MBMBaM 832: A Clean Bill of Pants

My Brother, My Brother And Me

The episode opens with Griffin McElroy announcing his retirement from the High Rocks fitness competition following controversial new rules r

Key takeaways

• Griffin McElroy is retiring from High Rocks because of new regulations prohibiting athletes from 'shitting their pants' during competition.
• The hosts debate the ethics of using an 88-cent Buffalo Wild Wings gift card without causing social friction.

Main topics

• High Rocks retirement
• Gift card etiquette

Notable quotes

I'm fucking out, gang.

Conclusion

A humorous exploration of niche social anxieties ranging from athletic

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Speaker 8 (0:19) One, two, three, four! It's the song! It feels love! Hello, Speaker 3 (1:10) everybody! Welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Speaker 4 (1:17) What's up, Travis? Thanks for listening. Your middle-aged brother, Travis Big Dog. Woof, woof, vroom, vroom. The heater, award-winning McElroy. Speaker 5 (1:23) I'm extreme athlete Griffin McElroy. Whoa. And I am here to formally announce- Biggest, earliest lie yet. My retirement from the sport of high rocks. I'm fucking out, gang. All my brand deals- No. Ditas. Speaker 3 (1:40) Canceled. So that's, High Rocks, if you don't know, that is a fitness competition that combines eight chems of running and eight functional workout stations. It's fitness racing, a Speaker 4 (1:52) sport for everybody. Speaker 5 (1:53) It's Speaker 4 (1:53) fitness Speaker 5 (1:53) racing, a sport I was at the forefront of at the height of my game. Turns out they combine two things no one likes to do. That's amazing. And I can't do either one individually. Speaker 3 (2:06) I can't run eight cams. I don't even Speaker 5 (2:08) know how long Speaker 3 (2:08) that is. I can't do that. Speaker 5 (2:09) Lay eight Speaker 4 (2:10) cams down head Speaker 5 (2:11) to toe. Yeah. I can't do heavy rope or super jump or double jump or Speaker 3 (2:20) tire Speaker 5 (2:20) flip. I can't do that shit. But when you mix them together, I found my fucking niche. The only issue. is that there was an event, and I don't know, overseas, I didn't actually go to this one because I had others, there was a different- Travel ban, just say travel ban. Travel Speaker 3 (2:36) ban. Speaker 5 (2:36) I yelled Speaker 4 (2:37) out on a plane. I yelled on a plane one time. It was positive, but loud. Yeah, he was really excited. He was watching Mission Impossible and he was really excited that Tom Cruise made it. Well, Speaker 5 (2:45) I Speaker 4 (2:45) kept looking out Speaker 5 (2:46) the window, I kept going, clouds! And they wouldn't let me back on the plane. No, no, no, Speaker 4 (2:50) I like Travis's joke. Do his. Okay, go ahead, Trev. He got really excited watching Mission Impossible when Tom Cruise survived and succeeded. He just got so excited. He had to cheer for Tom. Yay, Tom! Speaker 5 (3:01) I Speaker 4 (3:01) like that better, yeah. Speaker 5 (3:02) It was, you know, the big Beijing race and the big High Rocks race. And then there was an athlete who soiled herself during the race. And she went on to win and had a really fun Instagram post about it that's like not. Not pretty, but a win's a win. And it's like, that's awesome. And then people got super mad because they're like, you can't just poop all over the floor or whatever. We are in a race. It's not safe. And then a high rocks had to change the rules and institute an official rule saying that you can't shit your pants while you're doing. Whoa. I think that's a baloney. I think that sucks. You're going to ask me to push my body to the limit. And then when my body pushes back, you say this far, no further. Do you want me to be an elite athlete or do you not want me to be an elite athlete? Speaker 4 (3:43) So have these sports commissioner rulemaking people never shit their pants before? Are they thinking that someone would shit their pants and that would give them a motivational boost to do better? No. Speaker 5 (3:55) In Speaker 4 (3:55) what way? If anything, overcoming that and winning means a movie made about it, not punitive rule changes. Exactly. Punitive. Speaker 5 (4:07) Now. This is a Hacksaw Ridge story of facing adversity and having courage and triumphing, and then we are going to punish? I don't think so. I'm sorry that there's Dookie on the floor where you're doing your athleticism. I realize it's a biocontainment. You ever play Mario Speaker 3 (4:25) Kart? That happens sometimes. It happens sometimes. Donkey Kong is a wild animal. He shits on the track all the Speaker 4 (4:31) time. Speaker 3 (4:31) That's Speaker 4 (4:31) what Speaker 3 (4:31) the banana peels Speaker 5 (4:32) are. That's what the banana peels are. It's his poop coming out. And this is Speaker 4 (4:36) like the marijuana drug test, the THC drug test at like the Olympics. You're telling me that that makes them better at sports? It makes them faster and more? No. No one likes to swim Speaker 5 (4:48) that much unless they're stoned out of their goddamn mind. Let me shit my pants while I'm doing big ropes. Now, if you're shitting us. Maybe Speaker 4 (4:56) not. Speaker 5 (4:56) Maybe don't say Speaker 3 (4:57) it that way, Griffin. Well, Speaker 5 (4:58) I'm Speaker 3 (4:58) doing Speaker 5 (4:58) huge Speaker 3 (4:58) ropes. Let me fucking shit right in my pants. If you shit in the pool during a swimming event, you should be remiss. Okay, Speaker 5 (5:06) let me check the Olympics rules, Speaker 3 (5:08) Justin. You guys Speaker 5 (5:09) joke, I'm going to search official Olympic rules. Can you shit in the pool? Help me out, Google AI. No, you cannot poop in an Olympic pool. You Speaker 3 (5:22) can't? Guys, I literally... A Speaker 2 (5:23) part Speaker 3 (5:23) of you Speaker 5 (5:24) can't. I'm screen sharing my screen right now. I've never seen a more authoritative answer from Google AI. Simply... Scroll Speaker 3 (5:35) past. No, you can't trust that. You gotta go to the source. You can't trust the Google AI results. I've never seen Google AI use eight Speaker 4 (5:42) words. Those same Google Speaker 3 (5:43) AI results are the ones that told me that Tim Curry was definitely in the day the world broke just because I had done a video about it. Speaker 4 (5:52) Reddit's the way to go. Reddit's Speaker 3 (5:54) where Speaker 5 (5:54) all that Speaker 4 (5:54) truth Speaker 5 (5:54) is. How do you pee and poop? This hasn't happened. But I mean, the question is now being raised. All the results are about this High Rocks event. People are now talking about, I think, can you shit while you're doing sports? And I think that's so wrongheaded and closed-minded. I think people are really talking about High Rocks for the first Speaker 3 (6:11) time. And I feel like if you were somebody in the High Rocks higher-ups, maybe you were wishing Speaker 4 (6:17) this Speaker 3 (6:18) wasn't how you rose to prominence. You know, maybe that if you ban shitting, you may have just, you may have just removed yourself from like the number one thing that people know about high rocks, broadly speaking. Which is Speaker 5 (6:32) that it's so intense. It's so intense. It makes you shit your pants. Wouldn't you want that to be part of the like high rocks, the sport that makes you shit? It's like, it should be like fighting in hockey or it's like, you definitely should it. But like, yeah, we'll give you a minute. Speaker 3 (6:46) It can really be a shame if you guys punched. Speaker 5 (6:49) It can change the momentum of a race. A pants shit. There's nothing formal about it in the rules, but now there is. And the crowd's on its feet. You know what I mean? Now the Speaker 4 (6:57) crowd's on its feet. Speaker 5 (6:58) I don't know if Speaker 4 (6:59) there's a crowd. Speaker 3 (7:00) And it will literally change the momentum of the race because people will slip in it like Elmer Fudd on butter. Speaker 4 (7:08) You're going to need definitive lanes. Yeah. Maybe barriers between them is going to be a new thing that you're going to have to come up with. Yeah. I mean, how do you do it during COVID? Put big Speaker 5 (7:19) plastic walls up between all the different tracks. Get the ropes further away from each other. The big, Speaker 4 (7:24) huge ropes I think they probably use. I bet the sport that pooping your pants would have the least impact on gameplay is probably golf. That's what springs to mind. I'm trying to think of a sport that it would matter less. Speaker 3 (7:36) Most Speaker 4 (7:36) golfers are probably pooping their pants. Speaker 3 (7:39) Yeah, Speaker 4 (7:39) I mean, they Speaker 3 (7:40) don't have to Speaker 5 (7:40) reach out Speaker 4 (7:40) on the Speaker 3 (7:40) course. And I will also, gentlemen, I will caution you. Okay. We just had to delete eight minutes of great stuff about Mitch McConnell because we all agreed that it felt too mean. Yeah. So let's not stumble into ageism again, okay? I'm serious, guys. Be clear. The bulk of my Mitch Speaker 5 (7:59) McConnell jokes were not about ageism. but about the darkness in his heart. That's all that I am saying. And all I said, Justin, was that someone should run up and tug on his scalp gently and not hurt him. Speaker 3 (8:10) That's all I said, and you guys so worked up. Speaker 5 (8:12) We Speaker 4 (8:13) literally, we literally, we traveled to delay his Speaker 3 (8:16) stream today because Speaker 4 (8:17) we had to stop because we did eight minutes of stuff that was too mean. I was talking about which sport pooping your pants would have the least impact on gameplay of, and you guys seared it in this direction. We could have been comparing like, What happens in badminton versus like a skeleton crew? And you guys were like, hey, let's talk about the nine minutes we erase for a time. Let me frame Speaker 3 (8:39) it this way. Here's Speaker 5 (8:41) a Speaker 3 (8:41) reframe. Here's a reframe. Here's Speaker 5 (8:42) a Speaker 3 (8:42) reframe. If Speaker 5 (8:43) I was on Mitch's street team, I would want someone to tug gently on his scalp. Speaker 3 (8:48) If I was on Mitch's street team, I would want someone to tug gently on his scalp. A reframe doesn't Speaker 5 (8:54) bring Speaker 3 (8:54) us back to the topic that we're trying to avoid. Speaker 4 (8:57) It's definitely not downhill skiing. Downhill skiing would be a Speaker 5 (9:01) huge issue. It would be a big problem. Speaker 4 (9:03) Inline skating, skateboarding, Speaker 5 (9:05) huge issue. Yeah, racing truly, there's a tough, I don't know how one finds a race that you can unload and do. It really should be an individual Speaker 4 (9:13) sport. Speaker 5 (9:13) Sprint, they're moving so Speaker 4 (9:14) fast. Yeah. But that's also like 40 yards? Yeah. Maybe, see, Speaker 5 (9:21) the real thing is, if I was High Rocks and my sport made people, and I Googled, like, is this a thing? And then the results were pretty unanimously like, yeah, some really extreme athletic events do make you shit your pants. I think if you're High Rocks, you gotta take a look at that and be like, we gotta dial it the fuck back. It's Speaker 4 (9:37) too Speaker 3 (9:37) hard. Speaker 5 (9:38) It's Speaker 4 (9:38) too hard, man. Speaker 5 (9:39) You Speaker 4 (9:39) just add a special category now. So now, right, now it's High Rocks, High Rocks, like, post-laxative. High Rocks post-big meal. You know what Speaker 3 (9:48) I mean? Yeah, High Speaker 4 (9:48) Rocks dirty. High Rock's dirty, right? You Speaker 3 (9:51) can add an asterisk, which conveniently looks exactly like a butthole. There we go. Speaker 5 (9:55) An asterisk. I got a PB on the High Rocks course, and that stands for poopy butt. I said a new PB. Speaker 3 (10:05) How would she? She has continued to draw criticism for not issuing an apology. Speaker 4 (10:13) Women, you don't need to apologize anymore. Take it from me, a man. Speaker 3 (10:19) Thank you. You're welcome. But for serious, you shit your pants. You don't owe no any apologies. I've never apologized to anybody for shitting my pants as an adult. And I will continue to keep that streak alive. It's the worst for me. Always. It's always the worst for Speaker 4 (10:39) the Speaker 3 (10:39) shitter. Speaker 4 (10:39) If anything, the commissioner of High Rocks, I assume, exists. owes you an apology for making their sports so hard that you shit yourself Speaker 3 (10:47) publicly. Can I have a refund on this? Because this never happened in bottle smash. This never happened in badminton. Speaker 4 (10:58) Definitely in boxing, though. Speaker 5 (11:00) Never in can jam. Someone has been punched so hard. Dude, you've got definitely some place in your thalamus or whatever that if you get punched in just right, blast off. I think we should get the high rocks execs to do a high rocks. And if we get a clean bill of, of pants at the end of it from all of them, then this rule can stand. Otherwise, do you want me to push my body to the fucking breaking point or not? I retire. Whoa. Wow. Speaker 3 (11:26) Post forthwith. Wow. Griffin, you'll get no more ropes from me. Not until this Speaker 5 (11:32) policy is reversed. Speaker 3 (11:34) This is an advice show. Speaker 5 (11:37) Do you think they had to also put in a rule that you can't piss your pants? Do you think while they were like, well, let's get these all out. Speaker 3 (11:43) If everybody's so precious over there, you know what I mean? Like they've never seen people poop. Speaker 5 (11:47) Yeah. What if I jizz while I'm high-roxing involuntarily? Sometimes that happens when I push my body to the fucking athletic breaking point. Is I blast off. Speaker 4 (11:56) What's next? No Speaker 5 (11:57) crying in baseball? What are you going to do? Keep updating the rules every time anyone has a Panta accident? Speaker 3 (12:06) No crying in baseball is good, Travis. It's an exact equal problem. That would be great. Speaker 5 (12:14) No lay quits. There's no rule in High Rocks that you can't shit your pants. But if you do, Tom Hanks is going to run up to you and say, there's no shitting in High Speaker 3 (12:22) Rocks. Speaker 4 (12:25) And then the referees from Air Bud come out and they check the book and they're like, actually, it's nowhere in the rulebook you can't shit yourself. Speaker 5 (12:32) I do want to give my flowers Speaker 3 (12:35) to the athlete who did this because she has been so unflappable in the face of this Speaker 5 (12:42) because she knows she's not wrong. The sport made her shit her pants. She didn't do this voluntarily. She's not in trouble. If she had Speaker 3 (12:49) had a regular Tuesday at Barnes & Noble, there's no way she would have just dropped ass right there. She's not like, Speaker 5 (12:54) stop talking about this. She's like, I won High Rocks. And I shit my pants in the process. I'm a fucking hero. What Speaker 3 (13:02) if Speaker 5 (13:02) you farted Speaker 3 (13:03) so stinky everybody hated it? Speaker 5 (13:07) Yeah. Good point, Justin. Speaker 3 (13:09) Is it a rule now that Ikea farts so bad that it makes Mark Fisher have to leave his own bedroom and throw up now? Is Speaker 4 (13:17) that how bad the rules? This is an excellent point, Justin, because if you're leading the race and you drop a fart so stinking and so bad that everyone behind you slows down to get away from it, is that cheating now? Is that cheating? Speaker 3 (13:29) And they have to stop. It's so bad they have to stop and be like, boo! Yeah. Like, that's how, like... These other athletes Speaker 5 (13:37) who looked at the poop on the ground and were like, I'm done. They just wanted to stop doing high rocks because of how exhausting and shitty it is. I thought we were pushing limits. Speaker 3 (13:47) Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought we were pushing. I don't know why you guys aren't Speaker 5 (13:51) shitting on Speaker 3 (13:51) the ground. I can break a sweat, but I can't break a wind. No thanks. Grow up. Sounds like somebody's Speaker 5 (13:57) jealous. Speaker 3 (13:59) Grow up. By the way, if you guys make these rules in podcasting, somebody's going to have to. give back their iHeartMedia awards. Just saying. If you can't shit during an ad... Speaker 3 (14:10) Enough said. Speaker 4 (14:11) Build in Speaker 5 (14:12) a bathroom break, Speaker 3 (14:13) High Rocks. Speaker 5 (14:14) Yeah, you got eight fucking athletic events in there. Swap one out for a toilet time. A pit stop. Speaker 3 (14:20) Come on. Pit stop. You know they're doing it in NASCAR. I've Speaker 4 (14:25) never checked, Speaker 3 (14:25) but I don't know how long a pit stop is. Not long enough for me. This is an advice show. All right. I have a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card with 88 cents remaining on it. I hold a strong personal grudge against BW. Okay, they're now saying B-W-W, which is... B-dubs. B-dubs, that's fine. And refuse to go there again. However, I do not want to throw the gift card away. That would be 88 cents in B-dubs' pocket. I was considering going to my local B-W-3. I know exactly how old you are now, my friend. You've just referred to it as B-W-3. Whoop, whoop, whoop. Call the police. I'm giving it to somebody