ornette's mom stepped from the other room. Really? They had a big adventure coming up. He couldn't wait. All these nice people were literally slaving away to get it ready. I want adventure now! His mother closed her eyes and exhaled sharply. If you have too much adventure now, you'll lose your appetite for big adventure later. Can't I just have a little now, and then I'll still be hungry for adventure when the big one comes? Life is full of small compromises, and parenting is no different. The queen mother slipped a small golden ring from her finger with a tiny green gem and said, It's a little over a day's ride from here. She pressed the ring into Ortonet's hand. Waving for him to put it on, no matter what happened, he was not to ever sell or give away that ring. The road leads south from town. He needed to ride along through the fields for most of the day, stopping to camp at a ruined wall. And he should ride with that wall to his left in the morning, until he found the tree. A tree? Not a tree, the tree, she said. It's a linden tree, and it's big enough to shadow the whole of the valley. growing in height to approach even the mountain it eventually brushes up against. Under that tree, you'll find your adventure. The manuscript tells us that everyone was so mad they couldn't ride with their king to see a tree because he insisted on going alone, which they all wanted to have written down that that was a huge bummer. Oh man, they really, really wanted to go. Speaker 2 (13:32) We'll see what adventure Ortonet finds under that tree, but that will be right after this. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you could wake up tomorrow and be better at one thing, what would it be? For me, one of them, and it's not a big one, but it is something, keeping plants alive. Carissa and our son got me this beautiful little bonsai tree for Christmas last year, and I watched it die like the monster that I am. Not for lack of trying to keep it alive, not kill it. I feel like keeping plants alive is like this keystone habit that would help me out in all other areas of my life. But alas, now I'm just left with this really nice bonsai tree pot for when I decide to kill again. Better is a feeling defined by you. And for better help, it's a better help therapist who really gets you. It's a focus on global emotional well-being with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over 100 countries. It's progress. And it's... Getting better at keeping plants alive. For my sake and for theirs. Sign up and get 10 % off at betterhelp.com slash myths. That's betterhelp.com slash myths. The day before this episode comes out is the first day of fall. That means there's a wonderful chill in the air, leaves are falling, and we're ready for heartier, warmer meals. I just like to think about all the stews, roasts, hearty pasta dishes that I'm never gonna make. Never once. It's too much planning. Anything beyond my one shopping trip a week feels like the odyssey, and stuff just seems to go bad if I forget about it, which I often do. That's why Home Chef is so nice. No planning, just tapping on your phone, something all of us already do way too much of, to choose recipes. No shopping because it's delivered right to your door. The recipes are easy to follow, and they even make cleanup effortless. They have all sorts of meals for all sorts of schedules. Short on time, they have 30-minute meals, oven-ready trays, and microwave options. Doing the GLP-1 thing, they have fiber and protein-packed options. We tried out Home Chef, and it was quite honestly the best recipe service we've ever used. They took the whole concept