Table for Two | Ella & Vansh on Intimacy

Moment of Silence

In this episode of Table for Two, Ella and V/ansh engage in a vulnerable discussion regarding the gap between media-driven sexual expectations

Key takeaways

• Media portrayals in Bollywood and pornography often present a 'performance' mindset that ignores physical realities like cramps or interruptions.
• Ella discusses how transitioning and estrogen levels significantly influence her emotional layering and sexual arousal patterns.

Main topics

• Media vs. Reality in Intimacy
• Gender Dysphoria and Transitioning

Notable quotes

The intimacy we see in movies... that is not actually true.

Conclusion

A profound look at how radical honesty and empathy can navigate the co

Transcript preview

Speaker 1 (0:00) This podcast may contain discussions of mature themes including but not limited to intimacy, sex, gender, sexuality, relationships and mental health. Listener discretion is advised. Speaker 3 (0:17) Hi everyone, I'm Ella. I'm Vansh. And you're watching Table for Two. Without wasting any time, Janu, I have to ask you, what were your turn-ons and turn-offs? Speaker 2 (0:27) Turn-on was the red one. And no turn-off for this week because this week we talk about... Speaker 1 (0:37) My Speaker 3 (0:38) turn on was being able to deal with a turn off. We've been really busy. We've been shooting nonstop, so we've been tired. And there's been no time or capacity for lovemaking. Speaker 2 (0:51) But Speaker 3 (0:51) we sat down and we had a very chill conversation about it instead of either of us getting an attitude. So it's quite a turn on when you can talk about... being very unsexy in life. Speaker 2 (1:02) Yeah, that is a fact. And I feel like the intimacy we see in movies, you know, in those movies, that is not actually true. Even while you are doing it, there are a lot of moments, you know, sometimes you guys laugh, you guys talk. And then suddenly someone calls you while you are in the movement. Then you have to pick up the call. Yes, brother, write OTP. Write OTP. Speaker 3 (1:28) Yeah. I think that's something that like... all of us grew up with a pressure to perform, you know, in the bedroom because like, what was our sources? Bollywood movies and pornography. Which, by the way, body makeup is a thing, guys. Like, these girls, they don't have stretch marks, no like scars, no nothing, perfect looking bodies and the lighting is perfect. No folds, lumps or bumps and then there's me in the mirror worrying about how am I going to pull the same tricks when I don't have the same equipment. But it's really manufactured. Like, the rest, representation of sex that we get from mainstream media or pornography and I think it's quite damaging. What do you think? Speaker 2 (2:07) Even for men, like the sizes of those men, like come on, I am not pulling that off. I'm so sorry. And you know, I feel like it's so unrealistic, you know, the unrealistic standards and you know those are the top one percent of the one percent of the size and everything else and you know they take meds so they perform for one hour so when you can't perform for the whole one hour you feel like oh am i not man enough today yeah and that puts a very unrealistic pressure and then you stop enjoying you start emulating Speaker 2 (2:51) Ask your partner, are they enjoying or are they not enjoying? Speaker 3 (2:55) Yeah, because like instead of like having sex, you go into this like sex production mindset. Like, oh, arch my back and this and that. Like I've, okay, let me tell you like a little story. So one time when we were doing something and it was like a really, I was on top and I was really like, oh, I can't break the flow. Got a cramp in my leg. But I kept going because like you don't see people taking breaks in movies. You don't say people like, oh, this hurts, that hurts. This is not good for me. That's not good for me. Like you see, oh, you lock eyes and then the air changes and then you go for it and boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then you only stop when you both finish at the same time, which that's also realistic. Speaker 2 (3:38) That's true. Speaker 3 (3:40) Yeah and then the shame of it afterwards especially like given the fact that in our culture sex karna hi nahi hai. You know, ye toh hota hi nahi hai. Like I genuinely growing up thought ki like it's something Speaker 2 (3:52) that's completely unnecessary and it's something that's completely like Speaker 3 (3:55) frivolously done. Yeh sirf gande loko ke gande shock hota hai. I didn't know where babies come from for the longest time. I thought sex was just like this ameero ka ayashi wali thing. So I didn't know people had sex. Speaker 2 (4:07) And... You know, when I saw the condom packets for the first time, someone had gone to a medical shop and I was like, what, six, seven years old? And I saw the packet and I thought, oh, this is a bikini for women. Because it's made of the same thing. So, I thought, oh, this is a bikini. And they pack it in such a small box because it's something Speaker 3 (4:32) to Speaker 2 (4:32) hide. Yeah, Speaker 3 (4:33) the girls are wearing tiny, tiny, tiny thongs. Speaker 2 (4:37) But Speaker 3 (4:37) like, when did you find out that sex was a thing A and what were your initial reactions? Speaker 2 (4:43) Okay, the sex is a thing I found out in class 7th. I saw videos, of course. And the first time I saw it, I was not able to grasp what's happening. And where is the thing going? Because I thought for the longest time, boys ke aage kuch hota hai. Girls are just Speaker 3 (5:07) smooth. There's nothing Speaker 2 (5:08) there. And that's why they sit to pee because pee poop same same jaga se. Speaker 3 (5:16) Anyways, it's a great conversation to have over food. Yeah. Speaker 2 (5:19) Enjoy the pizza guys. Speaker 3 (5:21) So Speaker 2 (5:21) when I first saw it, main toh pehle confused tha ki ye ho kya raha hai, ho kya raha hai. Speaker 3 (5:27) And Speaker 2 (5:27) then slowly slowly I figured it out and then you know you Then you read, then you watch. If you watch too much, who Speaker 3 (5:34) reads? Speaker 3 (6:03) I was fully shocked. And then of course, eventually down the line, I realized and then I learned where babies come from. But I'd be lying if I say that I didn't... like villainize sex for the longest time. I genuinely thought of it as like a recreational, like I thought, okay, smoking, drinking, fucking. Like the list of bad habits. And then that's why it was so hard for me to be. you know, sexual at any point in my life, in my relationships also, because I grew up thinking like, okay, this is a bad thing. But lo and behold, I have the same hormones and the same body parts as anyone. And like, it is a need, like, and it's pretty high on the hierarchy of needs. So of course I wanted it, but there was this pressure to not outwardly ask for it or show that you, you know, want physical intimacy or sex in any way, shape or form. So my, this thing came out in, on Snapchat in the middle. of the night because of course growing up I wasn't very comfortable to date people around me so what I would do is like and I don't suggest this this is why I'm gonna be very careful with giving my children phones what I would do is like I would go on these chat rooms bring a guy over to snapchat send pictures and like you know figure it out that way and that's really unsafe because I was probably 13 14 15 years old doing shenanigans like this but in my parents defense I feel like they they didn't give me the talk back then because nobody expects such young children to already have sexual tendencies right like that's one part where i feel like we go wrong because all of us assume that like oh young people can't be sexual this is something you know you you get horny but the truth is like sexual inclination comes in very young to people and also sexual exploitation is a thing so i feel like just as a protection way you should have you should introduce your kids to what sex is or what their genitals are okay Speaker 2 (8:02) i'll ask you this when was the first time one of your peers introduced you to something like a magazine or a video or something that Speaker 3 (8:11) never happened for me because i didn't I was friends with girls most of my school life and just naturally I think women don't consume pornography like through videos as much like we were the Wattpad smut consuming so we used to write these like fan fictions about and then there he was my new master from BTS like all that stuff like so it was different and it was a bit confusing but I do remember like not really having guy friends or being exposed to like, oh, look, this is porn or like, look at somebody's nude. So I didn't really have any sources to discuss that. Honestly, I just kind of figured it out on my own and my dad's phone. I think we should talk about our own sex life because I feel like, especially as a queer couple, there's a lot of young queer people who, you know, it's even more like mystified for them because our bodies are not represented and our experience are not talked about in mainstream media. So I think. sharing our experiences will help people and one of the things that you know you was new for you was the the part of my body which is like the sexual organ on my genital is something that brings me the most discomfort or dysphoria dysphoria is when you feel disconnected from a body part you feel like it shouldn't be there it makes you insecure it makes you uncomfortable and so being intimate for the first time I really didn't know how to bring it up because Naturally when you're with a person and you're getting close to each other, where do you want to touch them? There are no no parts, you know, but for me being touched there being reminded of that part is actually More stressful it would completely turn me off and that was a conversation I didn't feel like bringing up initially but then I feel like you sort of held space and asked me a lot of the right questions without Pressuring me into either Give an answer immediately or give an answer that you want to hear. Speaker 2 (10:07) Even the first time that we talked about it, it was like a two, three hour long phone conversation. And like, okay, do we want to use protection? Do we not want to use protection? And then you feel so weird having these conversations because even on the call, I was like. we are Speaker 1 (10:25) not talking Speaker 2 (10:25) very maturely today. Speaker 3 (10:46) to each other's bodies. It's more comfortable actually. You would think that how are we going to talk about this? It will make us awkward. But you know what will make you more awkward? When your partner does something that you don't like and Speaker 2 (10:57) then you Speaker 3 (10:57) don't tell them and then you become unsatisfied with them and then because you've not told