Mimi Ikonn: I Thought Having a Baby Would Bring Us Closer — But Our Marriage Fell Apart

Motherkind

Mimi Ikonn joins host Zoe on Motherkind to reflect on her 15-year relationship and 13-year marriage that gradually unraveled following the birth of their daughter. She

Key takeaways

• Mimi Ikonn realized her marriage was eroding after experiencing a brief emotional connection with someone else at work, which served as a catalyst to admit she was no longer in love with her husband of 13 years.
• Ikonn describes the profound loneliness of early motherhood, noting that breastfeeding and lack of community support caused her to emotionally detach from her partner despite his best efforts.

Main topics

• Marriage breakdown & relationship erosion
• Matrescence & early motherhood isolation

Notable quotes

"I realized, actually, if I can feel like this for someone I just met, I'm no longer in love with my partner."

Conclusion

Ikonn's episode offers a grounded blueprint for navigating major life tra

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) And I realized, actually, if I can feel like this for someone, I just met. I'm no longer in love with my partner. I didn't realize for many years that the relationship was eroding. What were some of the breadcrumbs that you, looking back, you're like, I can see that, that you didn't notice at the time. The biggest shift in our relationship happened after two became three. The next day, I came home from the hospital, and he's like, I'm going to go have lunch with them. Bye. And I was like... I felt so lonely. I felt extremely lonely and I was disassociating. I realized that I cannot make a decision to stay in the relationship just for my child because what am I modeling to her? Speaker 2 (0:43) Hey, welcome Speaker 1 (0:44) to Motherkind. Speaker 2 (0:45) It is me, your host, Zoe. We are proudly sponsored by Wild Nutrition's Women's Supplements. Today, I am joined by entrepreneur, author, and wellness thought leader, Mimi Icon. From the outside, Mimi appeared to have the perfect life. A successful marriage, beautiful daughter, millions of followers, and a hugely successful business. But on the inside, something no longer felt right. And in this conversation, Mimi shares what it took to find the courage to leave a life that looked great on paper, but felt very different on the inside. We talk about the guilt, the fear and, you know, the impact of choosing herself. We talk about her experience of matrescence, how becoming a mother changed her identity and ambition and whether years of mindset work really did prepare her. for her transition into motherhood. She also opens up about dating as a single mother, learning to trust herself through enormous change and redefining what success looks like in this season of her life. We also talk about entrepreneurship, backing yourself. This is such an honest and thought-provoking conversation about motherhood, about relationships, about reinvention and ultimately about choosing ourselves. I hope you love it. If you did, please do subscribe to wherever you listen or watch. This cannot tell you the difference it makes to the show. Here it is. Speaker 2 (2:11) Oh, maybe welcome. I'm so excited to chat. Speaker 1 (2:14) Welcome to Motherkind. Thank you so much for having me. I'm really looking forward to also go deep into everything you want to go deep into. Well, let's go deep straight away because you had, as Speaker 2 (2:25) you describe it in the amazing new book, this perfect life on the outside. You had daughter, husband, business, you co-founded and co-owned the business together. Something didn't feel right on the inside. Tell us about it. Speaker 1 (2:40) I Speaker 2 (2:40) love Speaker 1 (2:40) that you're starting right there at the most dramatic moment, I would say, in the last few years of my life, which was me, you know, after years of being with my partner. I think at that point we were together for more than 15 years, out of which we were married for 13. And we were, you know, co-founders in multiple businesses. So we worked together from day one because we used to work together at a bank. So we were in corporate and then we left the corporate world and started multiple businesses, had our beautiful daughter together. So we had that history of really beautiful, healthy, secure relationship. And, you know, as I share my story, I think it's important to note that no relationship just erodes in a moment. It's a long process. Speaker 1 (3:25) Oftentimes, it's a process that, even though intuitively we might be aware of it's happening, but we don't want to admit it is, or we simply don't realize what's happening because it's the first time it's happening to us. For example, my ex-partner was my first real long-term relationship. I've never had a proper breakup. I've dated people, but like really short. long distance relationships, nothing serious where I actually lived together with a partner. So I've never been in this situation before. It's my first time, even though we've been together for so long, right? So I didn't realize for many years that the relationship was eroding. And then there was a moment in time where, you know, somebody came into my life as a catalyst. And I realized, actually, if I can feel like this for someone I just met, I'm no longer in love with my partner. And that kind of opened up a whole Pandora of things that I had to then process. Tell us about that. So you were in a work meeting, weren't you? It was something like that. Yeah. I don't want to go into many details because I think it's, you know, I really want to go past that part of the story and I don't want to reveal anyone's details. But yeah, it was a work setting where I just met someone briefly and actually didn't end up going into any kind of affair or anything. Nothing happened. It became a friendship. But I fell in love with someone and that made me realize if I can fall in love with someone, that means I'm not in love with my partner. And that was very painful because it was a painful thing for me to admit to myself because... he was my best friend. And it's like, how do you tell your best friend that you're no longer in love? Well, first you have to admit it to yourself, right? How did you do Speaker 2 (5:07) that? From that moment when you had that feeling in you that made you realize, I love the fact that you said it was a catalyst. I love that. It's such a nice. Because a lot of times Speaker 1 (5:18) we'll have something happen to us. I mean, obviously it took like months and months and even now years. It happened three years ago. So more than three years ago. where you look back and then it takes you time to process and really psychoanalyze what did really happen. And now I can easily see it. But in the moment, it was so confusing. I was like, what is happening? How can I feel this way for someone I just met? But what was the first thing is because in my relationship with my ex-partner, we always had transparency and honesty as one of our... values and pillars in our relationship. And as I said, we were best friends. We're still very good friends to this day. And I think maybe two weeks later, I had to tell him that I had a crush on someone because I simply couldn't sleep anymore. And he reacted very well. He was like, listen, you're a human being. These things can happen. See if it will blow over, you know, and like, it's fine. But I knew in my heart it wasn't fine because it was at that point we were together for so many years. And I had history of all these years knowing that I never looked or fell for another man in that long period of time. So I knew for me this is not normal. Something must have happened for a long time for this to have happened. And that's when now I look back at my life and our relationship. I realized that it was eroding for a long period of time and I was disassociating. But I didn't know I was. What was some of those? Because so many people are going to relate to this. What were some of Speaker 2 (6:50) the breadcrumbs that you're looking back, you're like, I can see that, that you didn't notice at the time. Speaker 1 (6:54) I'm happy to share, especially since your podcast is about motherhood. I feel like the biggest shift in our relationship happened after two became three. And it's a very difficult thing to admit even to yourself, right? Because building a family, you're like... It's going to get even closer, right? And deeper. That's what you hope for. But the reality is that when you add an extra human or two or three, you have more responsibilities. You have less time for your relationship with your partner. And oftentimes, unless you have a really great support system, which I think most of us who live in big cities don't, away from our parents, I simply don't have my parents. He didn't have his parents in London either. So we had no community, especially when I gave birth. I was actually 30, but none of my friends, I have a lot of friends who are younger, older, but like none of them had kids. I was the first one and I felt so lonely. I felt extremely lonely. And as much as he was supportive, you know, The next day, I came home from the hospital and our friends were visiting from Toronto. And he's like, I'm going to go have lunch with them. Bye. And I was like, I want to come too. But like here I have a newborn and I'm breastfeeding, right? Like I'm not saying it's a bad thing that he left. I'm happy for him that he had to get out and have lunch with someone. But the truth is we as women, especially if you choose to breastfeed, our life changes forever. Yeah. Because for as long as you're breastfeeding and I breastfed for two years. You're the main source of food and comfort for your child. And yeah, I never realized how much of an impact that's going to make on my freedom. I mean, I knew that freedom was going to be altered and that's normal, but it was a lot more intense than I imagined it would be. And a lot of times, again, as much as he was helpful, and again, I think I have a great ex-partner and he did the best he could. I just realized that I kept disassociating because I still felt very lonely in the experience of motherhood. And I don't think I'm unique to that. No, definitely not. And we've had many conversations. I would bring it up to him and he would be like, do the research. He's like, I am a great father. And I would do the research and I would come back to him with the research that was horrific. Like, I think... If you look at an average man in the US, because I think I couldn't find the research in the UK, but an average father in America spent something like, I don't know, don't quote me on this, but it was really bad, like 11 minutes with a child. Yes. And an average woman, a mother spends maybe double or triple of that, but not longer because people simply... are out there working and like the system is against us. And yeah, like there's so many things I learned through the process of motherhood, but I think the erosion started happening then very slowly. I feel like the first year when we had our child was our most difficult year of our relationship. And we worked through that and then it got better and better. And through COVID years, it was the best because he couldn't travel. And I just love the fact that it was like just the three of us doing life. And then COVID ended, you know, and everything was open again. And he's like, I want to go travel. I want to do more things where, you know, I'm free. And for me, like parenting is very different. Like I'm very full on and not to say that there's right way to do parenting. Some moms are also very hands off and they have a support system, full time nannies. or maybe one of the parents helping them. I'm very full on mom. So for me, like, again, I felt very, very alone in the experience, I think a lot of the times and I didn't realize because I just made peace with it. And I accepted my partner, but I think I was also disassociating and detaching from him without realizing that I was. Yeah, Speaker 2 (10:42) well, it sounds almost like a little bit of you was like. Speaker 2 (10:46) Not avoiding the resentment. Do you know what I mean? A little bit. Because maybe because you've done