healing from a breakup - ep. 3

Modern Girl

In this vulnerable and introspective episode of 'Modern Girl,' the host shares her personal journey of healing after a traumatic breakup, emphasizing self-protection,

Key takeaways

• Healing from a breakup is not linear but requires daily conscious decisions to choose healthy behaviors over destructive ones.
• Past healing attempts were hindered by addiction and avoidance; sobriety has been essential to genuine emotional recovery.

Main topics

• Healing after a breakup
• Sobriety and emotional recovery

Notable quotes

"I was not happy. I felt unsafe. And you are allowed to leave a relationship whenever you feel like you need to."

"Healing is not linear, but it is a decision that you have to make for yourself."

Conclusion

The host closes with a message of hope and resilience, acknowledging that while healing is

Transcript preview

Speaker 2 (0:02) I'm terrified right now. Speaker 1 (0:05) Talking to you for a second, or Speaker 2 (0:31) this could be for Speaker 1 (0:32) anyone. I Speaker 2 (0:33) started recording this because I have been really anxious about it all day and I figured I might as well just hit the button and get it not over with, but just get it started. So I stop spiraling. I have my notebook. So, oh my God, it's. So quiet. How do I do my notebook so that it's not like super obvious and you can't read my inner thoughts? Speaker 1 (0:57) Cosmo, are you going to help today? Do you have anything to say? Speaker 2 (1:02) Right. Throughout this year. I'm Speaker 1 (1:05) OK. I'm OK. Speaker 2 (1:06) I'm OK. This year, my DMs have been filled with one question in different forms over and over and over again. And I have wanted to respond to every single one of them because I have a lot to say. How do you heal after a breakup? How do you do it? I feel like I have done pretty fucking well this time around in. my own opinion, at least compared to how I have healed or not healed from previous relationships. And today I'm going to give you a modern girl's guide to healing after a breakup. I don't know how I feel about that. Speaker 1 (1:38) Okay. Speaker 2 (1:39) I would love to give some disclaimers before we dive into everything. First and foremost, every person is different. Okay. Every relationship is different. Whether just even the sake of. If you broke up with the person or the person broke up with you, how it happened, if you're in a heterosexual relationship, there's so many different factors that affect every relationship. Everything's different. This is my take on it and what I have done in this past year. Speaking of that, this is not a tea session. I am not going to be spilling tea. I'm not going to be sitting here giving you a story time. This is not about that at all. If you have watched the introductory podcast episode for this podcast. you will know that my goal with this podcast is to help people and to have a conversation and to make people feel seen and heard and give them some sense of understanding maybe. And that is what I want to do today. I want to talk about the healing. I'm not diving into other things. I do also want to add that if you came here looking for some sort of explanation, I understand. Speaker 2 (2:47) And I understand the frustration you might feel because I'm not giving that to you. I, through my healing journey, have learned how deeply important it is to protect myself and my energy. And that is a part of it. I can't open that door yet because I am still dealing with what's behind it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm still processing everything that happened. surrounding the breakup it was a lot and I have said things here and there So I am going to reiterate what I have already shared with the Internet. I was not happy. I felt unsafe. And you are allowed to leave a relationship whenever you feel like you need to. That's all you're going to get from me today. And now we can get into the healing. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Oh, my God. Oh, what's my heart rate? One thirty. Speaker 2 (3:53) Right. I was going to spray some perfume to do some aromatherapy before I get into this so that I can feel better. It's you know what? Whatever works, you know, and we'll be talking about that a lot today. Whatever works. And for me right now, that feels like perfume and giving Cosmo a little belly rub really quick. Cosmo, get off the notebook. Speaker 2 (4:15) I don't need the notebook. Speaker 1 (4:16) Okay, Speaker 2 (4:17) first things first, I want to discuss how I have tried to heal from previous relationships and what did not work for me. The main factors of that I was still in active addiction throughout all of my previous breakups and treated them. Speaker 2 (4:34) terribly not the people I mean my healing process I treated that terribly I treated myself terribly I was not doing things in a healthy way whatsoever a lot of the time it was getting drunk I honestly Speaker 2 (4:49) And I know that I'm not alone in this. The feeling of getting out of a situation ship or a relationship and whether you feel freedom from that or whether you feel hurt, whatever you're feeling, especially in your early 20s, I feel like it is so exciting to get ready, feel your absolute best, look hot as fuck, post a transition or two, go to the club, get drunk, drink to forget them, and then go get under somebody to get over him. Or her. And I did that a lot. I was so excited to. take a couple shots. I have an excuse, you know, to go do some hoe behavior, which, you know, I was going to say if it works, it works. It didn't work. That's the thing is it felt good in the moment and it got my endorphins going, I guess, or my adrenaline would start rushing. And so it would feel good in that sense. And then I would have this come down of. Oh, God. And I wasn't actually feeling the feelings that I needed to feel. I was not processing anything that happened within the relationship. I was just get me to the club, get me tongue down someone's throat. I don't think I realized the toll that that was taking on me. I have. Been assaulted multiple times when I put myself in those situations and I have ended up with worse people because I just wanted them to help me heal over somebody else. I put myself in dangerous situations. I will talk about all that too within sobriety because I feel like that is why I'm doing these three first episodes the way that I'm doing them because I do feel like all three of them go hand in hand. So. much healing from my relationship. A big part of it is my sobriety. Basically, the way that I dealt with my previous relationships was horrendous. And I remember saying all the time, I probably should go to therapy. And then I didn't. And the two relationships I was in in my mid 20s before my most recent one, one of them ended in me having to get a restraining order against my ex and the other ended in me. me leaving them because I found out they were cheating on me. So both of those are very traumatic and I did not treat them as such. I, within days, was already hooking up with other people, already on dating apps, not. Speaker 2 (7:24) helping myself at all. There's a lot to be said about all of that. And I will revisit every single conversation that we have today in the future, because I know that I have a lot more to say about it. This topic alone is a beast. It's a lot. And there's a lot of aspects to it. So I'm going to do what I can. OK, I Speaker 1 (7:44) finished recording. I was in the middle of taking off my nails Speaker 2 (7:47) and I realized that there was something incredibly important that I felt like I needed to add into all this. I will tell Emma when to put it into the episode. I just wanted to make sure I got it out there. If you are in a dangerous situation, in a dangerous relationship, when the breakup happens, please utilize resources as much as you can and remember that they exist. If you are. so isolated in your relationship where you feel like you have nobody please know that there are professionals out there who are there to help you I say this a lot within my content because I think that I've been put in a lot of positions in my life where I forget that these things exist and then remember or happen upon them or am told that they exist. And sometimes you need the reminder because sometimes you don't have it in you to remember that they exist. Sometimes you're so caught up in your own stuff. So if you feel really alone and you feel like you don't have a way out of your relationship, there is help out there for you. There are people. literally designated to do that and to help you out. And it can seem scary and it can seem daunting, but you can be safe and it will be okay. I talk a lot in this episode about relying on friends and family, and I do think they're very important, but I understand that if you're in a severely toxic relationship, you might not have those relationships in your life to fall back on. So just know that there's a million different forms of support if you look for it. And while it is good to be alone and you're going to feel freedom being alone, it is really good to talk about these things to people who will listen. That also goes, if you can't afford therapy, I would recommend finding. Speaker 2 (9:38) discussion boards or just other women out there or men out there or non-binary folk, whoever you are. There are other people out there who have gone through the same things as you and there are people out there who are willing to have conversations with you. And there again, I'm going to reiterate, there is help to get you out of the position that you are in. I just wanted to make sure that I put that out there because I. as I talk about it in this podcast, had the privilege, had the money, had the family to get out of my relationship. And not everybody has that. I think especially because I mentioned earlier that one of my relationships ended in me having to get a restraining order. That's a big one that I'm referencing right now. I worked with a women's advocacy group to achieve that restraining order. And thank God for them. They were so helpful and they did my case pro bono and they represented me well in court and I was able to get the restraining order. And I'm happy that I took that step and I reached out and I got that professional help in that sense. I just want to remind you, OK, I just want you to know that it's out there because sometimes you need the reminder. But. Speaker 1 (10:51) Okay. I'm going to go back to taking my nails off. I Speaker 2 (10:54) do now want to get into how I have healed from this most recent relationship because I think that I've done everything right. I'm already getting emotional. I think that I'm doing everything right. And I think that I am a completely different person than I was. Speaker 2 (11:17) Ever. I'm just a completely different person in every way, shape and form. And I feel that every single day. And I know that to be true because I see myself in my day to day life and the mechanisms, the coping mechanisms, the toolbox that I have created to help myself and to get myself in this position. And I'm very proud of myself. And I want to be able to share it because I know how hard it is and I know how daunting it is. When you find yourself alone, we're going to go about this in a kind of timeline esque manner without talking about necessarily what happened, just what I was doing personally. So day one day of the breakup. This also I feel like it's like Speaker 1 (12:03) my Speaker 2 (12:04) breakup happened at night. So for me, day one is also just the following day. But day one. obviously the emotions are going to be their highest on this day. They'll still come and hit you later throughout the breakup, but day one is the worst. What my day one looked like was having an emergency session with my therapist. It was talking to all of my friends and family. It was talking to the people that I needed to concerning the situation and figuring out my exit strategy. So that was a lot for me to process. So aside from those phone calls and those conversations, I went on a Speaker 1 (12:49) walk. with a very dear friend of mine. I Speaker 2 (12:53) watched some TV. I tried to watch Traitors. I was with some friends when everything happened. And so I was with them and we watched Traitors just to try to, you know, stimulate the brain, give me something else to think about. I have no idea what happened in that show. I could not tell you. I have not watched it since. I'm sure it's a little traumatizing for me to try to watch now. But we tried to watch a show. Thankfully, because I was with people, they... got me some snacks to eat because God knows I could not eat. So day one was really just about figuring out next steps while trying to calm my nervous system as best as I can. And if you are alone on day one, try not to be. Try to find someone who cares about you to be there for you. Do not isolate. We'll talk about being alone in isolation a lot more as we get more into it. But return to basics on that first day. It's really hard. It's your brain is so focused on one thing and it's a scary thing and it can be really detrimental to your mental health. So water, you know, eat a chip or two, maybe a slice of bread if you're feeling really crazy, but just. Deep breaths, honey. There's no more running. Speaker 2 (14:18) Right. Now