MBMBaM 834: You Ain't Never Ate an Egg Like Me

My Brother, My Brother And Me

The McElroy brothers transition to a 'Talk Men' theme, diving into listener questions about race car drivers urinating and defecating in their suits during long

Key takeaways

• Travis explains that race car drivers sometimes urinate or defecate in their suits during races due to G-force, weight restrictions on windshield wipers, and the inability to stop for bathroom breaks.
• Justin advises a listener who inevitably beats kids at chess to intentionally lose games to avoid causing emotional distress, comparing the dynamic to the film Searching for Bobby Fischer.

Main topics

• Race car driver bodily functions
• Chess strategy with children

Notable quotes

If you are in a race and you shit your pants, you have got to win the race.

Conclusion

The episode balances absurd listener advice with lighthearted banter,

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:00) The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Speaker 3 (0:19) One, two, three, four. It's the song. Speaker 3 (0:41) It feels like Speaker 6 (1:10) Hello everybody! Welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Speaker 5 (1:18) What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your middle-aged brother, Travis Big Dog Wolf of Room from the Heater, award-winning McElroy. Hey, Speaker 4 (1:23) what's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Hey. We Speaker 6 (1:27) are taking it back to last year's theme, we need to flashback 2025. Things were way different. Do not remember, Speaker 4 (1:34) was that the mushroom one? Speaker 6 (1:36) No, that Speaker 5 (1:37) was Thunder Drive, baby. Faster than fear. Faster Speaker 6 (1:40) than fear. One of my kids' favorites. Speaker 5 (1:42) My kids understood that way more than they understand this year's theme. This year's theme is tricky. I remember Tell Me Buddy Life. Speaker 4 (1:50) I remember that too. That one rings a bell. Speaker 5 (1:52) Oh man, Mandela effect, am I right? Speaker 4 (1:56) I don't think it works, actually. In this case, this would be like if Mandela both died and did not die. Oh, Speaker 5 (2:02) a Speaker 4 (2:02) quantum Mandela. Yeah. Speaker 6 (2:04) Do Speaker 4 (2:04) you Speaker 6 (2:04) think, I've never thought about this, but do you think Nelson Mandela ever forgot stuff and then he would show up and be like, damn it, where's the papers? He'd be like, Mandela effect, what can you do? Yeah. I forgot it. Speaker 4 (2:15) Sorry. Speaker 6 (2:16) Our son's birthday party was today. Oh, Speaker 4 (2:18) man, I really Mandela effected this one. Yeah, I thought you said Speaker 6 (2:21) it was tomorrow. Mandela Speaker 5 (2:22) effect. Speaker 6 (2:22) Yeah, it's my special effect. Speaker 6 (2:26) I'm always getting stuff mixed up. This is an update. We get listeners updates sometimes. Sometimes the updates are answers to conversations that we, I'm sure we had at some point. I think we had last week. Speaker 5 (2:43) This has to be prompted by Speaker 6 (2:44) something, but I really don't, I can't remember the stuff and say the stuff at Speaker 5 (2:49) the same time. Yeah, no. You can't record and play back at the same time on a cassette tape. Think about a talk boy. Speaker 6 (2:56) I'm a talk boy. We're three Speaker 4 (2:59) talk boys. You can't record and play. Going on talk men. We'll get there someday. Speaker 6 (3:06) You are talk boy going Speaker 4 (3:08) on Speaker 6 (3:08) talk men. That's the name of our next podcast. Speaker 5 (3:13) By Speaker 6 (3:13) the way, once we stop doing this baby shit, it's going to be talk men. Talk, man. We're going to talk, man. Speaker 4 (3:21) What's Speaker 5 (3:21) the Speaker 4 (3:21) deal with the Speaker 6 (3:22) men? Speaker 4 (3:22) I can't wait to get those big men advertisers. What's it called? Nutsack? Speaker 6 (3:29) Everybody's got ball shaving. They never let us do ball shaving. They never let us do it. Speaker 4 (3:34) That's fucking crazy, man. We would have done Speaker 6 (3:36) so good when everybody was getting into ball shaving. When everyone Speaker 4 (3:40) was just shilling for Smoothnut, I would love to get that Smoothnut money. Nope. Yeah. I'm all about Fullbush and trunks. You know what I mean? I'm anti-ball shaming. Travis, this new company is Fullbush, and it's the anti-men's grooming razor company. It doesn't sell anything. It's like a protest. I Speaker 5 (4:04) call it Speaker 4 (4:04) bro Speaker 5 (4:04) gain. Speaker 4 (4:05) Put it right on your balls, Speaker 5 (4:07) grow them Speaker 4 (4:07) even Speaker 5 (4:08) hairier. Speaker 4 (4:09) Careful. Now it's trending towards another. What Speaker 6 (4:11) is the update from our listeners? The update is this. I'm a semi-pro race car driver. Think AAA baseball level. Just wanted to mention. Hold Speaker 4 (4:20) on, pause. Why the fuck did you think that would be a useful shorthand for the three of us? We don't understand the hierarchy of real sports. I Speaker 5 (4:29) have watched Speaker 4 (4:29) enough Speaker 6 (4:29) baseball movies. It's not just for us. You got to remember there's listeners too. I often do this. You got to remember we're not the only ones here, right? Speaker 4 (4:37) There's baseball heads out there, sure. Speaker 6 (4:39) Just wanted to mention that drivers don't. often piss themselves in a two to four hour race, but it happens occasionally. I think before we move on, that's the best case scenario in terms of like, I think that's the funniest answer. So I'm really excited that because that makes it special. Yeah. It means something. It Speaker 4 (5:00) means you wanted it, but you wanted it the worst. Speaker 6 (5:03) Usually you're so wet from sweat and it just kind of mixes in and then evaporates. A prank teams will play on new mechanics is to ask them where a leak is coming from. If the car is leaking while sitting and waiting for the race to start. Speaker 6 (5:21) What? Speaker 5 (5:22) Like a driver will piss themselves. The piss will drip out and they'll be like, where's that leak coming from? So Speaker 4 (5:27) sorry, the prank, no, this is gross. The prank teams will play on each other as if their driver, who I assume they have to hold in high regard, he operates the machine, steps out of the car and dribbles piss on the hot asshole. No, Speaker 5 (5:40) he Speaker 4 (5:40) doesn't step out of the car, Griffin. It dribbles from the car whilst he's in it. Nope, stop. That's crazy too. Why is there so much piss? What is the volume of? driver piss in the car that it's running out over the sides. Maybe Speaker 5 (5:54) that's Speaker 4 (5:55) why Speaker 6 (5:55) they don't piss during the race is like right before the race, they just close their eyes and flow. And flow state. And Speaker 5 (6:01) the other cars don't have windshield wipers, right? Because that's added weight, I assume. This is the thing that I understand about race cars is that you're trying to get them as low weight as possible. So those things must be ramshackle as hell. Speaker 6 (6:14) that Speaker 5 (6:14) you can piss in your seat and it drips out the bottom of the car, you're on some Flintstones shit where there's no floor. Speaker 4 (6:23) Yeah, it's an open concept Speaker 5 (6:24) stock vehicle. My friend Justin Gardner spilled a full Sprite in the backseat of Griffin's car. Extra large soda. It didn't spill out the bottom of the car. Speaker 4 (6:35) It floated in there like a kiddies waiting pool. Speaker 6 (6:37) There is a... Going at a certain speed is like an equalizer on this too. It's almost like it doesn't count if you're going so fast that it really can't affect me. You know what I mean? You Speaker 4 (6:50) fill your suit up with piss, the centrifugal force of those left turns is going to whip that right out of there, mister. It's going Speaker 6 (6:58) so fast. Speaker 4 (6:59) You Speaker 6 (6:59) don't need to worry about that. You Speaker 4 (7:00) don't want to read this last sentence of the email? Speaker 6 (7:02) A couple times I know of that drivers have shit themselves, but far less common. That's from Speedy in Seattle. Speaker 4 (7:10) That's cool. That one they probably can't play off as much. Like if they step out and there's pissed dribblings coming out of the car, they can be like, wow, I really sweated a lot this one. But I don't think you can cloak it for. Here Speaker 6 (7:21) is what I, here is the decision I think you got to make. If you are in a race and you shit your pants, you have got to win the race. You have got to win. Because if you win, then it's like. What a machine. You know what I mean? But you have to win. Because if you lose and you pooped your pants. Yeah. But if you win, it's like. man stevie ray vaughn would play guitar until his calluses fell off and then glue him back on again it's that kind of thing it's that level Speaker 4 (7:55) yeah you do have to if you do make it into the winner's circle i think as soon as you step out of the stock vehicle you do need to fall on the ground and roll around a few times and get all muddy and then you're like this how i celebrate i roll around like a like a like a dirty hog and all of this stuff on me is mud it's all mud Speaker 5 (8:14) I think also if you realize you're not gonna win, maybe a controlled crash. Like a crash where it's just like, listen, I know how to do this safely. Like I'm not gonna explode. I'm gonna be fine. But then if someone's like, you shit your pants, like, yeah, man, did you see how fast I was going when I crashed? Sort of like how an assassin Speaker 4 (8:32) can shoot you through your torso in a way where he doesn't hit any like vital stuff because his job, he knows how to, you do like a. A gentle crash, but one enough that's like people see it and then they see the poop in your pants and they say, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, man, me too. When Speaker 5 (8:48) I was in high school, there was a kid and somebody bet him like $20 to piss himself like he couldn't piss himself. And my dude, it took him 30 minutes to just like unwind all the mental blockages and precautions that one has. And then I think about how fast these race cars are driving and they piss themselves. Do you think it's easier because the focus they're doing are harder? Do you think they have to really like slack themselves into it's like, do it. Do Speaker 6 (9:19) it. No, I think it's harder because I've been driving and had to do the like pee into a 20 ounce and it takes everything. It takes Speaker 4 (9:28) everything. It takes everything in me. Speaker 6 (9:31) Yeah, Speaker 4 (9:32) I did that in Bonnaroo traffic one time. I had to, and it did take a long time. At one point, I got out of the car and I climbed down into a ditch and I couldn't do it in the ditch either. And you Speaker 6 (9:41) have Speaker 4 (9:41) to say to yourself, like, it's okay. It's okay. You can't do that while driving a car so fast. Speaker 6 (9:47) Normally it's Speaker 4 (9:48) not Speaker 6 (9:48) okay, but it's okay right now. You can do that. Speaker 5 (9:50) That's why you have your head gear guy in your ears and you're like, hey, I need to piss myself. Tell me it's okay. It's okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's fine. It's okay. Big boys pee themselves sometimes. It's okay. Speaker 6 (10:03) Hey, hey, everybody, be quiet on the radio for 30 seconds. Nobody talk or anything at all. Promise. Speaker 5 (10:11) Do you want me to make like ocean sounds? Shut up! I Speaker 4 (10:14) almost opened. I almost opened it. God damn it. Take them on the you got it. You got a hater on the inside. Stop Speaker 6 (10:23) it. Shut Speaker 4 (10:23) up after Speaker 6 (10:24) the race That's why they dump all that milk on you so you can pee and pee and no Speaker 4 (10:29) one cares Yeah, cuz Speaker 6 (10:31) it's all milky Speaker 5 (10:32) and pee. I Speaker 6 (10:33) just want you to get out of there I never see anybody bolt for the can after a race. Have you ever seen that? They always lift them up Please Speaker 4 (10:41) don't do that. Please don't shake me Speaker 4 (10:46) Do you guys ever see football coaches leave the field to go use the potty during the game? No, that's what the Gatorade splash is for. So they can rip right there and do the post-game interview. Speaker 5 (10:57) I showed my kids the amazing classic film Speed Racer. And at the end, they're like drinking milk. And my kids are like, why are they drinking milk? And I explained to them, you know, you don't want to show race car drivers drinking champagne and stuff because drinking and driving. But then I realized there's so many other options. before you get to milk? To milk, yeah. Speaker 4 (11:17) I also think that celebrating by drinking after driving, that's not a thing. Do you guys think race car drivers, when they finish driving in a circle for four hours, then they get in their Honda Civic in the parking lot and drive home? No way, dude. They should get blitzed because they definitely have a DD that's going to get them there. Speaker 5 (11:37) Yeah, someone else should drive. If I'm driving a road trip and I drive like the first four hours, five hours, and then we stop, I'm not driving again, right? That's their job. That's my job. I'll Speaker 4 (11:50) take Speaker 5 (11:50) an Uber. Speaker 4 (11:51) Yeah. Speaker 6 (11:52) The first person to do it was named Louie Meyer. And he had this habit. His mom taught him. And when he won his first race in 1933, he drank a big old glass of buttermilk because his mom always told him it was a great way to beat the heat. And then some milk executive saw that and he was like, hell yeah. Speaker 5 (12:13) Everybody needs to be drinking Speaker 4 (12:15) buttermilk after a race. Buttermilk? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm pretty sure buttermilk helps the heat beat me in a major way. Yeah. No, what would be fun is if Speaker 5 (12:26) they gave them the buttermilk beforehand and then jiggled them around in a car for four hours and then they threw up butter. Speaker 6 (12:32) This says that this. Children's Museum of Indianapolis page where I'm getting this data says that the tradition continued for 10 years until 1947 when milk was no longer offered. What? Like anywhere? Speaker 5 (12:45) We Speaker 6 (12:46) were Speaker 5 (12:46) rationing. Did Speaker 6 (12:46) I Speaker 5 (12:46) miss? You remember the milk prohibition of 47, right? Speaker 4 (12:49) The Speaker 5 (12:49) war took all the milk? Speaker 4 (12:51) One of Speaker 5 (12:51) the wars took Speaker 4 (12:51) all the milk. Speaker 5 (12:51) We sent a lot of good cows overseas and they never came back. Our fighting steers. This is an advice show. Big Speaker 4 (12:58) bones. It's Speaker 6 (12:59) an advice show. We're going to help somebody. today. I attend a local chess club once a week for all ages and skill levels. Occasionally, I end up playing chess against a young child 5 to 10 years old. I'm 43. Speaker 4 (13:16) Yeah, man. Speaker 6 (13:16) Yeah, man. These kids today. Speaker 4 (13:18) People like making kids do chess. I love Speaker 6 (13:21) to teach kids, and I'm happy to play chess with them. I try to be extra nice and give them hints about how to make good moves, but inevitably I end up winning. Sometimes they start crying and beg their parents to go home. I feel awful when this happens. Help me, dear brothers. How can I avoid making kids cry while still dominating them over the board? That's from beginning to cry in British Columbia. Speaker 4 (13:40) You're almost there. Let's zoom in on a Speaker 6 (13:42) word that is called inevitably. Tell me about that. That's Speaker 4 (13:46) interesting. That's such Speaker 6 (13:47) an interesting word you've chosen, my friend. You inevitably beat them. Because that's interesting, because I've lost to my kids in every fucking game there is, and I have never struggled. Maybe once or twice. That Speaker 4 (13:59) is Speaker 6 (13:59) so hard. Chutes Speaker 5 (14:00) of Speaker 6 (14:00) ladders, maybe. Some Speaker 5 (14:01) of Speaker 6 (14:01) the random ones can be hard to fix. But, like, inevitably you won? That's because they're Speaker 5 (14:07) your kids, Justin. What? I think it's a lot easier to lose on purpose. to your own children, then random, because there comes a point. Because you have to